Charles Kennedy

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
No Wikipedia.png
Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Charles Kennedy. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.
Good Time Charlie K is often ordered as such and served with a pint of Menzies and a packet of Lembits.

Charles Kennedy is one of the oldest and most respected brands of Scotch Whiskey. Distilled for 210 years, its single malt is regarded as the benchmark for gayness. With a distinctly yellow colour and costing up to 50% more than other brands, "Good Time Charlie K" enjoys a reputation as the tipple of the psychopathical gentleman.

The Kennedy distillery company opened in 1868 in Gladstone, Scotland, and almost immediately superseded its more conservative rivals in the trendy social scene of London, particularly Westminster. However, controversy erupted when one of the senior members of the company board took the recipe to Northern Ireland, splitting the distillery, the member who commited this crime was found dead a week later with severe anal injuries. The popularity of the brand dwindled amidst competition from other brands seen as more "working class", such as Prescott's Boxer's Special or Campbell's Cream of Spinnage.

Despite talks of merging with rivals Vladivar, the company gained popularity throughout the post-war years with the advent of door-to-door sales. The Jeremy Thorpe triple-distilled Scott'sh (sic) whiskey was first put on sale, with a remarkable uptake, but left an unpalatable taste in the mouth, and was soon discontinued.

Having Steeled themselves for better fortunes the Kennedy distillery was soon working alongside Scottish Distilleries, Perth Ltd (SDP) as a joint venture. This was short-lived, however, ending in disappointment when drinkers, told in a famous advertising campaign to "return to your homes and prepare for a tipple" found that the whiskey had gone down to 22% ABV.

In spite of this they launched their new ash-barrelled "Ashdown" double-distilled brand in the 1980s to popular reception, and in 1999 Charles Kennedy is still one of the most prominent brands of Scotch in the world.

Breaking News[edit]

As of the date 7th of January in the year of our cord 2006, the famous and much loved distillery has unfortunately been closed down. Allegations of causing alcoholism by 'Bench Backer' PM Tony Blair. Reports have been sketchy, but at least one man was heard to have said "Oh Fuck!" when told the news. A memorial service was held in London, and many great friends of the distillery such as Jack Daniels and even our lord Oscar Wilde made a brief appearance. We all give our heartfelt thanks and praise to the brewery for it's many kind bottles, each and every one lovingly pressed from the teat of deliciousness.