Chelmsford
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| Chelmsford | |
|---|---|
| Closest border: | Colchester, Brentwood |
| Formal status: | Single |
| Where it is | |
| County: | Essex |
| Region: | South East |
| Nation: | United Kingdom |
| Post Office Strikes | |
| Post town: | Chelmsford |
| Postcode: | CM1, CM2 |
| Dialling Code: | 01245 |
Chelmsford is the County Town of Essex, but the local football team prefer to call it a city. The sole purpose of Chelmsford is to provide green open spaces, breathable air and good schools for commuters who work in London during the week.
Contents |
[edit] History
In the Doomesday Book of 1086 the town was called 'Celmeresfort'. The Doomsday Book was executed for William the Conqueror in order "to find out what or how much each landholder had in land and livestock, and what it was worth". An exciting question.
But not as exciting as 1985 when Harry Judd from McFly born in the town. Interestingly he began drumming when he found an upturned bin in the grounds of Hylands Park during one of his afternoon jaunts. He started hitting it furiously with a discarded wooden spoon and a few moments later had composed his first hit "5 Colours in Her Hair". He was two years old.
Elvis Presley lived above the Blue Dolphin Fish Bar on Duke Street for several years following his alleged death. He often helped out when they were short-staffed. This inspired the Kirsty McColl song "There's a guy works down the chip shop swears he's Elvis" after she popped in for a small cod and chips while waiting for a bus.
In 2007 the Channel 4 programme "Location, Location, Location" voted Chelmsford as the 8th best place to live in the UK. This was largely the result of a typing error by a low level researcher for the Channel 4 programme. In fact the town was meant to be ranked as 8th most boring place in the whole actual world. It was a hell of a typo; but thanks to the fact that Kirsty Allsop would rather prance around the streets dressed as Mary Poppins than check the information she is given, it went unnoticed.
In 2008 Britney Spears moved to Chelmer Village with her children Sean Preston and Jayden James. She is frequently spotted at Dukes nightclub downing Tequila shots and publicly denouncing ex-husband Kevin "K-fed" Federline.
[edit] Economy
Chelmsford began as a market town which meant that it was a town with a market. The market was popular for its magic potions, books about witchcraft and delicious macaroons. Later the town became industrial and began making its own stuff. Since then there have been many sleek new developments in the town centre for businessmen and time travellers, while there have been many dull developments outside the town centre for young families, peasants and thieves, with Chelmer Village being a splendid example.
[edit] Transport
Chelmsford spits out commuters to London, only to suck them back in at the end of the day. The town enjoys good train service to London Liverpool Street. This train service is better and faster than Brentwood's train service into Central London. This is largely because the Chelmsford train fails to stop at several East London stations. This resulted when a 1982 survey found that 99 in every 100 Chelmsfordians are "terrified of" and "unnerved by" many East London stations including “Goodmayes” and “Maryland” (although there are in fact numerous "plastic gangsters" residing within Chelmsford they are incomparable in might to the eagle-eyed knife-wielding ninja's who haunt East London; peering out from under their hoods as they plot to steal iphones, ipods, imacs, and people’s shoes). Harry from McFly claimed not to be scared of the ninja's but he is because he once wet himself when one of them walked past him and shouted "Boo!"
Chelmsford has a brand new bus station with buses going to all suburbs of the town, and then coming back again. Sadly planners forgot that there is a size difference between a bus and a bicycle, hence the reason it is so difficult for buses to swivel around. And they "had" to throw in flats. The flats are very cheap because sooner or later, a bus will crash into them. The County Councillor for transport even thought about introducing a Rapid Transit Bus system. He then woke up and discovered he was 20 minutes late for work.
If you want to travel further it is suggested that you get on the shuttle bus to Stansted airport. It only costs £7 for a one-way ticket which means you can spend the rest of your money building a new life in the sun.
[edit] Culture
The town has many shops, lively nightlife and pubs; so whether you are a chav, emo, gay, skater, boff who doesn't want to be given a stereotype or simply looking for a fight, the town has lots to offer.
Annually the town hosts the V-Festival. It’s like a normal festival where people lark about all day in a field throwing mud for fun. But instead of throwing real mud the festival goers throw Marks and Spencer’s mud. And instead of getting wasted on cheap Cider, the festival goers get wasted on Peach Schnapps. Vernon Kay recently described it as “the middle class version of T in the Park”.
Sometimes the hustle and bustle of town life can take its toll on Chelmsfordians, residents who seek to get away from things can spend lazy Sunday afternoons at Cuton Hall Lane Retail Park; a particularly pleasant place to whittle away the hours during the summer months.
Popular choices for holiday destinations among Chelmsfordians include the Costa del Crime, particularly Torremolinos and Marbella:
"The sun beats down on more than £1bn worth of yachts. Top-of-the-range Rolls-Royces, Mercedes and BMWs jostle for position on the quayside as their owners sip Moet & Chandon in the restaurants or shop in the designer boutiques. This is Puerto Banus, a luxury suburb of Marbella in southern Spain and truly a millionaire's paradise. But who are these people and where does their wealth come from? The majority are legitimate businessmen, but Britain currently has a list of 230 known criminals sheltering in Spain and many of them are believed to live in and around Puerto Banus" BBC News
It has been confirmed that these 230 known criminals, their associates or their Essex wives at some point resided in or around the Chelmsford area.
[edit] Education
The character "Simon" from hit E4 show “The Inbetweeners” is from Chelmsford. He was educated at King Edward’s Grammar School where, amongst other things, he learnt to act, tell jokes and speak fluent English. His real name is Joe Thomas and he is in fact so famous there isn’t even a photograph of him on his Wikipedia page.
Located at the arches of Viaduct Road is a secret passageway which leads to Nogglewarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Famous wizard Albus Dumbledore taught here long before being headhunted for a teaching post at Hogwarts School. The Nogglewarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry controversially advocates the idea of wizard domination of Muggles.
There are a number of other schools in Chelmsford, there is also a college, and even a University. If you’re a real thrill seeker then do not hesitate to research them further.
[edit] Sport
Essex County Cricket Club is one of the 18 major county clubs which make up the English domestic Cricket structure, representing the county of Essex. The club is based at the County Ground in New Writtle Street. Since 1671 Wizards from a nearby school have been campaigning for the sight to be transformed into a Quidditch pitch and in March 2007 the 2012 Olympics Committee eventually confirmed that this was a distinct possibility.
[edit] Redevelopment
A new brownfields zero-carbon affordable eco-development made of recycled materials and placed within easy reach of the town centre and transport interchange was completed on Duke Street on time and within budget in 2007. It was a cardboard box inhabited by a vagrant named Fatima. It was later demolished to make way for Tesco Metro customer parking.
[edit] Famous Chelmsford Residents
- Joe Thomas
- Harry Judd
- Britney Spears
- Clint Eastwood
- Jack Bauer
- Jesus
- Elvis
[edit] Places of Interest
There are (surprisingly) places of interest, which include:
- St John’s Hospital (birthplace of Harry Judd and Tyler Woollard)
- The River Chelmer (excellent for a invigorating swim)
- Chelmer Village (a suburban like hole built in the 80's)
- Dukes night club (popular hangout of local celebrity Britney Spears)
- The second largest Cathedral in Essex after Harlow (a good pee stop for youths who have been binge drinking)
- A stately home (Richard Branson holds his raves here)
- Broomfield (birthplace of man)
- Springfield (geothermal springs and hot mud treatment spa)
