Chevrolet

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Chevrolet.

Chevrolet is a brand under the giant monolith of a company known as General Motors. General Motors produces fast cars with no gas mileage because they all run on anti-matter. Other options unique to Chevrolet include in-car microwaves and interiors made from only the finest Italian hobos. 95 percent of all Chevy and GM cars end up in the hands of pimps, where they are used in the transport of ho's. Ford on the other hand, is known for it's decidedly average cars, built entirely by Ford's elderly accounting department. As such, Ford is better known for it's extensive use of plastic, engines with no power or torque and lack of rustproofing; because that would add $0.30 to the cost of every vehicle and god knows that would sink the company. Chevrolet vehicles, especially Chevy trucks, have headlights that are so powerful, they can pierce through the dark of night, through the earth's atmosphere, through the universe and straight into God's kitchen window while he is trying to eat supper. The engines have many useful nooks and crannies, making it the ideal place to put your apple pie when driving to Grandma's house. Chevrolet is popular with only the manliest of men, as women cannot handle the excessive manliness and have to buy Fords and Volkswagens. Chevrolet employees, a vibrant bunch, can usually be seen in their native habitat in and around Detroit, laying the smackdown to the elderly Ford employees across the street, who sit around and wonder why the Ford Crown Victoria and Fusion don't sell anymore, despite being redesigned only 74 years ago.

Legend has it Chevrolet once built a vehicle named "Corvair" that was so powerful, not even God himself was able to vanquish it. However, the president of NAMBLA, Ralph Nader, did not approve of the Corvair's greatness. He decided to discredit the Corvair. Naders's book, Unchaffed at any Speed, a description of his ability to ride a motorcycle while wearing only a thong, was a disappointing success. With the nation spending their money on books about wrinkly, half naked men on motorbikes, no one had any money left to spend on the poor Corvair. The Corvair, a mere shell of it's former self, went of to it's bedroom to gorge itself on chocolates. It is unknown when it will come out it's room, though it has been warned many times to come downstairs before its dinner gets cold.

So far, there has been no direct causal connection between Chevrolet and drought conditions resulting in Mick Jagger's face along the west coast of the United States.

Facts about Chevrolet[edit]

  • All Chevrolets are made from Pimpite, a mineral given to Chevrolet's all-powerful leader Bob Lutz by the Parliament Funkadelic.
  • The average Chevrolet runs on Mustangs and emits Mentally Challengers.
  • The average Chevrolet can also run on smiles and sunshine, a feat that has been yet to be copied by any other automaker.
  • Chevrolet cars cannot exceed the speed of light, as doing so would result in their driver's mass increasing exponentially and America is fat enough the way it is.
  • Chevrolet is the only brand of car that cannot be destroyed by a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
  • The Chevrolet Camaro has a governor on it, so as to not let the car exceed the speed of light and tear a hole in the space-time continuum.
  • Chevrolet gets all of their parts to build their cars from Jesus himself.
  • Every year, on average, 250 Chevrolet employees are sent on covert spy missions to the competitor's design studio's, wreaking havoc on unseen designs and stealing office supplies on their way out.
  • The Chevrolet Monte Carlo has sold a whopping 72,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,003.1415926 units since its introduction in 1970.
  • The metric system was devised especially for Chevrolet.
  • The Camaro, and it's sister car, the Pontiacrimony Slamshaft, are both the ultimate sign of status in high society. This even overrules the trophy wife.
  • Chevrolet engines get so good that after a year's use that they actually start producing gasoline instead of using it.
  • The Chevy Impala was the best car ever built. Not only was it rustproof, it would spit money out the tailpipe.
  • The Chevy Silverado is the most beautiful truck ever built. It has amazing specifications such as a top speed of 180 mph and 2,200 horsepower. This helped it win Jady Powers "Best Truck to Rip Your Neighbors House off its Foundation" award.
  • The Chevy is also an adjective used for Manliest of all men.