Chris Cornell
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“He sold out.”
~ Lars Ulrich on Chris Cornell
“That guy is hot.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Chris Cornell
“He is one of my biggest influences. In fact, I wrote a song about him: "Balls On Parade"”
~ Zack De La Rocha on Chris Cornell
Chris Cornell (originally named Christoph Cornellenburger) was born yesterday, and is the spawn of Action Man and Jesus. He was lead tromboner for botanical jazz group Soundgarden, and was part of famous Texas Blues group Audioslave. He grew up on a bull farm in Alaska, which was situated on top of a radioactive waste storage facility from World War II. The only source of energy for him was to consume was helium and gravel. It was these bull-fighting, helium-sucking, gravel-gargling, freezing conditions, coupled with radiation exposure, that shaped the vocal sound that would make him famous. He grew facial hair at the age of 6, and it was discovered that he could only grow it in the shape of his trendy moustache and goatee combination. Attempts to shave this off result in noises akin to his fellow Audioslave sodomist Tom Morrello's guitar solos.
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[edit] Early Life
Originally Cornell wanted to be a Yorkshire pudding maker in a high-class English restaurant. However, this never eventuated. Cornell has stated that this is due his radiation causing the food to become indigestible. However, Jamie Oliver has said that it was just because he sucked ass. After this setback, Cornell then tried his luck as a super hero, masquerading as the Spoonman. However this was also a failure, as criminals mistook the meaning of his name and deliberately committed crimes in order to be “captured” by Cornell. These homosexual experiences have been thought to influence some of his later songs, such as “Shape Of Things To Come (On Me)”, “Drown Me Slowly (In Manly Love)”, and “(My God, It’s Hard) Like A Stone”. Cornell also joined NASA for a short time, becoming the first man in space with a goatee.
[edit] Soundgarden
After his attempts at making it in the food industry, the Justice League and NASA, Cornell decided to take up flower arranging. He won many awards for this, including Pansy of the Year 1969. At a flower arranging contest he met the rest of Soundgarden, who told him they were trying to break through into the mainstream, but none of them had trendy enough facial hair. They asked Cornell to join, and he declined. This angered Soundgarden so much that they turned Super Saiyen and drop-kicked his ass. As revenge, Cornell has sabotaged every one of their shows by standing infront of them on stage, blocking them from view, and singing/playing guitar. As a result, he is the only member of Soundgarden whose name anyone remembers.
[edit] Audioslave
After Soundgarden disbanded due to “personal differences and bowel irregularities”, Cornell decide he needed a new group in which to showcase his facial hair. When walking down the street one day to buy a pear, he heard a sound just like that which was emitted from his mo last time he attempted to shave it. Hoping to meet a man with as trendy facial hair as himself, Cornell was disappointed to find it was just some bald guy in a hat wanking off his guitar. This man turned out to be Tom Morrello, ex-guitarist from gay rights activist group Gays Against The Machine. This intrigued Cornell, and he requested to meet the rest of the band. After a lunch and a game of volley ball, Cornell, Morrello, bassist Timmy C and drummer... er... well, drummer, formed Audioslave. Their biggest hit was “Be Yourself” (originally titled 'Pee Yourself', telling of the unfortunate urinary incident that caused Cornell to leave Soundgarden). A lowlight of the Audioslave period for Chris was when an article on him appeared on a "Where are they now" television broadcast during his time in Audioslave and just before the release of, "Out of exile". He rang during the show to declare he hadn't gone anywhere but nobody on the show's panel believed him, least of all his mother. After a long and procrastinatory period of helping terrorist bring down the United State's image, the band released their third album "Revelations". After calling guitarist Tom Morello a, "hairless, self-righteous, guitar pleasuring fag with a Napoleon complex", Cornell left the band, continuing his musical career in order to earn enough money to pay for his booze and shaving cream.
[edit] Post-Fame
Now that both of Cornell’s bands have disappeared, he has been reduced to performing random acoustic sets around Mexico, and making guest appearances at Linkin Park concerts. When asked on his opinion on the band, Cornell issued this statement: “They are so self obsessed. All they would talk about is what they’ve done.” However, he also added this: “Their guitarist is the next Hendrix. As is their wicka-wicka DJ.” He also recorded a theme song for a James Bond film, but so did Madonna. So what does that tell ya.
[edit] Chris Cornell College
With the money Chris made selling his fan mail to be recycled into new paper he founded his college. He often uses the college students as a captive audience when trying new things (and also testing out new music and sounds). Note the student providing Chris with a hit song will be given an A in the class of their choice.
[edit] Scream
Chri$'$'$ debut album. Didn't fool the critics. Mr. Timbaland was given producing credits to boost poor sales. He said of the album "Just another puppet out of my closet. Pass me the chicken. Boo yeah".
[edit] Writing style
Chris Cornell is known for writing very deep and meaningful which take elements from greek mythology and the old testament. In fact, they're so deep, no one besides him understands them. For example: Seven moons and seven suns/Heaven waits for those who run.
[edit] Something funny and something funnier
It is a well known fact that to achieve his profound style of poetic writing, Chris Cornell went into a voluntary exile somewhere in the south pacific. After coming Out of Exile, he had difficulty adjusting to everyday life and found he could only communicate in Audioslave lyrics:
Chris Cornell at the eye doctor:
Eye Doctor: So what's wrong, Mr. Cornell?
Chris Cornell: I've stared straight into the sun.
Eye Doctor: You can't see anything?
Chris Cornell: I've seen 50,000 names all engraved on a stone.
Eye Doctor: So you see some things, but not other things.
Chris Cornell: Send my soul away.
Chris Cornell at a bodega where somebody's buying lotto tickets:
Old Guy: God I hope I win...
Chris Cornell: I will be your luck.
Chris Cornell returning to his home in L.A.:
Chris Cornell: I was happy in this fortress.
Chris Cornell working as a Japanese tour guide, scaring people:
Chris Cornell: I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost with a graveyard tan carrying a cross.
Chris Cornell at the DMV saying stupid things that prevent him from getting his driver's license:
Chris Cornell: I like driving backwards in the fog.
Chris Cornell screaming:
Chris Cornell: Yeahhh!
Chris Cornell interviewing at med schools:
Chris Cornell: I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget.
Chris Cornell explaining what he likes to study:
Chris Cornell: I like studying faces in a parking lot.
Chris Cornell, M.D., talking to a patient in the emergency room who really just needs stitches, nothing big:
Chris Cornell: I don't know why you're dying.
Chris Cornell getting fired from Guitar World:
Chris Cornell: I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars.
Chris Cornell giving tips on how to play hide-and-seek:
Chris Cornell: Hide in the hours before sunrise.
Chris Cornell wondering whether this will all go away:
Chris Cornell: I've got a feeling this will all go away.
Places Chris Cornell will drink you:
Chris Cornell: I will drink you in my honey.
Chris Cornell's favorite mathematical functions:
Chris Cornell: Multiply and divide.
Drown him fast?
Chris Cornell: Drown me slowly.
Wanna know what's even funnier? This was from a "professional" review. Don't believe me? Look here. Yeah seriously. That's all there was. I blame Conor Oberst.
