Choke-hold

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Origins[edit]

The first fart ever made on earth was so deadly that it was named "the choke hold." It would enter the lungs of others and they would start choking to death.

Magellan's Choke[edit]

In 1484, on his fourth birthday, Magellan stumbled upon the site of what remained of the Shime-Waza tribe. He searched their ruined city and found wooden bark with what appeared to be a cipher of symbols and markings. His father, taking the obvious piece of trash from his toddler son, throwing it in the trash. That night, while they slept, Magellan found his way out of his bed, into the trash, and retrieved the codes. He kept this treasure, one of his closest of possessions, until he began his Magellan Dark World Tour, in 1519.

During his trip to South Africa, Magellan found a cryptographer who specialized in lost languages. Enrique quickly noticed the ancient Shime-Waza writing and translated the text, teaching Magellan the hold that Nero the Gay Pedophile Caesar had mastered centuries before.

Magellan began using this hold on crew members and unexpected natives through the 1520's. In 1521, Magellan faced Lapu-Lapu in a Punjabi Prison match. During the match, the original 4-Horsemen interfered, forcing Lapu-Lapu to submit to a figure four leg lock applied by then, 84 year old, Ric Flair. A riot broke loose, resulting in Magellan's death by bamboo pole to the throat, a move now only legal in underground Punjabi Prison matches and Punjabi Prison itself.

Moments before the riot broke loose, Enrique took the translated documents and high tailed it out of Dodge.

Enrique wouldn't miss Magellan's warm, soft touch, too long as his own life was taken during a raid on his ship. Excluding his own, fifty lives were taken in the Nerf Battle over Salisbury. The wooden details of the Shime-Waza Choke Hold disappeared for another untold years.

The Choke Hold Cometh[edit]

The move resurfaced during an exhibition match between two lumberjacks in the Alps. Jeaugur Mostavellix used the move, suddenly surprising his opponent Frank Smith and the on looking in attendance. The play-by-play announcer threw his hands up exclaiming "By Zeus' Hands! The Choke Hold Cometh! The Choke Hold Cometh!" The crowd watched haplessly as Smith's face turned blue and the official called for the match to end.

Mostavellix refused to answer where he had learned the maneuver from and refused to perform it in front of other fighters, except in battle. This prompted many fighters to black list Mostavellix as an opponent. Then, only 6 months after the move resurfaced, another fighter, by the name of Reflux Sojourn, applied the choke hold. Mostavellix threatened to sue Sojourn unless he stopped using the move. In a shocking show of defiance, Sojourn applied the move to the messenger who told him of Mostavellix's warning. Sojourn then countered the lawsuit with a better way to handle the situation. Mostavellix versus Sojourn in the first ever Career versus Career match. Despite claims that Ric Flair lost the first Career versus Career match, Mostavellix lost, quickly, in only thirty-five seconds after Sojourn applied the chock hold.

Sojourn's Fight (Club)[edit]

Only 15 days after the match with Mostavellix, Sojourn retired as the first undefeated fighter in his area, with an astonishing record for his time of 315 straight victories in only 283 days.

Using the heightened popularity of his choke move, Sojourn opened a school to teach that and other fighting styles and maneuvers, using the same fighting ring he beat Mostavellix in. The school became the only open fighting school in the world.

Locals began to call Sojourn the inventor of wrestling, which displeased Zeus, who had started the tradition in Greek centuries before Sojourn's grandparents were getting busy. In a rage of anger, as most rages are, Zeus challenged Sojourn to a 'winner take all' match. The winner being declared the founder of modern wrestling. The matched was billed as the main event of the first ever Pay-with-Bananas-Per-View. Other matches on the card included a sumo match, a banana cream mud-like fight, and an Admins vs Admins Buttered Toast match.

The undefeated Sojourn had odds on favorite against the first time Zeus and the crowd here on their feet the whole match, due in fact that the metal folding chair wouldn't be invented for another 500 years.

The match finally ended when Senior Official Vincent J. McMahon called the match a draw, when both Sojourn and Zeus locked each other in a choke hold. With the decision, McMahon quickly named himself the founder of modern wrestling and vacated the ring before a riot broke loose.

From this point out, the choke hold began to become popular among street and cage fighting, backyard wrestling, military hell weeks and bitches who can't fight. Many different variants grew from the original hold, including the half nelson choke, the cross face choke, double cross face choke, the cross face chicken wing, the double cross face chicken wing, the double single cross face chicken wing, the arm bar cross face chicken wing, the double arm single cross face chicken wing, the cross face bar-b-que chicken wing (which is wonderful with a little blue cheese) as well as others.

The Great Barring[edit]

In the early 1900's and with the legalization of street fighting, a world commission on combat was put together to govern over these fights, to keep both the fighter safe and the audience entertained. To do this, all choke holds and choke like holds were given a mandatory 25 second count before the fighter had to break it. After the first death of a fighter due to an officials long and slow, three minute count to 25, the commission quickly changed the count to 10 seconds, hoping even the biggest retards could count to ten without someone else dieing.

This caused an outrage with fighters and fans alike. The choke had become a staple in the wrestling magazine of life, holding each match together like duct tape does the universe. Each match became more and more boring until Soviet Russian Fighting Champion Boris Plasionvichszi used a front face choke on an official as a protest against the count. Many other fighters followed the protest, choking out officials randomly in matches. This brought the World Commission on Combat to outlaw the use of officials but after some reconsideration, barred the use of chokes in any match and allowed officials back.

The Future Destroyed[edit]

The choke was hoping to make a comeback in late 2007, but due to an unknown former wrestler who theoretically killed his whole family of 14, using a Canadian Choke, unknowingly the most unknowingly non-lethal choke unknown. The choke has returned to the shadows to live the rest of its life in seclusion.

The choke was recently seen in a televised fight between Johnny "Fairplay" Dalton and Daniel "Danny" Bonaduce. By the end of the fight Dalton had lost a tooth and Bonaduce was still a giant prick.