Centerfold

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“My angel is the Centerfold!”

~ Peter Wolf of the J Geils Band on Centerfolds
Classic 2000 centerfold

A centerfold is a topological transform of glossy paper that increases the available surface area for the depicting of naughty pictures.

Mathematical Underpinnings of the Centerfold[edit]

According to a well-known corollary of the Banach-Tarski paradox, it is mathematically possible to double the area of an erotic image by cutting it up into 17 non-measurable pieces, and then reassembling those pieces using only a compass, a straightedge, and copious quantities of Elmer's glue. However, since most porno magazine publishers choose not to use highly toxic non-environmentally-friendly unbiodegradable adhesives, they simply opt for cutting down billions and billions of more trees in order to produce the necessary additional paper.

History of the Centerfold[edit]

The first centerfold was invented in 1903 by the famous mathematician Larry Flint for a featured section of the first issue of his new mathematical-erotic magazine, Strumpets in Crumpets. Approximately 95% of the tome-like edition was unfoldable to a surface area of 350 acres, and depicted the lower left earlobe (a highly erogenous zone at the time) of Mary Pickford, at a magnification of 50,000,000 to 1. Even though the issue broke all records for male-dominated popularity and contributed to a massive bout of healthy sexual intercourse betwixt 99% of all heterosexual American adults entirely within the bonds of Holy wedlock, the ruling censors had a royal hissy fit and immediately banned the production of centerfolds for all eternity. The censor's irreversible decision was finally overturned by the United States Supreme Court in the late 1990s, but the recent invention of the internet made this judicial action kind of pointless.

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A centerfold is a topological transform of glossy paper that increases the available surface area for the depicting of naughty pictures.


See Also[edit]