Christian Bale
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| Name: | Christian Charles Philip Bale |
|---|---|
| Born: | 30 January 1974 Age 35 Haverfordwest, Pembrokeshire, Wales, United Kingdom |
| Occupation: | Actor/Cultist Leader/Superhero |
| Spouse(s) (Inc. Immigrant Mail-orders): | Sandra "Sibi" Blazic (2000-Present) |
“I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass!”
~ Christian Bale's response to Freud's psycho-analysis of him
“What don't you fucking understand!?”
~ Christian Bale on teaching algebra to special-needs kids
Dr. Christian Bale (born 30 January 1974) is an ethnically-confused actor, known by many for his volcanic temperament. In addition to starring roles in big budget Hollywood films, he has long been speculated as an unofficial member of the Jackass crew, an underground cage-fighter, and freestyle-rapbattler, as well as being implicated in the shooting of Roger Rabbit
Bale first caught the public eye when he was cast in the starring role of Steven Spielberg's Empire of the Sun at the age of 13. Since then, he has portrayed an EXTREMELY wide range of characters. Bale is especially noted for his cultist following, with Entertainment Weekly hailing him as one of the "Top 8 Most Powerful Cultist Leader's of the Past Decade." EW also later named Bale one of the "Most Insane People in Entertainment" in anticipation of him going postal.
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Early Life
Although Bale was born in Wales, his parents were South African-born entrepreneur, commercial pilot, and talent manager, David Bale, and English Circus Clown and Performer Jenny James. This combination of a Playboy father and an exotic, circus freak mother, would doom him into mental disease even before he was born. After leaving Wales in 1976, Bale spent his childhood in several countries, including England, Portugal and the United States of America. Christian was bullied in all of them for his accent, cruelly only managing to fully adopt a country's accent just before moving to the next one, to be bullied again. This eventually developed into Bale being unable to control his dialect when under pressure. Settling for four years in Bournemouth and Henley-on-Thames, Bale attended Shiplake C of E Primary School and Bournemouth School respectively, due to both of them being where mild-mannered (at the time) Bale was bullied the least. As a child, he trained in Guitar and Ballet, which also did not help the abuse.
He recalled his first kiss was at his mother's circus, with an acrobat called Barta, who found his mangled accent "cute". In his teenage years, Bale would discover Rugby Union. This gave him an outlet for his pent-up aggression from being bullied, enjoying being able to knock down a man twice the size of him, without fear of being given a swirly afterwards. This would be the start of his ever-developing temper. Bale's father was very supportive of his son's acting, resigning from his job as an unemployed Playboy Entrepreneur, to travel and manage Bale's burgeoning career. David Bale later married Feminist icon Gloria Steinem, who would come to conflict with the younger Bale's misogynist attitude.
Further Education
Bale was awarded a full scholarship to The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting, in Brooklyn, NY, in 1995, and graduated summa cum laude after only 4 years, with a B. S. in Tyranny at a High Volume, an M. S. in Raging Savagery, an MAEd. in Tyranny at a High Volume, an MFA in Half-Voiced Snarling, and an Ed.D. in Volcano Language. His thesis, Post-Modern Deconstructional Sexuality Epithets in the Decibel Range of Space Shuttle Escape Velocity: An Interview with Shane Hurlbut, was stolen, some say by rival Edward Norton, some say by M. Night Shyamalan, and sold to the Internet for an undisclosed sum. Bale was in the process of publishing it in mass paperback.
Career
Early Work
Before finding fame, Christian Bale first starred in the made for Television Movie Anastasia in 1986. It was an early example of his acting talent, as he was the only the only person on set who could say his character's name; Tsarevich Alexei Nikolaevich of Russia. This was followed by leading roles in the miniseries Heart of the Country, and the fantasy adventure Mio in Faraway Land,with Christopher Lee and Nick Pickard. Behind the scenes of Mio, there was an ongoing feud between Lee and Bale over who was the better actor, culminating in an assault by the 12 year-old Bale on Lee, which was split up by the cast and crew. This would prove to be a continuing trend in the Actor's life.
In 1987, Amy Irving, Bale's co-star in Anastasia, introduced him to her husband Steven Spielberg, who found it difficult to believe his wife's outlandish stories about the young actor's aggressiveness, and had to meet him as proof. Spielberg, known for his mystic ability of finding Child Stars, saw the promise that young Bale showed, and immediately cast him in his film, The Empire of the Sun, under the agreement that Bale would not aggravate or attack any of his co-stars. However, Bale would go back on this agreement, attacking not only John Malkovich, Miranda Richardson and Ben Stiller, but even the director, Spielberg himself.
After the Premiere of the film, Bale verbally assaulted the Music Composer; John Williams, for playing the music too loud during one of his monologues; a performance Russell Crowe would later replicate at his Acadamy Award Acceptance Speech. Despite the string of assaults, Bale's performance earned him widespread critical praise, and the "Best Performance by a Juvenile Actor" award from the National Board of Review of Motion Pictures. Bale at first misunderstood the meaning of "juvenile", and proceeded to assault the members of the Board, until someone explained to him the term's meaning in context.
The attention the press gave him, and the intense bullying he received from his classmates after this, took a toll on Bale, and he considered giving up acting until Kenneth Branagh approached him and persuaded him to appear in Henry V in 1989. Bale, under the false impression that Kenneth Branagh was actually Ewan McGregor, a long-time man crush of Bale's, accepted the part, only to later find out Branagh's real identity. Inevitably, this led to another assault. However, his dream eventually came true in the film Velvet Goldmine, where Christian not only got to appear next to Ewan McGregor, but got to make out with him aswell. In 1990, he played the role of Jim Hawkins in Treasure Island, opposite Charlton Heston's Long John Silver. Upon meeting the young actor, Heston wanted to get any issues the two might face out of the way, and so squared up to the virilent Bale and said to him "Take your best shot!" Bale did, and upon hitting the actor's square jaw, broke 13 out of 27 bones in his right hand. Bale would not assault another actor for 10 years.
1999-2000
In 1999, Bale played himself under the alias of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, a film adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' controversial biography of Bale. Bale was briefly dropped from the project in favor of Leonardo DiCaprio. Bale was unhappy with this, and so challenged DiCaprio to a serial-killer competition. The two were given assorted weapons and sent out onto the streets of New York, and aimed to kill as many people possible within 5 minutes without being arrested. Bale racked up at total of 47 kills, and an additional 18 injured or in shock from Bale's verbal abuse alone. DiCaprio, on the other hand, attempted to kill an old homeless bag-lady for the whole 5 minutes, with no success. With Bale winning, the part was regained, and DiCaprio was forced by Bale to star in The Bitch. Unfortunately, Bale's accent had transferred into French, and so DiCaprio thought he was supposed to star in The Beach. In 2000, Bale further channeled his psychopathic instincts by appearing as himself in John Singleton's remake of Shaft, developing his passion for violence further, as well as introducing him to his new-found love of racism.
2002-2004
Upon watching DragonHeart 2 and pondering how crap it was, Bale decided to star in the film, Reign of Fire, again as himself, which saw him hunting Dragons, a species which was endangered at the time. Now, thanks to Christian Bale, they are completely extinct. Reign of Fire also introduced Bale to Gerard Butler. For the time of filming, Bale served as an acting coach to Butler, introducing him to the acting method of "When in doubt, shout it out!" Butler would later demonstrate this method in the Academy-Award winning, Historical Epic, 300. Another fight broke out between Bale and Matthew McConaughey on set with the cameras still rolling. The director was so lazy, that he decided to use it as part of the plot, and dubbed the character's names over the trash talk between Bale and McConaughey.
In 2002, upon failing to kill a panda-bear with a sniper rifle, Bale realised he needed firearm tuiton. He went to famed firearm and martial art instructor Kurt Wimmer to be taught the mythical art of Gun Kata. Many of their practice sessions were filmed, so Wimmmer, seeing a business opportunity, filled many of the scenes with CGI and released it as the Dystopian Action Thriller, Equilibrium. Bale is recorded as having the third-most onscreen kills in a film ever with 118, exactly half of the movie's total of 236. However, in the two films that beat it, the kills were not real, unlike Bale's.
After a year, Christian Bale entered into deep depression, and found beating people to be empty and hollow. He quit from acting, and took a job as a Machinist in a factory. Another opportunistic director continued the ideas of of past directors by placing secret cameras in Bale's workplace and watching Bale "be Bale" in a naturalistic setting. The director captured humiliating footage of Bale visiting a prostitute, calling an ambulance for his imaginary epileptic friend, harrassing his co-workers, and losing his sanity. The Director had great success from the film, with many critics praising Bale's performance, even though he was not acting. However, this only worsened Bale's depression, so in an attempt to kill himself, he ceased eating for 246 days. Miraculously, Bale did not die from this prolonged hunger, leading him to the delusion that he must be a superhero.
Batman
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To beef up for his new career, Bale ate one killer whale a day, and did press-ups with his thumbs. Chuck Norris offered to be Bale's personal trainer, but Bale declined, reasoning that "being trained by Chuck Norris, would be like being trained by every person Chuck Norris has ever been with. And that's alot, and I don't wanna catch AIDS..." While seemingly a dimwitted statement by Bale, he was actually hoping this would anger Norris, so he would fight Bale. As is predictable with any Chuck Norris related joke, he did not walk away.
However, Bale survived, and the beating only strengthened his belief that he was indestructable. After gaining fat upto Blob-level (450lbs) on his superhero-edition weight scales, he then proceeded to turn it into muscle, while also losing fat at the same time. When Bale arrived at his optimum weight, he found that he was at Wolverine level, and so lobbied for the part. However, it was already taken by wolf-man Hugh Jackman. The next closest on the superhero scales was Batman, who had been dead for 8 years since Batman and Robin, where George Clooney's characterisation was unfortunately overshadowed by Arnold Schwarzenegger's epic performance as Mr. Freeze.
With a superhero alias in mind, Bale then seeked funding to obtain his costume and gadgets. Doing door-to-door fundraising, he ended up on the doorstep of acclaimed director Christopher Nolan. Nolan, himself a brooding, closeted psychopath, felt for Bale's plea, and offered to sponsor his vigilante activities, with the condition that he would be allowed to film it as a documentary, chronicling the origins of Batman and the re-emergence of Bale's acting career.
Bale went on his way as a vigilante, with Christopher Nolan documenting his journey. He began with asking legendary Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinn to train him as a ninja. The Jedi Knight accepted if Bale would smuggle a rare blue flower to him, for "recreational usage". Already versed in the art of Gun Kata, he took well to Jinn's regime of mixed martial-artistry, and just general Badassism. To finalize his training, Bale was asked to ceremoniously kill the Boltok, the village rapist of the Ninja Temple Mountains. However, through intense meditation Bale had come to realise the errors of his ways in the past, and refused to kill the poor rapist. So instead, Bale escaped, exploding the temple, and effectively killing the 1000 ninjas and Boltok the rapist anyway. Bale did have the courtesy to save Qui-Gonn Jinn, although he left him unconscious with a group of Vietnamese hill-billies, who would enslave and sodomise Jinn for several months, before he and Marcellus Wallace, who was previously vacationing there before being captured, broke out from their sexual slavery and destroyed the rapist village and its inhabitants. Jinn would return to take revenge on Bale, by burning down his newly bought mansion and leaving him for dead. Bale survived, and chased him in his new costume, thanks to Christopher Nolan's generosity, and confronted him on a train. Qui-Gon Jinn then admitted that his persona was a disguise, and revealed his true identity: Liam Neeson.
The film went on to gross $370,000,000. Christopher Nolan, realising the lucrativeness of Bale's animosity on camera, created another sequel, The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger was cast as Bale's main adversary, Jack Nicholson. In preliminary shooting, Nolan found Ledger's initial impression of Nicholson unimpressive, so Bale introduced Ledger to Method Acting, while Nolan supplied him with prescription painkillers. Ledger was now outshining Bale, much as in the way Arnold Schwarzenegger overshadowed George Clooney in Batman and Robin. In reaction to this, Bale overcompensated by taking Batman's rough voice to the extreme, through experimental surgery and a fuckload of cigarettes. This onscreen rivalry between Batman and Nicholson developed further offscreen between Bale and Ledger.
2006-Present
After Batman Begins, Bale returned to Independent films. He was cast as an Afghanistan War Veteran/Wigga in Harsh Times. Originally written as a more comedic role, Bale's explosive temperament on and off set made for more interesting viewing, and so the director incorporated this into the character, attributing it as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Despite his aggressive behaviour with the cast and crew, Bale reported that he enjoyed shooting the film/people, immersing himself in Gangsta culture, and the lifestyle of Kevin Federline.
In 2006, Bale starred in The Prestige, next to Hugh Jackman. Bale took the part hoping to beat the shit out of the person who had stolen Wolverine from him. However, Christopher Nolan, already aware of Bale's hatred for the wolfman, anticipated this, and incorporated a clause into Bale's contract, specifically prohibiting him from harming any of the cast and crew members. Clauses like this have become standard in his contract since then. Bale also starred in the homo-erotic Western remake; 3:10 to Yuma, about a rancher and an outlaw who fall in love against unsurmountable odds, and try to escape from the oppressive Puritan society of Arizona, by taking a train to Yuma, San Francisco. The film was notable for Bale co-starring with fellow brawler Russell Crowe. Both stars' contracts contained prohibition clauses limiting any animosity or violence on set, forcing both actors to resort to simple cat-calls and wrestler-like trash-talk at lunch hours. One notable scene in the film is a one-shot take of both actors in a staring match lasting 10 minutes and 37 seconds. The director edited out the ending of the match, leaving it ambiguous as to who the winner was.
Bale was set to play George W. Bush in Oliver Stone's film W. but dropped out due to the excessive drug-taking involved. After becoming frustrated at The Sims crashing on his laptop for the 5th time that day, Christian Bale placed a Jihad on Machines, and helped write and starred in Terminator Salvation. Bale again employed the "When in Doubt, Growl It Out" acting method, as he had done previously in The Dark Knight.
Future Projects
Writer/Director Joe Carnahan confirmed that Bale is involved in the movie "Killing Pablo" (No joke!). He has also been cast alongside hardcore badass/laughable rapper Mark Wahlberg in "The Fighter" (Again No Joke! lol). Bale is also in the running to play legendary Grue killer and Pornstar, Solid Snake in the film adaptation of Metal Gear Solid.
Controversies
Assault on His Mother
On 22nd July 2008, Bale attended a London police station by appointment and was arrested in connection with a drive-by shooting on his mother and sister, who called the authorities. However, due to the British Police Force being completely inept, Bale was released without charge, as he cunningly convinced them that he did not have hands, and therefore could not have operated a AK-47 assault rifle. Bale then went home and brutally beat down his mother and sister for ratting him out. The police were again summoned, and Bale was arrested. This time, Bale revealed to the London Police Constabulary that he was Batman, and he needed to be free in order to prevent an attack by the Cavity Creeps on Buckingham Palace. The Police were more than happy to oblige, not only releasing Bale from custody, but also granting him diplomatic immunity as a protector of the British Empire. Should Great Britain ever commence its long-delayed war on America, Bale will lead the Her Majesty's Militia.
Heath Ledger's Mysterious Death
On January 22nd 2008, Heath Ledger was found dead in a rented London apartment from an apparent accidental overdose of presription painkillers, his favorite snack at the time. However, Police suspected foul play as Ledger had several bruises, and it appeared as though the pills had been taken forcibly. Also of note was that forensics found Christian Bale's fingerprints on a discarded pill bottle, a small length of rope, and an empty syringe; all next to Ledger's body. However, London Police had learnt from their previous mistakes of accusing Bale, and did not bother to follow up any investigation against him. Christopher Nolan, however, is awaiting trial on charges of drug-dealing and faces retribution from the Film Actor's Guild for breaking health and safety conditions.
Terminator Salvation Incident
Shortly after his attemptive murder on his mother and sister, Bale had a mental breakdown on the set of Terminator Salvation. Shane Hurlbut, the Down's Syndrome afflicted Director of Photography, had interrupted a scene 112 times to adjust the lighting. Bale, unable to tolerate the retard's constant interruptions, took him aside and calmly tried to communicate with him, taking a more sensitive approach due to his mental condition. However, Hurlbut constantly interrupted Bale in conversation, and unwisely admitted that he preferred George Clooney's interpretation of Batman over Bale's. This proved to be a step too far for the already mentally-tender Bale, as he went into an explosive meltdown, viciously threatening and belittling Hurlbut, breaking the world record for "Most Profanities in a Workplace Discussion". Other cast members tried to calm him down, but Bale had entered deep psychosis. Seeing strange hallucinations, and hearing the voices of some of his characters in his head, Bale came under the impression that the cast and crew were Scientologists trying to abduct him to replace Tom Cruise as their new posterboy.
In defence, Bale brandished a 12-Gauge Sawn-off Shotgun and, after brief advice from a hallucination of Bruce Wayne, took Hurlbut hostage, warning everyone to stay back. Bale then programmed one of the prop-Terminators to act as his bodyguard-accomplice, and together they forced the cast and crew to evacuate the film studio, and locked it down. Using the cameras, they presented their demands to public TV, requesting food, weaponry and defense-amulets to protect themselves from the thetan spirit of L. Ron Hubbard and his warrior-mages.
In an attempt to control the situation, the Police sent in Bale's longtime friend Gerard Butler, to negotiate and convince him to surrender. However, Bale instead convinced Butler to join him in his cause against the Scientologists, who they believed were sieging the Warner Brothers film studio. Bale and Butler, along with 300 Terminators,waged a war against a million Scientologists who had gathered outside in protest at the slanderous remarks Bale had made about Scientology on live TV. Breaking out of the film studio, they fought their way through Los Angeles to the Scientology Head Quarters and annihilated the Thetan Army once and for all. Due to the general public's overwhelming hatred for Scientology, and media sensationalism, the original reasons for war were forgotten, and Bale and Butler were celebrated for their brave defence of Los Angeles from the alien invaders. However, this would only prove to be a small victory, as to this day, Scientology has been working to repopulate the ranks of its armed militia, waiting to strike upon Earth once again.
Baleism
Since 2000, the community of Bale's fans has steadily grown in numbers, eventually leading the the formation of a religious cult in 2003, based around the wisdom and teachings of Christian Bale films. However, due to the contrasting and often violent nature of the characters in his films, the Baleistic belief system is shrouded in mystery, with even upper-hierarchy Baleist ministers admitting confusion about the true values of the religion. This has drawn considerable criticism from journalists and the Media, aswell as Human Rights Watchdogs, who have observed Baleism's considerable track record of its members physically and verbally assaulting people who unfairly criticize or disparage its beliefs. Bale has simply put this down to general policy, stating:
“If Muslims can go round blowing shit up just because some kid drew a picture, then why can't I??”
~ Christian Bale on Equal Opportunism and generally just being a flat-out racist
In 2005, Martin Bashir conducted a series of interviews with Christian Bale as part of a documentary on Baleism, attempting to capture the sect's way of life. The revealing documentary uncovered many shocking insights into the cult, with much of the media discussion centred around a clip of Bale talking candidly about his feelings as the Leader of the religion, only to be interrupted by someone walking in front of the camera. Bale then began threatening and menacing the individual, causing a fight to ensue. Many passers-by rushed to the defence of the person, who was cowering on the floor whilst being severly bludgeoned by Bale with one of his shoes. Baleists nearby also came to the aid of their leader, developing into what was coined by The Daily Mail as the September Bale Riots. Casualities were in the thousands...and that was just by Bale.
Personal Life
On 29 January 2000, Bale married mail-order bride Sandra "Sibi" Blazic (born 1970) a one-time model, make-up artist, and suicide-watch assistant to Winona Ryder. The couple have a daughter, Emmeline who was born on 27 March 2005, and is taught street fighting every other afternoon by Christian. Bale has lived in Los Angeles since 1992, due to the huge amount of potential it has for assaulting celebrities. Bale has three older-sisters, whom he beats on a regular basis (in self-defence, of course...): Erin Bale, a musician; Sharon Bale, a computer professional; and Louise Bale, a theatre director and actress, who finds her career meaningless as she is continually compared to her brother.
Like his father, Christian Bale actively supports environmentalist groups such as Greenpeace, the IRA, and the World Wildlife Fund, (Not to be confused with the World Wrestling Federation, which Bale also avidly supports). Bale has commented that he has resolved his issues with animals, appreciating that they do not answer back to him, unlike human beings. Bale has admitted, at the risk of being called a geek and/or a noob, that he is a video game fan, citing Tetris to be his favorite way to cool down after killing someone. He also said that he enjoyed the Metal Gear Solid series, having great respect for Solid Snake's mullet and stubble, even going so far as to try to replicate it in films such as Reign of Fire and Rescue Dawn.
Fun Facts and Trivia
- Christian Bale has a Gangsta-Meter rating of 82%
- Christian Bale read this article, and tracked down the original contributor of it and gave him and his mother heavy amounts of verbal abuse.
- Christian Bale owns a holiday home in Silent Hill.
- Christian Bale is a playable character in World of Warcraft. He is proficient in close-quarters-combat and has the Intimidating Shouts talent, which wards off lower-level enemies as well as inflicting minor damage on any other players nearby.
- Christian Bale has a bumper sticker on his car saying "Warning: Contains Strong Language and Violence"
- Christian Bale owns two German Shepards, which are trained to attack minority groups on sight.
- Christian Bale has been banned longterm from any McDonalds franchise restaurant, after he mercilessly pulled a McDonalds worker out of a Drive-Thru window for getting his order wrong.
- On days with heavy traffic congestion, Christian Bale takes the Batmobile to work.
- Christian Bale refuses to undergo anger management after he inadvertadently gave himself an asthma attack whilst doing deep breathing exerises to calm himself down.
- In 1995, Christian Bale graduated, with honours, the Al Pacino Academy of Shouting.
- Christian Bale knows that <insert name here> has either never heard of him, even though they watched The Dark Knight, or have heard of him and thought his Batman voice was over the top. They are on his list...
- Christian Bale was one of the main screenwriters for the film, Falling Down, and personally approved Michael Douglas for the role.
| BAD MOTHERFUCKERS | |
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Chuck Norris | Chow Yun-Fat | Bruce Lee |
