Christian Vieri

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Christian Vieri

“I might like rice...”

~ Christian Vieri on being asked whether or not he thought he was crazy

“Vieri? Oh, yes. Wonderful boy. He mowed my lawn and my wife's too.”

“He touched me in a bad way, in a bad place. I am French, did you know?”

Christian Herman Goliath Cirus Peewee Cedric Arthur McMillian Vieri 3rd (1643 B.C - Next Week) was an Italian soccer player and world renowned Physicist, best known for inventing meat and oysters. Vieri currently plays for The Players in Swaziland and presently holds the record for scoring the most own goals in a single game (14.363) for Zimbabwe Under 21's against Hick Town City

Early Life[edit]

Vieri wasn't born and didn't have an early life.

Manchester City[edit]

At the age of 1654 years and 3 days Vieri signed for Manchester City. This occurred on his doorstep and the delivery man subsequently handed Manchester City over to him in a package.

Hat Trick[edit]

Vieri performed a hat trick, removing his hat, placing a rabbit into the hat inadvertently causing the moon to disappear. This was not what Vieri had intended (he had only wanted to make the rabbit vanish) but thought 'What the hell? What's the worst that can happen?'.

Arsene Wenger[edit]

In 1989 met with the deposed French dictator Arsene Wenger who had recently been appointed manager of English League 16 strugglers The Lake Side District United (T.L.S.D.U). It was a chance meeting which transpired in an airport diner. Wenger, who had heard of Vieri's legendary physical prowess and ability to jump eighty feet, persuaded Vieri to join his club offering the big man £16.39 a microsecond, believing Vieri would be the man to mow the turf and repair and maintain the ground. Vieri agreed but on three conditions.

  1. He would be allowed to erect a giant erection in the middle of the soccer pitch.
  2. He would be allowed to keep any pamphlets pertaining to hacksaws found in the grounds.
  3. That he would be permitted to have a 3rd condition. The first two were cancer and diabetes, the third condition was arthritis.

Scoring The Winning Goal[edit]

During the 17653 B.C -17652 B.C season T.L.S.D.U were severely undermanned, 16 players either injured or dead. Unable to bring in any new players (as it was not the transfer period) Wenger was forced to field Vieri against Great Olman Street Hospital Under Two's Girls. Vieri was introduced into the match in the 89th minute with the teams level at 1-1. Three seconds before the whistle blew Vieri received a pass just outside the box, stumbled, kicked the ball against a defender, causing the ball to ricochet off the defender hit Vieri full in the face and roll into the goal. Vieri was hailed as the next big thing. His performance persuaded Inter Milan to sign him for all the money in the world and an additional £0.16 with every appearance.

Inter Milan[edit]

Vieri's first season at Inter was heralded as one of the biggest catastrophe's in footballing history, despite him scoring 4 goals that season and finishing as the League's top scorer. The unfavourable aspect of his season was attributed to his killing 18 team mates after an argument pertaining to hacksaws.

In his second season with Inter Vieri scored a memorable goal against Sweden in the UEFA cup final. In a scene reminiscent of the battle between the Agent Smith Clones and Neo in one of those Mattrick movies Vieri managed to shrug off 136 Sweden players and then bang the ball into the top corner of the net from four yards out. Vieri then went on to score three more goals for Inter over sixteen seasons finishing as the all time top scorer in Serie A with 9 goals.

Vieri, The Devil and a Hacksaw[edit]

During the 2001/2005 campaign, Vieri had a chance encounter with the Satan (who at the time was said to have amassed the single largest hacksaw collection in the universe) in the men's shower room. Satan, who frequently used the showers in the Inter Milan changing room (having received special approbation to do so by Inter's chairman and fanatical Satanist Massimo Moratti) said of the occasion 'He (Vieri) walkeded inta de showers and when I'd sawded him I's know I loves him.'. According to Vieri's then Inter Milan team mate Phil Jupitus the two were deeply engrossed in conversation for several hours. 'They discussed every aspect of hacksaws' Jupitus said to a reporter. 'Vieri then produced a hacksaw from his locker and took to hacking off his own balls; Satan seemed impressed and then presented Vieri with a gift, a hacksaw which he said could saw through all matter and anti-matter'. Vieri, to show his gratitude proceeded to saw through the space-time continuum, allowing for Satan to transpose himself into any dimention or time period within the universe. Satan said 'Thanks.'

Gay Rights[edit]

Vieri is one of Italy's leading gay rights activists. He claims that he can activate the right side of any gay man with the push of a button on his remote control. He has been championing the rights of gay men since the middle of the eighth century and is most noted in his endeavours for his famous 'I have a nightmare, a recurring nightmare' speech, delivered from the balcony of Mussolini's Grand Palace of Absolute Evil. In 1924 Winston Churchill and Charlie Chaplin, well known for their vehement hatred of gays famously placed a £1 bounty on the head of Vieri. The bounty, half of which Vieri ate and called 'The single most delicious coconut based chocolate bar.' can still be seen on Vieri's head. Many have critised Churcill and Chaplin for purchasing a bounty bar for £1, arguing that it can be bought for half that price at most corner shops in England.

The XYPPZ[edit]

Vieri is the sole member of a top secret agency, which he himself instigated and of which he has been the only member ever, known as the XYPPZ. The XYPPZ, often abbreviated to ZPPYX is an agency which is empowered with enforcing and maintaining the laws of Evil (note the capital E) and Anarchy (note capital A). In matters in which the interests of other law enforcing agencies or governmental departments in any nation state conflict with that of the XYPPZ's the affairs of the XYPPZ always takes precedents. However, the irony is that as the XYPPZ is so top secret no one other than Vieri (and me) knows of it's existence, hence whenever The XYPPZ and any other law enforcement agency lock horns, Vieri invariably gets his ass kicked.

World Cup 2002[edit]

In the 2002 World Cup, Italy were drawn into what became known as the 'The Group of Death, Sadomachism, Torture, Ill-Repute, Fisting, Death by Asphyxiation Derived from Unlawful Sexual Conduct and Fellatio' along with footballing heavy weights Kyrgyzstan (This country does exist, google it), Transniestria (Yes, it does exist, google it) and Djibouti (Need I bother? Hell, google it). In Italy's opening game they lost to the giants of Transniestria 36-1, all the goals scored during the match were scored by Italian defender Marco 'Kamikaze' Matterazzi. In the post match conference Vieri stated that he had thought the team 'had looked very good through out the match, but hey, you can't legislate for Marco. I mean the guys a Goddamn nut case. The hell is he doing playing football anyway?'

Italy lost their subsequent group games but qualified due to a loophole in FIFA'S guidelines which is so obscure it almost does not exist. This allowed Italy to circumvent elimination by virtue of the fact that the other nations players were all red heads. Under FIFA guidelines if a teams starting 11 consists solely of red headed players that team is ineligible for all matches in which it was set to partake.

Vieri then scored an amazing goal in the second round group game against the unfancied and newly created nation of All-The-Best-Football-Players-Come-To-This-Country-And-You-Will-Be-Rich-Beyond-Your-Wildest-Dreams-Istan. Vieri, who had been suffering from severe-wind-itus during the game farted, releasing a powerful jet of smelly air which connected with Marco 'Kamikaze' Matterazzi's cross and diverted the ball into the goal. The match finished 1-0 and Vieri was hailed as the man of the match. Italy lost their next game 14.7 to the power of 1876.22 (this number is best expressed like this as there would be too many digits in it for me to write in my life time) - 0. All the goals were again own goals, scored by Matterazzi and that was the end of the World Cup for Italy. Marco 'Kamikaze' Matterazzi was voted as Italy's man of the tournament, which seriously cheesed off Vieri, who hacksawed Matterazzi to death.

Final Season at Inter[edit]

Vieri's final season at Inter was a turbulent one. The club President, Massimo Moratti, unimpressed by the teams failure in previous seasons to win the World Cup (the man was an idiot and did not understand that club teams were ineligibly to participate in the World Cup), sold all the clubs players with the exception of Vieri and with the revenue generated from these sales brought in Henry the Cow to partner Vieri up front, his own pet budgie, three sheep, a fifteen month old girl, a recently deceased physicist and some Polish construction workers. Upon learning that his team mates were to be sold Vieri demanded a transfer to Tanzania under 21's, but his request was rebuffed. Vieri, brave man that he was, soldiered on an scored 2 goals that season finishing third top scorer (2 goals behind strike partner Henry the Cow) and then disappeared off the face of the earth. No one bothered to look for him.

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