Cheese Festival

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Following the discovery of a cheese vein in Billingshurst in 572 A.D., the Billings tribe elected to pay homage to providence on an annual basis by staging a Cheese Festival. Participants would browse and purchase the cheese on offer during the day before the festival proper started in the evening. At sundown a gong would be stuck which would prompt those in attendance to assemble at the village centre. Once assembled the High Cheese would deliver a speech praising God for the miracle of cheese. Polite applause would usually ensue, then the attendees would go home to bed having first partaken in a lustful cheese orgy or such grotesque proportions that, in 1974, the annual Cheese Festival was cancelled and the Billingshurst cheese mine closed. Detective Sergeant Garland Blaghandle, a fervent right wing anti-cheese activist and scatologist of note, released the following statement at the time of closure:


"On a personal level I am pleased this foul pit of heathen dairy sin has been closed, not least because as a resident of Billingshurst for the last 20 years I have had little choice but to smell the cheesy odors which this mine produces on a daily basis. On a professional level I am satisfied that the enjoyment of thousands of cheese pilgrims has been ruthlessly crushed beneath the jack-booted feet of the Sussex Constabulary who have, I my opinion, been too soft on cheese hedonists and their ilk for too long."


High Cheese in 1974 was none other than John Major, who released the following brief statement:


"It is with deep regret that the Billingshurst cheese mine has been closed under my tenure. As the post of High Cheese is henceforth redundant I shall be ritualistically burning my cheesy vestments to concentrate more fully on my political career. May the cheese be with you."


Today the cheese mine is inaccessible having been built over by a WMD manufacturing facility, though in hot weather the faint stink of cheese can still be enjoyed downwind of the old site.

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