Cerberus

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Cerberus, ha. Why would one fear a non-existent dog?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cerberus


Cerberus is usually depicted as an enormous three-headed dog who is the guardian of Hell/Hades. However, this is but a commonly held misconception, for Cerberus is in fact an enormous computer and the only true Microsoft/Apple Macintosh collaboration that has ever taken place.


"Project Big DOG"[edit]

The creation of the Cerberus, labeled "Project Big DOG" (DOG being an abbreviation for "Dastardly Orarian Generator"), commenced on January 13th 2001 and was completed on September 4th of the same year. Due to the fact that the project was completed one week before the terrorist attacks of September 11th, some conspiracy nuts have declared it to be clear evidence of the following:

  • That George W. Bush is in fact the leader of Al-Quaeda.
  • That Bill Gates personally provided funding for the terrorist attacks to take place, whilst secretly taking 90% of the insurance money with which to give to charity in order to make himself look good whilst not spending his own money.
  • That D.u.c.k.s were not directly responsible for the attacks.
  • That the Black Boxes aboard those specific planes were deliberately made out of tin foil.
  • that howard stern rapes his toilet daily


Of course, they are all fools whose opinions have no meaning or place in this world, but we shall leave that to the non-existant NSA to deal with.

The Result of the Project[edit]

Upon the project's completion, Microsoft immediately attempted to draw away sales from the computer, due to it being a product of Apple. Apple soon followed suit, and thus the computer only sold three units of the four hundred that were produced (although currently no one has owned up to having bought one of these computers, it is believed by the mythologically perceptive that Osama Bin Laden bought them).

After this dramatic flop, Bill Gates quickly mobilised to create a time machine, so that he may eliminate the project from history. He was successful in creating a time machine, but due to his inferior programming knowledge he accidently traveled back to the time of the ancient Egyptians/Greeks, rather than one week prior to the completion of "Project Big DOG". However, rather than risking trusting his programming skills again, Bill sought to teach the Greeks and the Egyptians that Cerberus was a great and evil dog that guarded the gates of Hell/Hades.


The Misconception[edit]

Due to the intervention by Bill Gates and his time machine, even the ancient Greeks and subsequently the Romans believed that an enormous dog guarded the gates of Hell (whilst the Egyptians stuck to their beliefs, disregarding the words of Bill Gates as marketing propaganda).

The false Cerberus, aka "Clifford the Big Red Dog", as he appears in the children's TV show of the same name.

Since the days of the ancient Greeks and Romans, society has progressed so far that the false Cerberus, a drooling, snarling, bloodthirsty, viscious hellhound, is used as a children's television character.


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