Cheddar

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search


Cheddar is probably the most common of the 12 Fundamental Cheeses.

This is largely attributed to the fact that, like dragons, cheddar increases in strength as it ages. Some people even go far enough to say that it is the best kind of cheese. America, the UK, and other major countries have authorized the burning of these idiots.

The Aging Process[edit]

There are three main stages associated with the age of cheddar; these are Mild, Mature and Vintage.

Mild[edit]

This is when the cheese is still a baby. This is when it's too boring to eat, thus it is often eaten by old people.

Mature[edit]

Once cheddar reaches the mature stage, it has become much more resilient, and therefore much more difficult to get rid of.

However, it does have a number of uses in this stage of its lifetime, such as being a key component in bridges.

It is also at this stage that cheddar is most fit for consumption, although woe betide any person with a slow metabolism, within whom the cheddar may reach vintage maturity before it is broken down, resulting in the medical conditions known as piles and the more extreme strains of hemorrhoids.

Vintage[edit]

At this stage, usually around 100 - 150 years into its lifetime, the cheddar reaches full maturity.

From this point onwards, the cheddar is practically indestructible. Many attempts to destroy malignant cheddar of this age (little short of a volcanic eruption) have had no effect. Even the formidable panda has had no effect on the cheese.

Hopes of an imminent "super volcanic eruption" around the San Francisco area of America have led various groups to store Vintage cheddar in or around the city, the intent being that it'll be destroyed along with much of America. The Yanks living in said cities complained at being associated with so much cheese but, frankly, no one else cared.

Recent experiments have shown promise, in particular the "CPUT" (pronounced 'ka-put') method, in which the cheddar is placed on a computer's processor during a 'BSOD' termination. However these methods are wasteful of resources and often increasingly hazardous to the designated Cheddar Disposal teams.

The result of this failure has led to an increasing number of governments resorting to dumping the vintage cheddar into the Community Portal. This has caused much protest from Universalists, due to the fears that, despite much evidence to the contrary, the portal will eventually fill, and burst, causing the calamity that has been coined The Big Bang.

Big Bang Theory[edit]

One of the most infamous theories predicting the end of the universe as we know it.

The Big Bang theory suggests that the Community Portal is not, as it is casually assumed to be, a bottomless pit, and that in fact it is getting fuller with every passing minute due to the increasing amounts of vintage cheddar being sucked through wormholes and deposited by local government.

The theory also predicts that at some point in the near future, the Community Portal will reach a maximum limit and that, at this point, the dynamics of the wormholes will be reversed. This will cause an enormous eruption of cheddar from every wormhole in the Universe, covering anything and everything in a smelly, cheesy mess, reducing all other cheese remaining into Le Roule, the most toxic of all the 12 Fundamental Cheeses.

Most unpleasant.

This obviously conflicts with creationism, but we don't burn people anymore, so what can you do? Incidently burning cheddar is used in most, if not all, Roman Catholic smellyburnyswingythingys (censer to the layman)

Cheddar Cheese and the Law[edit]

Cheddar cheese is completely illegal in France. In any recipe that calls for cheddar, the French replace it with cigarettes.

Coleraine[edit]

Cheddar cheese was first discovered around 300-200BC, in what is now known as Northern Ireland. The indigenous people to this country quickly learned that one could melt this substance on toast and round pastry bases, and was extremely tasty when consumed. As everyone knows cheese matures over time, and this cheese had been placed by the Flying Spaghetti Monster when he created the Earth, 4,500 years previous. This caused the cheese to be extremely insatiable, giving the locals what they called "Colon Rain", or "Kolon Raine". This was then shortened to "Coleraine" and they began mining this precious substance and selling it under the brand "Coleraine Cheddar". This has improved the popularity of Northern Ireland by tenfold.

Cheeseness[edit]

The cheeseness of cheddar is very high, possibly because it is cheese. scheddar is composed of quarks and of extremely condensed squirrel piss

Where you can get cheddar[edit]

In order to get cheddar or any kind of cheese you need to kick the cows [email protected]#$ repeadtley until white stuff comes out and a donkey (your mom is a perfect example) licks it.

PureCheese.gif
The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
Cheddar
Cream
Fromunda
Jarlsberg
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"