“I wrote 'When Doves Cry' for him.”
“I would have made a great Pope”
“Just One Cesare, Give that to me”
Cesare Borgia was the greatest Italian (well kind of Spanish but whatever) ever, whose life has been clouded by lies about being targeted by some white-hooded man named Ezio. Damn him, place that miserable wretch on a rack. This is the true story of Cesare Borgia.
He was born in 1475 to the Spanish Cardinal Rodrigo Borgia, who screwed an Italian woman despite being a high official in the Catholic Church and not allowed to have sex. Rodrigo later became Pope Alexander VI after a political campaign that included murder and assassination. His opponents alleged he was after after 'some kind of apple' and bought the papacy for 30 pieces of silver. Rodrigo/Alexander VI was a skilled pope, but for some reason people who messed with him wound up dead, especially a lot of cardinals. Rome also mysteriously turned into a shithole under his rule, and people in his service were stabbed to death across Italy and seen near white-hooded guys supposedly called "Assassins".
Like his 'bros', Cesare was meant for the church - despite supposedly being a murdering psychopath and wanting to unify Italy under the Templars. Well at least he wasn’t a pedophile, just an alleged poisoner. However his older brother wanted power too and Rodrigo favored him by making him general of the Papal military. Cesare also shared a mistress with his bro and needed more sex since Lucrezia, his sister, was getting married to a Sforza. Juan, his older bro, died in 1497 and some believe Cesare had something to do with it. This is not true since Cesare was a loving family man who did not murder anyone unless they were trying to kill him. Besides, Juan probably was murdered by a Sforza. He became the general and for some reason gained a French nobility title, the Duke of Valentinois. And he was actually a skilled general too, unlike the typical French general. As the year 1500 came, his father began to complain about some Assassin meddling in his business, which probably was just his father's senility kicking in.
He took many cities and carved a state for himself, where he was loved by all except some crazies reportedly called "Assassins". These crazies, some say, were actually so badass that they could jump into hay from a rooftop. We assure you that this is all BS. He also was rumored to have screwed his sister Lucrezia when he was bored and reportedly had trouble with a person called Ezio. Some even say that his son Giovanni Borgia was born to Lucrezia and some "Assassin", who was supposedly killed by his own comrades for trying to heal his son. He reportedly killed Lucrezia's second husband Alfonso de Aragon for taking Lucrezia away from him. This is wrong since Lucrezia had shitty husbands and always wanted to have sex with Cesare. He eventually invaded Monteriggioni in 1500 for some reason, although Rodrigo Borgia had earlier been found beaten and an underground vault had been broken into nearby. Church officials reported a white-hooded man jumping towards the Vatican and later engaging the Pope in combat, escaping with another older guy in the direction of Monteriggioni. It is obvious that these officials were lying since Rodrigo was unpopular and they wanted to make him look like a wimp.
Siege of some city
After the siege, Cesare was reported with Caterina Sforza, the ruler of Forli, as his prisoner and a glowing metal ball supposedly called an Apple of Eden, as claimed by crazies. He obviously must have been to Forli to capture her despite no historical record of invading it before Monteriggioni. Cesare's army destroyed the city utterly and Cesare even brought his sister along. He even managed to make French troops do something other than surrender. Some deny his awesomeness and say he brutally shot the city's leader, Mario Auditore, in the head after supposedly calling to his nephew Ezio who was supposedly shot down in the rooftops. This is horseshit; the Auditores were all hanged in Florence in 1476, with Ezio, Maria, and Claudia disappearing afterwards. These crazies are subverting history and Abstergo as well.
Afterwards, 3 generals of his rebelled since Cesare was awesome and they were jealous and 1 of them was found dead. The remaining two reentered his service, although they disappeared following a feast which mysteriously had corpses strewn all over and were rumored to have been strangled by Cesare’s bitch Micheleto. Certainly this happened, but Cesare was right in getting them brutally strangled to death. He couldn't trust them, especially in the turbulent political climate of the time. With Italian noble houses killing one another over small amounts of land and the French and Spanish coming in, Cesare needed to kill people or else they would kill him. And those people weren't part of some Assassin brotherhood.
He also built towers over Rome. However, these towers had their captains brutally murdered and were blown up violently, weakening Cesare’s power. (Osama would be proud, if he was alive). Witnesses reported a guy in a white hood jumping from the towers before the towers blew up, but obviously the towers were unstable and collapsed. Certainly some guard, despite being heavily inspected and having no reasonable motive, smuggled in dynamite. Also, not every Renaissance architect was brilliant, just look at the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He was reported later to have kissed his sister and talked about betraying his father in his castle in Rome, but who could have possibly been there to learn and besides, Cesare loved his dad. Cesare loved his dad so much that while the old man was growing senile, Cesare completely usurped power so that his dad didn't have to rule. Such a nice son.
Rome unfortunately stagnated under Borgia rule. Obviously, the warring Italian families didn't care. In fact, all they ever did was steal land from the Papacy and bankrupt it. In no way were the Borgias overusing their power to kill and oppress the people. They killed some people, but they needed to or else the Sforzas or some other Italian family would have taken them out.
He also was rumored to have had Leonardo Da Vinci make some badass war machines but all of these were taken out, rumored to have been by a white hooded man with hidden blades. This is bullshit since Da Vinci never made working models of his designs and only painted for Cesare. Meanwhile, people close to Cesare were winding up dead, with stab wounds on them. They were not killed by an Assassin, Assassins don't exist despite what some crazies say. Cesare attended a party run by his banker relative Juan Borgia, who was later found dead and was reported, by delusional witnesses, to have been killed by a white-hooded man on a bench. This is false since the party was wild and perhaps Juan accidentally drank cantarella. Later on, a play with an actor was sabotaged and Cesare’s bitch Micheletto was nearly killed, again according to some idiots, by a white-hooded man who “supposedly" saved the said actor from dying who was in love with Lucrezia. Lucrezia was faithful to Cesare and never screwed anyone else besides him. Even though it was incestous. Meanwhile, a French army under his general Octavian de Valois was found slaughtered. Witnesses reported a white hooded man with Bartolomeo d'Alviano's men killing the French. The man was alleged to have saved Alviano's wife and used French uniforms to get in. This is BS. Alviano was never in Rome and certainly never attacked French unless Venice told him to do it in one of the many turf wars involving France. Besides, these French troops were actually good and would not have been massacred by a small group of Italians.
Decline part 2: Electric Boogaloo
Later his father was found dead in the castle with remains of a poisoned apple found within him. According to a distraught Lucrezia who was clearly delusional due to Rodrigo's tragic threat, Cesare had argued with his father over his goals of taking Italy and she rushed in to tell Cesare he was eating poisoned apples. Cesare allegedly shoved an apple into Rodrigo’s throat and then forced Lucrezia to give him the location of some Apple. We all know Cesare would never do such a thing, even if he was somewhat aggressive. Cesare also would never go bonkers over some apple. Cesare then lost his power and was imprisoned by the new pope in Spain for some reason. He also was sick and reportedly cursed his father for poisoning him, according to some idiot soldiers of his. Some believe that a white-hooded man and his brethren of some made-up Assassin Order went around killing his followers and citizens of Rome, the lunatics, reported that white-hooded figures fought his followers in a bloody battle and that Cesare was arrested shortly afterwards by his own army. They even allege that the white-hooded man used a golden ball to brainwash Cesare's men. Those allegations about his downfall are bullshit. They do not explain why a hooded man would fuck with Cesare. No one who messed with Cesare ever got out scot-free. Cesare was just so awesome that they mysteriously wound up dead, probably from exposure to his awesomeness.
He later escaped, and some believe that Micheletto bribed a guard to help him escape while Ezio, Da Vinci, and Machiavelli were on his trail, which is BS. Ezio never showed up in legit records after his family's hanging and probably died in some random town. Da Vinci loved Cesare and was thankful for getting rewarded by Cesare. Besides, Da Vinci was busy with his works instead of pursuing his former patron. Machiavelli never even met Da Vinci in his life and was a diplomat, not some acrobatic, badass warrior. Cesare rebuilt his forces in Spain, but his awesome camp was blown up. Some say that so-called "Assassins" like Ezio blew up his camp rather than Spanish authorities hunting him. He was also alleged to have killed Micheletto and wounded Machiavelli. This is crap as Micheletto was fanatically loyal to Cesare and Machiavelli was never a badass hero, according to some crazies. All Machiavelli ever did was write books about policital machinations and how to do such machinations. Why would he fight against people that he wrote positively of in his books?
Cesare fled to Navarre and led the siege of Viana to get French support where he died unexpectedly. Some soldiers, who obviously were caught up in the tumult, reported that he wrestled a white-hooded man with a hidden blade and then ran away. They even allege that the white-hooded man survived a cannon blast, which is preposterous since cannons are lethal. He was later alleged to have been killed by the same man on the castle after an epic battle, with Cesare calling troops to fight the man, by being thrown from the castle. This is nonsense as Cesare was a skilled fighter and no man could survive an assault by his awesome troops. Even if said man was able to run 300 meters, leap from rooftops, and stealthily kill people, he would still have been pwned by Cesare.
Cesare was a noble man who will be remembered for trying to be ambitious and successful like his dad. He went through a tough life with many enemies, and unfortunately he lost power after Rodrigo died. His persistence after his dad’s death is honorable and he was certainly not pursued by some white-hooded man that was part of an order of assassins with famous historical figures in its ranks for being a threat to the world and who is driven by avenging his family's deaths. Cesare was just an Italian who was awesome and experienced bad things happen to his friends and family. So many people claim he was being targeted by a white-hooded man and they are wrong. Long live Cesare. Death to those who claim he was bad.
PS-Vidic, what do you mean Desmond stabbed Lucy, got the apple, and is out of his coma. Damnit, call the strike team. We are ready to move in. Assassin's Creed 3 will be the Shortest game ever.
or on the article's entry in Pee Review.