Chicago, Illinois

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The Kingdom of Shee-Kahg-Oh is an independent city-state located on the southwestern shore of Lake Michigan. Its location near the center of North America has made Chicago an important trade center. In addition, vast natural reserves of clout have cemented Chicago’s place among the world’s most powerful and wealthy nations.

King Daley II, A-Hole Ruler of Chicagoland

Nicknames[edit]

  • The Windy City - The origin of this phrase originally started when one of the first two tourists to visit the city remarked: "This place blows"
  • The Second Shitty
  • Chi Town
  • "The City of Big Shoulders, Tight Panties"
  • "Da Tree-One-Too"
  • "The City That Works (Except For The Chicago Fire, The Haymarket Riot, The 1968 Democratic National Convention, And The Chicago Flood)."
  • Da Bears
  • "The Land of a Thousand Mustaches"
  • "Almost murder capitol of da Yoo-Ess-Aigh"

Geography[edit]

The Kingdom of Chicago is distinguished by the lack of any significant topographical features. The awe-inspiring flatness of the city-state is punctuated by a few hills; atop of these hills, one may gain a magnificent view of one’s neighbor’s backyard.

The eastern portion of Chicago borders Lake Michigan. Much of Chicago’s trade is transported over this important body of water. Lake Michigan also plays an important role in Chicago’s climate, steering away winter storms to the wastelands of Michigan.

The climate is as varied as the topography is monotonous. High heat and bitter cold (often on the same day) cull the herds of young and elderly residing within Chicago.

Chicago is surrounded by a vast array of smaller cities known as suburbs. The largest and most well known of these is Elk Park Village Grove Crystal Lake Forest River Town Hill View Stream Heights Schaumburg . The farther north in the suburbs you travel, the farther and farther they disappear up their own asses. The northern suburbs of Highland Park, Lake Forest, and Milwaukee, Wisconsin have at many times tried to start a mass genocide of all black people, Mexican people, and poor people. Da Bears.

Divisions[edit]

The Kingdom of Chicago is divided into four provinces:

  • District of pale people, flat ass(North)
  • Atlantis (East)
  • African-American District (South)
  • Oprah's Ass (West)

In addition to the four main provinces, Chicago also maintains controls over the polities located within Cook Territories. These individual polities maintain varying degrees of autonomy. The most prominent of the Cook Territory polities are the port of Evanston, Cicero (one of the main centers for Chicago’s corruption export industry), and Oak Park.

The largest city located within the kingdom is Little Italy, centrally situated in the Central Federal District. Chinatown is considered the political and financial center of the kingdom. Other important cities include the ports of Navy Pier and Calumet; Bronzeville, the black metropolis; la Villita, the Mexican metropolis; and Lakeview, the white metropolis.

The Southside[edit]

Chicago's "southside" is actually located in the North of the city. The southside was created somewhere between 1602 - 1603 because first illegal immigrants that were swimming from Antarctica to Florida (they wanted to escape the dictatorship of the penguins) went through a time capsule in the Bermuda Triangle, landing on the actual northside thinking it was the south, they called it Southside.

Actual Facts about the southside:

  • Moo and Oink is responsible for 39% of Chicago's GDP.
  • Italian beef sandwiches are no longer sold on the southside since the Italians were smart enough to get the hell out many years ago.
  • There's a lot of black people
  • Home of Da Bears
  • The Remaining Irish Population Left in April 2009
Chalkie, the mascot of Chicago's 2012 Olympic Bid

.

History[edit]

The Great Chicago Fire

In 5321 CE, Chicago burned down. It is said that Mrs. O'Leary's cow started the fire as a typical example of cow arson. This is a pernicious lie. The fire was started by Billy Joel. Everyone worth knowing knows this. To this day, Billy Joel is declared a persona non-Grata in Chicago, and if he travels into the borders of Chicago, he will be promptly dropped from the Sears Tower, have his eyelid caught on a nail, land on a bicycle without a seat, and then have 281 pennies dropped on him. So decreed Mayor Richard M. Daley, Mayor of Chicago, Mayor Richard M. Daley, Mayor.

Lots of people died in the fire. They burned to death. I heard it hurt. I heard that it hurt badly. Colt Cabana told me so.

The Fish Americans from the East Side offered to help put the fire out. Then, because of their heroic effort, they claimed that Chicago belonged to them. The people of Chicago, who promised to give the city to the Fish Americans, had actually lied. They eventually beat them back by animating large Picasso statues. Now, every year, the Chicago River is dyed green to show those damn Fish Americans who is boss. But because this happens on Saint Patrick's Day, no one is sober enough to notice that the Chicago River flows away from Lake Michigan.

The Chicago Fire was eventually extinguished as a result of one of the earliest known miracles performed by Chicago's Patron Saint Barack Obama, after he called for it to rain forty days and forty nights. Over eight thousand mustaches were lost during the great Chicago fire.

The Not So Great Chicago Flood

While conventional wisdom often attributes the flood as an unintended consequence of Obama's deed (it only took two days and one night to put out the fire), researchers have determined otherwise. While sleeping in the abandoned subways under Chicago in 1993, Oprah's water broke, and the massive wave of placenta juices flooded every basement in Chicago killing many garage bands, but they sucked, so nobody beyond the city limits cares. Later, Oprah ate the 8 month premature fetus, in some sort of morbid abortion.


Da Bears

Chicago Police Department[edit]

Chicago's Finest. Serving & protecting.

The Chicago Police Dept. is the most menacing of all municipal police forces in the western hemisphere. Known for their powder-blue riot helmets, the CPD has a long and vibrant history in the city, and were credited by the First Mayor Richard J Daley (Richie's dad, AKA "Hizzoner") with the task of "preserving disorder".


Riots Successfully Ended by the CPD[edit]

  • 1871 O'Leary Cow Stampede: 9 tourists trampled to death. (see also Running of the Bulls)
  • 1905 South Side Roast Beef Riots: Eight deaths, four injuries
  • 1928 Lincoln Park Elementary School Chewing Gum Riots: Forty-eight third graders clubbed to death.
  • 1970 Deep Dish Pizza Riots
  • 1979 Disco Demolition Riots: Bloodiest riot in Chicago history. Over 200 people were bludgeoned to death by the 1000 CPD officers called to the event. Radio personality Steve Dahl was executed for organizing the event.
  • 1982 Italian Beef Riots-When Mother Theresa dined at Pizzeria Trenta-Sei after easily winning the America's Cup with Tony Montana and Beavis she said that Italian Beef "Tastes Like dog shit mixed with toxic waste." It set off a riot in the Lincoln Park area by groups of angry Gay Norwegians. Four cops were able to quell the fight after passing out free packs of Chuckles, and nachos.
  • 1985 Da Bears rule with an iron fist filled with brats and beer. Also known as the "Chicagoland Golden Age"
  • 1997 Jordan Retirement Riots
  • 2005 King Daley II indictment celebratory riots, 26 dead, 300 injured, all infants.

Culture[edit]

Chicago Police attempt to apprehend a suspect.

Culture in Chicago consists of watching baseball games. There are two baseball teams in Chicago, the Chicago Cubs Nubs and the Chicago White Sox,(as opposed to New York's 20 MLB teams). The Chicago Cubs are cursed by a goat, so they do not ever win. The Chicago White Sox play fairly well every once in a while, but since the yuppies on the north side are confused by this, nobody likes them. Another reason that may explain why no one likes the White Sox is the fact that their ballpark is shared with the womens softball team and its 4,000 maximum capacity greatly hinders their attendance revenue. More often than not, their team payroll(50 Canadian Dollars), is a sum too great for them to pay. As a result, they have to resort to trading away much of their talent and bring out kids from the farm system. Their farm system consists of a small farm in Nebraska, in which their future prospects milk cows, gather eggs and do other forms of labor to rake in as much money for the White Sox as possible. How this system prepares them for baseball is beyond me. From 1947 to 1958, there was a Negro League team called the Chicago Black Sox.

Wrigley Field, Home of the Chicago Cubs.

There's a football team, the Chicago Bears. Da Bears played football from 1947 to 1985. Then, from 1986 to 2004, they disappeared over the Bermuda Triangle, but have since found their way home. One of the most popular methods of celebration involves the practice of overindulgence of fermented grains (usually barley, sometimes jet fuel) whilst endlessly listening to the song entitled "The Super Bowl Shuffle". There was at one point another football team called the Chicago Cardinals, but they too disappeared, somewhere over St. Louis, then Arizona. Also, Da Bears.

There too is a basketball team. Known simply as "Da Bulls". Michael Jordan brought 600 NBA championships in only 278 years. However, they sucked monkey balls from 1999-2004. But they're ready to win 600 more NBA championships.

There's a hockey team called the Blackhawks. They sucked unbelievably large ass from 1964-1990, and again from 1992-2006, but they are now good and people like them. Da hawks... i um..Bears!!

Some people claim there is an art museum in Chicago. It is actually a train depot for the last Interurban train in the World, called the South Soul Railroad (Which outlived its two cousins, the North Soul Railroad, and Chicago, A Horror, and Hellgin Railroad). Only people going to Notre Dame of Corn get on that train.

Chicago also has a vibrant theater culture. BA WA HA HA HA!!! Yeah, I'm lying of course. Heh. Vibrant theater. Aw man, that's a good one. Only gay cities like Philadelphia have vibrant culture.

The City of Chicago has many garage bands. The garage bands actually play in basements in Chicago, since there are many basements. It is the general opinion of most neutral observers that the garage bands should be forced back into the basements. The rest of the observers just want to kill them - or are deaf.

There is a relatively new park called Millennium Park. The park has a large shiny bean and some fountains that spit at you. The park opened in 2003. It would seem that city officials do not understand the concept of millennium as the park actually opened in 2003. However, some theorize that it was so named since it will finally be paid off at the turn of the millennium in 3000.

Actually, all of this is a lie. There is no culture in Chicago proper. There never was one. Here, we just pretend there is one. Sometimes. Once again, the gay cities like Philadelphia have vibrant culture. Our only good University, The University of Chicago, does show signs of culture, but we don't talk about them.

The Chicago Metro area[edit]

Chicago is great?

It is believed that the entire country is part of the Chicago Metro area when it's actually the world. Everything and everyone leads to Chicago 24/7. Especially at O'Hare Airport, what with all its air connections. Despite rumors it's true that Chicago in 1997 tried to take over the world using it's windy city powers to blow all the world leaders off the planet and onto mars. Unfortunately it was only able to blow off Kansas. Kansas has since then threw a tumbleweed at Chicago. If the take over would have been successful, the entire world would have been called Shitland.

The Suburbs of Chicago[edit]

Millions of people are lining up to defecate at the famous Chicago Sanitary & Shit Canal.

The suburbs of Chicago stretches as far as Milwaukee, the northern suburb of Chicago, as well as Porter County, Indiana. Their main cultural attractions are two Ikeas and many EZ pass toll booths.

  • Addison - This is the aborted brother of Madison, Wisconsin. The abortion was a failure and now everyone who lives there is ugly.
  • Alsip - The soft-drink capital of Illinois.
  • Arlington Heights - I once won money at the race track here.
  • Aurora - The second largest city in Illinois. It can actually claim the second largest Mexican population in the U.S.A. Only surpassed by Los Angeles. The city motto is "Hey mang, ju got a greencard for sale?"
  • Bannockburn - Possibly the least-known suburb of this city.
  • Bartlett - Also known as Buttlet.
  • Batavia - It is one of the technology center and classified places in the world. Employees in Fermilab keeps sending classified information anything nuclear to the terrorists in the Middle East.
  • Bensenville - Once a thriving community of German immigrants. Now mostly industrial and Hispanic, and doors fall off of cars owned by dirty hippies. 1/4 of Bensenville will soon be a runway for nearby O'Hare Airport. Home of that auto wrecking place that's been running the same commercial since the 80's.
  • Berkeley - World renowned as the home of the University of California.
  • Berwyn - Berrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrwyn!!!!? Parking violations in Berwyn will result in your car being ticketed, towed, and jammed onto a large metal spike.
  • Bloomingdale - The University of Las Vegas is in this city.
  • Bolingbrook - This city is the creator of the world's largest Q-Tip. It killed 37 people. Scott Peterson's distant brother Drew Peterson, a murderer and a pedophile lives here, so be careful no joyriding around this neighborhood and national media are subject to swarm this place.
  • Bridgeview - The largest Arab community in Illinois outside of Detroit, Michigan. The Arab terrorists has classified plans to take the Chicago skyline down. Halal meals are served in this village.
  • Brazilia - Is this even in North America?
  • Brookfield - Illinois' endangered animal kingdom and animal prison.
  • Buffalo Grove - The gymnastics capital of Illinois.
  • Bull Valley - A wealthy community whose primary source of municipal revenue is traffic fines. Do not speed in Bull Valley. While Bull valley has only two police officers (Andy and Barney), they will ticket you for going 1 MPH over the posted limit and they always show up in court. Coincidentally, Bull Valley's police station is in the Stickney House, whose original owner built it with round corners to facilitate communication with the dead.
  • Burr Ridge - This is the most coldest place in the Chicagoland every winter months but in the summertime, bears take over this village.
  • Calumet City - So many stray bullets, so little time.
  • Cary - Although located near Chicago, it is about as urban as unpopulated areas of Kentucky.
  • Cicero - It seems you're in Mexico if you visit this place. Millions of Mexican illegal immigrants flock to this city. All billboards and shop names are written in Español. Most students in every high school are Mexican and can't speak fluent English. Also the home of UCLA - University of Cicero between Laramie and Austin. Prepare to speak Spanish of you wanna go there.
  • Crystal Lake - Illinois' gay and lesbian community.
  • Darien - Supposedly a nice place to live. When passing through Darien, you get lost and spend a bunch of fucking time trying to figure out how to get back to Interstate 55.
  • Deerfield - This city was named after the show, "Yes Dear." They are not good speelers in Deerfield.
  • Des Plaines - The only well-known landmark in this town on earth is the first McDonald's. It is also one of the fattest places in Illinois. Serial child killer John Wayne Gacy is from here. This city is subject to flood every year.
  • Dixmoor - Where porn stars live in relative anonymity.
  • Downers Grove - Town of near fifty thousand afflicted with Down Syndrome among many other chromosomal abnormalities.
  • East Dundee - It is Christmas everyday here in this village!
  • Elgin - This city is famous and well known internationally because it is one of the only two cities in the world which has a river running through it. The other city is Texas.
  • Elk Grove Village - The most German place in Illinois. neo-Nazi German immigrants help eliminate farm lands and built thousands of industrial buildings and making it the one of the polluted and toxic suburb of the Chicagoland. But the mostly toured attraction in Elk Grove is the mark of the 42° North latitude and 88° West longitude meeting point, which makes the local neighbors bothered about tourists flocking to this known to be famous landmark. The 88 degree latitude shares a village with West Allis, Wisconsin. Hundreds of little hardcore kids flock to this town on the weekends to dance around to grind core music. A group of intimidating men in their underwear lead this movement.
  • Elmhurst - It was known as Chevyland, home of the largest car dealer in Illinois. Immigrants stole all the brand new cars here and the mega car-dealer went out of business.
  • Evanston - The richest part of Chicago. Also known as the Illinois' little Hollywood. Also home of the infamous Northwestern University. Be careful when near the Northwestern campus, the students there are known to pray on small children and indie kids.
  • Evergreen Park - Mt. Greenwood but without the pretense of elevation.
  • Flossmoor - Your dentist is moonlighting here as a real estate agent.
  • Forest Park - Not Park Forest.
  • Fort Sheridan - A former military base well north of the city established shortly after the Haymarket Riots on land donated by wealthy citizens of Lake Forest to serve as an armed buffer between them and the common rabble. The active duty portion of the base closed in the late 90's but has been reborn as an overpriced condo complex, where you can purchase a 3 bedroom house formerly occupied by soldiers for $1.6 billion dollars. Two sections still contain military elements - the Army Reserve facility on the north end and Navy housing on the south, although residents will quickly deny any military affiliation at all.
  • Fox Lake - Often referred to as Fox Lake.
  • Fox River Grove - "Holy fuck! Train!"
  • Glen Ellyn - Also known as Wheaton. When in Glen Ellyn, you will be confused to discover you're actually in Wheaton.
  • Glencoe - The greenest and environment friendly place in Illinois. Famous for the "G-Town" Ghetto.
  • Glendale Heights - Illinois' Filipino village.
  • Glenview - This is used to be the leading military community of Illinois, with elements of US Navy aviation operating at Naval Air Station Glenview until the hippies won and the base was closed in 1995, and Glenview is now a de-militarized zone. The base was turned into pricey housing units and a shopping area. Consistent with the "NIMBY" mindset of most modern Glenview residents, they protested the plans of a sporting goods store to carry guns, despite there once being aircraft with nuclear weapons on that very soil. Not to be confused with Glen Ellyn/Wheaton, Glencoe, Glendale Heights, Glen Danzig, or Naperville.
  • Golf - A carved out village of Glenview, This was named after a favorite sport. No downtown but a post office. Even though Golf is too small to have roads, the town's economy is based entirely on speeding tickets.
  • Gurnee - Also known as Disneyland North. Six Flags Great America is bigger than Disneyland. A moving Sears Tower, the fake space shuttle are the major attractions there. Gurnee Mills is like their Mall of America.
  • Hanover Park - The quite-proclaimed Canadian place in Illinois. There is small neighborhood called Ontarioville: that means Hanover Park is mostly populated by Canadians eh? Western terminus of the appropriately-named Elgin-O'Hare Expressway. Hanover Park is the ghetto, black people live there
  • Harvey - Most crime-ridden suburb in Illinois.
  • Hebron - The witchcraft capital of Illinois.
  • Hillside - Three Interstate overpasses, Interstate 88, Interstate 290 and Interstate 294 are subject to collapse due to traffic and tolls. In 2019, Millions of residents wearing NIMBY shirts will protest about demolishing the tollways by force.
  • Highland Park - Fans passes by Michael Jordan's house and stalks him and his family 24/7 and follows him wherever they go. When you drive through this area, look for the number "23". There are also mega-shnazzy bar/bat mitzvahs.
  • Hinsdale - Poor town located off the coast of Claredon Hills where much of its population is living in poverty.
  • Hodgkins - That's were the medical term Hodgkin's disease got its name from. FedEx and UPS rules this village, some packages might contain marijuana or cocaine in them.
The Gallagher Center in Itasca is a stolen idea from New York's World Financial Center.
  • Homer Glen - One of the youngest suburbs in the Chicagoland. Also known for being the most badass suburb in the Chicagoland.
  • Huntley - Home to Chicago's first living cemetery, Del Webb's Sun City.
  • Itasca - Notable for Two Pierce Place (see photo at right), notoriously Chicagoland's most phallic building. Five miles due west of O'Hare Airport; eastern terminus of the aforementioned Elgin-O'Hare Expressway.
  • Joliet - Chicagoland's prison city, it is home of the Stateville Correction Center and prison (aka Fox River) where seven inmates escaped in around 2006 and two out of seven never caught: Michael Scofield and Lincoln Burrows. As it is Plainfield's companion city, a tornado runs through every 3.65 seconds. (See Plainfield below for more info.)
  • Justice - Na zdrowie! Mówisz po polsku? Nie? Dupek!
  • Kenilworth - Wealthiest suburb in Illinois. "Please, sir. We are poor Evanstonian children. May we have some of your goodies?"
  • Lake Bluff - Lake Forest's retarded little sister.
  • Lake Forest - The Malibu of Illinois, where wealthy people hide. Cops are all over the street. So don't bring your rotten car in this area. You are surrounded by materialistic people.
  • Lake In The Hills - (abbreviated L.I.T.H.) Noted for its lake nestled within its hills. Except when there there no water in the lake. Then it is called Mud In The Mounds.
  • Lake Zurich - Only the rich Chicagoans buys a second home here.
  • Libertyville - Named a long time after this land for American people, and before the Jeep Liberty SUV.
  • Lincolnshire - The best place for residential people. The most known landmark place in this city is McDonald's, which was built in 1990.
  • Lisle - The suburb with the never-ending road construction. This may be blamed on kickbacks from the mob.
  • Lombard - Also known as Wheaton. When in Lombard, you will be confused to discover you're actually in Wheaton.
  • Long Grove - Even better than Buffalo Grove.
  • McCook - Population 10 people, 23 seedy bars, 1 gay motorcyclists' association (not this one; the other one), and a giant water tower.
  • McHenry - Nice Blue Collar kinda town.
  • Melrose Park - aka Jewel/Osco-land, the Immigration and Naturalization Service are subject to raid the Jewel grocery distribution center once a year. The Mexican and the Italian immigrants are in a fight with each other for the taste of their food.
  • Minooka - Fleas have fleas, and Joliet has a suburb too!
  • Mokena - Not a suburb, they swear!
  • Morton Grove - 2/3 of the population in this village are Jews and 1/3 are Asians including Chinese, Filipino and Korean. Salt capital of the world. Ice is uncommon in Morton Grove.
  • Mount Prospect - There was once a fist fight in this city. Elevation: 0.
  • Mundelein - Established in 1942, after the continuing of World War II, maybe the time for the destruction of Pearl Harbor.
  • Naperville - Yuppies may be hunted here, but only with a permit.
  • New Lenox - Yuppies roam free here, and may be hunted without a permit and out of season. You might actually be looking for Joli, Orland , Frankf, Lincoln-Way Central High School and not even know it! Luxury homes and schools were blown up to make way for the extended I-355 tollway.
  • Norridge - Often referred to as Snore-ridge, or Bonerridge, it is considered occupied Chicago after Daley I's Council Wars in which the 16th Police District mounted a battle to take the Harlem-Irving Plaza. It is rumored that the morning after the battle Daley I rode a tank through the wrecked Bungalows, and commented, "I love the smell of burning topiary in the morning, it smells like... victory."
  • Northbrook - The next Orange County of Illinois.
  • Northfield - The wannabe BAMF town, fails miserably.
  • Northlake - Home of the grocery distribution center, Dominick's. Northlake and Melrose Park are at war with each other! See Melrose Park for more details.
  • Oak Brook - The Food Distribution capital of Illinois, where McDonald's headquarters is. Also the Hamburger University is where you can learn how to prepare a hamburger.
  • Oak Lawn - Home of Michael Flatley (Lord of the Dance), Kanye West (wrote the song "George Bush Hates Black People"), and home to Christ Hospital; the only hospital within 100 miles of Chicago. According to the National Census, if you live in Chicago, you have a 98% chance of being shot, so you will most likely spend some time in this city.
  • Oak Park - Earnest Hemingway hated this place, which means he actually did get something right.
  • Orland Park - This place here is nothing but playing golf. Famous players like Tiger Woods, Michelle Wie, Annika Sorenstam would stop by this village. Subdivisions named using a set of special dice include Crystal Tree, Fountain Hills, Creekside of Springcreek, Treetop, Silver Lake Villas, Crystal Shoe, Fountaintop, Creekside of Villas, Silo Ridge, Mallard Landings, Fountain Shoe, Creekside of Shoe, Tree Landings, and Shoemoor.
  • Oswego - Seven Inmates from Fox River prison invaded this town.
  • Palatine - The place where the Brown's Chicken Massacre happen. A serial killer murdered almost every worker like a Bonnie and Clyde-type shootout just to get the secret KFC recipe.
  • Park Forest - Not Forest Park.
  • Plainfield - A tornado runs through this town every 2.3 seconds. When I graduated Plainfield High School in 2001, there was only one high school. Now there's about 83, but hey, who's counting? Degenerate scumbags by the thousands flock to this area from the ghetto, only to find that they have now created their own mini-ghetto.
  • Prospect Heights - When gold was discovered here in 2012, 1,800 people died when there was a traffic jam to get to it. The site of the traffic jam is now a Starbucks.
  • Robbins - The ice cream capital of Illinois, Robbins was known as Baskin-Robbins before Baskin left to join Blue Island. Robbins is famous for having 21 flavors (Baskin took the other 10 in the divorce).
  • Rolling Meadows - Despite it's name, this city is flat and full of ugly people and children. Also know as "Rolling Ghettos" for its now mainly mexican community.
  • Roselle - A Metra train once derailed in this city, killing 900. The train was then elected mayor. Crime in the city has now skyrocketed.
  • Rosemont - This is a quite Vegas-like village, glamorous hotels, finest restaurants, nightclubs, and a stadium where you could watch wrestling. The rose flower tower is the landmark of the village. Airplane noises coming to/from O'hare bothers the village and planes are subject to crash in this town. The village is also ringed by congested Interstate toll highways, Interstate 90, Interstate 190 and Interstate 294. The highway interchange in Rosemont is one the boring roads in Illinois.
  • Round Lake - Contrary to popular belief, the lake in Round Lake is actually hexagonal. It was designed by the late Pablo Picasso, who was passing through during a wild goose hunt for the mall in Gurnee. Home of Waldo, who cannot be found in Round Lake.
  • Schaumburg - aka Scumburg, This city is the home of the first space shuttle launch, where I once got burned. Also the birthplace of Spandex. Widely known for Woodfield Mall and nearby Streets of Woodfield -- the former known for overpriced stores; the latter known for millions of teenagers and white kids who like to show off their Ricers.
  • Skokie - It's Illinois' Jewish village, home to millions of Jews. Mel Gibson is banned there!
  • Sleepy Hollow - The scariest place in Illinois. It is also well known for that one road that the speed limit is only 25mph. The cops in this city are ghey. There is a Best Buy in this city.
  • South Holland - The faithful and religious suburb of Chicago. But there will be a new college opening in the future which is called the South Holland Institute of Technology. It is located far off between I-294 and I-94.
  • Stickney - Smells like shit here.
  • Streamwood - The stream here was dammed to make way for a dam.
  • Union - The place where they store all their railroad garbage and equipment until it decomposes.
  • Vernon Hills - One of Chicago's best. The most famous landmark in this city is Wal-Mart, which opened in 1992, compared to McDonald's in Lincolnshire.
  • Villa Park - Home of the most bad ass dudes in all of Illinois. Also home to Ovaltine.
  • Volo - Doesn't actually exist. Residents are urged to ignore the signs and that part of their address that says something about their residing in Volo. Volo doesn't exist.
  • Wauconda - The apple capital of Illinois, cheapskate Chicagoans didn't want to buy apples from Washington for the Chicagoland market but instead, they borrow apples from the apple producing farms.
  • Waukegan - Hometown of Jack Benny. Also called Little Mexico since it's being overtaken by Mexicans
  • West Chicago - Also known as Wet Spicago. Not to be confused with Chicago. I guess everything is too big to handle.
  • West Dundee - Not to be confused with East Dundee. Elginites flock here in order to go to the mall and find something to do with their crappy lives.
  • Westmont - Town that takes pride in having a blues musician die there.
  • Wheaton - The city with more churches per person than actual people. Home of Wheaties.
  • Willow Springs - Lots of forests. No negroes. Former lakeside resort before lake was drained to build world's largest sewer. Al Qaeda agents spotted with shovels in Red Gate Woods.
  • Winnetka - Home to New Trier High School, the 4,000 most spoiled kids in the Chicago area. They are so rich they pay $5000 to park in peoples' driveways. Also has the world's most bendy trees.
  • Wood Dale - If you live here and don't speak Spanish, you probably speak Polish. If you don't speak Spanish nor Polish, you probably don't live here.
  • Woodridge - One of the horniest cities in America.
  • Woodstock - Originally named Punxsutawney. Noted for horrendous traffic jams at the narrow Metra railroad overpass bottleneck on Route 47.
  • Worth - Divided by 111th Street into the "Less" and "Not much, you?" neighborhoods.
  • Zion - The last free place where Neo and all the other humies lives. Constantly under attack by the machine race. Famous for there being no spoons and lost of people wearing black suits and sunglasses. Gordan Freeman attacked it last year because Neo called him, "Geeky" because he can't go super slow mo like the Neo, and if anyone knows Freeman they knows he HATES bieng called geeky and will crowbar anyone to death who says it. All of the stores in this town close at 8pm on weekdays, 5-6pm on weekends, and as early as 1pm on holidays. Zion has shitty bus service where the busses dont run on Sundays leaving people trapped in this boring town and busses don't run after 7pm. Train service to Zion has been inadequate since 1963 when the North Shore Line collapsed. The high school basketball team won the state championship for the first time in its 68 year history. Zion is notorious for taking away the fun by getting rid of the paddleboats, closing the ice and roller rinks getting rid of the gameroom in the leisure center that has nothing in it and is notorious for cutting events short this past year such as the carnival closing at 10pm instead of 11pm, the fireworks being too short, and the labor day parade being too short.

Northwestern Indiana[edit]

The Illinois-Indiana state line is the Israel-Palestine border of Chicagoland. Blacks and whites are killing each other along the boundary. Huge city-quality fireworks are legal in Indiana and every 4th of July holiday people rush to this state and buy those big explosives and light them in their backyard. People buying these fireworks can lead the whole Chicagoland an earthquake.

  • Chesterton - The gymnastics capital of Indiana.
  • Cleveland - Gary residents consider it the slums.
  • Dyer - Cigarettes, fireworks, and angry people.
  • East Chicago - This is not in Illinois, for stupid Chicagoans who are still in Illinois and wanted to view the Chicago skyline, they will realize that they are in the wrong state.
  • Gary - Also known as Jackoland. After Michael Jackson including his family fled this place, Gary is the most crime-ridden suburb in the Chicago area (outside of Illinois). It's also the noisiest city in America. Steel mills are getting rusty in this area.
  • Hammond - The well known landmark in the city is the Commonwealth Edison (or Northern Indiana) power plant which serves Chicago and Indiana. This is visible as far as downtown Chicago in the lake front and when you drive towards Chicago (I-90). The power plant owner are still fighting in court. It is also one of the places where you can buy huge fireworks legally before you can smuggle them into Illinois. But use the interstate highways instead of ordinary roads, Illinois cops are patrolling along the Indiana border for buying large fireworks or your car will be impounded! Also, fuck this place, man.
  • Hobart - Has pet lake named "George".
  • Merrilville - More square footage in billboard space than all homes combined. Plus there's a kickass parking lot with it's own mall!
  • Michigan City - Home to the geographically confused.
  • New Chicago - Because these hicks are too good for regular Chicago.
  • St. John - Chicagoland's most Catholic village. Mention of any other saints will result in prosecution.
  • Whiting - All-you-can-eat crude oil and fresh perch buffet every Thursday. Also home to the nation's only high school namesakes for George Rogers Clark; every graduate receives a coonskin diploma.

Southeastern Wisconsin[edit]

Chicagoans (see Shitcagoans) will often vacation in places they claim to hate and are inadequately grateful to the population of Wisconsin, whom they deem as their lowly caretakers. Wisconsinites have their revenge on Chicagoans by urinating in their Old Style and overcharging them for cheese and lodging.

  • Bristol -
  • Delavan -
  • Genoa City - Not to be confused with Genoa, IL. One is in the farmfields of Illinois; the other in the farmfields of Wisconsin.
  • Kenosha - A family-oriented community between Chicago and Milwaukee. Home of really bad television.
  • Lake Geneva - Wisconsin's tourist trap for Chicago's suburbs.
  • Pleasant Prairie - Home to the largest population of copulating prairie dogs the world has ever seen.
  • Silver Lakes -
  • Twin Lakes - where Chicagoans move when they realize Chicago sucks afterall.
  • Walworth -
  • Whitewater - President Bill Clinton has bought land here during his presidency. Today it known for its whitewater rafting, which is also President Clinton's favorite sport.

Milwaukee's suburbs[edit]

  • Bayside - Where the watermelons grow.
  • Brown Deer - they're actually more of a tan.
  • Brookfield - Mobster Al Capone made bathtub gin in his home here Brookfield, WI (not to be confused with Brookfield, IL, which is home to the famous zoo which features the one-eyed, one-horned flying Shitcago wombat (or as the zookeepers call it..."Oprah").
  • Butler -
  • Cudahy -
  • Elm Grove - Like Illinois' Elk Grove, only less assholes live here.
  • Fox Point -
  • Franklin - The remaining farmland in the Chicago-Milwaukee metropolitan area.
  • Glendale -
  • Greendale -
  • Greenfield -
  • Hales Corners -
  • Lannon -
  • Menomonee Falls -
  • Mequon -
  • Muskego -
  • Oak Creek - The first village you pass by before you hit the Milwaukee city limits.
  • Pewaukee -
  • Port Washington -
  • Racine - Home of S.C. Johnson Wax Co.
  • River Hills -
  • Shorewood -
  • South Milwaukee - Guess where this town is?
  • St. Francis -
  • Sussex -
  • Sturtevant -
  • Theinsville -
  • Wales - The most Welsh place trapped in America.
  • Wauwatosa -
  • Whitefish Bay - also known as Whitefolks Bay.

You Know You're From Chicago If...[edit]

  • You been to work or school with someone who has Polish surnames.
  • You can distinguish among the following area codes: 847, 630, 773, 708, 312, & 815.
  • You used the term "expressway" instead of "freeway."
  • You went to any middle school which locals call it Jr. High.
  • You are familiar with the numbering system and the street grid.
  • You know what a "forest preserve" is.
  • You've been to every landmark in the Blues Brothers.
  • You listen to Mancow instead of Howard Stern.
  • You grew up with Chicago Bulls along with Michael Jordan as a kid and you've seen your child-friends wearing a Bulls-themed clothing.
  • You feel very accustomed to Mexican culture if you live in Carpentersville, Harvard, Elgin, Wheeling, Prospect Heights, or Hanover Park.
  • You've been with Mexicans everywhere working in grocery stores, restaurants, constructions, malls, schools, etc. and you're not so negative about it.
  • You can't get away with Oprah Winfrey or Barack Obama and you wanted to see them dead.
  • News and TV programs starts an hour early than Eastern US does. (Morning news at 6am, soaps at 12pm, local news at 4am, world news at 5:30am, prime time TV at 7pm, evening news at 10pm and late-night talk shows at 10:30pm-12:30am)
  • You tune in to WGN for free without subscribing to your cable or satellite company.
  • You know that Chi-town isn't Chinatown.