ChavScum

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Origins[edit]

Ancient Greece[edit]

The inception of ChavScum occurred when Socrates declared that society as it was known was coming to an end, mainly due to children respecting neither their parents' wishes, nor the wishes of anyone else, and that those kids were generally an unruly lot who thought they could do as they wished. The history of being a piece of shit bastard therefore started even before Burberry was invented. It was at this point that Socrates decided to scrawl on a tablet all his philosophical thoughts and feelings towards this sponging societal menace, and circulated it round his students, inviting them to do the same. ChavScum was born, and shortly thereafter, the rant was born. Unfortunately, Socrates' tablets became so popular it became too cumbersome to carry around with him all the time, and thus it's popularity was it's own destruction. They prevented Socrates from escaping his prison cell after his incarceration, and longing for release from back pain that thousands of stone tablets will induce, he willingly drank hemlock and died.

Medieval times[edit]

Over a dozen centuries later, long after Ancient Greece became Not-Quite-So-Old Greece, and the practice of fondling boys after dinner became rather unfashionable, and even old Socrates had passed into legend, Britain was being overrun with drunken violent criminals called serfs. Serfs were classed as below peasants as peasants actually did work. Then all of a sudden, William the Conkerer, champion of all horse-chestnut trees, decided that he quite fancied Britain as a garden, and hit upon the plan of invading. The French were routed at the Battle of Stamford Bridge (which has re-enactments at every football match) but decided that such an arse-raping was too much of a good thing and an agreement was reached with the British that the former should win the next round. Not ones for being taken in, they said "Sod off, over the King's dead body!" so the French obliged and shot poor King Harold IN THE FACE, bitch. This is also the origin of BOOM Headshot!, but that's another story. After that the British pretty much bent over for the French (who were not used to having it this way round) and instead of this bizarre practice of giving it up the arse, William the Conkerer decided instead to just build castles and have done with it. Castles began to spring up all over the place, and those useless serfs were finally put to work. Many became foundations, others were lucky/ugly enough to be cast in stone and mounted as gargoyles. Many serfs, however, also found work as the ones building the castles. This was the start of a long chain, never broken, in which the dregs of society become builders. Even now, many chavs can be found on building sites, after which they go to McDonalds and get served by chavs, and then they go and get wasted with other chavs and beat up people who aren't chavs. Anyway, digression over. The use of serfs in construction was recorded by William's scribes, who also included details of each serf's character and opinion of them. Once again the dregs of society were placed in the limelight, and a government movement allowed such records to be published. After a while, every house in the nation - which totalled around 32 at the time - owned a copy of the census. Alas, this was not proper ChavScum, as the records could not be added to.

Moving to the Present[edit]

Modern Times[edit]

After the Millennium passed, some bright spark suddenly opened his eyes to the world and realised that chavs are the scourge of all free-thinking people. Armed with his new-found enlightenment, he embarked on a mission: to defame each and every chav in the country with a website. ChavScum.co.uk quickly became the hottest talked-about site on the net. Including a page for spotting chavs, naming chavs, and even celebrity chavs, he also created Chav of the Month.

Chav Of The Month[edit]

This is the central hub of the site. From here a person may not only talk about chavs, but also reach a state of being that simply surpasses any other, except maybe sex, and there is still some contestation about that. Aside from the chav-haters themselves, there are other kinds of user. Putting it simply, liberal morons occasionally flame ChavScum users, claiming that what is being done there is wrong, but these flamers are holed up with their nerdy e-friends all the time and they don't go out, and therefore do not know how bad the chav problem is. This section of the site has been misinterpreted by the flamers as a box for small-minded people who stereotype; rather, the section is a fertile breeding ground for imaginations, who go on to coin such phrases as "sperm trench" and "bruncledad."

There is another type of person who visits ChavScum, and they are the chavs themselves. (The term person, when describing a chav, is used loosely.) Very often they will come in, drop a bomb of txt-spk bullshit, then wonder why they get irate replies. Sometimes a chav will get confused between ChavScum and faceparty.com (it's not worth the link) and post a picture of themselves, only to find themselves on the receiving end of a flame war. When chavs aren't posting semi-decipherable wastes of electrons, they are instead bashing their heads against the keyboard and proclaiming a particular specimen as attractive when said specimen is clearly not. The theory behind this is, if both sexual partners are ugly then they are probably related, and such a pairing means the spawn being inbred; therefore the chavs keep their line pure. For that reason, a person may find many hideous chavettes crowing over an equally hideous chav except they are in denial about this demented pairing and believe they are 'fit' to make themselves feel better.

The Future[edit]

By the year 2329, chavs will have successfully infiltrated every corner of the globe, as the world is cuboidal, and every nation will have its own socio-economic problems. This is because all world leaders will be spineless bastards and will opt for softer and softer punishments until world trade collapses, as by then people will be paid by the governments to commit the crimes. Burberry will be the biggest company on the planet, seconded by McDonalds. At this point, ChavScum will hit its peak, with over 100,000 hits every minute, 24 hours a day. Finally one of the world leaders will read Chav of the Month, grow a pair and punish people for their crimes, and the world will follow suit, leading to a massive cull. In an act of irony, Greece will be chosen for the burning ground, as it was this country that first cultivated the chavs. ChavScum will be single-handedly responsible for saving the planet and form the basis of the new Bible. Its users will be deified.

The End[edit]

Then I will wake up come the Resurrection .