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This Admin has successfully beaten the crap out of many,
“It's like god jizzed in my mouth.”
“Chocolate! Chocolate!!! CHOOOOOOOCLAAAAAATE!!!”
“The color runs in the family I guess.”
Chocolate was created from magic beans by Myaztec Inc. and is considered by most as an addictive drug. The magic beans were ground and mixed with mud to produce a bitter, disgusting beverage from which the natives, having had their taste-buds permanently dulled from constantly snorting a magical white powder which they also discovered, drank anyway with no problem. The men were particularly happy with the beverage because it made their women somewhat less unpleasant during the time of the month which they referred to as "The time when women are no longer women, but unholy wretched devil beasts." The word "chocolate" comes from a Swiss German word meaning "orgasm in the mouth". Now, chocolate is made from cocaine, goat feces and people feces.
- 1 The History of Chocolate
- 2 Chocolate as money
- 3 Chocolate as paving
- 4 Chocolate as snack for fat he-shes
- 5 Chocolate as a drug
- 6 Chocolate as a means of communication
- 7 Chocolate Cookies
- 8 Chocolate around the World
- 9 Chocolate as band-aids (or groupies)
- 10 Other Chocolates
- 11 Ingredients
- 12 Brewing it
- 13 Humorous ways of misspelling chocolate
- 14 See also
The History of Chocolate
Contrary to popular belief, chocolate was not first manufactured by Willy Wonka, Hershey's, Cadbury's or Nestle. Its necessary
spices drugs are mined on the distant celestial bodies of Europa and Io by the people of Food That Looks Like Poo Inc. They combined the drugs with magic chocolate beans with a mad degenerate European professor whose name shall not be mentioned. Refined chocolate is irresistibly delicious, but can prove fatal.99% of chocolate is found to be made with the same plant as cocaine for its alertness effects.
Chocolate is carefully made and crafted in your grandmas basement along with cat fur and pandas. Chocolate has very high nutritional values from the amount of cocaine and cat hair inside. Most children like to eat chocolate on a regular basis. Not only does it cure stress but it is also made with MILK which has a high vitamin A content. Chocolate is also from the cocoa bean which makes it perfect for vegetarians. The cocoa bean is one of the richest antioxidants on this Earth, making one look younger and infact sweeter on the inside! haha Unfortunately due to the nature of this gift sent from the supreme beings from above; only those that have consumed chocolate before October 11, 2000 will be able to survive the 2012 asteroid attack on planet Earth. Until then happy eating!
Chocolate as money
Chocolate serves as currency for exchange of goods in the Happy Land of the Gumballs. Many Gumballers complained that this currency melted in their hands, not in their mouth. But until the invention of the M&M coin, President George W. Bush of Happy Land did nothing about it. After the democraps moved in, the Palin or Peanut War swept the country and left tens of thousands of Gumballers dead, maimed, or in severe need of dental floss.
President George Washington was much criticized for his failure to send in troops to stop the Gumball genocide, but then, he had a piece of candy of his own in the office that he was working on at the time. How ironic.
Chocolate as paving
It is also rumored that Willy Wonka was able to build a entire fortress made of chocolate in the desert, but anthropological excavations have revealed nothing but puddles of chocolate mixed with sand. Yuck.
Chocolate as snack for fat he-shes
The island of overweight Amazon hermaphrodites, Belgium, has built up a racial immunity to the poisonous snack and it makes up a great deal of their diet. Their mothers are also overgrown apes who eat the other kind of bananas. Preferably covered in ...
However, some other, rather more stubborn countries, refuse to adapt into a way that would generally be deemed acceptable by native chocolate eaters. A perfect example of this is, obviously, the U.S.A. The U.S.A, recognized across the rest of the world as 'The beautiful land of the arrogant obesities', has no doubt taken the discovery of Chocolate by storm. Writing books about it, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, creating films, Blood and Chocolate, and in some cases openly worshiping it, as was discovered people were doing after the discovery of the Magnum Equador.
This country has, in traditional glory, refused to change to a become a better more modern race, and thus has refused to adapt their eating habits and exercise habits to accommodate the impending deliciousness of chocolate and other sugary treats. Thus, it's people became obese, lazy and extremely unhealthy citizens.
No doubt people have questioned whether to cut of sanctions of chocolate to the U.S, but after a satellite picture revealed that the U.S had become a black hole for chocolate, a fear was created that should it be restricted, the people would spontaneously combust, covering the rest of us in large, bloody, amounts of fat. chocci is vair gooooood
Chocolate as a drug
It is widely believed that chocolate is a drug, but this is of course false. Chocolate is required for normal human function. Without chocolate, the entire female population would suffer from 24/7 PMS. This would result in the vast majority of the male population either being brutally murdered or committing suicide, to avoid being brutally murdered by hordes of semi-sane females in the hope that they may contain traces of chocolate. If the disappearance of chocolate occurs at the same time as a shortage of caffeine, the world will definitely implode. Chocolate is the greatest invention by a man for a woman, since if a man is being attacked by a woman during PMS or "Bitchzilla", he can throw a bar of chocolate in the opposite direction and the woman will chase after it, giving the lucky man time to escape. Squeeze boobs, fuck ladies, have gay sex in chocolate, who cares? Do some damn shit in chocolate, Fuck yeah!
Also, contrary to Popular Belief, you can snort chocolate. To do so, grind it into a powder like substance, then place on a small mirror. Bring nose close to the mirror with ground chocolate on it and put index finger over one nostril. Now, while making a loud sucking nose, breathe in through open nostril and inhale chocolate.
Chocolate can be inhaled by taking a puffer and putting chocolate sauce and breathing into it.
Chocolate as a means of communication
When used as a phone, chocolate becomes the hottest thing ever to make calls. Telephones made of chocolate are found most often in the hands of teenagers and 20-somethings who aren't emo conformists
Chocolate also has a capability to play music...just not MP3s. This is because they insist you first convert your music to WMA and sync with Windows Media Player. When asked by Mac users why this is so, they responded "Why do you care? You got your melting iPhone. If you're gonna be a bitch about it, why don't you just go over there."
With its erotic connotations, chocolate is often mentioned in popular music, particularly after the mid-fifties, when censorship rules became more relaxed in the northern hemisphere. Even with this liberalization, many lyrics were misprinted or mispronounced to disguise the overt sensuality of the songs. A few can be mentioned here by way of illustration (minors should look away now):
- Black Magic Woman
- Bournville to be Wild
- Hey, Hey, We're the Munchies!
- Milk Tray a Little Tenderness
- Poppet on a String
- Put on your High-heeled Snickers
- Rolo for Beethoven
- Runaround Suchet
- Somethin' in the Aero Tonight
- Twix and Shout
- We Don't Need Another Aero
- What Becomes of the Flake and Smarties? and
- Whole Lotta Roses
If you dip the tip of your penis in a bowl of warm chocolate, the unexpected side-effect one will endure is actually a noticeably strong sugar rush; a study in Germany by one Sol Hotzneiger done on 74 men and 3 she-males proves just this. 87% of all participants even showed mild pupil dialation.
Though thought to provide an extra choconess to boring circular disks of compact breadcrumbs, the chocolate cookie was actually designed to hide the fact that it really was a biscuit. The chocolate does not serve for the purpose of flavour, but for disguise. The main purpose of this was to trick devoted chocoholics into eating other food by hiding the evidence of biscuit presence and leading them to believe that they were looking at a small choco-frisbee, of which they would not be able to resist. These types of cookies are now commonly known as digestives, only because a previous attempt was deemed ‘indigestible’.
There is also the type of cookie that is coated in chocolate. This type will use a wrapper as well as the chocolate for extra protection of the cookie within. These cookies are usually accompanied by the name of a flightless bird (flightless unless you are talking about the Peruvian Penguin) or by a combination of words, e.g. Twat + Stix = Twix. It has been said that chocolate cookies are decreasing in size, but this is false, as it is in fact the chocoholics that are becoming larger.
Chocolate around the World
Nestle Chocolate company
Nestle buys its palm oil from sources in Indonesia that destroy the rainforest which destroys habitats for countless species. They also use milk from inhumane factory farms.
Boycott Nestle... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2gHoQZP4LE. However most people love the new orang-outang flavour.
Chocolate in Switzerland
Chocolate in Japan
The Japanese have made radical innovative changes to their chocolate, as they have done with all things they get from the West. Japanese chocolate is known for being twice as sweet as regular chocolate, and taking up only one third of the space, and being able to spend long hours cramped in small places with other Japanese chocolates (this is believed to be because of all the whale meat in it). However, all Westerners should avoid Japanese chocolate, as it causes them to become fans of anime and scream "Banzai!" while running into things.
Chocolate in India
It is heard that if an Indian cop comes asking you for a toll or suspecting you of a crime you did not commit or in fact did commit you can bribe him with a bar of fresh milk chocolate. Not only is 'maa' a name for the cow god but if you mention there is milk in the chocolate it may just be considered holy. However, the hot Indian heat may be difficult to store the chocolate bars in your car in case they may be handy to bribe the next Indian cop you run into.
Chocolate in Australia
In 2010 the Good for you government banned chocolate, They accomplished their ban in a 'modest way' (according to their rigged News bulletins) by sending in the S.W.A.T. every time their chocolate sniffing dogs or chocolate detectors detected chocolate. They replaced Chocolate with something called 'Goodie Bars' which basically Chocolate without any chocolate in them, they tasted like basil mixed with olive oil but looked and smelled like chocolate. But rebels overthrew the government by revealing that the Prime minister had been eating all the Chocolate the secret police had 'disposed' of. "But they went through all that trouble just to get Chocolate back!" foreigners may say, but these 'Bootleggers' have proved that nothing is as delicious or delectable as a good old chocolate bar (We call these people 'Chocoholics').
Chocolate as band-aids (or groupies)
Chocolate has been used for yonks and yonks as a suitable replacement for groupies of all kinds (or Band-aids). Directions for use: melt chocolate in your pleasantly surprising microwave and then apply non-sparingly to the infected part of your molecular makeup. Allow to dry and then simply lick off. DO NOT hesitate to use as a glue stick as well. It works in the same way. DO NOT forget to try and LICK YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR'S Belly-Button!
The main chocolate was found by Europans, but...well...what about Cocoa? Cocoa was found on the planet Nestle (nest-lee). Cocaranum (translates to Cocoa in human lang.) can exist as a solid, liquid, and also, but rarely, a gas. This is used to make chocolate milk. Mars bar was made in Nestle and from this was produced the warm, smooth drink Chocamento from the Klix vending machines. White chocolate is a fairly new chocolate invented by Nazi's during world war 2 as a means to show their racial superiority ... unfortunately this chocolate tasted like your mom's cooking , and like the schwiepen plan , was abolished. Also at the same time a different type of white chocolate was invented by Black African nations so that they do not bite their fingers by accident everytime they eat chocolate.It is interesting to know that white chocolate is also a term used to describe white people trying to act black. aka. chris the gangsta :)
Some chocolate has been found in the form of sound, like the wispa, but it was bettered by a far superior wispa gold and sound broke!
Nestlians found that by adding Caramellium (translates to "caramel" on Earth) makes the chocolate taste much better. They made it, and shipped it to Earth.
- Chocalate (Chocolate) (Very important mineral on Europa)
- Cocaranum (Cocoa) (Rich mineral on Nestle)
- Marsmellows (Marshmellows) (A rare element (Ms) found on Mars in 2201)
- Caramellium (Caramel) (Abundant, liquid mineral on Nestle, Aldebr'aan, and Sierrava)
- Glass and a half of Orangus Juicus (Liquid received from Australian endangered Albino Bananas, discovered by that guy over there.)
- Soylent Green
- Whippilus Creamus (Whipped Cream) (discovered by Harvey Columbo, who discovered 103 uses for whipped cream, most notably the treatment of testicle/scrotum infections, which is commonly recognized in the field of medicine)
- Supermodel Dust
- Milk from the finest most beautiful cows in the universe
- Cocoa Beans from the finest jungles in the universe
- Ohyeahletseatnowum a unique special hormone only thought to have been discovered in the Fountain of Youth
First take the Minerals and mix it out with a cup sand
Smash Cocaranum and sniff it in your nose
Put Marsmellows up onto your ass
Put Caramellium in your Anus
Put Organgus Juicus in your vagina (IF you not got vagina , go and get your mom's vagina)
Mix all the other onto your ass when try to lick it out
Humorous ways of misspelling chocolate
Choclet, choke, coke, choclit, choclute, Cokdik, chuclut, chuglit, choglut, CUCK, choglet, choglit, chucklet, choglud, chuglid, choclot, chuglut, chucklit, milky shit squares,Osama, choglert, chocklid, chochlud, duck, choklut, chuglet, chocklate, chacklet, choclert, chuglute, choglerd, chocklit, AAAAAAAAA!, chockled, beer, hans, chachlit, chorglet, charglit, chiclet, chodelick and Richard Simmons are the 35 funniest ways in the world of (mis)spelling the word "chocalate" (in no particular order). cuckolick Sex DOG
- Where chocolate really came from!
- Count Chocula
- Kit Kat Bar
- Chocolate Makers
- Green Chocolate
- The Land of Chocolate
- HowTo:Eat a Twix
- Box of chocolate
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