The Cheesish Republic
“L'état c'est moi!”
The Cheesish Republic was the country in which Chuck E. Cheese ruled over all ratkind. It was voted the most ridiculous country in the world by those meatheads at Wikipedia since its founding in July 2006. In March 2017, it was taken over by Basement Cat, who ate all the rodents. It became part of the Basement Empire.
The Cheesish Republic used to be called the Czech Republic, until the kind dictator Charles Edward Cheese invaded and gave every human there Bubonic Plague and Tourette's Syndrome with his army of minions. It was then re-named the Republic of Cheesia and later the Cheesish Republic, because the first name... wasn't weird enough. The official(?) religion was the Cheesist Church, the national language was Cheesish, and the national sport was Cheeseball.
The Cheesish Church
The main book of the Cheesish Church is the Bhagavad-Cheesah. An excerpt from it reads:
“In the beginning, there were four rats. One ate the other three and fucked a pinecone, and started the greatest civilization known to mankind. Before the Greeks, the Romans, and the Filipinos, there were the rats.”
“And so, His nuts itched, and He had one of the servants scratch them. He promptly kiled the servant after his foiled attempt to snatch a rotten pubic hair. And that is Cheesist way to serve a wedding cake.”
Official revised national anthem of the Cheesish Republic, as told by the Bhagavad-Cheesah:
“Chuck E. Cheese is the greatest man
The greatest man in the universe
He may be a rat, but how you like that!He's Chuck E. Cheese.”
Original words of the national anthem:
“Charles Edward Cheese is a Genius
The most ingenious man in the world,
He may be a rodent, and that's certainly potent,He is known as Charles Edward Cheese.”
There are of course many interpretations of the Bhagavad-Cheesah, mainly because Chuck E. Cheese wrote it entirely in Cheesish. It's main point is that Chuck E. Cheese is the greatest man in the universe.
The Cheesish Republic had the most bizarre government system in the history of... ever. Think not? Then here's some proof:
The Cheesish parliamentary system declared that since Chuck E. Cheese was the greatest man, he then therefore ruled the country for life.
Cheesish Voting Ballots
If a Cheesish citizen wanted to vote, here were the requirements:
- You needed to be the greatest man in the universe (decided by the president)
- You needed to be the president(decided by the president)
- You needed to be handsome (decided by the president)
- You needed to be funny (decided by the president)
“I'm fine with revolutions in my country, as long as they are not directed toward me. If they are, well then you... you... you're in timeout and I'm taking away your Chuck E. Cheese coupon for two hours, mister. I mean, you can kill a pregnant goat and it's unborn babies, and then fuck the brains out of its dead carcass, but that doesn't mean you can get free high-speed internet. Fucking comcast. ”
Sticking your head up your ass
“I'm fine with sticking your head up your ass in my country, as long as both the head and the asss consent. If they don't, well then you... you... you're in timeout and I'm taking away your Chuck E. Cheese coupon for two hours, mister. I mean, you can kill a pregnant goat and it's unborn babies, and then fuck the brains out of its dead carcass, but that doesn't mean you can get free high-speed internet. Fucking comcast. ”
The main currency of the Cheesish Republic was the token. Like Alan Greenspan or Ben Bernanke, Chuck E. Cheese was the Chairman of his country's Federal Reserve. His first order was that one zillion tokens be made so that everybody in the world would be able to go to Chuck E. Cheese's sixteen bajillion times. This of course led to mass inflation. Chuck E. Cheese then realized that in order for the whole world to be able to go to Chuck E. Cheese's, he would need to make the token available in all parts of the world. He made the token 1 Yen in Japan, $1 in the U.S.A., etc. He found that the demand for tokens in Japan went up, and travel to Japan went up too. Coincidence? Probably. However, Chuck E. Cheese refused to raise the price of the token in Japan. Japan Air sent him a boquet of flowers. Coincidence? Probably. Then, Chuck E. Cheese ate four slices of pizza. Six thousand miles later, a boy in India got eaten alive by a pack of rabid hamsters. Coincidence? No way. No fucking way.
Shortly after, there was a shortage of tokens in Japan. People were traveling to Japan, buying tokens for 1 yen, and then returning to the U.S. to sell tokens for 50 cents. Rather than deal with the shortage and black markets by raising the price, he "solved" the shortage by raising the token supply from one zillion to two zillion. He "solved" the black markets by asking Japan Air to raise the price to fly to Japan. None of these worked. Soon, all of the U.S. dollars were owned by the Japanese Chuck E. Cheese's. The only currency the U.S. had was tokens. These were all spent at the American Chuck E. Cheeses'. The United States was bankrupt. The Japanese Chuck E. Cheese's had to close down because of the shortage of tokens. The CEO's of Japan Air were zillionaires. Ben Affleck started cheating on Jennifer Lopez. Having ruined the entire world economy, Chuck E. Cheese went home, smoked his weed, and watched a Teletubbies marathon.
After the Teletubbies marathon, a pop tart, and a masturbation session, Chuck E. Cheese applied for a patent on fun within the Cheesish Republic. He called it a "funopoly"; the only way you could have fun was by going to a Chuck E. Cheese's, all other ways were forbidden and punishable by death and/or sticking a meat cleaver up your ass. Naturally, nobody went. Chuck E Cheese was so furious he stuck a meat cleaver up his ass.
He then ran around with a bleeding rectum. Later, Cheese claimed he "liked it."
Cheesish was the country's national language and is a dialect of gibberish. The language consists of randomly shouting out names of cheeses. During the years of the Cheesish Republic, you were required to use the words "Chuck E. Cheese" in every sentence, which is one of the reasons that every sentence was positive back then. Negative sentences were punishable by death and could possibly result in a spanking.