Charlemagne

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Charlemagne était empereur des Romains et roi parmi les Francs saliens. C'était le fils de Pépé de Peu.
Charlemagne ("the K3WL")
King of the Franks, Holy Roman Emperor
Charlemagne.jpg
Charlemagne, preparing for battle.
Left hand: Sovereign's Orb.
Right hand: Looks like sword, but scientists disagree about the use of this particular subject.
Reign 768 - 814
Born 742, but 748 when he was "on the pull"
Somewhere in Western Europe
Died 814
Not Rome
Predecessor None, Holy Roman Emperor was an entirely original title!
Successor Squabbling siblings
Consort some lucky ladies and faggots
Issue IP issues with the Byzantine Empire
Father Pepe le Peu
Mother A Cat, or something
“Holy Roman Emperor, Batman!”
~ Robin on Charlemagne

Charlemagne (also known as Charlemagne the K3WL) was King of the Franks and Holy Roman Emperor. There is a general consensus[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] amongst historians that he was one cool dude. In the Middle Ages, he fought wars and slayed dragons, and dirty muslims both of which were seen as essential traits in anyone seeking high political office. One time, him and his buddies went to this bar in the seedy side of Ravenna and got completely wasted and he met a fair maiden and they had some sons. Upon his death, these sons inherited his empire but proceeded to make helluva war with each other because they were the vicious sons of Charlemagne the K3WL!

Charlemagne always had an addiction to feet. He loved to paint pictures and look at them.

One day, he was granted at the feet of the Jonas Brothers.

As king, he learned that eating feet is against the law.

He wore two feet on his head and three on his chest.

Holy Roman Emperor[edit]

Charlie being crowned Emperor by the Pope, much to the annoyance of the cowboy (right) who had wanted to do it. As you can see, all assembled are extremely happy at this momentous occasion. Afterwards, they all jumped into the swimming pool dressed only in their underwear. Except the cowboy, who sulked off into the sunset, muttering about "That goldurned Papal varmint".

Charlemagne was famously crowned Roman Emperor by the Pope on Christmas Day 800 AD. In return, Charlemagne gave the pope a wooden stick with a cross on top and a satsuma.

The Emperor often wore the crown in the bath and when "on the job."

He invented a new calender, based on how much time was left before the sinking of the Titanic. This was one of his many doomsday time measurement creations, the other one being that clock that measures how long the world will continue to exist based on nuclear weapons.

As a man[edit]

He was known as a menacing and brutal warlord, Charlemagne proved an adroit military tactitian of the "French" forces. Inspiring his troops and charismatically leading the charge, he perfected the technique of turning tail. If backed into a corner, his soldiers more than rose to the occasion under his leadership. Rather than cower upon the ground in the manner of the common sissy, they implemented the technique of dropping weapons and raising both arms in a single fluid motion. Despite this astounding methodology, his wife left him for an elderly blind cripple she claimed was seven times the man he was. What hogwash- the cripple was eight times the man he was.

Death[edit]

Charlemagne (R) as a character witness for the baptism of a heathen.

Charlemagne died at the age of seven. His left hand was buried in his crypt at the cathedral in Aachen, Germany, while the rest of his remains were later used to create the pyramid-headed monster in the "Silent Hill" film adaption. Nevertheless, a great stone effigy was commissioned and thereby constucted dans "les jardins de Paris." The final piece stands as firmly rooted as the vast and trunkless legs of Ozymandias. You see, Charlemagne sits astride a horse rearing up upon its hind legs, a sword at his side and a pike in his fist. Fantastically standing to either side are the images of war-beaten faces, emotionless and staring emptily into the distance. A gilded plaque stands at the foot of this enormous tribute. "HERE LIES NAPOLEON, FAMED CONQUEROR" The latter was a honorous tribute in fond tribute of the righteous deeds of France's many fallen heroes, a term sononymous with prisoners of war. FUBAR!