Jesus Christ
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“This is my blood... ... ... this is my blood... ... ... ... ”
~ Jesus on being an Alcoholic
“I'm Old Greg”
“The greatest man/God ever to walk the face of New York”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jesus
“The only Jew I ever liked...”
~ Hitler on Jesus
“He looks pretty good, keeping in mind he came out of the *censored* of The Flying Spaghetti Monster...”
~ Maria on Jesus
“I never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
~ Judas on Jesus Christ's crucifixion
“Crucifixion was an inside job”
~ Peter on Judas' betrayal
“I love Jesus, which is why I want to go to war and kill people like Jesus would have. Go America kill the Krauts!!!!”
“Christianity isn't there. I mean it's there but it's not there. It's like if you thought you had burritos in your fridge and you were like really hungry for a burrito so you went to the fridge to get a burrito. If you like opened the fridge and looked for a burrito and there wasn't a burrito then you'd be like... sad. It's like sometimes sad to know the truth but you have to know the truth 'cause it's like... true. And that is why Jesus is a burrito... Wait let me start again...”
~ An atheist on Jesus
“Oh, me!!!!”
~ Jesus on himself
Contents |
[edit] Early life
Jesus was born on December 25 0 and apparently that made a star shine brightly. Then three not so wise men brought the infant gold, frankencence, and mur which means absolutely nothing to someone who isn't even one year old yet, but at least they weren't as stingy as the shepard, who brought nothing same goes for the angel, imagine what an angel could give you, but no nothing. Jesus was immediately hunted down to be boiled or deep fried for King Herod's lunch. Herod ordered the slaughter of every baby within a one hundred mile radius, which was the sensible thing to do because he couldn't just have followed the giant glowing star or anything. Well needless to say no one slaughtered Jesus... yet.
[edit] Growing Up
Jesus was just like any other regular kid growing up, he enjoyed spending long hours in the temple talking to himself while kids chucked grapes at his head and his own parents wished he would just get hit by a bus. Even at a young age he enjoyed speaking in metaphors much like the Founding Fathers of America he refused to explain what the right to bear arms meant, and also repeatedly questioned what's a submachine gun in a feeble attempt to dodge the question. Jesus also played sports growing up, such as Jesusball, Jesustag, and everyones favorite Marko Jesus. Apparently, he had quite the complex with being the center of attention which would lead to a huge marketing scheme.
[edit] Merchandise
Claiming at ten to be the savior of mankind Jesus began marketing his W.W.J.D. (What Would Jesus Do) braclets to younger unsuspecting children. Unfortunately, most of his customers were subsequently beaten when they told their fathers and mothers they spent three silver pieces on some ten year old's bracelets. Jesus also tried to sell Christmas trees and Easter bunnies during most holiday seasons, but everyone in Bethlahem was a Grinch and told him to get a job, so he did.
[edit] Work
Like most destructive liberals, Jesus decided to disobey the man, and break just about every standard set during the time period. He aligned himself with twelve gangsters or lowlifes or as he preferred disciples: such as a conniving tax collector, some lazy fishers, and a man who he knew would ultimately betray him to his death (not due to the precognitive thing, mind you -- the guy actually said so openly, on many occasions). Jesus also refused to stone people for petty crimes, wore open-toed sandals, and talked to women. Obviously being such a rebel gained him quite the reputation among Arab Drug Lords, and their was a bounty of thirty silver pieces on his head. Needless to say Jesus was not as bright as many people said. With these twelve followers Jesus began to monopolize his merchandise industry and his career as a free thinker took off.
[edit] World of Warcraft
Like many outcasted teenagers Jesus eventually turned to World of Warcraft to brutally crush or pwn his enemies online. He started as a low mage, but by scavenging the middle-east for several cheat codes he soon became a level 80 mage and murdered all the warlocks except for Nathan Steele because Jesus loved his afro. With these newfound powers Jesus worked miracles such as being able to turn water into wine, let blind people see, allow Full House to run for nine seasons, and save you money on your car insurance by switching to Geico. However, nobody liked it because Jesus had used cheat codes which wasn't fair, and the roman goblins began to plan an assault.
[edit] Later life
Jesus began to care about some of his disciples more than the others such as John. He told John to write a book, get a deal with Walden, publish it, and then make it into a movie. He also told John to not use the names of some of the loser disciples because they suck, so Jesus changed the twelve disciples to John, Peter, Doubting Thomas, eight other guys, and... Judas Lord of the Sucky Friends.
[edit] The Last Supper
Jesus said one day that Judas was going to betray him and everybody was confused. Judas explained that with Jesus out of the picture he could hire the Russian Mafia to brutally rape the rest of them and then have complete control over Jesus's merchandise. Judas then left cackling saying how he would never regret this. Jesus then told John to snap a picture of this because it was a Kodak moment, he also told him to address a leter to Dan Brown and tell him not to go overboard on the sequels cause they're only gonna get worse. Finally, Jesus gave his final address. He told John and Peter to beware the three antichrists : Rosie O'Donnell, Squidward Tentacles, and Ronald Wilson Reagan(666). He told the other nine disciples to screw off and get lost cause they were all gonna die in a gang war.
[edit] Crucifiction
The Roman goblins got a little cocky and decided that instead of doing the honorable thing to a level 80 mage, stoning him, they would instead murder him on a cross which would subsequently become his biggest marketing ploy yet. They nailed him to a cross, killed him, and then threw him into a tomb, but just ask Gandalf that's not the way you kill a mage.
[edit] Resurection
Using his mage powers Jesus came back to life and everyone cowered behind their desks like five year olds. Jesus said he was tired and would need a few thousand years to recharge his mage powers but that he would be back. He hung Judas and framed it as suicide and then floated into heaven on a marshmellow cloud.
[edit] Sexuality
Since Jesus was the Son of God and savior of Earth the guy could have had whatever girl he wanted, and he had like four wrapped around his finger from the get-go. He was extremely skilled in the art of seduction as well, yet he never slept with a woman! Why was this? There are two possibilities: 1. He told John to erase that part because it wasn't very holy. 2. He was part of the homosexual agenda. Note: Some scholars have thrown out the idea that he may have had a small wang and bragged about saving the soul's of damned to compensate for it, but I don't know too many level 80 mages that don't hold the magic stick. Obviously, with reality's liberal bias one would assume that just like Spongebob, Frodo, and The Jonas Brothers Jesus is trying to slap all us regular guys in the face with his blatant homosexuality. After all he palled around with tweleve sweaty guys all day for half his life, that's only normal for years 8-12. Just because Jesus was gay though does not defeat the Conservative outlook that all gays are evil, and this article would like to encourage FoxNews to continue to report on how Spongebob is brainwashing your child to destroy marriage.
[edit] Jesus's Best Friends
Many people would want to know who Jesus would save if he had to choose only ten of his friends. Well scientists recently discovered a list of who would be save amongst the ruins of Confederate Victory Float.
10. Tiger Woods, mainly to get a black guy up there, but he better watch his back cause Chris Rock is coming on fast.
9. Greg Graffin, former bandmate Graffin now ruthlessly denies Jesus's existence, but Jesus believes they can work it out over a cup of tea.
8. Megan Fox, for obvious reasons even the son of God has to empty the tank sometime.
7. Stephen Colbert, heaven's number one funny man, Jesus could use a good laugh or two with all the modern talk of how he doesn't exist and "Praise Allah!!!"
6. Homer Simpson, Jesus wants the average Joe represented in heaven.
5. Osama Bin Laden, Jesus figures he's doing the whole world a favor with this one. Save Osama and when he turns out to be Bush in disguise send him back to his Texas ranch later.
4. Bill Gates, Jesus needs some money of late because three thousand bronze pieces just doesn't get you what it used to.
3. Ben Roethlisberger, Jesus is helping him write his book, "Ten things not to do after Super Bowl Victories."
2. Sarah Palin, no foreign policy experience haha, she can see Satan from her house now.
1. Spongebob Squarepants, the smartest sponge known to man, and Jesus likes his optimistic outlook on life and that he is a proponent of the homosexual agenda.
[edit] False Second Comings
First of all Gandalf screwed everything up by pretending to be Jesus only with a midget fetish. Everyone got their hopes up because their powers were so similar, but Gandalf claimed he was only a cleverly placed (now cliche) literary device. Several other fictional characters such as Aslan, Dumbledore, Yoda, Jesus of Suburbia, and Spongebob Squarepants have been misperceived as the second coming. Many people also believe that Joey Zoffel is Jesus because he refuses to take down his St. Alexis fair sign. Jesus has mistakenly returned to Earth on several occasions though. Firstly, he wanted to establish his band "Jesus and the Raped" which later became anti-religion band "Bad Religion" after Barack Obama spelled doom on the Earth. Jesus also helped Bill Grum establish his band Crippled Society and is a known and documented terrorist. Most importantly Greg Graffin, Bill Grum, Tim Tebow, Justin Trunzo, and Colton Copelin are all in Jesus's five, but he has said he might have to make room for Fred if he keeps doing that utterly hysterical high-pitched voice.
