Chicago

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“I died twice in Chicago, its not so bad after that.”

~ 3rd Street Crip on Chicago

“Your city looks positively dreary.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Chicago

“You can't change this light bulb yourself. You're gonna haffta hire some proffessionals. You got a problem wit dat?”

~ Electricians Union on setting up a convention at McCormick Place

“Just like the beach here man, much better I think!”

~ Chicagoan at the "beach" on Chicago

“We're like New York, except colder!”

~ Chicago on Chicago

Chicago (pronounded "shit call girl" which the city has plenty of) is one of the more ethnically diverse cities in the US. And is also known as the Hog Freedom Front For the World (HFFW) Since the inception of the "Fuck New York" Act in 1908, the City Council has launched an immigration drive for every culture in the world with the promise that they can enjoy corrupt politics outside of their home country and tell New Yorkers to go fuck themselves. It is always winter in Chicago except a brief period of thunderstorms and tornadoes. Its was recently voted Greatest City in America by Obesity Magazine. Basically it's like the poor man's New York where any food not containing meat is banned. Chicago originally formed from something smelly that washed up on the shores of Lake Michigan.

Contents 1 Discovery 2 Early History 3 1900s-2000s 3.1 The not-so great Chicago flood 3.2 The Twisting Terror 3.3 Lifestyle 4 Economy 5 The South Side 6 CTA 7 Nicknames 8 Chicago Police Department 8.1 Riots Successfully Ended by the CPD 9 Trivia 10 Cuisine 11 Landmarks & Attractions 12 Chicago Neighborhoods 13 Suburbs of Chicago 13.1 Northwestern Indiana 13.2 Southeastern Wisconsin 13.2.1 Milwaukee 13.2.2 Milwaukee's suburbs 14 See Also

[edit] Discovery

Illinois was discovered in the late 1700's by migrant firemen during the Great Fireman Exodus of 1784, led by Shamus O'Neil O'Rourke. The firemen were drawn to Illinois because of their lax policy on intra-family marriage laws as well as the flat topography, which would better allow fire to spread.

Originally named "Shitcago" for obvious reasons, the name was changed to Chicago, which is a Yanomamö term, which roughly translates to either "fuck New York" or "fuck Sbarro", depending on whichever was the most recent offender of the Yanomamö's puritanical, Mormon-influenced culture.

Due to the discovery 100 years too late that they weren't invited to the Columbian Exhibition, the offended Yanomamö have since transferred their camps to South America via the Rock Island Wormhole, and the term "Chicago" in their culture now translates more or less to "fuck Chicago".

[edit] Early History

The following is factual information about the history of Chicagoland and her hinterlands:

Chicago is an Indian word (casinos, not call centers) meaning "Tomatoes, not catsup." But Whitey killed off all the redskins (except including the ones in Washington, D.C.), and the word took on several new, bizarre meanings. It is home to the highly prestigious university of the same name.

Founded in 1803, 30 years before the city itself, the early CPD was a roaming group of former U.S. presidents headed by Thomas Jefferson. By the mid 1850s, operating under the orders of King Richard Daley I, the CPD soon became a volunteer task-force for the eradication of homeless people and the Irish.

Lake Michigan was created when the O'Leary Cow detonated the first controlled nuclear reaction in 1871, which occurred at the University of Chicago. The Atomic Bomb was also designed to kill the Irish as well, as payback for them being pasty and alcoholics.

Another well known school is located just outside downtown Chicago is known as UIC, or the 'University of the Indians and Chinese'. This public research school houses some of the most unsightly architecture the city is known for. Designed by Irish architect Walter Netsch (who was a recovering alcoholic at the time), the campus features a tower (University Hall) which was built upside down, several times. Frustrated Netsch finally committed suicide by throwing himself over the edge of the Sears Steeple. (It was later discovered that Walter Netsch was holding the blueprints backwards).

The two enormous twin-spiked Minarets: John Hancock Mosque and Sears Steeple were leftovers of the ancient moorish civilization and culture which thrived during the great epoch known as White Flight. This was during the reign of King Martin Luther II. King Martin Luther's illegitimate son, Jesse Jackson, saw the error of his father's ways is now involved in altruistic efforts to make the world a better place. Like that one time he saved that cat out of a tree, he called 25 news networks for a full press conference and said "I got a cat out of a tree and I'm humble."

Then when obama was elected on jan 20 all hell broke loose and the crackers where enslaved and beaten forcing the honkees to make crack for them.They were forced to live in projects such as Cabrini Green the crackers made money selling beer and Marlboro light 100s but other crackers wanted more money so they formed gangs such the the Rich BOYZ who listened to rap such as Big Wayne and Soulja Man . The other gang was Emos Ridaz who listened to rock that made them cut thereself such Good Charleston and Jim vomits World " The Clothes that the gang wear is for the Rich Boyz is polos and those hats that are not 59/50 with short shorts and the Emo Ridaz wore what ever they could could get at a bondage store. The Rich Boyz weapons were my daddys shotgun, hunting rifle and annoying rap music such as T Love Old Joc. Emo Ridas weapons were rags soaked in there own blood most of the people in the gang had aids so it was a weapon they had a truce in the 90s but that ended

[edit] 1900s-2000s

[edit] The not-so great Chicago flood

While sleeping in the abandoned subways under Chicago in 1993, Oprah's water broke, and the massive wave of placenta juices flooded every basement in Chicago killing many garage bands, but they sucked, so nobody beyond the city limits cares. Later, Oprah ate the 8 month premature fetus, in some sort of morbid abortion.

[edit] The Twisting Terror

In 2007, plans were finalized for the construction of the 'Chicago Birthday Candle', a 2,000 foot tall residential skyscraper made of Crest toothpaste and birthday cake. Apparently, these plans was approved after Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell both agreed that the nearby Trump International Hotel and Tower construction site would not be a suitable spot for O'Donnell's collection of toothpaste and cake collected from her backside following a bakery incident in Los Angeles.

[edit] Lifestyle

Chicago is renowned for its minarchist style hands-off approach to government, which started in California. It was recently rated one of the least restrictive cities in the United States.[1] Many people migrate to the city in order to be free from the wrath of paternalism, socialism, and economic protectionism that has overtaken the rest of the country. Citizens of Chicago are guaranteed unrestricted fundamental rights such as ownership of firearms or recreational drug use. Businesses enjoy minimal regulation on their practices without worrying about fines, such as smoking in bars or restaurant food laws and may set prices according to what the market will bear. Up and coming corporations flock to Chicago to take advantage of the unrestricted zoning and low taxes. Of course, every now and then a new ordinance comes up to give citizens a nudge in the "right direction" as determined by society's best interests.

[edit] Economy

Chicagoland runs on what is known as a corruption based economy. In theory, everyone in Chicagoland holds a state sponsored job, we call these people Union Members. These Union Members are in turn supported by the fabled and most likely imaginary farmers in southern Illinois (which is almost certainly itself apocryphal). Since only the votes of Union Members count in Illinois the mayor stays in power.

Highest taxes in the country. 11.25% In Downtown Area and 10.25% in the rest of the city. A 10cent extra tax applied to every bottle of water sold. $10 packs of ciggaretes in Downtown!

A large percentage of these corrupt "Union Members", as well as many of their useless relatives, pretend to work for the Chicago transit authority

[edit] The South Side

Chicago's "South Side" is actually located in the North of the city. This naming scheme was created primarily to prevent crime tourists from finding it and gentrifying the shit out of it.

Actual Facts about the South Side:

• Moo and Oink is responsible for 39% of Chicago's GDP.
• Italian beef sandwiches are no longer sold on the southside since the Italians were smart enough to get the hell out many years ago.
• Everybody has a job, because Southsiders just LOVE to work, and those who don't, know someone in local government.
• Wonderful places, beautfiul places
• Southsiders are evnironmentalists becasue they do not drive. Instead they wait on every corner for a bus; Earth thanks you!
• In the free time, after a long, hard day at work, Southsiders enjoy their hobbies; such as shooting people or taking care of business unrecognized by the IRS
• As a reward for hard work, from the South Side loving Mayor Daley, all southsiders receive food stamps so they can spend money on other things instead of just food - for example Alcohol or just speical treats imported from Florida
• When entering the South Side, one must predominantly display your gang colors so as not to be shot by one's own gang.
• You will never need an iPod with you; everyone plays extremely loud music with base to the max from their cars; occasionaly performing the tribal dances on gas stations
• Schools on the South Side care about their students very much; they do not make students wear backpacks or carry books to school so they do not injure themselves while climbing a tree on their way
• In order to cope with the thirst of South siders, there is a liquor store on almost every intersection
• They do not want the Chicago 2016 Olympics; they fear that the construction of the stadium and the international center on the Sotuh Side will end up in demolishing their beatuful, safe and squeaky clean neighborhoods
• In order to support the southsiders, Chicago has the highest taxes in the country; 11.25% in downtown and 10.25% in the rest of the city. All of this because we need to support Southsiders and build them a library to improve their incredibly high literacy scores. Soon we're gonna pay for the dirty air we breath in...
• Suburbanites who would never visit the rougher areas on the south side in a million years, except to buy drugs or sex, get their jollies out of making fun of the poor, mostly minority people who have to live there.

[edit] CTA

The CTA is the local transit agency of the Kingdom of Chicago, dedicated to wasting tax dollars and overcharging the public, by transporting people to where they don't want to go, by the least efficient route possible.

CTA's routings go through Weehawken New Jersey, Ottumwa Iowa, and Green Bay Wisconsin, for no reason, other than the routing director likes the scenery there. While the routings go through these places, no stops are made there, due to the risk of infecting these places with the incurable disease, Chicago Politics.

The CTAs road vehicles range from oxcarts to fairly modern buses, all of which smell like oxcarts. The CTA also runs several rail transit lines, on inconvenient schedules, which smell like rolling urinals.

[edit] Nicknames

The Breaking Wind City Chi-Town Shit-Town "The City of Big Shoulders, Tight Panties" "The City That Works (Except For The Chicago Fire, The Haymarket Riot, The 1968 Democratic National Convention, And The Chicago Flood)." Oprahland City of unemployed south-siders Spiceville That nice, intimate wonderland just south of the border The City That Always Stinks Chicano Spicago

Shitcago Mexicago Chicanoland Mexico City by the Lake Hog Freedom Front for the World Fuck You, New York The Couch-Jumping Capital of the World The Big Potato (or some kind of vegtable or somthing) The Basketball Capital of the World (1984 until 1999) City of Bad Haircuts Crook County Mudhole on the Prairie

[edit] Chicago Police Department

The Chicago Police Dept. is the most menacing of all municipal police forces in the western hemisphere. Known for their powder-blue riot helmets, the CPD has a long and vibrant history in the city. The Chicago Police don't play. As of 2000, 99.2% of the of the Chicago Police are lesbians, which is the reason for the ferocity of the department.

[edit] Riots Successfully Ended by the CPD

• 1871 - O'Leary Cow Stampede: 9 tourists trampled to death. (see also Running of the Bulls)
• 1905 - South Side Roast Beef Riots: Eight deaths, four injuries
• 1928 - Lincoln Park Elementary School Chewing Gum Riots: Forty-eight third graders clubbed to death. Police however ignored the drunk 8th graders.
• 1968 - N/A
• 1970 - Deep Dish Pizza Riots
• 1979 - Disco Demolition Riots: Bloodiest riot in Chicago history. Over 200 people were bludgeoned to death by the 1000 CPD officers called to the event. Radio personality Steve Dahl was executed for organizing the event.
• 1997 - Jordan Retirement Riots
• 2005 - King Daley II indictment celebratory riots, 26 dead, 300 injured, all infants.
• 2007 - Riot that followed the visitation of a UFO over Chicago. Bush was arrested for causing it.
• 2008 - Obama's victory rally riot. 326 dead. All killed by angry McCain supporters.
• 2009-2010 - Anti-Olympic Riots. Started after the IOC chose Chicago to be the next Olympic city.

[edit] Trivia

• Chicago was once called the city of "broad lawns and narrow minds" by Ernest Hemingway
• Chicago, Illinois, Richard M. Daley, His Magnificence Daley II, Mayor of Chicago is one of metropolitan Joliet's larger suburbs.

• A musical group named Chicago took its name from the suburb. It was originally called the Joliet Transit Authority, but changed its name after dyslexic fans kept calling them the Toilet Transit Authority.
• The Chicago Bears are an endangered species of omnivorous ursine native to the Great Lakes area. The black market trade in Chicago Bearskin flourishes to this day, with smugglers disguising their shipments as pigskin. Attempts to breed the species in captivity result in triumph year after year - see Chicago Cubs.
• Oprah Winfrey is a resident of the city. What, you've never heard of her? She is the wife of comedian Dave Chappelle.“I'm pregnant, Dave. Yes I'm sure!”
  

~ Oprah Winfrey on Dave Chappelle

“You cookin', bitch?!”

~ Dave Chappelle on cooking

• The infamous Wattagecat calls Chicago home.
• In the early 'oughties, a group of investors went broke after funding a Broadway musical named for the suburb. The tale of a young woman and her loving husband comparing mortgage rates on a new McMansion was a hit with accountants, however.
• In a last-ditch effort to avoid bankruptcy, the accountants at Enron published figures showing that the musical was a hit, which led to the filming of the movie version of the doomed production. When the truth was discovered by McGruff The Crime Dog, it caused the Dot-Com Bust.
• Chicago was the birth place of the greatest song ever written or ever will be written.
• Chicago is the only city to ever be recreated in any flight simulators. Any other city seen in a flight sim is just a clone of Chicago.
• Chicago and Rome, Italy shares the same latitude of 42 degrees north. Navigators tried to walk around that line and never succeeded.
• The street Foster Avenue was named after anti-Ronald Reagan fanatics for ones who are in love with Jodie Foster.
• The Sears Tower will eventually be renamed the Spears Tower to honor the world's diva, Britney Spears. The two antennas of the skyscraper can be used as stripper poles. This should attract more visitors to this famous landmark.
• The movie Timmy the Toilet Eating Bastard goes to Downtown Chicago takes place in Chicago, despite being filmed in Russia.

[edit] Cuisine

Chicago is known for having excellent food, despite being the worlds largest consumer of Goat and Iguana meat. Some of the local specialties include:

• Chicago Style Hot Dogs - small boiled combination iguana and goat meat sausage, served on an oversized bland white bun, and covered with all of the following condiments: celery salt, glow-in-the-dark green relish, pickles, cucumber, eye of newt, sport peppers, battery acid, dayglo yellow mustard, tomatoes, eggplant, toe of frog, chili, lettuce, onions, rutabaga, red cabbage, barbeque sauce, sauerkraut, axle grease, coleslaw, potato salad, baked beans, limburger cheese, candle wax, chicken soup, and worchestershire sauce...But NO KETCHUP!!!
• Chicago Style Pizza - A round hunk of edible cardboard, slathered with ketchup, and covered in goat sausage and melted goat cheese.
• Deep Dish Pizza - a round edible cardboard tub, burnt thoroughly, and filled with 5 pounds of unidentifiable melted cheese, iguana sausage, and a teaspoon of ketchup.
• Italian Beef - Filet of iguana, boiled in it's own juices, served thinly sliced on Italian bread.
• Italian Sausage - Goat meat sausage, grilled, and served on Italian bread with Italian beef style sauce.
• Maxwell Street Polish - Sausage of non-Polish origin, normally made of a mixture of ground rat, racoon, coyote, dog, cat, possum, and squirrel. May also contain the flesh of any animal that has recently died at the local zoos. Grilled over a fire of used motor oil, and served on stale Italian bread, with grilled onions and barbeque sauce. Notable among "Chicago" foods as containing no goat or iguana meat.

Consumption of the following foods within the Chicago city limits will result in the summoning of the Chicago Food Patrol SWAT-team/Firing squad, and the immediate summary execution of the offender(s):

• Hot dog with Ketchup.
• Pâté de foie gras (French equivalent of the hot dog, made from the liver of overfed geese).
• Hot dog with foie gras.
• Foie gras with hot dog.

[edit] Landmarks & Attractions

Main article: Landmarks & Attractions in Chicago

The Shit Aquarium Chicago Sanitary & Shit Canal Sears/K-Mart Tower Adler Planetarium Soldier Field Millennium Park University of Illinois at Chicago, a glorified bomb-shelter that houses numerous college-aged kids and terrorists. Navy Pier The I-90/94/290 Circle Interchange The "L" (rapid trasit system,not to be confused with the flag which usually flies over Wrigley Field) United Center - home of Chicago Bullshits and Chicago Black Hawk Downs Wrigley Field - where the Chicago Scrubs play Field Museum

The Kremlin Mike Dickhead's Restaurant Harry Ferry's Restaurant Oprah's condominiums Fuckingham Fountain The Jerry Springer Studio Chinatown, where you can buy cheap pirated DVDs for 99 cents. Museum of Scientology Rod Blago-you-bitch's boyhood home in Chicago's northwest side. Coming soon: The Barack Obama Museum of Song and Dance Coming soon: The World's Tallest Birthday Candle and Drill Bit

[edit] Chicago Neighborhoods

Main article: Chicago Neighborhoods

Chicago has many neighborhoods each with their own unique character.

• Albany Park - Former home of the Tower of Babel.
• Andersonville - Epicenter of Chicago's large Swedish lesbian population.
• Armour Square - Right next to Bridgeport, home to Chicago's second most popular beer garden US Cellular (aka Comiskey) Park.
• Beverly - AKA "The World's Largest Frat", Beverly is home to every stereotypical "douchebag" known to man. On any given night of the week one many find herds of white young men wearing polo shirts (with popped collars), holding 24 packs of "Natty Ice", while referring to each other as "bros". Most are nocturnal and tend to congregate in any of the local parks after midnight.
• Bridgeport - Less racist than it was in the sixties, which says little. Only place in the city where you can walk down the street and see a hipster ironically wearing a shirt with a cartoon on it from the 80's and a white trash girl unironically wearing a tweetie bird shirt waiting too long for the same bus. (Correction the white trash girl will never leave Bridgeport, she's just waiting there until someone gives her a menthol cigarette)
• Clearing - A comfy area on the south west side of sturdy homes and well kept lawns, where children are lulled to sleep by the calming sound of jet planes flying fifty feet over their cozy bedrooms.
• Craigin - Where the Polish thrive, and where the mexicans run off to. Mostly to escape little village and pilsen
• Edison Park - The neighborhood's slogan is, "The whitest neighborhood you know." Also former home of Hillary Clinton.
• Edgebrook -
• Edgewater - The highrises on the east side of the neighborhood are home to many senior citizens, giving the neighborhood it's unofficial motto "Edgewater, where people come to die".
• Englewood - Death comes quickly here. A rejected American Idol turned Hollywood star Jennifer Hudson spend her childhood here.
• Forest Glen -
• Humboldt Park - Where twenty somethings who think it's edgy to get shot at move. The old german building in the park is home to the Puerto Rican cultural center.
• Hyde Park - Home of the world famous University of Chicago, its thousands of students are home to billions of IQ points. Sadly outside of one narrow field they are as shallow as you or I. Children unfortunate enough to be raised in Hyde Park have social consciousness and a huge inferiority complex vis a vis the north side, making the girls really easy. Adopted home of Barack Obama, for a while.
• Irving Park
• Jefferson Park
• Lake View - Silly suburbanites call it Wrigleyville, for Wrigley Field where dreams don't come true. Also the favorite haunt of self styled teenage punk rockers who know of no better way of sticking to the man than sitting in a parking lot and eating a donut.
• Lincoln Park - Like a zoo out there! Yuppie's are bred in large numbers. Materialist douche bags are happy to have a Starbucks at every other corner.
• Little Village - The real mexican neighborhood, where hipsters are afraid to go
• Lincoln Square - Not to be confused with Lincoln Park, the residents of this neighborhood are slightly less annoying.
• Logan Square - Where the twenty somethings too cool for Wicker Park move.
• The Loop - The many tall building and bridges make this the suicidal tourist's first stop in Chicago. Named after the great roller coaster that meanders its way through its streets. After the first drop, the coaster makes one large loop, followed by three corkscrew turns.
• Mayfair - Home of Rod Blagovich, and other surly old men.
• Norwood Park - The place where the serial killer John Wayne Gacy used to live.
• Pilsen - Where twenty somethings and Mexicans who think it's edgy to live in a neighborhood with more tortilla factories than trees move.
• Rogers Park - Chill people, but no one has ever returned from here, it's basically the north pole.
• Uptown - Up from downtown, home to Chicago's 2nd Chinatown, which is actually Vietnamese or something, but really what's the difference?
• Wicker Park - Where the twenty somethings too cool for Lincoln Park move.

[edit] Suburbs of Chicago

Main article: Suburbs of Chicago

The suburbs of Chicago stretches as far as Milwaukee, the northern suburb of Chicago, as well as Porter County, Indiana. Their main cultural attractions are two Ikeas and many EZ pass toll booths.

• Addison - This is the aborted brother of Madison, Wisconsin. The abortion was a failure and now everyone who lives there is ugly.

• Algonquin

• Alsip - The soft-drink capital of Illinois.

• Antioch - Aahh! Wal-Mart has taken over. Run!

• Arlington Heights - I once won money at the race track here. Is located 50 feet below sea level.

• Aurora - The second largest city in Illnois. It can actually claim the second largest Mexican population in the U.S.A. Only surpassed by Los Angeles. The city motto is "Hey mang, ju got a greencard for sale?"

• Barrington - THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD LIVE HERE!!!! You're not a man unless you drive a Benz from MoterWerks, wear a sharp Barney's suit, and go to work while your wrinkling trophy wife takes it up the poop chute from one of your daughter's boyfriends. Or two.

• Barrington Hills - Barrington's bro... Property values are a god-given birth right. I'll sue your ass, railroad.

• Bartlett - Also known as Buttlet. Main attraction: National Pear Museum.

• Batavia - It is one of the technology center and classified places in the world. Employees in Fermilab keeps sending classified information anything nuclear to the terrorists in the Middle East.

• Bedford Park - Full of skinheads. Oi Oi Oi!

• Beecher

• Bellwood

• Bensenville - Once a thriving community of German immigrants. Now mostly industrial and Hispanic. 1/4 of Bensenville will soon be a runway for nearby O'Hare Airport. Home of that auto wrecking place that's been running the same commercial since the mid '80s. Literally.

• Berkeley - World renowned as the home of the University of California.

• Berwyn - Parking violations in Berwyn will result in your car being ticketed, towed, and jammed onto a large metal spike.

• Big Rock - Don't blink.

• Bloomingdale - The University of Las Vegas is in this city. Part of the highly efficient, highway oriented Schaumburg-Streamwood-Bartlett area paradise of pavement.

• Blue Island - The former home of Hollywood heavyweight Gary Sinise and musical legend Kanye West. It has been noted that there is no God in Blue Island. Blue Island is a good place to lay down on some railroad tracks. People come from afar to enjoy Blue Island's infamous eatery: Taco Bell. It's not actually blue, nor is it an island. Some people are just really bad at naming things.

• Bolingbrook - This city is the creator of the world's largest Q-Tip. It killed 37 people. Scott Peterson's distant brother Drew Peterson, a murderer and a pedophile lives here, so be careful no joyriding around this neighborhood and national media are subject to swarm this place.

• Braidwood - It stands for Brawny Renamed Agricultural Idiot Demon Willing to Offer Oberweis Dairy.

• Bridgeview - The largest Arab community in Illinois outside of Detroit, Michigan. The Arab terrorists has classified plans to take the Chicago skyline down. Halal meals are served in this village.

• Broadview - Great place to view broads. Town Motto is "Show us your TITS!!!"

• Brookfield - Illinois' endangered animal kingdom and animal prison.

• Buffalo Grove - The gymnastics capital of Illinois. Also the lonely housewife capital of Illinois. The two are not exclusive.

• Bull Valley - A wealthy community whose primary source of municipal revenue is traffic fines. Do not speed in Bull Valley. While Bull valley has only two police officers (Andy and Barney), they will ticket you for going 1 MPH over the posted limit and they always show up in court. Coincidentally, Bull Valley's police station is in the Stickney House, whose original owner built it with round corners to facilitate communication with the dead.

• Burbank - Sorry folks, you're in the wrong location, Jay Leno doesn't live here.

• Burnham - Wonderful slice of depressed purgatory, named after the great civil engineering genius Daniel Burnham as a reminder of happier times.

• Burr Ridge -

• Calumet City - So many stray bullets, so little time.

• Calumet Park - Very nice people to knock your teeth out if you are ever in need.

• Campton Hills - Came in to existence after by seceding from St. Charles after the civil war of Kane County.

• Carol Stream - Not much different from Streamwood.

• Carpentersville - It was named in order to honor the pop group The Carpenters, especially the late Karen Carpenter. Just down the road from Plumberstown.

• Cary - Although located near Chicago, it is about as urban as unpopulated areas of Kentucky. For now.

• Channahon -

• Chicago Heights - A Chicago wannabe. ps, the Heights bit is a lie.

• Chicago Ridge - Same as Chicago Heights, yet another Chicago wannabe.

• Cicero - Formerly the bedroom community of the Chicago Mafia, commuting distance to most good body-dumping locations. Now, millions of Mexican illegal immigrants flock to this crusty little suburb. Good luck, amigos. All billboards and shop names are written in Español. Most students in high school are Mexican and can't speak fluent English. Home to Morton College, where the muffin tops and cottage cheese thighs are always available for your viewing pleasure!

• Clarendon Hills - A town where every street begins with "Wisteria" and ends in "Lane."

• Country Club Hills - Uh... yeah right. I used to work in a glue factory in "Country Club" Hills. Not as glamorous as its name implies.

• Countryside -

• Crestwood - Don't drink the water. Fidel Castro's Polish brother was mayor for 68 years, but then passed the sword to his son.

• Crystal Lake - Illinois' gay and lesbian community.

• Darien - Supposedly a nice place to live. When passing through Darien, you get lost and spend a bunch of fucking time trying to figure out how to get back to Interstate 55.

• Deerfield - This city was named after the show, "Yes Dear." They are not good speelers in Deerfield. Regional nexus for high-priced, low-mpg SUVs driven by high-maintenance, low-IQ moms and their high-strung, low-morals princess daughters.

• Des Plaines - The only well-known landmark in this town on earth is the first McDonald's. It is also one of the fattest places in Illinois. Serial child killer John Wayne Gacy is from here. This city is subject to flood every year.

• Dixmoor - Town was formerly called DixMoon, named after Dix, local female bartender known for flashing her fat ass at anyone and everyone. Part of the N Fell off the sign, and since no one in town could spell "N", they changed the town name to match the sign.

• Dolton - You know it's just like Compton, fool!Formerly known as Dolt's Town.

• Downers Grove - Town of near fifty thousand afflicted with Down Syndrome among many other chromosomal abnormalities. Also the home of Emo Philips, probably not coincidentally.

• East Dundee - It is Christmas everyday here in this village!

• East Hazel Crest -

• Elburn -

• Elgin - This city is famous and well known internationally because it is one of the only two cities in the world which has a river running through it. The other city is Texas. Touching the river causes a slow and painful situation of lockjaw and the giardia virus. Thousands of sophisticated urban 30-somethings are leaving Chicago to live in 800 thousand dollar condos next to the famous Fox Sewage Flow. The Elgin-Ohare Expressway doesn't go here.

• Elk Grove Village - The most German place in Illinois. neo-Nazi German immigrants help eliminate farm lands and built thousands of industrial buildings and making it the one of the polluted and toxic suburb of the Chicagoland. But the mostly toured attraction in Elk Grove is the mark of the 42° North latitude and 88° West longitude meeting point, which makes the local neighbors bothered about tourists flocking to this known to be famous landmark. The 88 degree latitude shares a village with West Allis, Wisconsin.

• Elmhurst - It was known as Chevyland, home of the largest car dealer in Illinois. Immigrants stole all the brand new cars here and the mega car-dealer went out of business.

• Elmwood Park - The place where 200 idiots were hit and killed by a high speed train, after they all stopped their vehicles on the railroad tracks at the same time on Thanksgiving day 2005. Their relatives all sued the local bus company, claiming the drivers were distracted by an outdoor orgy that was happening at a nearby bus stop.

• Evanston - The richest part of Chicago. Fag and Dyke rights capital of Illinois. Also known as the Illinois' little Hollywood. Also home of the infamous Northwestern University. Be careful when near the Northwestern campus, the students there are known to prey on small children and indie kids. Mr. T lives in Evanston and killed his neighbor with a chainsaw after the neighbor complained over Mr. T cutting down trees in his backyard. Serious! Look it up!

• Evergreen Park - Clinging like a barnacle to the city line of Chicago, famous for the Evergreen Park Mall and its giant Christmas tree. Probably now replaced by a cheerful Kwanzaa display.

• Flossmoor - I live on a golf course!

• Ford Heights -

• Forest View -

• Fox Lake - An island in the middle of a sparkling clean lake. The whole town is a bar or "inn" located on this island. Population is fat obnoxious white trash.

• Fox River Grove - "Holy fuck! Train!" -an hero

• Frankfort - capital of Kentucky, renowned for its racism and 1890s charm

• Franklin Park -

• Geneva - straight shit

• Gilberts -

• Glen Ellyn - You have to pay a f**king lot to live here. The price for most homes here are about the same as.....Queen Elizabeth's Palace. Lots of movies are shot here, leading America to think Chicago teens grow up amongst landscaping and prosperity.

• Glencoe - The greenest and environment friendly place in Illinois. Famous for the "G-Town" Ghetto.

• Glendale Heights - Illinois' Filipino village.

• Glenview - This is used to be the leading military community of Illinois, with elements of US Navy aviation operating at Naval Air Station Glenview until the hippies won and the base was closed in 1995, and Glenview is now a de-militarized zone. The base was turned into pricey housing units and a shopping area. Consistent with the "NIMBY" mindset of most modern Glenview residents, they protested the plans of a sporting goods store to carry guns, despite there once being aircraft with nuclear weapons on that very soil. Not to be confused with Glen Ellyn/Wheaton, Glencoe, Glendale Heights, Glen Danzig, or Naperville.

• Glenwood -

• Golf - A carved out village of Glenview, This was named after a favorite sport. No downtown but a post office. Even though Golf is too small to have roads, the town's economy is based entirely on speeding tickets.

• Grayslake - A collection of houses in search of a town. Primarily known for a main business strip that has all the businesses disguised as private homes.

• Green Oaks -

• Gurnee - Also known as Disneyland North. Six Flags Great America is bigger than Disneyland. A moving Sears Tower, the fake space shuttle are the major attractions there. Gurnee Mills is like their Mall of America, except not. It's shaped like a big Z. Whatever store you want to go to is always on the other end of the Z from where you are, and between the two points there are a hundred and ninety seven traffic-blocking mall kiosks selling cell phone accessories, fake designer perfume and sunglasses, and gaudy body jewelry. There are also approximately six thousand people - swaggering gangbangers, white-trash trailer park moms with snotty-nosed kids, and Mexican families traveling in slow-moving, oblivious, aisle-wide clots - between you and wherever you want to be.

• Hampshire - A little town in the middle of nowhere. balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls of Steel!

• Hanover Park - The quite-proclaimed Canadian place in Illinois. There is small neighborhood called Ontarioville: that means Hanover Park is mostly populated by Canadians eh? Western terminus of the appropriately-named Elgin-O'Hare Expressway.

• Harvard - Some lost Harvard University graduates had settled here in this area, after realising they are really not so goddamned special or intelligent for that matter. Home of the Northern Illinois Center for Bovine Divinity. The residents hold an annual worship festival, "Milk days" in which offerings of milk are laid at the feet of the Holy Holstein, the Cow God, "Harmilda". During the Milk Days festival, large breasted women go topless, wearing holstein style body paint, and asking bystanders to "Milk" them. A "Best Udders" compeTITion is also held.

• Harvey - Most crime-ridden suburb in Illinois. Avoid.

• Hazel Crest -

• Harwood Heights - Yet another dinky suburb that doesn't deserve to exist and thrives entirely on speeding ticket revenue.

• Hazel Crest -

• Hebron - The witchcraft capital of Illinois. Big topic at the barber shop is the state high school basketball championship back in '68.

• Hickory Hills -

• Hillside - Three Interstate overpasses, Interstate 88, Interstate 290 and Interstate 294 are subject to collapse due to traffic and trolls. This is why they call it the Illinois Trollway. Al Capone is buried in Hillside; according to legend, at midnight when the moon is full, his spirit rises and roams the night wondering where the hell Hillside is.

• Highland Park - Fans pass by Michael Jordan's house and stalk him and his family 24/7 and follow them wherever they go. When you drive through this area, look for the number "23". There are also mega-shnazzy bar/bat mitzvahs.

• Hinsdale - Quite possibly the best town in all of the world, with hot bitches to compliment the extravagant houses. Miles ahead of Oak Brook (poorville) in every aspect.

• Hodgkins - That's were the medical term Hodgkin's disease got its name from. FedEx and UPS rules this village, some packages might contain marijuana or cocaine in them.

• Hoffman Estates - AKA Hoffman's Mistake. How do we bring tourists to our barren suburban shithole next to the highway? MINOR LEAGUE HOCKEY STADIUM!!!

• Homer Glen -

• Hometown - AKA Homotown. According to a 2003 census, there are 755 people here living in 925 cemented-down duplex trailer homes. 800 of them are taking government hand-outs.

• Homewood -

• Huntley - Home to Chicago's first living cemetery, Del Webb's Sun City. Elgin dwellers spend there weekends at the outlet mall where all the defective merchandise is sold.

• Indian Head Park - Site of a historic mass decapitation of Native Americans.

• Inverness -

• Itasca - Notable for Two Pierce Place (see photo at right), notoriously Chicagoland's most phallic building. Five miles due west of O'Hare Airport; eastern terminus of the aforementioned Elgin-O'Hare Expressway.

• Johnsburg - Originally derived and adopted from a major South African city Johannesburg.

• Joliet - Chicagoland's prison city, it is home of the Stateville Correction Center and prison (aka Fox River) where seven inmates escaped in around 2006 and two out of seven never caught: Michael Scofield and Lincoln Burrows.

• Justice - where political power buys you freedom. Town motto is "There's no justice in Justice. However, there are alot of niggers."

• Kenilworth - Wealthiest suburb in Illinois. "Please, sir. We are poor Evanstonian children. May we have some of your goodies?"

• La Grange - Birthplace of Ron Jeremy and David Hasselhoff, not surprising as they are brothers. Also the place where Laurence Olivier and Oscar Wilde once met by chance, making it the most British place in Chicagoland. Also home to all of the students that go to Lyons Township, who are all extremely poor and scummy beyond any human belief.

• Lake Barrington -Just like Barrington, but snobbier, 'Cuz we gots da LAKE, and you don't'

• Lake Bluff - Lake Forest's retarded little sister.

• Lake Forest - The Malibu of Illinois, where wealthy people hide. Cops are all over the street. So don't bring your rotten car in this area. You are surrounded by materialistic people. What a creative name for a city.

• Lake In The Hills - (abbreviated L.I.T.H.) Noted for its lake nestled within its hills. Except when there there no water in the lake. Then it is called Mud In The Mounds.

• Lake Villa - Every goddamned Canada Goose in all of Lake County lives and shits here.

• Lake Zurich -

• Lakewood -

• Lansing -

• Lemont -

• Libertyville - Ironically named town is defined by paternalist and business-protectionist ordinances.

• Lily Lake -

• Lincolnwood -

• Lindenhurst - Suffering from a chronic inferiority complex due to having to share a zip code with Lake Villa, Lindenhurst overcompensates with macho swagger by issuing traffic tickets for violations like 46 in a 45 zone. Lindenhurst is also notable for having a head shop 100 yards from the police station.

• Lisle - The suburb with the never-ending road construction. This may be blamed on kickbacks from the mob.

• Lockport - We have a power plant.

• Lombard - Basically a placeholder to prevent the Villa Park rabble from spilling over into Glen Ellyn.

• Long Grove -

• Lyons -

• Lynwood -

• Manhattan - Is this cornfield seriously considered a suburb these days?

• Maple Park - You think that this town is still part of Chicagoland? 33% of Maple Park is part of Kane County, the rest of it is DeKalb County. But the town still retains the area code 815.

• Marengo - best know for sheltering crackheads and making "having fun" illegally.

• Markham -

• Matteson -

• Maywood -

• McCook -

• McHenry - Voted worst place to live in Illinois five times running.

• Medinah -

• Melrose Park - aka Jewel/Osco-land, the Immigration and Naturalization Service are subject to raid the Jewel grocery distribution center once a year. The Mexican and the Italian immigrants are in a fight with each other for the taste of their food.

• Merrionette Park - Home of the worlds oldest, slowest puppet show.

• Mettawa -

• Minooka- The land of shadow, where demons stalk the living and the dead teach high school. Oh, and there's a Circle K here too.

• Mokena -

• Monee -

• Montgomery -

• Mooseheart - Suburb of ElkBladder.

• Morton Grove - 2/3 of the population in this village are Jews and 1/3 are Asians including Chinese, Filipino and Korean. Salt capital of the world. Ice is uncommon in Morton Grove.

• Mount Prospect - There was once a fist fight in this city. Elevation: 0. Also mentioned in Blues Brothers for 2.312 seconds.

• Mundelein - Once the location of a major junction of a highly efficient, modern, intercity electric rapid transit system, since turned in to a bike path. Bring a blade on the trail or you will get raped.

• Naperville - Yuppies may be hunted here, but only with a permit.

• New Lenox - Yuppies roam free here, and may be hunted without a permit and out of season. You might actually be looking for Joli, Orland , Frankf, Lincoln-Way Central High School and not even know it! Luxury homes and schools were blown up to make way for the extended I-355 tollway.

• Niles - The fake Tower of Pisa where Christopher Reeve (as "evil Superman") stopped by to film Superman 3. Shopping centers are now a hot spot for celebrities.

• Norridge - Often referred to as Snore-ridge, or Bonerridge, it is considered occupied Chicago after Daley I's Council Wars in which the 16th Police District mounted a battle to take the Harlem-Irving Plaza. It is rumored that the morning after the battle Daley I rode a tank through the wrecked Bungalows, and commented, "I love the smell of burning topiary in the morning, it smells like... victory."

• North Aurora - Where ice cream comes from.

• North Barrington - Barrington, Barrington Hills, and North Barrington all split over disagreements about busy-body village ordinances. They are in perpetual competition for the most rediculous policies, property values, and tax rates.

• North Chicago - actually to the north of other towns between it and Chicago.

• North Riverside -

• Northbrook - The next Orange County of Illinois.

• Northfield - The wannabe BAMF town, fails miserably.

• Northlake - Home of the grocery distribution center, Dominick's. Northlake and Melrose Park are at war with each other! See Melrose Park for more details.

• Oak Brook - Corporate home of McDonald's. Classier and wealthier than it's nouveau riche neighbor, Hinsdale. Much better than Hinsdale with better restaurants, houses and shops.

• Oak Lawn - Famous for its lint museum. Home of Michael Flatley (Lord of the Dance), Kanye West (wrote the song "George Bush Hates Black People"), and home to Christ Hospital; the only hospital within 100 miles of Chicago. According to the National Census, if you live in Chicago, you have a 98% chance of being shot, so you will most likely spend some time in this city.

• Oak Park - Earnest Hemingway hated this place, which means he actually did get something right.

• Oakwood Hills -

• Old Mill Creek -

• Olympia Fields - No Olympics here until 2016, that's were the proposed Olympic village for international athletes of Chicago 2016.

• Orland Park - This place here is nothing but playing golf. Famous players like Tiger Woods, Michelle Wie, Annika Sorenstam would still pass by this village.

• Oswego - Seven Inmates from Fox River prison invaded this town. Dwellers enjoy driving really fucking far to work.

• Palatine - The place where the Brown's Chicken Massacre happen. A serial killer murdered almost every worker like a Bonnie and Clyde-type shootout just to get the secret KFC recipe.

• Palos Heights -

• Palos Hills -

• Palos Park -

• Park Forest -

• Park Ridge - AKA 'Home of the Nickle Millionaire'. The birthplace of America's favorite screaming bitch, Hillary Clinton.

• Peotone - AKA Pee-a-ton. What a well thought out, centralised, useful location for an international airport.

• Phoenix -

• Pingree Grove -

• Plainfield - A tornado runs through this town every 2.3 seconds. When I graduated Plainfield High School in 2001, there was only one high school. Now there's about 83, but hey, who's counting? Degenerate scumbags by the thousands flock to this area from the ghetto, only to find that they have now created their own mini-ghetto.

• Plano - Like Plainfield, but instead of tornadoes, its Mexicans.

• Posen - Bordered by two expressways. White people from Chicago housing projects were forced to live here in the early 60's to make room for negroes and Mexicans. Bar on every corner.

• Prairie Grove -

• Prospect Heights - When gold was discovered here in 2012, 1,800 people died when there was a traffic jam to get to it. The site of the traffic jam is now a Starbucks.

• Richmond -

• River Forest -

• Riverdale - Home of Archie. Stay out of Riverdale!

• Riverside - Designed by Frederick Law Olmsted, shortly after he was bitten by a rabid spider monkey. Famed for its non-Euclidean street system.

• Riverwoods - Recently in 2008, the village was nicknamed the swimming and diving capital of Illinois. In hairy vintage unshaven muffs.

• Robbins - The ice cream capital of Illinois, Robbins was known as Baskin-Robbins before Baskin left to join Blue Island. Robbins is famous for having 21 flavors (Baskin took the other 10 in the divorce).

• Rockdale -

• Rolling Meadows - Despite it's name, this city is flat and full of ugly people and children. Also know as "Rolling Ghettos" for its now mainly mexican community.

• Romeoville - So named because it resides near to Chicago's prison city, "Joliet". The only joke here is the searing illiteracy of its founders.

• Roselle - A Metra train once derailed in this city, killing 900. The train was then elected mayor. Crime in the city has now skyrocketed.

• Rosemont - This is a quite Vegas-like village, glamorous hotels, finest restaurants, nightclubs, and a stadium where you could watch wrestling. The rose flower tower is the landmark of the village. Airplane noises coming to/from O'hare bothers the village and planes are subject to crash in this town. The village is also ringed by congested Interstate toll highways, Interstate 90, Interstate 190 and Interstate 294. The highway interchange in Rosemont is one the boring roads in Illinois. The residents of this "village" pay a token dollar in property taxes every year, as the suburb is the founding memeber of the O'Hare parasite suburbs conference, whose sole purpose is to annoy Chicago by sucking off the success of the airport it built.

• Round Lake - Contrary to popular belief, the lake in Round Lake is actually hexagonal. It was designed by the late Pablo Picasso, who was passing through during a wild goose hunt for the mall in Gurnee. Home of Waldo, who cannot be found in Round Lake.

• Round Lake Beach - Considered changing its name some years ago to avoid the association with neighboring Round Lake, Round Lake Heights, and Round Lake Park, so that white Round Lake Beach residents wouldn't have to learn to speak Spanish. Regional capital of psycho-girlfriend car dragging deaths.

• Sauk Village -

• Schaumburg - aka Scumburg, This city is the home of the first space shuttle launch, where I once got burned. Also the birthplace of Spandex. Widely known for Woodfield Mall and nearby Streets of Woodfield -- the former known for overpriced stores; the latter known for millions of teenagers and white kids who like to show off their Ricers. Many beautiful skyscrapers located in the middle of scenic parking lots next to the highway.

• Schiller Park - A collection of slums, bars, and sweatshops, sandwiched between fag-infested forest preserves, railroad yards, and Ohare Airport.

• Shorewood -

• Skokie - It's Illinois' Jewish village, home to millions of Jews. Mel Gibson is banned there!

• Sleepy Hollow - The scariest place in Illinois. It is also well known for that one road that the speed limit is only 25mph. The cops in this city are ghey. There is a Best Buy in this city.

• South Barrington -

• South Chicago Heights -

• South Elgin - Train museum, and that's about it. The prosperous walled city-state of Thornwood is located within its boarders.

• South Holland - The faithful and religious suburb of Chicago. But there will be a new college opening in the future which is called the South Holland Institute of Technology. It is located far off between I-294 and I-94.

• Spring Grove -

• St. Charles - Parallel universe to Geneva.

• Steger -

• Stickney - Something smells like shit here. Oh, wait, it is shit. It has one of the largest waste plants, where all of Chi's leavings flow.

• Stone Park - Home of 500 porn shops and sleazy motels, all located on 5 blocks of Mannheim road.

• Streamwood - The stream here was damned to make way for a dam.

• Sugar Grove -

• Thornton -

• Tinley Park -

• Union - The place where they store all their railroad garbage and equipment until it decomposes.

• University Park -

• Vernon Hills - A place with too many stores and not enough common sense!

• Villa Park - Home of the most badass dudes in all of Illinois. Also home to Ovaltine. The town's primary tourist attraction is a giant hole in the ground, which should tell you something about the place.

• Volo - Doesn't actually exist. Residents are urged to ignore the signs and that part of their address that says something about their residing in Volo. Volo doesn't exist.

• Wadsworth - Yes, that's what it's worth, all right.

• Warrenville - Sister city to Buffetton and Zevonburg.

• Wauconda - The apple capital of Illinois, cheapskate Chicagoans didn't want to buy apples from Washington for the Chicagoland market but instead, they borrow apples from the apple producing farms. Every road in town is named Old Rand road.

• Waukegan - An Algonquin word, meaning, "The Good Land," aka, "Milwaukee To the South (w/o Beer)". Murder capital (per capita) of Illinois, surpassed in the Mid-West US only by Gary, Indiana, and Detroit, Michigan. (But said to be making a comeback. Go, little trash town, go!). Hometown of Jack Benny and Ray Bradbury, and thus several Bradbury Schools, Bradbury Parks, and so forth, each occupied by approximately 17,000 kids who can't read Bradbury because it's not in Spanish.

• Wayne - Suburb Of Garth.

• West Chicago - Home of numerous mexicans

• West Dundee - Not to be confused with East Dundee. Elginites flock here in order to go to the mall and find something to do with their crappy lives.

• Westchester - Formerly known as the WestMolester.

• Western Springs -

• Westmont - Worthless town that takes pride in having a dead Blues musician die here.

• Wheaton - The city with more churches per person than actual people. Home of Wheaties.

• Wheeling - Has been in a pissing contest with Buffalo Grove since the latter got its own zip code.

• Willow Springs - Large railyard is Chicago's link to fine Chinese imports.

• Willowbrook -

• Wilmette - That Friday the 13th guy lives here. Also that Home Alone kid. And that shower curtain ring guy. Oh yeah, Fall out Boy is from here too.

• Winfield -

• Winnetka - Home to New Trier High School, the 4,000 most spoiled kids in the Chicago area. They are so rich they pay $5000 to park in peoples' driveways. Also has the world's most bendy trees.

• Winthrop Harbor -

• Wonder Lake -

• Wood Dale - If you live here and don't speak Spanish, you probably speak Polish. If you don't speak Spanish nor Polish, you probably don't live here.

• Woodridge - One of the horniest cities in America.

• Woodstock - Originally named Punxsutawney. Noted for horrendous traffic jams at the narrow Metra railroad overpass bottleneck on Route 47.

• Worth - Worthless.

• Yorkville - Named after dead actor Dick York, who smoked himself to death in bed, while popping pain pills.

• Zion - The last free place where Neo and all the other humies lives. Constantly under attack by the machine race. Famous for there being no spoons and lost of people wearing black suits and sunglasses. Gordan Freeman attacked it last year because Neo called him, "Geeky" because he can't go super slow mo like the Neo, and if anyone knows Freeman they knows he HATES bieng called geeky and will crowbar anyone to death who says it. All of the stores in this town close at 8pm on weekdays, 5-6pm on weekends, and as early as 1pm on holidays. Zion has shitty bus service where the busses dont run on Sundays leaving people trapped in this boring town and busses don't run after 7pm. Train service to Zion has been inadequate since 1963 when the North Shore Line collapsed. The high school basketball team won the state championship for the first time in its 68 year history. Zion is notorious for taking away the fun by getting rid of the paddleboats, closing the ice and roller rinks getting rid of the gameroom in the leisure center that has nothing in it and is notorious for cutting events short this past year such as the carnival closing at 10pm instead of 11pm, the fireworks being too short, and the labor day parade being too short.

[edit] Northwestern Indiana

The Illinois-Indiana state line is the Israel-Palestine border of Chicagoland. Blacks and whites are killing each other along the boundary. Huge city-quality fireworks are legal in Indiana and every 4th of July holiday people rush to this state and buy those big explosives and light them in their backyard. People buying these fireworks can lead the whole Chicagoland an earthquake.

• Burns Harbor -

• Cedar Lake -

• Chesterton - The gymnastics capital of Indiana.

• Crown Point -

• Dyer - Cigarettes, fireworks, and angry people.

• East Chicago - This is not in Illinois, for stupid Chicagoans who are still in Illinois and wanted to view the Chicago skyline, they will realize that they are in the wrong state.

• Gary - Basically a dead city, lokks and feels alot like the Soviet Union. Also known as Jackoland. After Michael Jackson including his family fled this place, Gary is the most crime-ridden suburb in the Chicago area (outside of Illinois). It's also the noisiest city in America. Steel mills are getting rusty in this area, after the unions priced themselves out of jobs.

• Griffith - Also known as the real G.I. to the local residents. The only thing worth mentioning about this town is that it was mentioned in the movie "A Christmas Story" when the stupid dad talked about some stupid hick from Griffith getting eaten by a 500 foot tall cockroach.

• Hammond - The well known landmark in the city is the Commonwealth Edison (or Northern Indiana) power plant which serves Chicago and Indiana. This is visible as far as downtown Chicago in the lake front and when you drive towards Chicago (I-90). The power plant owner are still fighting in court. It is also one of the places where you can buy huge fireworks legally before you can smuggle them into Illinois. But use the interstate highways instead of ordinary roads, Illinois cops are patrolling along the Indiana border for buying large fireworks or your car will be impounded! Also, fuck this place, man.

• Highland -

• Hobart -

• Kouts -

• Lake Station - There are two ways to get to Chicago, The Indiana Toll Road (I-90) or Indiana Free Road (I-80/94) but take I-80/94 if you don't have enough money to pay the fucking tolls.

• Lowell -

• Merrilville - More square footage in billboard space than all homes combined. Plus there's a kickass parking lot with it's own mall!

• Munster - Famous for its Muenster cheese farm outside of Wisconsin. Famous residents include Fred Gwynne and Yvonne DeCarlo.

• New Chicago - Because these hicks are too good for regular Chicago.

• Ogden Dunes -

• Portage -

• Schneider -

• Schererville -

• St. John - Chicagoland's most Catholic village. Mention of any other saints will result in prosecution.

• Town of Pines -

• Valparaiso -

• Whiting - All-you-can-eat crude oil and fresh perch buffet every Thursday. Also home to the nation's only high school namesaked for George Rogers Clark; every graduate receives a coonskin diploma.

[edit] Southeastern Wisconsin

Chicagoans (see Shitcagoans) will often vacation in places they claim to hate and are inadequately grateful to the population of Wisconsin, whom they deem as their lowly caretakers. Wisconsinites have their revenge on Chicagoans by urinating in their Old Style and overcharging them for cheese and lodging.

• Bristol - Home of the Renaissance Faire. Each year a referendum to change the name of the town to "Dweebville" is voted down as redundant and unnecessary.
• Burlington -
• Delavan -
• Elkhorn -
• Genoa City - Not to be confused with Genoa, IL. One is in the farmfields of Illinois; the other in the farmfields of Wisconsin.
• Kenosha - A family-oriented community between Chicago and Milwaukee. Home of really bad television.
• Lake Geneva - Wisconsin's tourist trap for Chicago's suburbs.
• Paddock Lake -
• Pleasant Prairie - Home to the largest population of copulating prairie dogs the world has ever seen. Famous chiefly for a clot of so-called outlet malls that sell things at the same price you'd find them everywhere else.
• Silver Lakes -
• Somers -
• Twin Lakes - where Chicagoans move when they realize Chicago sucks afterall.
• Walworth -
• Whitewater - President Bill Clinton has bought land here during his presidency. Today it known for its whitewater rafting, which is also President Clinton's favorite sport.

[edit] Milwaukee

Little city that supplies Shitcagoans their piss water beer (no really, they piss in a barrel every day at noon and call it "Old Style"). Milwaukee and its suburbs are part of Chicagoland.

[edit] Milwaukee's suburbs

• Bayside - Where the watermelons grow.
• Brown Deer - they're actually more of a tan.
• Brookfield - Mobster Al Capone made bathtub gin in his home here Brookfield, WI (not to be confused with Brookfield, IL, which is home to the famous zoo which features the one-eyed, one-horned flying Shitcago wombat (or as the zookeepers call it..."Oprah").
• Butler
• Caledonia
• Cedarburg - All the charm of South Beloit but without the sophistication.
• Cudahy
• Elm Grove - Like Illinois' Elk Grove, only less assholes live here.
• Fox Point
• Franklin - The remaining farmland in the Chicago-Milwaukee metropolitan area.
• Germantown
• Glendale
• Greendale
• Greenfield
• Hales Corners
• Lac La Belle
• Lannon
• Menomonee Falls
• Mequon
• Muskego
• Oak Creek - The first village you pass by before you hit the Milwaukee city limits.
• Pewaukee
• Port Washington
• Racine - Home of S.C. Johnson Wax Co.
• River Hills
• Shorewood
• South Milwaukee - Guess where this town is?
• St. Francis
• Sussex
• Sturtevant - Why the hell is the train stopping? Something must be wrong. We're all gonna die here.
• Theinsville
• Wales - The most Welsh place trapped in America.
• Waukesha - The gymnastics capital of Wisconsin. The cartoon character voice gymnast twins Paul Hamm and Morgan Hamm lives there. The other Wisconsin gymnast is from West Allis, her name is Chellsie Memmel who is also a "Dairy Princess" wannabe.
• Wauwatosa
• Whitefish Bay - also known as Whitefolks Bay.
• West Allis - Oktoberfest and Beerfest are held in this village. English and German are official here, so people are bilingual. Part of West Allis is a famed landmark were the 43° North latitude and 88° West longitude meets, making it a destination for visitors. The 88 degree latitude shares a Chicago suburb with Elk Grove Village. See Elk Grove Village for more details. A "Dairy Princess" gymnast in the planet Chellsie Memmel lives in this community. She goes to a state fair every weekend to meet her fans.
• West Bend
• West Milwaukee - Bedroom community for the Milwaukee Brewers and their fans. Also the Drunk Driving Capital of the World.
• Wind Point

[edit] See Also

• Dubai
• Chicago Public Radio