Chester
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“Great, smashing, super!”
~ Jim Bowen on his days at Chester Uni
“Are you sure this slide is safe? ”
~ Bobby Bobbington on his last words before going down the slide at Chester's Northgate arena
“I haven't seen anything suck this much since I Heart Huckabees ”
~ Stewie Griffin on Chesters christmas lights display.
“I haven't sucked this much since i went to Brighton ”
~ Nick Chadwick Chesters Star Striker / chambermaid at Travelodge.
Chester variants include Chester laa (the Scouse residents call it this) is situated slap bang between Liverpool, Manchester and Hollyoaks. It is proudly and firmly in England, apart from the football club, which is situated in Wales.
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[edit] History
Chester was invented by the Romans It initially consisted of nine houses, three pubs and a male brothel, but there are now many more pubs. In 1360 the river Dee dried up to reveal a fully-working racecourse to which have now been added a couple of marquees. Chester's oldest and smallest resident, Bernard Clark, claims to recall a time when the city walls were 7,000 feet high and made of gold, but this claim is of course ridiculous, the government knows for a fact that the walls were 20,000 feet high and made of platinum and that the UN should pay for them.
[edit] Population
Chester has 4000 residents exactly. Visitors are allowed in and out, but to live there you need a pass signed by the Queen, Sir James Potticary of Upton, And/or Giles Brandreth, and residents work on a strict one-in/one-out basis. Births must therefore be carefully planned to coincide with the impending demise of very old relatives.
Many of these citizens are "scalls," this word was coined to describe people long before "chav". Scalls are similar to chavs but have less money and prefer nike to burberry. See Goldie Lookin' Chain. These scalls have their own dialect, at first sounding like a poor impression of a scouse accent, it soon becomes apparent that they use their own made up words such as mate-o (used to refer to another scall).
Also most of the members of Chester are the emo and scene kids. They love affection and dont want to harm anyone. There might be a few who would cause damage, but they rarely get the chance. They are often seen wearing skinny jeans, hoodies and brightly coloured clothes. These citizens bring alot to Chester, and are the only hint of colour in this god awfull town.
[edit] Sightseeing
The University is un-questionably 2nd worst in the country infront of edge hill, it A great proportion of students go on to work for Alan Sugar as he is keen to recruit shit spellers.
The cathedral is the biggest attraction and is supposedly haunted by the ghost of Magnus Magnusson. It recently underwent a £1million renovation and now boasts underfloor heating, a detachable roof and seven guest beers.
If you visit the Grosvenor park you can see the many chester emo filth, drinking large bottles of cheap cider and thinking they are really cool, some individuals include 'dropkick' joe, and other twats, the emos very rarely have trouble from the solid chavs nowadays though, apart from in the ruins where scum can be seen smoking a joint, also you can often see Lakes skating through the grosvenor park from time to time.
Eating and drinking is very popular in Chester as food and drink is charged at 1950's prices. All restaurants are specialise in cuisine from former countries such as Persia and Caramac. The busiest pub is the Cross Foxes, mainly because it is run by Dave, a mutated ogre who prevents customers from ever leaving unless they answer him these riddles three.
For some reason people come from miles around to shop in Chester. They clearly haven't realised that Tesco and Sainsbury's are also present in almost every large town in the country. The famous Rows are, it has to be said, interesting architectural features, being made of timber-framed Cheshire cheese, which adds a pungent aroma to the shopping experience.
If you are lucky enough, and visit chester during the school holidays, or a saturday, you will see several hundred alternative and different kids hanging around the abandoned Odeon cinema. These kids adore human contact and brightly coloured anythings and will hug on sight. Sure enough these beings will move from the odeon to one of the underground car parks, or to Chesters Grosvenor park, which is inhabited almost entirely by scalls.
Chester at night is another great experience. RB's nightclub is a must, simply because there isn't anywhere else to go, except Brannigans, "where people make the party," which proves it will be rubbish, if you've seen the kind of people in the queue. If you can get out of Brannigans without losing your shoes, socks and skin from your feet due the high stickyness of the dancefloor, you deserve a medal. At RB's it is almost always 80s night, to satisfy the city's ageing population, for whom two-decade-old culture is as modern as they can get without suffering hernias.
The University of Chester surprisingly enough is located in Chester. Contrary to rumours Chester does not "let anyone with half a GCSE in". Chester prides itself on accepting those with DD at A-Level and DD cup size.
Other false accusations:
- Hollyoaks Community College is not based on the University of Chester. Of Course it is
- Lecturers are senile old people who when asked about an assignmnet topic look at you like you have broke into their house and parked a turd on their living room floor
- The Campus is too small
- The library computers to student ratio does not meet its standards
- The lecturers were refused jobs at Essex Poly so duly accepted positions at Chester univarsity.
[edit] Eastgate Clock
The Eastgate clock was erected lol to celebreate the 60th anniversary of Gyles Brandreth's first appearance on Countdown. It is the second most photographed clock in the world after the Tweeny clock. A gift to the City from Lord Grosvenor, who lives in the house next door, it was originally supported on the back of two camels. This proved too much of a distraction for the Japanese tourists who couldn't decide whether to photograph the clock or the camels first. The city council therefore arranged for the Eastgate to be built underneath it last week by some kids from the Lache on work experience.
[edit] Sport (yeah, seriously, they call it Sport!)
Chester's basketball team, the Jets, proudly boast the tallest players in the English league.
The university holds a pointless contest call varsity. This is between the two campuses based in Chester and Warrington. Warrington currently hold the varisty crown by winning at sports such as log tossing, duck racing and handbag steeling
Chester's football team is "not the best". Chester's bitterest rivals are Wrexham, who are now relegated to the Blue Square Premier are in a class of there own they are abysmal with the worst fans in the world whose average attendance could easily fit on a double decker bus. Chester followed Wrexham a year later with relegation to the Blue Square Premier League and are bollocksed starting with -25 points
The Wrexham/Chester game is regarded as the local derby by both sides, and there have been 104 meetings since 1934, of which Wrexham have won 90, 10 have been drawn and Chester have won four, each of the four as a result of poor penalty decisions.
Chester fans are jealous of Wrexham beating Arsenal in the FA Cup in January 1992. Chester will never reach those heights and accordingly, most Chester fans exist in a near-suicidal state.
[edit] True Facts
- Chester is not to be confused with manchester, where a man lives there, however chester is full of woman, and the occasional woman with a penis
- It is legal to shoot a Welshman with a bow and arrow if they are inside the city walls after midnight on a Sunday if they are of pure Welsh blood
- Chester is named after the glove puppet of children's entertainer Dave Benson-Phillips.
- Other names for Chester include Little Liverpool, Hollyoakes, Arsehole of Nowhere and Deva
- There was once a train crash at the railway station. No-one died. How fun!
- Most "G's" in Chester hang out by footlocker, but this is because they like the smell of shops...
- There are many hot babes that hang out in the chester region. These females tend to make your willy asplode... So be careful, dont wear your favourite banana hammock!!
- Chester was named after the posh bastard 'Chester Macdougle the third' People thought it'd be nice to name the city formerly named 'INOAN' which stood for 'I need of a name'
- Chester contains the funny little bourogh of blacon which is split in to Da parade and Da camp who every year famously go on a genacide misson and kill every body from the other half.
- also Blacon has the highest concentartion of people in the country (one billion times the amount of london) who smoke the class A drug know as Marijuana even though the population is only 13,495.
- Plans are in place that will see Chester become its own country.
- Look out for Chester the Child Molester
- Chester's Member of Parliament is Stephen Mosley, nephew of F1 impresario Max Mosley and grandson of the legendary Oswald Mosley.
- There is a holiday on the week of April 21st entitled "call everyone Chester week" although it is widely unknown it has been celebrated in a few small towns in southwestern Ohio
