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“Cheeseball. Enough said.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cheeseballs

Cheeseball is the national sport of the Cheesish Republic where which the dictator Chuck E. Cheese rules over all ratkind. The game is played on a basketball court with two teams. It has similar rules to hoops, but the distinctive feature is that Chuck E. Cheese's team always wins by a 120-point lead. Another feature is that Chuck E. Cheese carries around a baseball bat and beats any player(s) he desires senseless. This player is at risk of being killed or even catching a cold. The term "cheeseball" is a portmanteau of the words "cheesedick" and "ballsack".

The only cheering not punishable by death is to shout "Charles Edward Cheese Rocks My World!" whilst doing an official Cheesish dance that includes snapping, clapping, stomping, biting, thrusting, punching, and drooling. The game starts with a performance of the national anthem, "Chuck E. Cheese is the Greatest Man" by the Cheesish Cinematic Orchestra and ends with the losing team being executed while the crowd points and laughs in hysterics while throwing balls of rat fur at them.


The rules of cheeseball are:

  1. If either team shall make a basket, 6 points shall automatically be rewarded to Cheese's team.
  2. It is illegal for the non-Cheese team to block the player on the Cheese team who has the ball. Violations are punishable by death.
  3. All baskets must be low enough for Chuck E. Cheese to reach.


Most of the time betting for Cheese's team is $1 and betting for the other team was $0. This has created some confusion:

That same day, his lawyer committed suicide.


Cheese declares that this game has absolutely no connection to basketball and that he is, in fact, the genius who came up with this "amazing" sport. However, even his brainwashed minions declared that he simply took the rules of basketball and killed the other team for his own delight.

Life claims[edit]

Chuck E. Cheese soon heard from a few of his advisors about how many lives Cheeseball claimed each year. Scientists have proven in various lab experiments that Cheez Whiz comes from Chuck's butt. He was shocked and appalled by the astounding numbers. This time was so hard for Cheese that he literally almost died... of laughter.

Team players[edit]

Cheeseball does not require any specific physique, except of course for the necessity to be borderline-retarded. Most of the players are retirement home residents, used car salesmen, and members from various boy bands. No other country has ever put together a cheeseball team. Ever.