Chairman Mao

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“Remember, kids! Starting a cultural revolution can be dangerous!”

~ Smokey the Fire Bear on The Cultural Revolution
Mao's gargantuan mole rumored to have concealed a nuclear missile, depicted with cat ears
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Chairman Mao.

Great Leader Chairman Rofl Mao Zedong pronunciation (26 December 1893 – 9 September 1976) also know as Asian Santa Claus or Mao the Dong was a bouncy smiling chubby cherub, who accidentally bumped off seventy million people, famously stating "You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs, and you can't have fun without killing people". He faked his death in 1976, got rejuvenated by Chinese medicine and moved to North Korea and is now known as Kim Jong-Ill. Attempts by the Frei Welt to paint him as a famine inducing chink have been judged wrongheaded by the current leadership of pseudo-capitalist China who in their wisdom have declared Mao's contribution to the Chinese people as being neatly measurable with a ratio of 7 parts goodness to 3 parts badness.

Chairman Mao[edit]

Zombie Mao waking about to eat Henry the Singer's as Henry wants to Kiss him.
"The Dickheads Memorial" Really Mao should be at the top since he killed waaaaay more people than Uncle Addy.

"Mao Yao" is a famous saying created by the infamous Mao Zedong. It translates into the English phrase "do not" or "don't". Commonly used at the local TOKYO PEKING, this phrase has now attracted world wide media attention. Chairman Mao (1893-1976) was a famous poet from the East, credited with the establishment of the single-party socialist republic known as the People's Republic of China. Born as Mao Tse-Tung was the first born of Lol and Rofl Tse-Tung. Disputes after his death about whether he was the legitimate father of Mao Anying are currently being debated in the Party Council, and consensus will probably be reached by Dec 21, 2012. Remember, in the East, people write their last names before the first (after the Great Leap Backwards), so "Chairman Mao" in English would be "Mao of the family Chairman".

Early Life[edit]

This picture shows the young Mao as an effeminate pervert, dreaming of becoming an evil dictator. See also: Stalin

Mao Zedong was born on December 29, 1893, in Hunan Province (we're still talking about Chairman Mao) to Max and Hannah Chairman, two bankers (armchair communists). The rural scenes surrounding him where he grew up inspired him to take up poetry. However, because poetry does not pay well, his traditional Eastern parents forced him to learn hockey. In the East at the time, the Civil Service System was still strong, requiring anyone who wanted a mountable ox that paid more than starvation to pass a test that's, like, at least twice as long and hard as the ones in school these days. Mao failed the test, drawing little "Yuan Shi-kai is a fool instead of essay answers. His parents disowned him, and young Mao took to the hills as one of the East's famous roaming bands of scholar-brigands who beat young travelers up for their lunch money and challenged them to brutal dance offs at the local mall's Dance Dance Revolution machine.

Mao's early life was filled with much confusion. He insisted upon spelling his name "Tse Tung", pronounced say-toung, but his mother preferred the spelling "Zedung" (Chinese for 'the dung' or 'the shit'). This would trouble the great leader in later life, as half of his followers preferred one spelling over the other. (A recent internet poll shows that those who prefer "Zedung" also prefer to use "Catsup" instead of "Ketchup")


Big Brother is watching you. In late 2006, it was discovered that behind each wall plaque of Mao, there exists a large wallsafe, containing part of Mao's enormous porn collection. This allowed him a steady access to his reading materials anywhere he visited in China during his regime.

Mao's strict Greek and Jewish upbringing instilled in him a great love (whether a normal human urge or not) for 7-11 slurpees and wolf skin coats. Like many young Jews of his time, he set out to rebel against his father's generation by turning to strange and new ideologies that, like the Hebrew faith preached covert subversion of the world's governments. He was drawn to Communism not only by its subversiveness, but also because his favorite poet was ee cummings , well-known as the Orange Poet Laureate. Mao's two most famous works are "New Year's Day" written in 1930, and "Snow" written in 1996. The two poems are translated from the original erotic, vulgar and sick use of vocabulary here:

New Year's Day
Ninghua, Qingliu, Guihua --
What narrow paths, deep woods and slippery moss!
Whither are we bound today?
Straight to the foot of Wuyi Mountain.
To the mountain, the foot of the mountain,
Red fags stream in the wind in a blaze of glory.
Softly over the fields, and in deep drifts
The fine, clean snow buries the bosom of china
In a coat of fine and uniform whiteness
Just as I, when I retire to my room at night,
Do to a tranny peasant hooker from Tudong Province
I look upon the snow on a chilly winter's night
From my lonely room in the Forbidden City
Each snowflake fits with its brothers and sisters
Coating the streets of wondrous Beijing
While I jack off to bestiality
I knew a girl once, with skin like this snow
Her eyes shone like a December moon
But I, in the heat of my boyish desires
Changed December to "30 Days of Mao-ie Wow-ie"
And condemned her to die for not blowing me

You say you got a real solution 
Well, you know 
We'd all love to see the plan 
You ask me for a contribution 
Well, you know 
We're doing what we can 
But when you want money 
For people with minds that hate 
All I can tell is brother you won't have to wait 
Don't you know it's gonna be all right 
Don't you know it's gonna be all right 
Don't you know it's gonna be all right 

You say you'll change the constitution 
Well, you know 
We all want to change your head 
You tell me it's the institution 
Well, you know 
You better dull you mind instead 
But if you go carrying pictures of our wonderful Chairman Mao 
You ain't going to make it with me anyhow 
Don't you know it's gonna be all right 
Don't you know it's gonna be all right 
Don't you know it's gonna be all right 
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah 
All right, all right, all right 
All right, all right, all right 
All right, all right, all right 
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah 
All right, all right


Scholars of Mao's life believe that in his early years as a poet, his love for all-day sex in nature scenes and war metaphors were an outgrowth of his retarded involvement in the Communist "Orange Revolution" following World War V. In contrast, his later trash (work) reflects his disillusion with the country life and his desire for, as the poet himself said, "mad Canadian honeys, yo! Hey, you ever been to Toronto?"

The Sayings of Chairman Mao[edit]

The "Orange Book of the Sayings of Chairman Mao" was all the vogue in the early days of post-Revolution China. Teenager boys would even use lines from the Orange Book to woo teenage girls, even if neither one's family name was Woo.

However, after the Multicultural Revolution which ushered in the De Facto Unbridled Capitalism system, the Orange Book sadly fell into neglect. The "Purple Book of Quatrains" by Oscar Wilde now tops the best-seller lists in China.

Mao’s Famous speech “Spread Legs and The Cultural Revolution a Chinese Women’s Duty

Famous Mao Quotes[edit]

"Chinese people are not retards, therefore no one should follow me. However, I am one, so that makes every difference in the world" October 1, 1949. Establishment of People's Republic of China speech

"The Great Leap Backward was an absolute success! Only about one million citizens starved to death! Much less than the expected 1.1 billion." Mao after reading the paper on Great Leap Backward

"Communism shall stand as long as the capitalist Twin Towers!" September 11,1970, after realizing the fact that two towers like that existed

"Chinese citizens! Our Communist Party has hope! President Nixon just promised me yesterday that he supports Marxism totally!" April 2, 1982, at Morale Speech

"In Communist China, you don't re-educate peasants, peasants re-educate you! Oh wait, that makes sense..."

"In stimulating a tiger, use a long stick"

"Sing Little Birdy?" Chairman Mao on the popular British gameshow World Forum

"Herro." Chairman Mao when people walk close to him.

"SILENCE! I KILL YOU!" wait, that was Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

"This is a LIE! They all are! It must be censored! Damn capitalists and their freedom of speech..." Mao after reading these quotes.

"China is a part of Taiwan and we all know that."

"In Soviet Russia, Dinner Party is Revolution!" Chairman Mao scoffing at Stalin's overenthusiastic Sixty Minutes Plan.

The Long March[edit]

The Long March was embarked upon by Mao to avoid a long line at the Department of Motor Vehicles. The march took over eighty years and was over thirty thousand miles long. He did things with an elk while on the long march. Terrible things. During the journey he was badly wounded and was briefly involved with a Bucky the wonder elk. The long march ended some time after it began. Ending with some sort of resolving event, like a war or a revolution or something. Just ask your mother I am sure she knows.

Carrying Pictures of Chairman Mao[edit]

An example of what you have to carry if you want to get pissed off in china.

While Mao was known to get his share of poontang, attempts to carry his picture as an aphrodisiac were a distinct failure. On the contrary; they actually made it impossible to get laid. As John Lennon of The Beatles noted, "If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow." Mr. Lennon was correct in this assessment since he recently received a lifetime achievement award for "making it" with as large a number of woman as possible.

Personal life[edit]

Wow, he started early.

Despite being short and fat with green teeth, a mole that would make the Eiffel Tower look relatively small by comparison and a ridiculous hairstyle, Mao had a reputation as a promiscuous womaniser. No, I don't get it either. Maybe he drugged them or something but it's still strange since he hated women. It certainly wouldn't have got past foreplay though because Mao was supposedly impotent and sterile with only one testicle. The reason for this is unclear. Some say that he contracted testicular cancer in his youth. Still others say that he tried to teabag Hitler while they were at dictator school. Allegedly the false rumours about Hitler having only one ball were circulated by Mao in revenge. Mao compensated for his lack of virility by adopting kids and wiping out most unborn female fetuses in China. Failure to comply would result in women being sterilised. What a very nice man. Although he was at a high risk of cancer, Mao smoked like a chimney so whatever you say about the guy, he had balls (or one of them at least). Strangely, he grew so old the Chinese people almost gave up hope of him ever biting the dust and joining the bleeding choir invisible.


“Am I in danger?”

~ Mao six months before his death

Mao shocked all by having a heart-attack in old age. The reason for the shock was the fact that he had a heart. His lungs became infected and he eventually had to be put on a life support machine. His girlfriend, Jian Qung, who really cared about Mao and didn't want him to die moved him around constantly, sprinkled powder on him and eventually moved him onto his back even though she had been reliably informed that he could only breath by lying on his left side. In spite of Mao's numerous protestations of "Cough, cough, the bitch is trying to k-COUGH, cough, cough", Jiang assured doctors "Don't worry, he's perfectly comfortable." Mao's face then started to turn blue. Shortly after, he died.

Because of all the kind and wonderful things he did for China, Mao is worshipped as a god by the Chinese people to this day, who still smoke a cigarette on September 1st in honour of Good King Mao.


Your modern day Mao.

With time, the genius of Mao Zedong has become manifest. A public devout Communist, he was in reality a closet capitalist. He knew that capitalism would ultimately bring success to his country, but he wanted to set China back 400 years with the Great Leap Backward. Some blame his failures on incontinence, and some on the Gang of Four, but his failures were completely intentional. He wanted to permanently steer his country away from the temptations of Communism. As such, he dedicated his life to bumbling Communism so effectively as to instill a mortal terror of dance dance revolution, chaos, and managed economies into the very heart of the Chinese psyche.

Kim Jong Ill, a well known Mao admirer, ordered the production of the Korean-made Ssangyoung Chairman (A recycled Mercedes E-class) in 2003. His achievements earned him the Nobel Prize in Killing People. Although sixty million would die in the short run from starvation, ultimately, it would allow China to assume its place as a major world power. Mao Zedong, the Great Visionary, saw this path. He is directly responsible for China's current booming industrial and labor resources market, instilling his place among the greatest of history's leaders.

Sieg Heil! oh wait, wrong guy.

Rebirth of Mao[edit]

Mao Zedong came back to life in 1992, just a year short of his 143rd birthday. In 1993, Mao Zedong applied for a job at Wolf Camera. He instantly got the job because the employers have been known to prefer Chinese workers. The reason is because Chinese and Japanese like working in camera stores and like to smell the scent of cameras. Mao sold and repaired cameras, but trouble came in 1994. Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and several other political figures stormed into Mao's workplace. This is their conversation:

REAGAN: Chinaman! Come out, now!

MAO: Yeeeess. How may I, the Great Mao Zedong, assist you? Buying a camera, Mr. Reagan?

REAGAN: No, I'm not buying a camera! We're here to teach you a lesson!

MAO: Eh?

CLINTON: Yes, Chinese man. You don't kick us out of Korea. We only wanted to put an end to their quarrel. We would never fight China.

MAO: The hell you wouldn't.

CLINTON: Chinaman, this punishment is 44 years overdue!

MAO: Ah, I believe that YOUR punishment is 44 years overdue!

CLINTON: Is that so?

MAO: Yes, because you planned to nuke us!

CLINTON: Um, well, yes heheh...

MAO: How dare you? Well China is now a SUPERPOWER and you will not wanna fight us now!

Clinton and Mao got in a fistfight, but the SECRET CHINESE RED RESERVE FORCE OF CHINA IN AMERICA appeared with Type 81 assault rifles. Clinton's body guards all died for Clinton, but Clinton himself escaped.

In 1999, Mao quit his job at Wolf Camera and faded into oblivion. Nobody ever saw him again. Some say that he went to work for the People's Republic of China undercover, while others say that he wanted to build a giant statue of himself in the United States. Nevertheless, everyone is on the lookout for him.

BREAKING NEWS: Mao has made his way into the game of Clue, and the solution to every game in this version (Clue: Mao Version) is Chairman Mao in the big, huge square with the tank engine. And then they all had a massive group orgy to see who would get the nukes. Putin won. Putin alway wins.


  • Asian Oprezzian
  • Hitler cannot Touch Dis (covers album)
  • Bananjorama 3:Asians(compilation album)
  • The Peoples Republic of Hip Hop
  • Hurt'n Behind the Red Curtain (100 Sad Love songs compilation)
  • Curtain Boo
  • No More Spiking, Yo? (After the aforementioned lawsuit by Eddie Izzard)

Selected Filmography[edit]

The East is Red

The Red Lantern

Grenade War

Chosin River Valley

Give Me Mao

See Also[edit]