Celtic

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Celtic train often to maintain the high standards that have been associated throughout the clubs history

“Up ra Shellik. um pyoor Irish cos ahv drunk a pint ahv Guinness.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Rangers

“Big Jock knew ”

~ Nasty McHun On Jock Stein winning a maths quiz

Once upon a time Celtic FC were a a swimming club from Ireland AKA Scotland .

[edit] Season 06-07

In the 2006-2007 seasons, Celtic effortlessly held off the challenge of all other teams in the Scottish Premier League, holding rangers by the baws during old firm games, while rangers hit back with their structured skills. This tactic worked so comprehensively, given the Papal conspiracy's successful installation of Paul le Guen as Glasgow Boonsookers manager, that Celtic were secretly awarded the league trophy in a champions ceremony in late November 2006, for the remainder of the season Celtic fielded a team of look-alikes to give the real stars a rest and still managed to rip rangers. These counterfeit McGeadys, Nakamuras and Lennon’s, in spite of their limited football ability, were more than capable of maintaining Celtic's deserved size of a horses ding dong lead over the rest of their SPL counterparts.

This uncanny team of replicas was initially given the simple task of defeating the other 'teams' in the Premier League. However, this was quickly deemed too easy, and they were instead instructed to 'let the diddies think they would win' until the 80th minute before delivering two late goals. This was a fun game btw; follow went into melt down every time. The only minor blip in this ploy occurred when the Kenny Miller fluffed his lines and managed to score a goal or two.

Towards the end of the season, Celtic made a concerted effort to delay the official award of their league trophy. (Even though the trophy was secretly presented at an award ceremony in November wink) This was represented in the hurting press as evidence of their manager's lots of ability and better tactical thoughts than the opposition manager but was in fact a necessary stalling action since the trophy itself was damaged in an attempt by a rangers fan to steal the trophy. Neil ginger whinger Lennon was scripted to play the part of a jubilant Celtic fan, literally up to his knees in blood and using the trophy as a chalice to scoop and slurp said blood. The blood was played by 30 liters of Ribena. Whilst furiously scooping, Lennon lost his grip on the chalice/trophy and it lodged itself in the stadium's awning.(aye you wish) Trophy Centre on Aitkenhead Road managed to nearly fully dent the trophy back out to its original shape and cleaned of all syrup, Celtic lifted the trophy after their next game against Kilmarnock FC who were in bed with the measels and obviusly couldn't win. Many people belive this seemed pointless as the SPL is the worst leauge in the Universe as it it only has 2 teams in it.

2009 Onward.

Celtic still maintain the famous catchphrase of "Hail! Hail!" due to the fact that they have virtually nothing over their older, far superior rivals. Their most famous time in history wad when they won £200 Pounds on the lottery

However these games of FIFA ended prematurly when the Celtic fans called for a postponment due to the sudden red card to their star player in the real world.

[edit] Fans

Celtic fans are renowned for being the greatest fans in the world but merder each other after the local derbies even if they win.(Rangers fans being the most). They are easily offended and won't hesitate when it comes to reporting their rivals to the authorities. A big part of being a Celtic supporter (paticulary a Scottish one) is believing you are Irish despite being born outside of Ireland to two Scottish parents. Celtic fans are also renowned all over Scotland for their constant paranoia and feelings of being persecuted against.

Indeed, Celtic fans were honoured by FIFA as being the first set of supporters to be awarded the 'Fair Play Award' but they still suck after the booing of the team that failed (yet again) to win the UEFA Cup in Seville, 2003. They took 4,000,000 fans to Suvull and 94% of air travel on that week was Shellick fans.Many other organisations appreciate Celtic's fans. One of which is UEFA (the Union of European Football Associations. UEFA have a very biased approach when it comes to Celtic and their fans behaviour in European football competitions. They always fail to take action against Celtic's fans no matter how bad the sectarian singing is. This is due to the majority of UEFA officials being closet Celtic fans.

The club is renowned for using any means, fair or foul, well, just foul actually, to get what they want. Usually these campaigns of integrity are led by the fat slug Peter Lieswell using all manner of threats against any who oppose him. Its said he is the satanic spawn of Geraldo 'tick,tick,boom' McPish and well known Scottish witch Elaine C Smith. Smith had infact remained barren for years but struck a deal with Satan himself in order to conceive a messiah that would lead forth the minions onto glory. McPish, on his second life, after defeating the Reaper at a game of sudoku, was the only "man" bitter and pished enough to sleep with Smith. Alex Salmond had been the initial choice but seconds before penetration was called to an emergency cabinet meeting after it was discovered Braveheart was infact not entirely historically accurate!! A fact he still disputes. McPish was brought in as a late substitute after being found "oot his puss" and covered in his own pish outside the brazen head.

[edit] Other Notes

Pretend Irishmen, 1888 - current

Being British, 1888 - current

They also do porno's on www.celticporno's.com (Not for the faint-hearted)

Well known for their youth policy. Their boys clubs often attract help from many willing volunteers from the Celtic community (Aye right!)

Artur Boruc is a big fatso who even on a good day eats 15 pies at the most

[edit] See Also

• Rangers
• Scotland
• Glasgow
• Football
• Catholicism
• Old Firm