|Chat Roulette.mp3 (file info)|
|Narration by Spike, 4:36, 3.17 Mb|
Chat Roulette (CR), like text chat and Citizens Band radio before it, is a marvelous new technology by which people can meet strangers by concealing their identity and attributes.
Two-way audio and video contact with a stranger, somewhere in the world, selected at random, is of interest to exactly four populations:
- Gullible teenagers with a burning need to be listened to, and perhaps to contact a stranger en-route to "changing the world."
- Paedophiles, hairy, horny men over the age of 40, some in costumes, most with pattern baldness, all with a burning need for one last fling, free of issues of paternity and palimony, before their testes shut down for good.
- FBI agents who, in the marvelous institution of entrapment, induce members of the second group to propose illegal liaisons. The agent fills in his time card every week, listing 40 hours of "cleaning up the Internet" and "protecting children," proud that everyone he deceives into proposing acts that aren't really illegal (as he is an adult) extinguishes one actual crime against a child that would have gone undetected. Your tax dollars at work.
- Nigerian billionaires who need to transfer their fortune and are happy to give a random American a commission of, say, $10 million for the risk-free, temporary use of their U.S. bank account.
The other prerequisite to using the service is a photo or animation by which to convince your partner that you are not who you are. There are several popular web sites whose users eagerly beg for "GIFs for CR." The most popular ones are of a snake consuming a chick in a single bite, and several involving anal sex and women relieving themselves. Any of these is always a suitable calling card to meet a total stranger.
Alternatively, the horny 60-year-old can select a video of a strapping 16-year-old youth by which to misrepresent himself.
After being paired with a random person (that is, a random paedophile), you are able to see and hear him. The first order of business is to engage in sufficient small talk to make the other party comfortable disrobing. Viewing their naughty bits is the second order of business. There is no third order of business.
A good way to make your counterpart comfortable is to assure her that "what happens in Chat Roulette, stays in Chat Roulette." Screen-capture programs, you see, do not work when the Web browser has selected Chat Roulette. So no one other than you will ever be able to check out her endowments.
CR lets you "report" someone if you think he took things too far. If a person is reported by three people within five minutes, the person will be banned, often for up to an hour. The site never permanently bans anyone, as it needs as many weirdos as possible.
CR was invented in 2009 by a 70-year-old Muscovite named Andrey Ternovkliy. He was the final survivor of the predecessor game, Russian Roulette, and 124 near-brushes with death left him with an urge for new dangers.
The popularity of CR received an instant boost in early 2010 when a South Park episode featured a clip of Eric Cartman and Kyle Broflovski searching for online Facebook friends using CR. The bored population of the world realized that this was a much more promising activity than sitting and watching television.
Using CR to manufacture a clique, with which to pad your totals on another web site and obviate doing it all yourself by creating sockpuppets, never happens on legitimate web sites such as UNCYCLOPEDIA.
Related web sites have sprung up featuring videos of underage girls disrobing and dancing seductively. These web sites are languishing in popularity, for the same reason that fishing remains a more popular leisure-time activity than merely going to the back of the supermarket and purchasing fillets.