Cheez Whiz

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Cheez Whiz is an unpasteurized knock-off of Velveeta made by Kraft. It was packaged in a toothpaste-like tube which was easily confused with that tasty mint-flavored toothpaste. This tube was put on the market when it was discovered that a previous packaging design of a spray aerosol can was being repackaged by Oprah and marketed as a facial scrub, but the can has since been re-established due to popular demand.

Cheez Whiz is considered a delicacy in mobile home parks, on Nasa space flights, in inner city day care centers, and in most places where nutrition is a low priority. In New York, you can find a hot dog and Cheez Whiz vendor on almost every street corner.

Chef Rocco DiSpirito, star of the failed TV show The Restaurant, is often credited with inventing Cheez Whiz and popularizing the poisonous Oysters Cheez Whiz at his Manhattan eatery. Recent evidence points to the true originator as Donald Trump, inventor of the meatball pizza.

Special Occasions[edit]

There are several times when serving Cheez Whiz is traditional. These are:

  • Mexico vacation weekend
  • New job keg party
  • You just got fired keg party
  • No reason just feel like drinking keg party
  • Bat Mitzvah reception
  • Drug-induced late-night vomiting and TV watching session
  • Suicide
  • Murder
  • Anti-depressents
  • Tooth Paste
  • Edible socks
  • Stuffing
  • CD Cleaner
  • Algebra
  • Glue
  • MAMA?! MAMA LUIGI?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-aghspflfllfglaaarg!


Cheez Whiz really is illegal in Canada. This is on the grounds of good taste.

(Bullshit! Cheez Whiz isn't illegal in Canda!)

Everywhere Else[edit]

Cheez Whiz is regularly eaten and admired in Great Britain and in America. This is for the exact opposite reasons as the Canadian ban.


The appearance of Cheez Whiz has come under fire in recent years, mostly because of its strong resemblance to certain aspects of As Minister Fulton McBrownEye was reported as saying: "This shit is really nasty. No one likes to be reminded of yellow anus juice." However, the resemblance could be purely coincidental.

Cheez Whiz no longer contains real cheese, the flavour comes from milk protein and extracts from urine (hence the name). The wee also gives some colour.

Cheez Whiz is one of Satan's favourite foods.

The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"