Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.

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Союз Советских Социалистических Республик
Lokomotiv Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.
Chelski.jpg
Together, Impossible is Nothing (if you don't count winning penalty shootouts)
Founded 2003
Ground Stamford Bridge, London
Manager That foreign bloke from the country the shape of a shoe
Communist Overlord Roman Abramovich 22px-Flag of Wankers.png
Cunt Executive Peter Kenyon
League FA Premier League
2009/10 Home Kit
Chelskishirt.jpg

“"Roman says he will win a European trophy if it kills him - either that, or he will kill everyone else in Europe"”

~ Peter Kenyon looks ahead to Chel$ki's 2008/09 Champions League campaign
“"Uh how do you say... What thing have got two legs and bleeds a lot...

One half of dog!

BOOM BOOM! I LIKE MAKE JOKE IN PRESS CONFERENCE"”
~ Carlo Ancelloti in response to a question about John Terry

“"No more money, no more expensive player arrive in helicopter... every time you make bad buys, I want good buys"”

~ Roman Abramovich on his players

“"Believe me, you don't know how close I am to good bye"”

~ Jose Mourinho on Shevchenko

“"Who cares about Chelsea - Manchester City and QPR are richer anyways!"”

~ Oscar Wilde on Chelsea

“"What a top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top player"”

~ Jamie Redknapp on Frank Lampard

“"You will lose"”

~ Russian boxer Ivan Drago on Chelski

“"Maybe Avram wasnt that bad after all..."”

~ Chelsea fan on Phil Scolari

“"In Soviet Russia, goal scores you!"”

~ Roman Abramovich on Andriy Shevchenko

“"In Soviet Russia, money makes Abramovich!"”

~ Russian reversal on Abramovich

Lokomotiv Chel$ki Abramograd Football Club (Russian: Рома́н Арка́дьевич Абрамо́вич);, also known as Chelsea FC, Glory Hunters FC and The Bestest Team Ever, Ever and formerly known as Dynamo Chelsea plc, are a London based football club founded by a Russian billionaire in 2003. Chel$ki are a complete sham of a club, with their fans perpetually engaged in a fierce battle of glory hunting with the fans of the Manchester Red Sox.

Since football was first played in 2003, Chel$ki have crushed the weak Premier League by twice, as well as winning the Fuck All Cup in 2007 and reaching the final of the 2008 European Championship of Glory Hunting, which is a money-driven farce of a competition designed to make rich European clubs even richer.

Chel$ki's traditional kit colours are blue shirts and shorts with white socks, however, Roman plans to change this to a lovely red and yellow number with CCCP written across the front by August 2011. The club crest has been changed several times in attempts to appeal to their glory hunter supporters. Roman originally suggested to placing stars around the crest to signify the amount of European Cups they have won. When he was advised that Chel$ki had not yet actually won a European Cup, he instead decided to use a Hammer and Sickle, designed to strike fear and suffering into the hearts of all across Europe. Forward Russia!


History[edit]

Shortly after this, Little Bitch Scolari was presented with a big sack of money.

forever-2003[edit]

Chelsea Football Club was started in 1905 by Satan, he was bored and thought he should make some stupid team and appoint some comi bastard president. although they almost won the FA Cup final in 1915, where they lost to fellow dippers Sheffield United. Between then and 2003, Chelsea were fucking shit, and as a result, they won nothing, being voted the greatest fuck up of a club in English history.

They also fluked it and won the league in 1955 mainly because all of the other teams felt sorry for them and let them win that year.

In the late 90s, they did have some Italian minger called Gianfranco Zola, who was a ripper player, but even with Zola, they still won fuck all trophies.

The Abramovich Era (2003-Present)[edit]

In June 2003, Russian crime boss and oil magnate Roman Abramovich bought the club for no apparent reason apart from to feed his own ego. It cost him £140 million of money he pilfered off poor innocent Russian civilians. He spent even more money on some of the world's biggest players, such as Michael Essien and Didier Drogba, probably the greatest diver and referee killer of the modern Olympics.

Ranieri was unable to deliver any trophies, so Roman had him executed in by the Russian Mafia, but convinced the English press that he fired him. He then brought in Jose Mourinho - a smelly, arrogant, egocentric Portuguese cunt who won Chelsea a great big fucking shitload of shit, including back to back Premier League titles, two Community Shields, two Carling Cups and the FA Cup in 2007. Jose sucked Peter Kenyon's cock every night. In September 2007, Jose refused to suck Kenyon's cock as he was not in the mood. Because of this, Mourinho was replaced by Avram Grant, who led the club to their first European Glory Hunting Championship Final which they fucked up. Grant was executed after this failure and was succeeded by Luiz Felipe Scolari in July 2008. Scolari fucked them up and was also sacked and replaced by Guus Hiddink in 2009. Hiddink actually did well, but Abromavich couldn't afford to keep him because of the credit crunch. As of the 1st June 2009, they bought some italian mug.

Chel$ki Player Prerequisites[edit]

Terry & Lampard celebrate playing for Roman Abramovich. No longer will they be poor

To play for Chelsea, a potential signing must have eight special qualities:

1. Player must cost over £10 million (even if they are really, really shit; see Solomon Kalou)
2. Player must be paraded around for media upon being signed, preferably holding Peter Kenyon's penis, but if not possible, a Chel$ki shirt will do
3. Player must be prepared to drill for oil in Russia if not good enough to make the first team
4. Player must also work 200 mandatory hours as a henchman at Roman's secret evil volcano lair in Siberia
5. Player cannot be English unless they have a stupid accent, shit hair and are totally despicable
6. Player must dive. Frequently.
7. Player must believe that they are at least ten times better than they actually are (see Didhedive Dogshit)
8. Player must oil up Peter Kenyon's head and kiss it at least three times per week

Current Squad[edit]

1. Petr Cech the mong[edit]

Chel$ki's goalkeeper. Cech famously headbutted Stephen Hunt's knee in a game against Reading and even more famously claimed he suffered a "stress fracture" to his skull. He now wears a mong helmet (which is actually used in rugby, though no one has told him this yet) when he plays. Luckily for Reading, Hunt's knee made a full recovery. It is also thought that the mong helmet is actually to cover up the devil horns which got from selling his soul to Satan...I mean Chel$ki.

When not playing, Cech is safely kept inside a padded room, where he shits in his hand and throws it at people.

3. Cashley Judas Asshole Cunt Tweedy[edit]

“"For fucks sake you cunts, help the poor little fucker will ya!!! How the fuck can he fucking live on £55,000 a fucking week!!"”

~ Bob Geldof on Arsenal's offer to Ashley Cole

Cashley Judas Asshole Cunt Tweedy is a scummy little cunty, bollock licking, phone vibrating up the ass using, picker of his ring hole. He is the biggest ladyboy bellend gobshite that has ever pulled on a pair of boots. Known for being a closet fudge packer, Cashley has a sham publicity marriage to the chav slapper from Girls Aloud. He is also Joe Cole's long lost incestual fuck buddy. In a recent game against Kazakhstan playing for England, Ashley got his scrotum grabbed by an opposing player. Since then, he has had a raging erection that has resulted in his inability to play football indefinately. He eats Juliano Belletti's shit.

Cashley was once a pennyless hobo that roamed the streets of London, working as a part time prostitute (bum sex only) for expensive customers (see Jose Mourinho). One day, this French bloke said with no expression on his face "Jue c'omm wiff me en I make jue an offeur jue cannot refuez".

Ashley married racist singer Cheryl Tweedy, as an act of convenience, despite his very public sexual relationship with John Terry. The marriage is beneficial to Ashley as it disguises the fact that he is actually gay, while Tweedy uses the marriage to pretend that she is not racist.

In late 2007, in a further attempt to disguise his sexuality, Cole cheated on Cheryl with a blonde slag, however, it turned out that this was also an act of convenience, as she actually had a penis.

For more, see Ashley Cole

Essien signs for Chelski Abramograd.

5. Michael Ass-ien[edit]

Known for his sexual frustrations, Essien was famous in Ghana for promoting the use of Viagra, as they seemed to give him a burst of hormonal rage in which he would attempt to kick strikers, teammates, referees and mascots in the genital region.

Essien uses a special motivational technique learnt from the movie "Waterboy", in which John Terry says to him before a match "Hey, the whole other team banged your mum Michael - you gonna let them get away with it?". Michael is therefore a very angry man. As angry as he is one thing's for sure, he's one ugly son of a bitch. Essien holds the record of biggest forehead in the Premier League beating the much underrated and rather shit Ashley Young of Aston Villa.

It has been rumored that Essien is a prototype in Abramovich's evil scheme to create a super race of cyborg footballers. He doesn't feel pity, remorse or fear, and absolutely will not stop. Ever.

6. Retardo Carvalho[edit]

Apparently Portuguese, despite his scruffy French appearance and smell. Being Portuguese, he is gay by default, however, he further emphasises his gayness by trying to rip opposition players' shirts off. He is rapidly losing his hair, and in the 2007/08 season, won the "Shittest Hair in the Premier League" trophy, Chel$ki's only silverware for the season.

Retardo bears a striking resemblance to Social critic and Irish prime minister, Dylan Moran, but has denied allegations that they are one-in-the-same, stating that Moran has more hair than he does.

Mike loves his ass hole

7. Andre 3000 Shitstinko[edit]

Roman's bitch and former professional footballer, Andre 3000 was invented by zaff creations and retired from football in 2006 when he joined Chel$ki, prefering to pick up pay checks and work on his golf game. His prolific strike rate in English football is only bettered by Sir Peter Beardsley and Paul Robinson.

Andre 3000 appeared to have suffered irreversable mental trauma when Roman Abramovich dumped him for his new life partner Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari. He has now been dumped as well but only after a large payment... (You'd think Roman would get him to sigh a pre-nup) Roman's new bitch is Carlo Ass!-I-likee He currently resides at Milan Home for the Aged on a paid vaction from Chel$ki.He has now moved to Dinamo Kiev, where he was born to Ambramograd's first husband, and he shall now mine for oil in outer Siberia...

7. Robinho[edit]

Never mind.

Lampard featured in the October 2006 edition of Chunky Magazine

8. Fat Frank Lumpalard[edit]

Fat Frank is most famous for winning Major League Eating's World Series a record six consective times. Having reached the pinnacle of professional eating, Frank embarked on his footballing career, and today is most famous for shooting on average over 200 times per match. Some have compared his shooting tactic to that of the US Army - eventually one of them has to hit a large Arab nation. Fat Frank currently holds the Chel$ki recored for most number of deflections leading to a goal, with 36 (34 of those being off his own arse).

He came through the youth system at West Ham, however, upon realising that he wasn't actually going to be paid in ham in the first team, he sought a transfer to Chel$ki.

Upon signing for Chel$ki, many supporters began to suspect that Frank was in fact born a retard, as team members were often seen shouting at him, perhaps reminding him to kick as hard and straight as he can towards the different shirt-coloured player standing between the posts. Today, Chel$ki fans have realised that he is in fact a genius, having developed the ability to teleport and go down the pie shop for the first sixty minutes of the game, before reappearing on the pitch and accidentally kicking the ball into an opposing player which by chance bounces into their net.

Recently, Frank grew so large that he was no longer able to use the conventional entrance to the pitch with the other players. To ensure their star player could still play, a hole was blasted in the corner of Stamford Bridge in order to get his forklift in.

In his autobiography "Food and Me", Frank stated that he says he does intend to lose weight, because if he grows much larger he will implode into himself causing a shit hole, and no one wants another Manchester, do they?

For more see Frank Lampard.

10. Joe "I shall not pass!" Cole[edit]

He with the patchy growth. Cheeky chappy Joe is a real man's man and tops up his earnings by being a Soho rent boy. Joe, when playing football, can be a real match winner. When he isn't being a footballer or a rent boy he whiles away his time trying to chat up models and then being beaten up by their boyfriends. He's the first of the contestants from the game show "I'm A Mong, Give Me Job" to find fame and fortune in football.

Unknown to many, Joe Cole is actually an albino whose ancestors descended from South America, which explains why he's the only white English player who can dribble.

11. Didhedive Dogshit[edit]

An Ivorian striker with really shit hair, Dogshit is one of two openly gay players in the premiership. Dogshit adapted to English football at a similar rate to Shitstinko. Over 6ft tall and built like an ox, Didhedive goes down quicker than Wayne Rooney in an old people's home.

Known to opposition players as "The Dying Swan", Didhedive is one of the all time legends of the Chel$ki squad, despite being burdened with 'Klinsmann's disease', a terrible balance insufficiency syndrome which makes the patient tip over at the slightest movement of air around him. Upon first coming to London, Dogshit spent weeks in hospital due to embarrassing falling-on-the-street-and-sobbing-like-a-child incidents, which led to him being kicked to the shit by all sorts of London folk.

Recent season have seen an improvement in form for Dogshit. leading to accusations that Didhedive has sold his soul to Satan. These claims have not been substantiated, and a far more likely conclusion is that Dogshit got laid. Cashley Cole has refused to comment on this but was seen leaving Dogshit's apartment with a a semi-on and a weird vibrating sound - not unlike that of a cell phone - eminating from his anus.

13. Michael Kowalski "likes" Bollocks[edit]

Ballsack, a German midfielder, was the darling of German football until he joined Chelski, went on the 'Fat Frank' diet and put on almost thirty-two stone. With a work rate and dedication equivalent to that of Paris Hilton, Ballsack has now been demoted to mopping floors and working as an evil henchman at Abramovich's secret evil volcano lair.

It was revealed at the end of the 2008 season that Ballsack was actually Matt Damon, researching his role for his latest film "How to Destroy Your Career and Alienate Your Country". The real Ballsack still plays for Bayern Munchen in Football's worst kept secret (Only Chelsea don't know).

Ballsack is well known for his dramatic swipes at the football when outside of the penalty box - he usually hits the top corner - of the stand. He is the only football player who has been jailed for murder but is currently been released on bale (not to be mistaken with Gareth Bale, Tottenham's shitty over-rated 5 year old left back). Because of this he has patented the phrase "killed a man in the stand".

15. Florence "Is he even on the pitch?" Malouda[edit]

Signed in 2007, this French winger looks almost identical to Soulja Boy Kaloooouuuuuu; although he is slightly shittier. Florence is known for his amazing ability of being disposessed at any chance he gets. He is also skilled at being completely unable to pass another player.

In 2008 he received the honour of being named "Francaise Turd Footballer", an award he received ahead of teammate Nicolaziness "Le Sulk" Anelka. The award was a ceremonial baguette, presented to him by the rather fit Carla Brunei. Honoured to receive the award, Florence said to the Chelsea fans: "I am greatly honoured to receive this award, and promise to play twice as shit next season". Manager Squeak Scolari has critised him for setting such a difficult target for himself. However, he is no longer shit due to his amazing hair which changes six times a match.

17. Jose Monobrow-singwa[edit]

Brow-singwa is a prototype in Abramovich's evil scheme to create a super race of cyborg footballers. He doesn't feel pity, remorse or fear, and absolutely will not stop running like a headless chicken. Ever. Although Roman admits they fucked up his eyebrows Retardo Carvalho was delighted at his arrival because now they could bum each other all night especially as Brosingwa has plenty of stamina.

18. You're A Jerkoff[edit]

Signed by new manager, Carlo Thanksalotti. Russian international, experienced wanker. Can use the left or the right. Left or right feet, of course.

19. Paulo Ferrari[edit]

The forgotten defender, Ferrari was once called the best defender in the world by Mourinho, which was a really good joke at parties. He is related to the famous pornstar Lolo Ferrari, and is descendant of the Ferrari family dynasty of really quick cars.

20. Art Deco Homo a.k.a. Scolari's Fuck Buddy[edit]

Chelsea midfielder and playmaker Deco spent the early years of his career in a gay marriage with Jose Mourinho in Portugal. Everything changed in Deco's career when the slut was caught cheating on the Special One with new black love interest Frank Rijkaard. What followed was a bitter divorce proceeding, in which Deco pissed off to Spain.

Once arriving in his new home of Barcelona, Deco promptly started a gay relationship with Ronaldinho. A favourite past time of the couple was going to Chubby's Gay Bar where they would dance to the Village People and Bear Force One all night. One day, whilst lying on the couch watching "Will and Grace", Deco told Ronaldinho he loved Chubby's. Ronnie, however, got the wrong idea and decided to pork it up for his man.

As Ronnie grew fatter, Deco was finding himself less attracted to the buck toothed one, and upon the arrival of Lionel Messi, things got messy. The situation exploded when Ronaldinho walked in on Messi and Deco bumming in the locker rooms. From this point on, Barca turned to pure shite as Deco and Ronnie rufused to play together. Deco tried a new badass shaved hair style to win Ronnie back, but it was too late, and the club settled the dispute by selling both players on.

During Euro 2008, the now single Deco had to fight off the ravenous advances of Cristiano Ronaldo, who suggested that they play naked five-a-side in Portugal training to help the team bond, a proposition that was also supported by Retardo Carvalho.

Now at Chel$ki, Deco has settled in well. (By settling in well, we mean settling into Scolari's bed)

21. Soulja Boy Kalooooouuuuuuu[edit]

Looks like Malouda. Kalou is Drogba's favourite Ivorian bum boy - rumour has it that they bum each other several times each night, as well as before and after matches.

22. Ross Turd-bull[edit]

Amazing goalkeeper signed from Middlesbrough.

23. Carlo Cudihehavesavedit[edit]

No, he couldn't have.

He is now a Spur. A Spud. A potato. Whatever.

23. Daniel Sturridge[edit]

Joined from Manchester City due to Anelka's demands for a new bumboy.


39. Nicklaziness "Le Sulk" Analka[edit]

“"After playing for PSG, Arsenal, Madrid, a few months at Liverpool, PSG again, Fenerbache, Manchester City, the Lilli Pilli 21As, Basingstoke Town Football Club, Kashima Antlers, LA Galaxy, New England Patriots and Bolton, I am proud to be finally playing for the greatest club in the world; Manchester United!.........um, I mean Chelsea!"”

~ Analka, upon signing for Chel$ki

Sulky French striker. Dogpoo Analka is a world reknowned mercenary and bounty hunter, widely known for his habit of switching teams several times per hour, which often causes massive confusions in matches when he randomly changes his uniforms. In a 1996 match between Arsenal and Liverpool, he was spotted on the pitch running around with a Real Madrid uniform. Ten minutes after that had he been transferred to Leeds, and only five minutes after that, he signed for AC Milan. It is rumored that his miss in Moscow was due to a temporary loan deal he signed with Manchester United during extra time.

Analka is frequently spooned by fellow teammate, Didhieve Dogshit.

It is a known fact that he also enjoys rolling the ball into the net in hopes that people will get excited about the fact that he scored. He has the world record of shittiest hat-trick ever. He scored it against Boro and stole a goal from Alex, who repeatedly whacked him with his cock in the dressing room after the game.

He always celebrates scoring by doing that ugly, gay and stupid butterfly thingy.

In June 2009 he asked for a new contract with a clause that allowed him, Didier & the new boss to have a threesome after every goal he scored as a bonus.

In October 2008, the Oxford Dictionary was revised, with it stating that the words "Anelka" and "Shit" are now interchangable. Therefore, the following phrases are now completely legitimate:

"Where's the toilet, I need to do an Analka"

"I think i'm gonna Analka my pants"

40. Hilarious[edit]

Chelsea's third choice keeper, Hilarious is not actually a real professional footballer, but rather signed as a practical joke by Abramovich, who was drunk on Vodka at the time and dared to by his best mate Vladimir Putin.

It has been said that Hilario has about as much goalkeeping proficiency as a parapledgic midget with no arms or legs, however, it was determined that this overstating his ability; a midget can at least blow the ball away; the only thing that Hilario blows is Peter Kenyon's cock.

Notable Managers[edit]

Jose Mourinho[edit]

"Zis is my favourite shexual position, no?" (Mourinho, shortly before leaving Chelsea over an argument regarding the size of John Terry's penis)

“Football is like working in the garden, if you wear no pants people will see you and laugh but when they see your garden growing nicely they will start saying that gardening without pants is unfair”

~ Mourinho on his managerial techniques

“I'm the best. I'm the bestest best. I'm the best of the best. There is nobody better than me yet I still can't figure out why I get called big-headed all the time”

~ Mourinho on being the best


Jose Mourinho, or 'scruffy cunt', as he is better known, is the product of a sexual encounter between Ronnie Corbett and a Portuguese gyppo with syphilis. He is often mistaken to be Portuguese, when in fact, he was born and raised in Croydon. From here, he went on to become one of the characters of world football. Making his name with Portuguese crack-side FC Porto, "Special One" defied the odds to win the European Championship of Glory Hunting in 2004.

Following this triumph, he was kidnapped by the Russian Mafia and driven to Roman Abramovich's secret evil lair in Siberia, where he was beaten, drugged and then "persuaded" to join Chel$ki.

Having spent millions of laundered roubles on top talent like Assier Del Horno and Khalid Boulahrouz, he led Chel$ki to their first league title for 50 years, and also won a few other meaningless trophies.

His main tactics and training methods included bumming John Terry every week so he performed well, and playing "special" footsies with Drogba after every training session. He would also threaten to sexxualy infringe referees and other officials if crucial decisions didn't go his way.

On January 15 2007, Mourinho won the Golden Globe for Biggest Cunt for his leading role in "The Special One". In his acceptance speech, he he accused Arsène Wenger and Alex Ferguson of not being 'special' enough. He also got quite teary eyed when speaking about the lack of funds available at Chelsea and dedicated the award to all clubs striving for success with little or no money, like Chelsea. After the award show he was seen speaking to Tom Cruise, and asked about it afterwards he said he was there to recruit for Chelsea. He said that Tom was in top physical condition, had experience from acting and accustomed to receiving ridiculously large pay checks, which are the three most important attributes for modern day Chelsea players.

Fuck Jose[edit]

In 2007, despite the heavy investment, the European Glory Hunting Championship still eluded Chel$ki. Roman lost his patience, and in May 2007, upon surrendering the premiership to Manchester United, lost patience and has his thugs snatch him, drive him to Siberia and put him before a firing squad.

Following this, Roman commisioned the hiring of a Fake Jose (actually Alan Pardew in a gimp suit) to cover up the murder of real Jose. Fake Jose began his tenure with Chel$ki in August 2007, however, turned out to be proper shite (mainly due to him actually being Alan Pardew). Having lost games to the likes of Aston Villa and Team America, Roman became nervous and fired Fake Jose, before putting his new bum boy, Avram Grant in charge.

Fake Jose, dismayed at this lack of loyalty, filmed himself on his mobile wiping his bottom with a Chelsea shirt with "Abramovich ££" on the back. Following this, he took a shit on Avram Grant's head. Avram, however, didn't seem to mind this, as it surprisingly improved his appearance and smell.

Now coaching Inter, Fake Jose models coats for Matalan, advertises Samsung mobile phones, scowls, and performs fellatio on Zlatan Ibrahimovic. He is set replace the now shit Roger Federer as spokesman for Gillette's new hair trimming set, and is rumored to replace Pele as Football's new erectile-dysfunction spokesperson.

Avram Grant[edit]

Grant in 2007 on cleaning duty

Avram Grant, was signed in 2007, assuming the job role of janitor/cleaner. Following a lover's tiff between Fake Jose and Peter Kenyon which resulted in Fake Jose's sacking, Chelsea bosses were left just three minutes to swear in a new coach or be kicked out of the Premier League. Grant, who happened to be unclogging a shit Frank Lampard pumped in the toilet at the time was the only person in the near vicinity and so was appointed manager.

When news broke many people thought that the announcement was a joke, made to mock Manchester United's Alex Ferguson, who earlier stated "our cleaners could run the team better than that lazy eyed bastard" (Jose Mourinho). It wasn't until the following Sunday when Grant appeared on the pitch and could be seen directing players that people realised Chelsea bosses weren't joking. A protest was hastily organised during the first half by fans, and at half time an estimated 40,000 of the 42,000 Chelsea fans attending urinated in the direction of the pitch causing flooding and a public health risk almost forcing the second half to be 'rained off'. The newly installed muli million pound drainage system at Stamford Bridge was however able to cope with the extra demand, and the second half contiuned as normal with just a minor delay. The next day however, several players, from both Chelsea, and Manchester United who they were playing, were admitted to hospital, suffering from disentry, impotigo and nausea. Perspex sheets were later installed to ensure 'Yellow Sunday' would never happen again.

As well as the fans, several unnamed Chelsea players were quoted as saying that Grant's methods were unacceptable. Said one player "It makes me sick just to look at that toad faced bastard, let alone be coached by him." At least one member of Grant's coaching staff told friends that they will consider leaving the club if Grant was not immediatley 'disapeared'.

Fans nicknamed Grant, Avram the Toad. In a press conference Grant admitted hearing the nickname saying, 'I find it quite endearing actually'. Fans immediatley changed his nickname to 'Avram the stupid, lazy, toad faced cunt'. Grant refused to comment further saying, 'I do not read the papers. I just do what I do'.

After failiing to win the title that season he was sacked and now works as a henchman at Roman's evil Siberian lair. In a press conference shortly after being sacked he stated that 'I am a caretaker. I care..I take..I not know much about football'. This led to Grant becoming the prime suspect in an investigation into the theft of balls from the store cupboard but police later agreed that Grants self incrimination 'had more to do with his low IQ and poor grasp of English than him being the thief himself'.

Disney and the Avram Grant story[edit]

In 2008 Disney paid an estimated $40million for exclusive film rights to tell the Avram Grant story. The film, 'Taken for Granted' is due out in 2009 and will star Matt Damon as the young Avram Grant. Jessica Alba will play the love interest with Matt Damon also playing Chelsea captain John Terry.

KHAIRI accident tak bole jalan. muahaha!

For more, see Avram Grant

Jew! Jew! It's a Jew! Hold onto your wallets people.

Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari[edit]

Prior to taking up the Chel$ki job, "Little Bitch" Scolari found fame playing Baseketball for the Milwalkee Beers.

Chelsea's next Luis Felipe Scolari, better known as "Squeak" and "Little Bitch", began coaching in his local Brazilian village. By the age of 12, Scolari's managerial abilities were known all over Brazil, an in 1990, he signed on as coach of the Milwalkee Yankee Maverick Rangers Soccer Club in the United States.

Having moved to America, the Maverick Yankee Rangers collapsed shortly after he arrived, and as such, he was forced to take up a job working for a local Milwalkee gas company. It was at this time that he befriended two local bums, and rose to prominance in the American sport of Basketball. Playing for the Milwalkee Beers, "Little Bitch", as he was known, was a fan favourite, helping them win the Denslow Cup in 1999.

After this, Scolari turned his attention back to football management, taking over as Brazil manager, where he won the World Cup. Following this, he managed Portugal, and was appointed as Chelsea boss in 2008. He arrived along with his entire coaching staff, including his assistant coach, who looks like a real-life Dolmio commercial.

It has been rumored that if he fails to win silverware this season, Scolari will be sacked and replaced by Maradona's left testicle.

Your sister is going out with Squeak. And your mum. And your Uncle.


Little Bitch sacked after losing home record[edit]

Chelsea reacted swiftly after losing their home record on October 26, 2008, by sacking Squeak, after their 86-game unbeaten home run went out of the window when they were beaten 1-0 at Stamford Bridge by the Scousers.

The Blues proud home record, which stretched back to February 2004, came to a sad and pathetic end when Xabi Alonso scored with a deflected shot on 10 minutes. Coincidentally, a new record was set, with Alonso socring Stamford Bridge's first ever deflected goal that didn't involve Lampard in some capacity.

Upon losing, one fan leapt onto the playing surface to voice his disapproval of the defeat, and the rest of the crowd staged a noisy demonstration to demanding Little Bitch's balding head. The Brazilian who had only been in the job nine weeks could not believe it as his sacking was announced over the public address system.

It's not known who Squeak's replacement will be, but early front-runners appear to be Juande Ramos, Gus Poyet and Peter Kenyon.

Little Bitch re-hired, loses to Burnley[edit]

Reinstated Chelski manager Squeak Scolari, at a loss to explain his team's home defeat on penalties to Burnley that put them out of the Carling Cup, punched every player in the face as they came off the pitch on Wednesday.

The laughing Brazilian appeared at his post-match press conference with blood smears on his hands and forehead, and announced the entire squad has been sent to their rooms without any tea. He explained his disciplinarian approach, saying: "I treat them like a stepfather treats his new wife's ginger child. That is to say, not so good."

In other Scolari-related news, a fly-on-the-wall documentary about Phil Scolari has revealed that his legendary tactical nous includes instructing Kalou to "Just run fast and hope for the best you little cunt", telling Cech to "try and stop the ball for Christ's sakes" and berating Lampard for "not getting rid of the fucking ball quickly enough, you fat fuck".

Little Bitch signs Henrythenavigator, gets fired again[edit]

In a bid for more goals, Big Phil Scolari has turned to an unlikely source. After Didhedive Dogshit retired from football in order to shrug moodily for money on street corners in Paris, the Brazilian free-thinker has opted for an equine striker solution and 2,000 Guineas winner Henrythenavigator is the first horse to be employed as a footballer. "He will be difficult to mark," said Scolari. "And his manure will also be useful."

Club captain John Terry said on on the signing of Henrythenavigator, "I am surprised to be playing with a horse but the gaffer knows what he's doing, I hope he signs a giraffe as a central defender. Can I have my money please?"

In 2009, Squeak Scolari was surprisingly sacked. Later, it emerged that this was due to an arguement with John Teary, Didhedive Dogshit and Michael Ballsack about who got to suck Peter Kenyon's penis.

Fanbase[edit]

Chase Powell - Chelseas number 1 fan. (their only fan) always in the hole, practically in love with john teary and fat frank. needs to lighten up and find out that chelski is actually SHIT

Dodgy Administration[edit]

Roman Abramovich - Communist Owner[edit]

Roman Abramovich: wearing the traditional Russian ferret.

“I can buy you all”

~ Roman Abramovich on Himself

“I wouldn't mind a bit of that cash!”

“In Soviet Russia, Russian Reversal controls Roman Abramovich!”

~ Russian reversal on Roman Abramovich and his money

Chel$ki owner Roman Abramovich is the richest man in the universe. He is so rich, his stare so intimidating, that looking in to his eyes will result in convulsions.

Most people from the Russia today are honest, hard working and loyal people. This is where Abramovich stands out from the rest. This self made multi-squillionaire has made a name for himself by stepping in where the crumbling USSR left off.

An orphan by the age of four years and 23 days, (his parents were "released" on a free transfer, not having perfomed to an acceptable standard) he was raised by a Jewish family in the harsh environs of the Arctic Circle. Realising that world domination from the Arctic Circle had its difficulties, he left home at the age of 4 years and 25 days and set for Moscow.

Being a natural recluse (mainly due to his lethal and killer B.O.), he began his business career selling plastic pigs from a Hungarian prostitute's Moscow apartment. From this, he successfully branched out to geese, dogs, cows, chickens and finally his signature toy, the duck. Soon every Moscowvite had a plastic duck, though few knew why. Within a few years, Abramovich's vast wealth spread from animal toys to pig farms and then naturally to oil conglomerates. In doing so he secured his place within Yeltsin's inner circle by offering him the complete collection of animal farm figurines, with the limited edition Texas Farm House.

When Putin came to power, Abramovich entered politics himself, becoming the governor of a remote, but resource-rich Siberian ranch. After winning the election by 92% of the vote (the 8% rebel scum who voted to the contrary were caught and killed), he built a secret evil volcano lair (complete with Sharks with laser beams attached to their freakin' heads). He then pumped millions of pounds (and waste refuse) into the area, building houses and sending thousands of schoolchildren on holiday to the Gulag.

Roman buys Chelsea FC[edit]

Having successfully advocated and implemented his PRAM program (Pillage, Rape and Murder (for oil)), he soon realised that Siberia - and in fact Russia - was too small an area for his talents. He need to expand his empire.

On advise from clueless western advisers (usually CIA operatives) he realised that his "Push the PRAM" campaign may have adverse PR issues in other civilised countries. Wanting to be seen as a nice dictator and world conquerer, he felt the need to raise his profile. It was decided that the best way to do this was to invest in one of the most hated football clubs in the world.

A flurry of transfer activity followed, and it wasn't long until silverware came for Chelsea, the rich pompous cunts. In 2005, in celebration of Chel$ki's first premiership win in fifty years, Roman Abramovich recorded his first and only single entitled, "I'm Too Rich For Your Mom". The song was an instant success reaching #1 within two hours and eventually sold over 7 billion copies. In reality, 6.9 billion were bought by Abramovich himself and are currently stored somewhere inside his evil volcano lair in Siberia. Abramovich has been called a "One-hit wonder" but insists that he is just taking a break from the pressure of the music industry.

Recently, Chelsea fans have begun chanting "He's Russian, he's rich, he's Roman A-fucking-bramovich" at games and whilst masturbating.

Honestly tell us that you wouldn't punch the cunt straight in his fucking smug face...

The Great Peter Kenyon - CuntChief Executive[edit]

“Peter Kenyon? What a cunt.”

~ Manchester United fan on Peter Kenyon

“Maybe, but he's our cunt.”

~ Chelsea fan's reply to Manchester United fan

“Not if we have our way!”

~ Manchester City fan's reply to Chelsea fan

“In Soviet Russia, Peter Kenyon fires Roman Abramovich!”

~ Russian Reversal on Peter Kenyon

Originally from Manchester, this dastardly fucktard and oiled up slaphead has made quite an impression since moving to Chel$ki. Having left Manchester United to embark under the Russian hitman's orders, just for the fucking cash, he bitched about their finances, Scottish red nose Fergie whilst he got anally investigated by Jose Mourinho. Bald as a coot, he has a track record of failing to "seal the deal", but his appointment is already paying dividends.

Kenyon was the mastermind behind Chel$ki's new away kit, which is selling in record numbers. Kenyan had this to say: "201 have been sold so far, which, for a neon yellow nylon t-shirt with the name of a Japanese mobile phone company emblazoned on the front, is not too shabby." The shirt has become the latest must-have accessory on the terraces of Stamford Bridge. Their latest sponcers are ipood

Self-confessed cunt. Who was willing to take the glory for Chelski's massive loss in the Champions League Final. A more dignified Sir Bobby Charlton rejected the chance to accept the medal, whilst baldy fudgepacker embraced a bit of plastic gold around his neck.

Did we mention he's a cunt?

Rivalries[edit]

Chel$ki's unrivalled status, wealth and glory has seen them acquire envious rivals from around the world. As such, teams from Timbuktoo to Antarctica like to think they are genuine rivals. These include (in order of their enviousness): Scouserpool(otherwise known as Liverfool), Manchester United, Tottenham, Arsenal, and Al-Mounqhe$ta $hitty. They've even taken to acquiring slightly less wealthy owners of their own. However, such is Chel$ki's glory and greatness, none of these teams even register on the radar.

Contrary to the popular opinion that a club's rivals should be based nearby (which would make Fulham and QPR Chelsea's rivals), Chelsea have decided that their foes need to be just as rich and up their own arses as themselves, and have therefore started an extremely heated battle of glory hunting with the fans of Manchester United, leading to fierce debate in third world African countries and across Asia as to who is the most bestest at 'sawker'.

Chel$ki's 'support'[edit]

Get it now at the Chel$ki Megastore

Chelsea's supporters mostly consist of mindless glory hunter chavs with no common sense. The supporters of Chelsea FC are imaginary - but the opaque appearance of the crowd that shout at the dopey players behind the goals are of computerised technology (That have been brought - like the premiership). But those idiots who claim to support Chelsea are oblivious to the bribes being handed over by the club. Most Chelsea fans began to support Chelsea in 2003, the same year that that rich Russian prick took over. They usually no fuck all about football yet live in the false 'glory' that buying trophies offers. Luckily, they have not been abandoned by the video game market, and this year, EA released FIFA 09: Glory Hunter Edition, designed specifically for Chel$ki supporters.

Chel$ki play their home games at Stamford Bridge, where they barely fill half their 40,000 seater 1970's shit hole.

Support under Mourinho[edit]

It was rumored that, during Mourinho's reign, Chel$ki fans were in fact parrots, considering their uncanny ability to echo absolutely everything that Jose Mourinho says. Example:

Mourinho: "It did not cross the line. Cheat Cheat Cheat. As we say in Portugal, they CHEAT!"
Chel$ki fan in a debate: "It did not cross the line. Cheat Cheat Cheat. As they say in Portugal, they CHEAT!"

Mourinho: I AM THE SPECIAL ONE!
Chel$ki fan in debate: HE IS THE SPECIAL ONE!

An experiment was carried out to see if any Chel$ki fans actually had any independent thought. A fan was asked his opinion about a clear penalty given against John Terry during a 4-0 loss to Sheffield Wednesday, without having previously heard Mourinho's opinion. Here is a transcript of the discussion:

Interviewer: So, what did you think of that foul by Terry? It looked a stonewall penalty, broken leg as well...
Chel$ki Fan: Yes, I have to agree with you, my good chum. It was a frightfully misadvised challenge by Mr. Terry, I must concede.
Interviewer: Interesting. *Notes down* Now, I'll play a video of Jose Mourinho's interview after the match. *puts on tape*
Mourinho: THEY CHEAT! dive dive dive! Terry got the ball, the player broke his own leg. I am the Special One.
Interviewer: Okay, so what did you think of the second goal?
Chel$ki Fan: Who cares? THEY CHEAT! dive dive dive! Terry got the ball, the Wednesday guy broke his own leg. Jose is the special one. *Refuses to shake interviewer's hand, walks off*
Interviewer: Quite.

Team of Coles[edit]

Chel$ki are currently attempting to create a team full of Coles. Currently they employ Cashley Cole and Joe 'I shall not pass!' Cole. Carlton Cole is bound to make a return to Chel$ki soon, to accommodate this plan, as well as shithouse Sydney FC player Shannon Cole.

Chelski are also looking into the potential signing of Old King Cole who will play centre forward and will be fully decked out in his beard and crown. There are rumours that the ex-United player Andy Cole will sign a contract with Chel$ki in exchange for a barrel of gold. They also attempted to sign legendary songwriter Cole Porter, but retracted their bid when they discovered he'd been dead for a good thirty years.

Nat King Cole is in the works, and there are also rumours that they will sign Chris Coleman as their first team coach sooner rather than later. Cheryl Cole is also set to making an appearance at right back... into Ashley Cole's bed.

Records[edit]

1st in Pie-Munching contest 2006, 2007 (Frank Fatty Lampard), 2nd in Pie-Munching Contest 2008 (Fat Frank - finished behind Wayne Rooney) Diving dog retaining champion 2006-2008 (Didier Dogshit), Actor of the Year 2006 (Arjen Robben), Shit Hair Lifetime Achievement Award (Retardo Carvalho, Didhedive Dogshit, John Terry, Arjen Robben)

See Also[edit]

FIFA 09: Glory Hunter Edition
UnNews:John Terry pulls out of rest of 2008/09 season, citing hectic sponsorship schedule
UnNews:John Terry out for up to 12 months with twisted sock
UnNews:Chelsea to receive moral victory parade after UCL Final


The FA Premier League
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Glory Hunters
Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. | Manchester Red Sox Ltd.

Slightly shittier teams that finish 3rd and 4th
Mickey Mousers Soccer Franchise Ltd. | Arse-anal

The Rest
Aston Villa | Tottenham Jooscum F.C. | Madchester Oasis F.C. |
Wet Spam G.S.E. | Harrods Cottagers F.C. | Greys Athletic | Long Ball-ton Wanderers | Neverton | Sunderland AFC | Pompeii

FA Premier League.png