Chipotle

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“Oh do fuck me! I thought this was Taco Bell!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Chipotle

[edit] The Origin of Chipotle

The fast food restaurant chain, Chipotle, was thought to be originated in Denver, Colorado. The actual origins behind Chipotle go back to the ancient Mayans where the term chipo-til refers to a mythical gnome who was believed to dwell in the ancient rain forests of Mexico. The legend goes that a chipo-til was caught taking a shit behind the hut of one Tepachitili, an old man who ran a small eatery outside the Mayan city of Chichen Itza. (BTW..his little eatery was best known for the fried tapir testicles with beans and fire ants on a corn husk.)

The old man, so startled by the sight of this creature unloading his shorts behind his hut, that he made a quick prayer to the Jaguar god. The chipo-til hopped up, and took off in a cartoon "running" style (with sound effects) made popular in early Hanna-Barbera animations. The little gnome disappeared and left a what looked like a golden-green pepper-like object.

The old man bent down and picked up the nifty little gift the creature left. He then sniffed at the prize, and bit off the end. The fuax-turd had a smokey flavor unlike a fried beetle larva smoked in the dung of a capybara.

Later that night, the old man put a plan into action to capture the chipo-til. He took a box, lifted up one end, stuck in a stick length-wise and tied a string to it. For bait, he used an or-eo confection made of over-processed wheat and filled with a sweet filling of tapir lard and sweetcane juice. The old man then hid in a bramble patch, which was a bad idea since the bramble spines kept poking him in his testicles.

Then he waited.

After three hours of waiting, the old man noticed a movement in the nearby jungle. Then he saw the little gnome, the chipo-til. The aloof creature slowly stepped up to the box/contraption, noticed the or-eo underneath, and couldn't resist the temptation to take the bait. The old man pulled the string and snapped the trap shut on the gnome. He reached in a grabbed the chipo-til by his foot and held it up before him.

"You left something behind my hut which I thought was quite delicious. You will now be my slave and produce this most excellent delectable snack food!" ..exclaimed the old man. "I will call your flavorful turd, chipotle !! boasted the old fart. "I will create a new food item, and will refer to it as a.. a.. burrito!! And thousands will come to my hut to eat my creation, and your tasty poo!!"

The creature pleaded, "Please! I'll do as you ask! Just don't hurt me!"

So Tepachitili took the captive gnome back to his hut and put him in a cage where the poor little gnome took many tasty dumps in flour tortillas to feed the hungry stomachs of the Mayans.

And for a millennium until this very day, Chipotle is the place to get a gut busting burrito made by Mexicans and other disgruntled employees who don't wash their hands after they use the restroom.

[edit] What Will You Have On Your Burrito?

Chipotle has a small simple menu. In addition to burritos, you can also get fajitas, tacos, and salads. But who gives a shit about those? You can get chicken, steak, carnitas, vegetarian and barbacoa (spicy beef) on your burrito to start. You can also add rice, beans and a plethura of veggies, guacamole, and salsas to it as well. Chipotle also offers other items to add to your burrito if you so wish. (These items are subject to availability)

They are:

• Pelican
• Magic Mushrooms
• Fire Ants (a local favorite)
• Shoe Polish
• Grimey Gooshy Gopher Guts
• Mutilated Monkey Meat
• Dirty Little Birdies Feet
• Used Band-Aids
• Jew
• E-Coli
• Crack Cocaine

...to name a few

This page is a work in progress But let's give it a chance. The author will finish it later. Or maybe not. Should they choose the latter, within seven days, this page will not exist anymore. Now, go away! This page will be re-checked on 19:23, 29 May 2007