Cheese
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Cheese, while considered a food source extracted from the udders of the cheese plant by most people, is in fact a highly intelligent and evolved form of mold that when introduced into the human bloodstream moves towards the brain at an alarmingly quick rate. It destroys large portions of its victims cranial mass and converts it into an extreme version of leptothirosis. This in turn attacks the users liver and pancreas turning the victim into a gibbering mass of diseased turnips. This process is called cheesemancy and can be mastered by cheesemancers Lvl 10 & Up(C.P.C.) as seen in Michael Moore's hit soap opera, Super-Size My Ass; The hilarious story of a man made of cheese who dies to feed his mother (who is terminally ill with some tropical disease you and I have never heard of).
Never feed cheese to your grandparents as a chemical reaction could take place in their bodies causing them to explode and splatter all over your dog.
Everyone knows that if you were to ask an idiot to state something random, their response would involve monkeys, pie, or cheese. This simple test is used in laboratories all across Europe.
It has long been believed that cheese is the holiest substance in existence. Eating cheese is proven to cure Anal Cancer, Hepatitis Z and West African Plunger Disease, Soap toenails, Typhoo syndrome and Fat Boy Syndrome. Cheese also works quite well as a substitute for vaseline. Unsurprisingly, The French have recently declared Swiss cheese to be 'the new black', but you should never try to wear Swiss, no matter how small the holes are.
Cheese is also found on the Moon, although it is the blue variety. It is said that the Man on the Moon creates it. (It has also been reported that the moon is made entirely of Parmesan Cheese - but, as everyone knows, this is utter codswallop). Moon cheese is much more nutritious than fromunda cheese, and almost as nutritious as fried cheese. The city Bruxelles is a large consumer of cheese due to famous Gouda cheese Embargo that Rasmuscles from Bruxelles so elegantly solved some years ago
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[edit] How to Make Cheese
Take some stuff, mix it together, let it grow mold, and then sell it to high class people with 'mature tastes'. It is also possible to find someone who has made a "cheese and crackers" platter, and by using a complex extraction process (stealing) take the cheese from the aforementioned "cheese and crackers". Just to acquire a simple piece of cheese. You worthless freeloader. You could have just gone to the moon and gotten some. Moon cheese is better anyways. There is another way to make cheese: pick up 12-year-old-puke, put yellow color-dye in it, throw it in a pot, and you have cheese (please note: your puke must be exactly 12 years old (no more, no less) or your head will explode and you will regret eating sausages for the rest of your life).
[edit] Cheese in Maths
If there is one equation that maths teachers should always teach before the basic 1 + 1 = 2, it is definitely Albert Einstein's Theory of Cheeseology:
Taking his famous equation of: E = M * C2
One can assume the letters represent:
Remember
Cheese = BAcn + m0 / d [1]
- Eat - The E stands for Eat.
- More - The M stands for More.
- Cheese - The C stands for Cheese.
Inputting the equation into a word equation we get:
Eat = MoreCheese2
The fact that Cheese is squared in the above equation results in eating to excess in order to square the amount of cheese you would normally eat. For example, if you ate 50g of Cheese per day, then to abide by Einstein's Law then you must eat 50g2 in order to be consuming the necessary amount of cheese.
Turning the equation into an English sentence should result in:
"Eat More Cheese than you normally would"*
*it could also be translated to mean "Eat More Square Cheese," a direct shapist blow to all the cheese wheels of the world.
[edit] Cheese in Biology
It has been proven via medical examinations that various parts of your body are filled with cheese. These include your arteries, nerves, brain, CD drive, and middle toes on your left feet. It is also common knowledge that most women enjoy the taste of the rare fromunda cheese found only in the fromundal area of the male human body. [2]
To be more accurate, your brain is 50% cheese. If you have never realised this, then you've got a mind block, because half of your brain is clogged with liquid cheese. This is common, so don't panic. To permanently prevent the cheese blockage you can have dairysuction performed at your local hospital.
Dairysuction is often expensive and a cheaper alternative has been found in the old technique of rat snorting. Similar in origin to Kitten Huffing, rat snorting grew very popular in the late 67th century, and has since then dwindled until a recent resurgence in the necrophiliac population.
Rat snorting does not bring sexual pleasure but many feel a pleasurable tickling sensation as the rat eats the liquid cheese out of their brain. Significant brain damage often ensues and the most common side effect is uncontrollable hiccups and lucky charm-flavoured phlegm.
One thing the world will never understand about cheese is that when its green, its more valuable. Although green is thought to be mold, it's snot.
[edit] Cheese in Literature
Fruit of the Cow, by Wan Fu
Fruit of the cow,
delight of my soul,
my touch, my taste,
my need to know.
My need to be felt,
is my need to feel,
what’s under the wrapper,
of cheese marked "real."
Provolone by Patrick
Oh, Provolone, how I do ever love thee!
Thy creamy flesh and hot rind intoxicate me.
I recall the times we dallied about, singing
Or spent nights at the fire, laughing,
But as the date on your back approaches, I cry,
"What cruel fate is this, my love's death is nigh!"
I cradle, touch and kiss thee in our final hour,
Now, sobbing, I cut thee open and devour.
The Cheese Song by The Mighty Boosh
Cheese is a kind of meat,
A tasty yellow beef.
I milk it from my teat,
But I try to be discreet.
Ooh Cheese, Ooh Cheese.
It is a well-known fact that the moon is made of cheese. This was discovered by Wallace and Gromit when they went on a grand day out. Wallace said, when deciding what the moon taste like, "Camembert?...More like Wensleydale to me". So it was never quite decided what the moon actually tastes like but its is thankfully open to discussion.
- William Shakespeare was arrested in 1009 for indecent pictures of cheese. A gossip columnist revealed Shakespeare's cheese fetish to the Pope, who first commented that it was "sick-eth" but was later found lathering melted provolone all over his chest in Shakespeare's inner chamber. The Pope died of Swissilis four years later.
- The word "cheese" was identified to be a hilarious word by the Foundation of People with Little Imagination in 1999, and was the word of the year by the same foundation in 1999.
Some notable books banned for indecent depiction of cheese are:
- Dairy Farm - George Orwell
- The Age of Cheese - Thomas Paine
- Doctor Cheesy-vago - Boris Pasternak
- For Whom the Cheese Tolls - Ernest Hemingway
- Mein Cheddar - Adolf Hitler
- Nineteen Eighty-Formaggio - George Orwell
- Of Mice and Cheese - John Steinbeck
- The Saint-Agur Verses - Salman Rushdie
- Tintin in the Cheeto - Hergé
[edit] Grand Wars of the Cheese
In 1802, the notable writer/poet/semi-deity Oscar Wilde decided to engage in his enjoyable pastime of cheese collecting. It was in this year that George Dubya Bush and Dick Cheney, with the use of a time machine inspired by Jules Verne and made obnoxiously big and complicated by Richard Wagner, went back in time to thwart Wilde from engaging in this activity. Bush and Dick had discovered that Wilde's escapades would have led him to discovering an innate property of cheese that allows for unlimited energy, and so both of the mongers, heavily in bed with oil companies, decided to stop him. Wilde encountered the two as they were busy scamming local villagers out of their property rights in exchange for valueless trinkets. The anatomically associated duo prepared to face Wilde in combat after the dignified gentlemen said to them, "Sup, bizotches; what purpose have you for foolin' around with my peeps?" Cheney proceeded to slap Wilde with a trout that had materialized in his hand for no seemingly apparent reason. Bush stole all of Wilde's cheese, and both he and Cheney escaped in their time machine. Wilde, deprived of the ability to discovered the energy potential of cheese, went on to star on MTV's hit series, Write Rules. Bush and Cheney, accomplished in their mission, managed to screw over the planet's ecosystem, world politics, and the global economy for the next many centuries. And that's how the West was won.
[edit] Cheese in politics
Cheese is currently running as the democratic nominee in America, and is expected to beat John McCain's Republican party by 98.25% of votes to none. However, McCain is likely to regain pover by dressing up as a monkey, and eating cheese. Cheese will become angry, and will end up finding an escape hole via McCain's *ahem*. However, unfortunately for cheese, Elmo will find it, and photo it on the front cover of his album, MC Elmo's 'Da game of Elmo', before finally binning it, and leaving it to mould. How do we know all this? Lets just say that you need to watch your step next time you're going downstairs. Voldemort
[edit] Cheese in religion
Cheesians all over the world rejoice on Cheesemas day, the day when cheesus, the son of wensleydale was born in bethleham&cheesesarnie. They celebrate by giving friends and family gifts of cheese and decorating a cheesemas tree. Most children believe a magical cheese elf called Santa Cheese gives them their presents on Cheesemas eve if they've been good. Other Cheesian festivals include cheaster in which eggs made of cheese are given to friends and family to celebrate the death and rebirth of cheesus, and shrove Cheeseday which is also known as pancheese day.
[edit] How to Tell if It's Cheesy
“What the fuck is that?”
~ Oscar Wilde, on Cheese.
[edit] A Typical Cheesy Person
The typical cheesy person is very easily recognizable in a crowd of people. The most noticeable parts of "The Cheese" are its sprawling, Jew-like hair, and it's very large and honkable nose. Upon first initiating conversation with The Cheese, do not be alarmed at its unwillingness to look at you while conversing. Cheese's usually have a very short attention span and do not work well with others. Oftentimes it will also be hard to understand what The Cheese is trying to communicate, as it speaks in a low mumble. Much like the average Jewish person, cheeses are extremely cheap and constantly question people as to whether or not a certain product or service is free.
[edit] Cheesy Sayings
The typical Cheese also has many popular catchphrases, many of which need translation into standard terms.
"Ding": This refers to anything that is not worth its while; stupid.
“Hey, Ma, this breakfast is ding.”
~ The Cheese, on Breakfast.
"Is it free?": A very popular saying of The Cheese, brought on by its Jew-like qualities.
"Ah crap": This phrase can usually be found at the beginning or end (or both) of any sentence that finds its way out of The Cheese's mouth.
“Ah, crap, I gotta get home and play some COD 4.”
~ The Cheese, on its obsession with Call of Duty 4.
"Honk! Honk!": This sound effect is usually emitted from The Cheese when it is in a playful mood. Hearing this sound lets people around it know that it is ok to approach The Cheese.
[edit] Cheese can refer to:
Historical periods and events:
Science and Technology:
 | The 12 Fundamental Cheeses | ||||
| Holy*
| |||||
| *Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese | |||||
| The 3 Noble Cheeses | |||||
| *Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta" | |||||
People:
- Anticheese (not to be confused with the anti-cheeseists)
- French bikinis
- 64 slices of American Cheese
Food:
Places and Things:
- Cheese Wedge
- Cheese grater
- Kraft
- Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc
- UnPoetia:Ode to the Crunchy Cheese Clinging to the Teflon of my George Foreman Grill
[edit] Cheese As Pets
It is not common knowledge that cheeses can infact make adorable, loving pets. You can dress them up in a variety of costumes (however it is advised that you stay clear of all ninja costumes as cheeses are allergic to ninjas, and will throw up at the sight of anything ninja related); you can tell them anything you have on your mind (cheeses are very good listeners; just don't expect them to talk back to you); and you don't have to clean up their mess. Yes, that's right! Cheeses are house trained, and can look after themselves; you don't even have to make them their food - all cheeses are successful chefs! All in all, a cheese is man's best friend. e = mc2nowayit'sc = gp c = cheese g = great p = pet
[edit] Famous French Cheese
- Maroilles (city of Northern France) : this cheese can stuck on your fingers.
- Boulette d'Avesnes (city of Northern France too) : don't kiss anyone after eating this!
- Vieux Lille (city of Northern France again) : idem!
- Camembert (not a city of Northern France but a city of Normandy) : press with your finger, you'll see it'll make noise!
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