Chennai

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MADras, as it will be henceforth known in this article, is one of the cleanest cities in India.


Chennai, formerly known as "MAD"Ras, short for Madaraasapattinam, is the 4th "largest" and the 4th "best" city in the glorious nation of India. It is full of men carrying sickles and sticks ( the politicians and the police respectively ). It is a lively city of loud snobs with an extremely vibrant mouth and rocking nightlife at the idli shop. Infact, people party here all the way till 21:23 hrs, after which the police barges in and starts occupying all the nightclubs. THEY then start dancing, after chasing everyone else out.

History of Chennai[edit]

Washed-up on the Shore[edit]

Madras as it was called was named after the “MAD Rascal” local king. During some time on 15th century some sea-sick gunny sack merchants from England got washed-up on an obscure coast in Tamil Country on a badly navigated boat. After crashing on the shore, a curious local ‘Dada” called Nayak wanted to do some business with these Brits. The London merchants made a mouth watering offer to the local Nayak, agreeing to buy all his unwanted stuff for high price to sell it to gullible London people at the much higher pice in exchange for a Piss Godown. The Nayak to seek permission from his sleepy overlord, took them to the Leave-Me-Alone Vijayanagara king living somewhere near Chandragiri -Vellore, who absent-mindedly nodded. Thus came “MADras”.

Mullah and Madras[edit]

Meanwhile a Mullah ousted the uninterested Hindu king (who later retired to Mysore) and got hold of the place. The frightened Brits offered to finance everything the Mullah wanted including the matches for his hookah, turban, haram maintenance etc. who styled himself as Prince of Arcot.

Putting off the Pissed of Governors[edit]

The British merchants built a horse stable (now called Fort ST.George) and started meddling with the local affairs when they had no work. Also the Arcot Mullah, now called as Nawab had difficulty in collecting the taxes for his pocket expenses from other pissed-off Nayaks in Tamil Nadu, who acted as if there was no Nawab. Now the Nawab’s credit card account got alarmingly high, that he outsourced everything (except retaining his turban , Harem and Hookah) to the Brits. The Brits now swung into action, backed by some cunning locals and taking advantage of the Nayak infighting (major timepass) and captured the whole South India leaving few princely states.

Great Drainage Plan[edit]

Immediately after securing the South India, the Brits out of stupidity, wanted to build a capital city out of the Coovam river. Thus to please the Queen, they constructed a huge drainage called Buckhingam Canal and then link it perpendicular with Coovam, both of these water source will be generated out of Human liquid discharge and further enriched by the Dhobis.

Expansion[edit]

The Brits started laying various Rodent infested Chetty streets and kept all the other workers around North Madras. But the two huge water bodies filled with human stench, resulted in mass Cholera and Diahorria breakouts. Fresh batches of Brits were imported from London streets and most of them ended in graves that dot around old Madras. Brits now sensing that they need to get the hell out of the mess they had created moved out from the North Madras area into southward.

Demographics[edit]

Chennai is a friendly place (if you do not argue with locals who are ready to argue), well cultured (if you have a large tolerance limits) and for people who can endure the “highly Intelligent” Tam-Brams. The city has a huge population always on the roads (doing shopping, eating, walking, riding, driving, talking) and the only place on earth where you can rub shoulders with the super intelligent people, drunkards, movie star posters, political banners, cyclists, MSTC buses, Autos and if in Mylaope and Triplicane you can rub your shoulders with the cows. Also you rub your shoulders in Central and Egmore stations with the porters (lucky some times, with their luggage as well). Chennai is dotted everywhere with idlis.

Other People in Chennai[edit]

Chennai has lot of outside state people, especially Telugus (a.k.a Gulti’s) who were one part of Chennai (when Tamils were outsiders) who are here and there everywhere all the time but not immediately noticeable. Then there are some accidentally landed North Indians who run some small shops in Sow-Car-Pet,. There are Kannadigas as well, who work in numerous IT companies always lamenting about how great their Benghal-a-huru town and do no work. Lazy Mallus,the worlds second most intelligent people (after Mallus in Gulf conutries) make up 87% (as per their estimates) of the Chennai population (come in various death defying Kallada buses or Kochi mails) who control the road side tea (Rs6/glass) and salt biscuit (50p, Re1, Rs2 varieties) industry here. The UP, Bihar and North East mafias are employed in numerous eateries as dishwashers, vegetable cutters, Juice mixer opetators and table cleaners.

Chennai Youth[edit]

The Chennai youth comprises of six major communities. Rajnikanth fans, Ajith fans, Vijay fans, Surya fans, Vijaykanth fans and Kamal Hassan fans. Rajnikanth fans make up 87.632549% of the populace, while Kamal fans make the rest of the population. Most Ajith fans are Rajinikanth fans and some Vijay fans are also Vijaykanth fans. However, no Vijay fan is an Ajith fan, or vice versa. Vijaykanth fans are the easily countable ones (now he got no fans cuz he joined the politics). There has been a steady increase of Surya fans, as they consider him to be better than Vijay as Vijay is busy in Kerala and copying Telugu films. Among the middle age housewives, they are all fans of various tele serials as well.

Chennai IT Culture[edit]

Chennai is another destination of outsourced jobs from the US, UK and rest of the world. The poor numbskull IT employee of Chennai is smart in replacing a reasonably well paid job in western countries into a poorly paid shit job, by agreeing to work their butts to please their boss, so that he will one day be sent to some on-site job abroad where he can save money by starving and living miserable, which helps increase social status among his friends and relative thus enabling him to secure a nice bride or groom. All the outsourced jobs are located in one by-lane called the Old Mahabalipuram Road (OMR). The current government is not very keen on improving the lane because they have found better use of distributing the money during elections to the poor

Culture[edit]

The people of Chennai are very cultured (compared to Vandalur Zoo), highly intelligent (compared to apes in Vandalur Zoo, hard working (when not working) and very friendly (with their friends). Some people of Chennai have great interest in the time-honoured snore-fest called Carnatic music (a form of music so strange that it is named after a neighboring state). The Carnatic musicians here are known to give everyone permanent ear damage by mouthing at least one unintelligible Telugu phrase 200 million times in each song.

Apart from Carnatic Music, Chennai is also home to one of the largest and longest rock, pop, metal and rap music fan conglomerations in the world, during the December Music Season. During this event, various artists like Heatplay, Autoride, No Doors Up, Back Sandhu Boys perform to a packed audience at either the Iyyapanthangal Corporation Playground, or the St.Thomas Mount Theatre. Chennai is frequented by all these artists, unlike the unlucky cities in India like Mumbai, Delhi or Bangalore. Most people, including ardent music fan and nonagenarian Karunanidhi comment that at-least the a-fore mentioned cities are small; unlike the huge megalopolis Guwhati and Chennai.

Chennai also features an entire film industry that thrives on just 3 movie screens in Sunshine State Tamil Nadu itself. On an average, 10 films are released of which 7 are mass made, 2 are high quality and 1 sinks without a trace. Five of them are Vijay movies, two Ajith's, One Rajinikanth's and the rest are wannabe's. All these end up being trashed by the National Board, but veteran actor Simbhu has sued the National Awards Board of showing partialism to Telugu movies.

“You think you guys are the only a**holes who can copy?”

~ Gautham Vasudev Menon on Bollywood

Education[edit]

MADras is considered the seat of education in Southern India, and is also the most highest paying investment, not to mention the high influx of politicians into the educational field. (SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!)On the Cormandel Coast and The Extreme North-Eastern Part of The Glorius Indian sunshine state of Tamil Nadu there are many great technical institutes, the foremost being IIT MADRAS(the best so far in chennai)no other mot***f****r college can ever stand in its place). The minimum requirement for a college to have affliation with this university is a college bus. Each of these institutes churn out an average of fifteen thousand engineers, all stereotyped after 4 years of hard molding having the same haircut (requirements of many colleges) and even the same face cut, with an absolute sense of direction and love for ANY work given to them (you can see mechanical enginners in HCL). Chennai college students have an all out COLDWAR of the sexes. Each sex showing absolute contempt for the other. Speaking among the sexes, according to the students is the highest dishonor to the nation which works so hard for the students. These one of a kind engineers then defect to the United States or Bangalore. Of these, 94.53% will be Golti's. Many join law colleges in the city, who are then promptly arrested by the Chennai police. The rest join Pachaiyappa's College, where Chennai's famous sons are molded. Every street in every locality in the city has 2 schools. This shows how much importance Chennai places on education.

Sport[edit]

Chennai is a local marble-shooting powerhouse. The players, like Oman 'Potopov' Thuraisingam and Senthil 'The Machan' Durai are national players and have won gold medals for their respective clubs in Australia and The Marshall Islands during the Club world cups. The people of Chennai are also good at book-cricket, saa-boo-three, gilli, kite-flying, and some also end up playing trivial games like cricket, basketball and hockey. Football, the worlds most hated game - is also hated here. (But the Chennai Kickassers are at the top of the table currently)

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Chennai.

Trivia[edit]

One interesting fact MADras has in common with other Indian cities is that it exudes a delicate and most disarming 'aroma', whichever part of the city one goes to. The scent is so appealing that you wont be able to enjoy it for more than a fraction of a second .Imbibing of the aroma for more than a moment leading to automatic wrinkling of the nose(or overpowering nausea ensured). This mysterious aroma has been often attributed to the delightful mixture of cigarette smoke, urine, cow shit and a touch of sweat. The posh localities include Kasimedu, Tambaram, Pudupet and Vyasarpadi. Rental there has shot up to such an extent that people in these localities have started moving to slums like Besant Nagar, Alwarpet, Anna Nagar, Shanti Colony. Kasimedu is a beehive of activity. Every major national and international brand has an outlet there. Lamborghini is planning to set up its first showroom in India in Kasimedu.

Tourism[edit]

Tourism[edit]

There is lot of places that would be of interest to all tourists.

Marina Beach[edit]

World’s second largest Beach (do not know where is the first longest), it starts from the mouth of Coovam and ends somewhere south near some Cheri-mansions. Usually filled with lot of people in the morning who wish to burn their Idli Sāmbhar calories and during evenings with tourist who throng here to escape from the ‘mud and urine’ smelling city streets.

Beseant Nagar Beach[edit]

A favorite spot for traffic jams and healthy junk food eateries, the tiny beach usually visited by the younger crowd who have nothing else to do on weekdays, and once they realize there is nothing to do here , leave in their bikes and cars to their homes.

Adayar Theosophical Society[edit]

A Victorian era ghost town, used to grow the largest banyan tree in the world. Today one can visit the place to see the location of that one famous tree which fell down in 1994 storm. Also the members of the society excel in reading something on religion.

Spencers Plaza[edit]

The once great colonial monument that was built for the British citizens to buy their daily Liquor, Bun, Bead and dead animals for food. It was recently replaced by a large toilet smelling building filled with bazaar shops.

Vandalur Zoo[edit]

Situated in a place you reach after lot of traffic, it has a large collection of helpless animals viewed with curiosity by human beings.

Parrys Corner[edit]

The Parrys corner is situated in the North Chennai is a corner of a sugar factory office. The tourists can spend their time here looking at various vehicles that goes around the round-tana circle. It is famous for being famous and not to be confused with Paris.

Broadway[edit]

Unlike the New York Broadway, the broadway in Chennai hosts several worn out old busses driving in an dout of Broadway Bus Terminus. The ambience here is of severely unvpaved walkways with the aroma of dust, urine, bonda, vada aroma in the air.Once can watch several city buses coming in and going out.

T.Nagar[edit]

This place is a shopping paradise for shop keepers, where they sell various tiny utensils, cloths and jewelry in giant sized shops to gullible shoppers who hope to get a glimpse of the stars who promoted those products in the local television channels.

TASMAC[edit]

The Winery district of Chennai, only difference is that these liquor malls are situated one for every bus-stand (over 1234 in Chennai). One can haggle and waggle and rub your shoulders with the fellow drunkards to buy whatever the shopkeeper throws at you after grabbing money from your palms. A visit to TASMAC mall is highly recommended as a purchase there will get you stoned and high even before you open your prized possession.

Places in rest of Chennai[edit]

Apart from the above places, rest of Chennai all look the same, no matter where you go. You will find the same Drainage, Giant City Bus, Rodent like Bikers, Loud horn blowing cars, Window Shoppers, Cows, Parked trucks, Shops, Speed Breakers and few miscellaneous things all sharing and operating on the same 4feet3inch wide roads.

Transportation[edit]

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One more thing is that the public transport system is genuinely well designed. There are various mode of transport available in chennai to get around or get out of chennai.

Buses[edit]

There are plenty of buses in Chennai slowly crawling from one bus stop to another. In 1980’s Chennai was the first in the world to introduce “Quick Access” buses, where the passengers hang from the bus and can jump down anytime. Most buses look like they are on the way to the junkyard to be scrapped, but the conductor is very friendly and happy to take-in at least 678 passengers.

Auto Rickshaw[edit]

Chennai was the world’s first and only city to introduce meter-less Auto rickshaws. The charges are roughly Rs20 per Centimeter. But one can bargain by and get reduced to Rs19.76P per Centimeter, after getting abused and called by names (by the Auto driver). The auto-drivers are embodiments of saints in Chennai. They do everything for the people and nothing for themselves. They are painted in Shit Yellow color and can be spotted everywhere in the city haggling with the highly intelligent Chennai commuter.

Suburban Trains[edit]

Chennai also has Suburban Trains, which is known for the Chappal-Dust fragrance. They run from one station to another carrying lot of people and ejecting them at regular intervals at every station. There is also “Flying Train” which runs over the Buckingham Canal (The lily fragrance drainage named after Queen’s Palace). This train runs empty to various abandoned stations built 'just-like-that' across the coastline.

MRTS[edit]

The MRTS which is targeted to be completed by 2043, is under construction. The sole aim was to help generate political party funds and to narrow the already existing narrow roads and the increase the traffic jams on road. Also the MRTS has mooted plans to carry passengers if at all it gets completed.

Ferry[edit]

The Adayar boat club operates ferry service for its members, who have lost the sense of “Smell”, on the dark grey waters of Adayar River. The Chennai corporation is mooting plans to have a similar service for human beings on Coovam river which currently transports only Shit, garbage and dead animals.

Shipping[edit]

Chennai Harbor operated shipping cargo services ideal for Chennai citizens who are willing to go to Andaman Islands. Also it is used by the local Auto Industry to get rid of its tin-top cars to 4th world countries.

Air[edit]

Apart from the Flying train experience on the beach area, there is an emergency landing strip with a sprawling Toilet in Meenampakkam.

Economy of Chennai[edit]

Chennai is the worlds largest producer of Coovam Stentch, open space garbage, Tam-Brams, HINDU newspaper and other obnoxious intellectuals.

Companies based in Chennai[edit]

Ashok Leyland[edit]

Manufacturer of "Population reduction technologies", whose producrts are designed to kill.Their current product line consists of smoke spewing buses and abandoned highway Lorries. Many of them are designed to kill maximum number of people on road. “Unsafe even when Parked” – Ralph Nader on Ashok Leyland Vehicles.

Simpsons Group[edit]

A fully functioning museum of colonial era company, they make 1896 Diesel engines. They also sell old books at their Higginbotham’s shop.

Cognizant Technologies[edit]

Also known as “Cock My Throat”, it is the fastest growing Computer Sweatshop enterprise.

Several OMR- IT Companies[edit]

There are several IT companies in the “Obnoxious Mahabalipuram Road” that excel s as hi-tech call centers catering at a cheap cost to several MNC’s around the world. The employees can be seen standing for their company buses wearing their plastic tags around their necks. Several hapless college graduates join these companies to sweat and work hard for their fat cat bosses so that their bosses can buy large penthouse and travel around the world looking for gullible business partners.

Apollo Hospitals[edit]

India’s first successful ‘human body service center’, also the most profitable company that engages in repairing human beings suffering from various ailments. This model quickly replaced the concept of Doctors and Hospitals.

Education in Chennai[edit]

Chennai is dotted with numerous Schools and Colleges that offer quality education at affordable prices , only if you can manage to afford.

IIT, Chennai[edit]

‘Intelligent Idiots Technology’ is situated in a badly maintained and abandoned reserve forest in Adayar. Built to accommodate the left over German technical education practices , most pass-outs (after not getting passed-out of mental exhaustion), go abroad to work in Wall-Mart or end up with their supposedly lesser intelligent colleagues in some Indian companies.

Madras University[edit]

Built by William Dick Wit in 19th century to train the East India Clerks, this intuition has produced numerous intellectuals whose contributions made no difference to India.

Madras Law College[edit]

A premier law institute for ‘Thengai Moodi Vakkils’ (Coconut Piece Lawyers), the law graduates excel in getting ‘Court Order Stay’ for almost everything possible, and to drag a case to never ending eternity.

Queen Mary’s College[edit]

Not started by Queen, but by some British India bureaucrat to impress the British Queen. Originally it was a residence of Lt Col Francis Cappal in the mid 1800s, the building later housed a hotel before becoming a college in 1914, while it still functions like a hotel with most students spending their time at the college cafeteria.

Stella Mary’s College[edit]

Started by Queen Mary’s housekeeper Stella, this is another college for grils who want to spend some more time to loiter aroung the college.

Madras Christian College[edit]

A very very liberal arts and sciences vintage of 1887 college is one of Asia's oldest extant colleges. But other that being the oldest there is nothing to speak of. Lot of notable Alumni has spent their time around here later occupying the high offices in the “Corrupt Government of India”.

SRM University[edit]

A University that mainly operates political party, television channel ,hotels and Volvo buses. They have several quality colleges offering several quality courses for people not from Chennai and Tamil Nadu.

MGR and Ramachandra Colleges[edit]

Around the city there are several MGR and Ramachandra colleges. After crossing Porur bridege there is a Dr. MGR medical college, but just before the Porur college , on the Guindy bridge there is a Ramachandra Medical college. After getting onto the Chennai Bye Pass from Porur, there are several MGR colleges and Hostels and once you exit again at Poonamalee road these are few MGR engineering colleges. In case for tooth repair there is an MGR dental college as well. Also oh, what…aaagh there is one more Ramachandra or MGR university that I missed somewhere? Anyway there are lot of these MGR and Ramachandra colleges. Sometimes there is a “Jay-Pee-Yaar “college as well.

More Colleges[edit]

These are some more colleges built all around the outskirts of Chennai.

Schools[edit]

There are lot of schools for lots an dlots of Chennai people.

Tam-Bram Board[edit]

Tambram Board of Schools that offers thick rim glasse eye defect, filter coffee, Carnatic music, chess classes, etc,. These students, after completing the schooling join several IT and MNC companies and ‘’World’s most intelligent people’’ after convincing an declaring themselves that they are the “world’s most intelligent people’’ without bothering what others think of them.

Christian Converts[edit]

These old relics are run by Fathers and Mothers (helped by Brothers and Sisters) , still offering Convent education for several USA hopefuls, so that they can honetheir language skills to sweep and work in various MacDonalds and Wall-Marts in USA.

Corporation Schools[edit]

Run by municipality to educate the potential school drop-outs and to park various municipal garbage trucks.

International School[edit]

International School offers international education for kids, whose parents can boast that their kids are in international school.

Other School[edit]

Rest of those schools started by rich and thug husbands’ post graduate house wives. They also offer all kinds of quality education.

Media and Entertainment[edit]

Neighbor Gossip[edit]

Parents according to their age group keep boasting about their kids schooling, college education and marks thereby pissing the other by trying to make their kids look smarter. Slightly older people gossip all the time about their IT employed sons and daughters and their trips abroad by pissing even more. The older ones will bore everyone by telling how smart their grandkids are, triggering the other older person to remove his hearing aid.

Office Gossip[edit]

In Office cafeteria, numerous employees keep up with the latest updates of real estate prices and occasionally lament on “how stupid Boss is”. Also sometimes they discuss on ‘’polishing their resumes for new job” and discuss latest job opening in similar oppressive and badly run IT companies.

Television Channels[edit]

There are some 1345 channels covering various advertisements of various products. These advertisements are also dubbed onto various languages fool the remaining non –English population as well. In-between these channels cover various specialized programs like 24 Hrs Flash News channels , Tamil Channels on Tamil Movies, other language channels doing the same and English channels covering various stupid Travel shows, Big Farting Brother programs and Puke-a-cook programs. DD Chennai is a channel that accidently inserts in-between the other popular channels. All political parties run a Tamil Channel, while their local goons operate the local channels, whose sidekicks operate the local cable network. SUN TV network is a mojoer operator, offering several channels all covering more or less the same stuff at randomly telecasting in various channels at different times. Others are DMK TV, AIADMK TV, DDMK TV, PMK TV and so on.

Programs[edit]

Tamil Channels cover either Political news for entertainment or the staple movie based programs. Most of the time the Tamil comedy featuring various kicks, slaps and loud arguments are played, followed by “Everyone want to Sing a Song” programs. Then comes the movies promotion programs which features various actress praising with statements on “how down to earth he is” on directors and actors, while the directors inviting everyone to watch his “Hollywood like revolutionary movie”. On festival days SUN TV features “First Time in The World Flop Tamil Movies on TV” keeping the Tamil viewers left with absolutely nothing to do on a festival holiday.

TV Serials[edit]

All televisions offer various tele-serials featuring ‘do nothing drunkard male characters’ creating havoc in a family or a Sister-Brother pissing everyone else in the family, all to be saved ans set right by the dutiful, humble and homely housewife. These tele-serials are played in between numerous Pappad, Cooking Oil and Washing Powder commercials.

Newspapers[edit]

Tamil Dailies[edit]

There are various Tamil dailies whose editors faithfully support their political bosses and crib about other political parties, followed by several editorials on “too much garbage on streets”, “Road on Potholes” etc. But most other pages feature in-depth articles on Kollywood industry interrupted by full page advertisements on latest 90% discount offers in T.Nagar shops.

English Dailies[edit]

=The Hindu[edit]

“The Hindu”, called as the “old boring lady on the mount road” is part of Chennai Intellectual culture. It is often had along with the breakfast (eaten after dipping with coffee). It covers several obscure old reminisces of Mylapore intellectuals on how they played cricket, chess, drank filter coffee, sang or heard Carnatic music.

The New Indian Express[edit]

“The New Indian Express” ,often known as the “ old rouge of Royapettah”, currently existing as a government tender and contract newsletter .

Times of India (Chennai Edition)[edit]

“The Times of India”, known for the “Miserable mid-life crises aunty of Boribunder” publishes some news and a colorful supplement on daily coverage of “Sameera Reddy’. The main feature is about Youth and Sex, Condoms and Culture, and various Bollywood and Kollywood –Tollywood news. It acts as a information nerve center for and between various kollywood producers, directors and actors. Also extensive coverage is done on Page 3 parties attended by various attention seeking dim-wit douche bags of Chennai.

Deccan Chronicle[edit]

Picks up whatever is left out by TOI. It is Hollywood mouthpiece.

Local Magazines[edit]

There are numerous junk celebrity magazines like “South Scope”, “Galata” featuring blow-ups of washed uo actress hoping to show little –more-skin and get another fling in the movie industry.