Chris Tarrant

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Tarrant presents a cheque for 1 million rupees for the first ever winner

Chris Tarrant (born 1 million BC, Slough, England) is the presenter for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire But Probably Won't Be? A game show in which various people answer questions in the hope of winning a million. However, what the show's producers DON'T tell the contestants is that the 'million' that they win is actually paid out in Indian rupees, the equivalent in British Pounds of about a fiver.

In the whole of history there have only ever been two winners of the coveted million rupee prize, these being President George W. Bush (see right) and Major Charles Ingram, a genius who successfully managed to cheat his way to the top prize by getting his accomplice Tecwen Buttock to cough every time the correct answer came up. It wasn't obvious at all and they completely got away with it.

Tarrant's Torrid Love Life[edit]

Unfortunately for Chris his love for being a game-show host has spilled over into his private life, with devastating results. His wife was reported to be increasingly frustrated by his constant use of the show's catchphrases in the bedroom as well as his insistence on performing in front of a live studio audience.

While she did enjoy his 'Fastest Finger' sessions, this was overshadowed by his constant 'Do you want to phone a friend?' demands for a threesome and then continuous pressuring of 'Is that your final answer?' when she would say no.

He would also have the annoying habit of going for a commercial break halfway through a passionate bout of love-making, saying 'Am I going to give it to you hard?? FIND OUT, after the break' which was supposed to give an air of suspense but only seemed to piss his wife off even more.

And it wasn't just a problem in the bedroom either. On many occasions when the couple were sitting down to discuss relationship issues, Tarrant would insist on asking his wife things in the show's popular format of a multiple-choice question. For example:

"OK, here's the next question. Have a look at it, take your time. OK, here it comes. 'Am I sleeping with someone behind your back?' Is the answer: a) Yes, with next-door's wife, b) Yes, with your Mother, c) Yes, with the cat or d) No, but I do bang one out regularly over various gay pornos. Remember at this stage you still have all three lifelines and you could still walk away'

(The answer was usually d)

Charity Work[edit]

Chris's original marriage to Pacman ended in disaster as the sex was extremely difficult

In 2001 Chris was awarded an OBE for his charity work, which includes being an ambassador for the Society for Fallen Women, and the Madame FooFoo Society for Old Whores.

The next year he shaved his entire body and ran across the whole of the UK naked, backwards. When asked what charity this was all in aid of, a puzzled Tarrant said 'Charity?!? It's not for charity! I'm just a bit bonkers, me!! Fnarr!!! B'tang!! B'TANG!!! See?!?' he was then instantly arrested.

Early Life[edit]

It all started when as a young boy, Chris fell in love with a Quiz machine at his local pub. He would often be seen huddling around it but no-one really suspected a thing until he was caught one day frantically trying to find a hole in it to insert his penis into.

Mortified, Chris was forced to acknowledge that while indeed having a sexual fetish for multiple-choice questions was a most bizarre thing, nevertheless he was afflicted with it and would have to satisfy his urges in another way, so he decided to become a TV quizmaster instead.

Thus, he does in fact spend the whole of the Millionaire show with a permanent erection, which would be completely embarrassing but luckily his penis is so small that nobody notices.

Completely True Facts[edit]

  • Amazingly, Chris' birthday lies on EXACTLY the same day, each year.
  • Once made love to a Monster Munch when bored.
  • Currently the proud owner of 3 STDs - Herpes, Chlamydia and The Clap. Soon he is hoping to add AIDS to the collection.
  • His hobbies include going round hospitals and turning off people's life-support machines, eating the contents of ashtrays, and secretly attaching nitro boosters to old people's mobility scooters.