Christians

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This page has been screened by FOX News™ for authenticity and impartiality, and has been given terror-proof protection for her pleasure. While this may be difficult to imagine, there persists a segment of the population who haven't fully embraced the qualities of the greatest State to ever produce the greatest President in world history. Please also note that no other alternative views exist. Long live the Dominion of America.
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“Better than anything you could come up with, bitch!”

“The flesh snake said not to eat the apple!”

~ Adam

“Flesh snake???”

~ Eve on Adam's Comment

“Yeah,God said so,so don't do it bitch!”

~ Adam on Eve's comment

Christians is the plural form of the word Christian. A Christian is a person who either a) is named Christian, or b) follows a religion called Christianity. Option "b)" is the one this article discusses. Christianity is a monounsaturated religion where the followers believe that a Middle Eastern man, whose Twitter name is lost to history, declared himself a god and that all humans should take his word for it. This involves praying to a cross to save us from a really hot land that exists deep below the Earth; routinely eating bread and wine (grape juice, if you're a minor) that symbolize his body shed for us; finding security in the fact that someone is watching you-always, loves you, and is taking care of you, but will send you to burn in hell for all eternity if you disobey him once; believing that homosexuality between consenting adults is a sin that is on par with all others (yes, including jaywalking) and routinely trying to get rid of the horrible stereotype Catholics have given all the various other types of Christians. Preachers and the pope take a role in trying to take your money to "feed the poor" (or build the church and buy new Prada shoes, even though Jesus taught modesty).

Christians A.K.A the guys with the leaflets[edit]

Christians are a primitive creature and veterinarian-recommended type of food for Roman lions. Generally thriving in warm, dark and moist conditions, Christians never evolved in prehistoric times and thus consist of only basic elements such as carbon and hydrogen. Often Christians believe they are not made of elements, but rather created of thin air.

Lions in the wild often suffer from a lack of Vitamin C (Which is short for Christians.) Christians contain essential vitamins and nutrients that allow lions to have a proper diet and remain at the top of the food chain. This is opposed to Vitamin A (Atheists) who, contrary to popular belief, don't help you see the truth. "Finnah mess you up" (Leviticus 69:0.33)

It is said that if Christians ever evolve then the lions will be forced onto the endangered species list. Christians can only evolve by eating fruit from a tree in a Garden. According to a magical talking snake, this fruit contains knowledge.

The leader of the Christian insurgency, God, strictly prohibits this as it allows Christians to climb the evolutionary ladder. The worship of God's estranged hippie son Jesus is common among Christians as they often follow in herds. Although Jesus did not invent the famed leaflets, he helped in the construction of a popular hat/crown. This behavior is not unlike the so called "rack of lamb, of god" who was born to a woman named the Virgin Mary, who claimed her son was born after she "didn't have sex with a bottle of tomato juice"

Indigenous Christians have only three sources of knowledge: The Bible, Fox News, and Emperor Palpatine and one more sacred source of knowledge yet to be released by these 'mysterious' beings. Fox News is, in fact, Lord Xenu's control station for operating the spirits of the alien spirits who inhabit the Christians.

A hot Christian dude from Texas bares his pits of musky power for the Lord in all-American athleticism.

Christian ties to the Sith[edit]

Many Humans today have evolved enough to not believe in Christianity. Still Logic is not part of Christian DNA. It is believed that molecules of the force influenced primitive Christians to believe in concepts now disproved by the Jedi Council, the US Supreme Court (and the Even Supremer Court), and the United Nations.

The leader of the Christians Pope Benedict XVIA.K.A Pope Bendydick controls all Catholics (Most normal Christians find him kinda wack-o) from his base, the Vatican City. The Pope is infalliable, or he can't be wrong. :-) His resistance to assassination is actually thanks to his hat, which stores the spirits of only the strongest alien spirits, which gives him invincibility as well as the energy source for his lightsabre.

Through control of Darth Bush and Fox News, Pope Benedict XVI has merged Christianity with the dark side of the force, the Sith (see: Republicans).

He has used his position of power to help contribute to Republican rule through force. This is mostly seen through the US Military Stormtroopers, The Lord's Resistance Army of the Galactic Empire of Africa.

Jesus[edit]

Jesus Xavier Christ was also born of "a virgin birth," or nowadays what is called "an affair." He was a very, very dark skinned Jewish Carpenter. He also lived alongside Dinosaurs, which is proven by schmience. Jesus died with the dinosaurs, but many people talk to Jesus via telepathy since he was magically reborn like a magic mushroom. Such believers also believe in monsters, the Easter Bunny, fairies, supply-side economics and Santa Claus.

Nowadays Jesus is also a reflex. This can be witnessed when your Dad is pissed off and yells, "JESUS" The origin of this can be traced to Christianity's growth in Spain. The legend states that the Spanish church had a dog named Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus). Locals had so much trouble pronouncing the dog's name correctly that they would often bear wittiness to Priests yelling the name "JESUS" at them. Today yelling Jesus is widely consider a proper way to respond to claims of the Church. Because contradictions are alright in Christianity, this is also a sin, unless watching the Detroit Lions play (Levitivitiviticus 69:.033). It is also due to the part of our brain which predisposes us toward Christianity. As they Bible says "...Therefore, thee who do not hold the strength of the Holy Spirit (the brain) are impaired, or according to Our Lord 'straight up retarded'".

The Bible[edit]

Pat Robertson, host of television's The Lions Club, witnessess the power of the Lord.

The Bible is a rewritten version of the Jewish Torrah. It was rewritten and printed for distribution on a massive scale at Walmart and to help spread peace and love on earth.

The bible is composed of ideas from Paganism, Cavemen, Fox News, Roman dictators, and the US Military.

The bible is best read aloud in selective passages related to Republican politics. This is often done by a lonely man who is not married and has sex with children.

The bible's pages are also commonly used to roll joints.

The bible is non-fictional piece of literature written by men who talked to themselves and killed Jews.

Normal people who necessarily don't like the church who ask "why the fuck the New Testament said who ever eats this bread (the body of Christ) will have ever-lasting life? Why can't they just say whoever believes in Christ will have ever-lasting life in heaven?"

The bible supports numerous peaceful and god-worshiping practices such as:

Incest Deuteronomy 22:13-18 tells us the wonderful story of how a father can stick his finger into his daughter's vagina to help prove that she is a virgin, repeatedly.

Sexism

“Let a woman learn in silence with all submissiveness. I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent. ”

~ 1 Tim 2 on The Bible

Loving thy Neighbor

“If a man or woman living among you in one of the towns the LORD gives you is found doing evil in the eyes of the LORD your God in violation of his covenant, and contrary to my command has worshiped other gods, bowing down to them or to the sun or the moon or the stars of the sky… Take the man or woman who has done this evil deed to your city gate and stone that person to death with really good bud, this may take a while, be patient. ”

~ Donteronomy 17:2-7.2 on The Bible

Not listening to rock music

“Thou shalt not listen to any music that contains an electric guitar or contains the use of logical information not presented through the scientific text known as the bible. True Christians are also unable to listen to dubstep without their face melting. ”

~ Your Parents: 24-7 on The Bible

Slavery

“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life. Your children are automatically your slaves, birthed to you or otherwise. You're welcome, Brad Pitt. ”

~ Leviticus 25:44 on The Bible

“If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.”

~ Exodus 21:20 on The Bible

George Bush and Mike Huckabee

“Let all men who read the bible be opposed to science and gain great wealth at the expense of others. Support all who love war and wish to kill all who are not white Americans who listen to Country Music and sing weekly at Church. ”

~ Republicans: 08! on The Bible

The Dark Side of the force

“Let all men worship Pope Benedict to defeat the Jedi Rebels and gain infinite control of the universe. ”

~ Palpatine 666:1 on The Bible

“Good. I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Take your weapon - strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete. ”

~ Palpatine: 316 on The Bible

Homosexuality

“Thou shalt not tickle the chocolate starfish. Unless you're over 45 and a priest with Scouts experience. ”

~ Epilogue 1:1 on The Bible
                                                      SPOILER ALERT

Jesus and Satan duel it out and everyone dies, going either to heaven (which may or may not be a spaceship with L. Ron Hubbard) or France.

Christians do not believe in[edit]

  • Racial or gender equality (Nice Christians of the KKK type burn crosses on your lawn and burn your church down if you're not white like Jesus. Wait a moment! Jesus wasn't white. He was a dark-skinned Jewish Israeli. If you're not white the nice white Christians hate you anyway.)
    • Correction: FOX News idiots believe Martin Luther King Jr. was a good Christian, would turned conservative have he had lived and only "race industry liberals" classify people into "races" being the social construct it is. They said Hitler was a socialist, Himmler was a pagan and Jews are innocent "god's chosen people".
  • Socialism or Liberalism and compares it with "godless" Communism.
  • Medicine/Psychiatry (Psychiatrists are atheist liars, there is no such thing as mental illness, it is demonic spirits)
  • Evolution (it's just a theory!)
  • Gravity (it's just a theory that a Christian scientist came up with).
  • Any and all education except Intelligent Design (this is using the term 'education' very loosely.)
  • Common sense, clocks, chairs, trash cans, stickers, body parts, books, anything wood besides crosses, pussy (cats), pencils, the moon, mushrooms, sea shells, and purple hats.
  • Capitalism
  • Doing whatever you feel like. (like an animal)
  • Being a zombie that never does anything but swear and joke about sex.
  • Any (product of) science unless it directly benefits them. (Cars, phones, computers, air conditioners, etc.)
  • Agreeing to disagree.
  • Capitalism
  • Humor
  • Pacifism (it's probably of the devil). Christians went to war with Iraq and left the country more violent than before. No problem!They were Christians and George Bush is a Christian so there.
  • Respecting the fact that their children have their own brains. Christian children must be educated to see things the way their parents, their teachers, their preachers see things. Christian children need chastisement if they resist instruction.
  • Liberals, Democrats and free-thinkers.
  • Seeing the world from someone else's point of view.
  • Being worthwhile members of society.
  • Capitalism
  • Altruism (god will reward them for every single good deed they do, it is impossible for a christian to truly do something selflessly).
  • Anything that is proven by science (big bang, evolution, gravity, oxygen, reproduction, homosexuals, Richard Dawkins)
  • The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
  • Science (esp. the "evils" of Creationism).
  • Anything that makes sense, excluding this article
  • Christianity (I'm not joking. Read a history book on the 30-year war).
  • Other religions (because they believe "are wrong" and Ann Coulter once said "Jews need to be perfected").
  • But according to Mel Gibson, his Anglican wife can't come to heaven with him and Old Order Catholics knew Jews killed christ.
  • However, Mormons with Jehovah's Witnesses and Seventh-day Adventists agree on one thing: The Pope is antichrist, Satan incarnata and a false prophet who hates Protestants anyways.
  • The fact that the stars are large bodies of mass with hydrogen fusion. They think that they were created by some guy with a beard who is supposedly sitting on the clouds. No telescopes have found this guy yet, does he even exist?
  • Global warming
  • Capitalism
  • Anything worth doing
  • Converters
  • Gay people (who don't infiltrate the clergy)
  • The Lord Xenu, which will grant them eternal hellfire
  • Agreeing on one story and sticking to it
  • Killing and discriminating followers of other religions, although killing other religions'followers is "all good" (Leviticus 69:0.33)
  • Learning
  • Capitalism
  • 360 no-scopes (barrel-stuffs are strictly prohibited) as pride, a mortal sin
  • Morgan Freeman, for making us realize he would make a pretty good God
  • Missing shots during church-league basketball games (I bet a Jew would've made that free-throw)
  • Capitalism
  • Making lists of things they don't believe in

Popular Custom Blends[edit]

Besides the Christians put into various blends of Purina Lion Chow, there is Catholic Lion Chow, Southern Baptist Lion Chow (tastes like chicken!) and for those lions that are picky eaters, Mormon Lion Chow. Today, as in ancient times, wild dogs, bears, and wolves are loosed on Christians. Research by veternarians has borne out the theory that supplementing wild carnivore's diet with Christians is essential to good health and longevity. Some ingredients include: Christians are required to chop their dick off at birth and this aplies for everyone since there is no such thing as women in Islamity so all the Christian women you sen were born men. Women are not born christians because under christianaity women are evil.

There are also a number of less popular blends, composed of sinful Christians generally available, also called the Left Behind. All Christians are incredibly stupid, easily argued with and can be killed by lions or with first grade logic. Therefore Dr. Spock is the Christian's natural enemy.

"They make great torches!" -Nero

In Sports And Entertainment[edit]

First boat race between Narnian Lions and Christians. Lions realized they couldn't row, so decided to ignore the "boat" part.

Many Pagans and Atheists enjoy watching lions eat, so much so that they began crowding into zoos. For this reason, the Roman Empire built structures known as "Colosseums" to accommodate the throngs of lion-enthusiasts. Weekends, invented by Julius Goober Prolapse in 12 AD, would fill these architectural behemoths to capacity with blood-thirsty citizens. After the chance encounter of an elephant and an unknown Christian in 17 AD, it was discovered that the beasts enjoyed stomping them to death with very little encouragement. This day marked the beginning of a whole new level of extreme sport.

In modern times this has evolved into a highly successful commercial venture, especially after becoming syndicated with sports and news networks in the liberal media conspiracy. The most popular show featuring lions eating Christians is the 700 Club Lions Club. However, this sport is still high and alive, except the lion has been replaced with Charles Darwin and other logic-listeners.

Such rivalry between Lions and Christians arose in 2005, when Narnian Lions decided they too wanted their own Messiah. After many casualties in both sides (due to bad digestions and being eaten, respectively), differences are now often settled in the Oxbridge annual boat race.

Note: For a completely accurate version of the notorious Christians-vs-Lions story, see Are You Hungry Enough To Eat A Barbary Lion?.

Lawsuits[edit]

Animal rights activists are suing Purina, makers of Lion Chow, for including a non-Christian ingredient, the DaVinci Code, in shipments bound overseas in an effort to cut costs. It turns out that lions will eat and tolerate some DaVincii Code, but proves fatal when eaten in a den. Lawyers on both sides call each other filthy names on a regular basis, just to keep in practice.

Rival Gaines, of Gaines Burger dog food fame, was indirectly involved with Christian consumption lawsuits when they introduced Shark Chow, made of only the finest cuts of litagator. The resulting shortage of legal professionals caused the Great Litigation Shortage in 1986.

The consumption of Jesus[edit]

Like oil and water, logic and Christianity do not mix.

We are talking about a bunch of creatures who loved the remains of a dead hippie who was also the greatest gamer to ever exist. They found his remains on a field shortly after his death.

They saw nothing wrong with Jesus, as he was delicious. After he was eaten they discovered grapes and wheat. They then decided he could be constantly reborn in the form of crackers and wine. (See also "truthiness.")

There are 3 reasons why "he" creates and we believed him all those centuries ago:

1) They were too primitive to use opposable thumbs and pick knowledge fruit (Aka apples, mushrooms or tomatoes) from trees. 2) Life was depressing without a leader of the flock. Jesus was a beautifully presented Rack of Lamb that was found in the wild of Israel and easily consumed by Christian nomads. 3) He created us in his image, not from a monkey or an ape. 4) Castrating and consuming the penis of Michael Ellwood

Videos of typical Christians[edit]

Recalls[edit]

Makers of Lion Chow were forced to recall the Dubya blend. There seems to be no rational explanation for the fact that the lions simply refuse to eat it.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

  • [1] - Christian accomplishments.
  • [2] - Google generated profile of "Christians".
  • [3] - Find a lion church in the united states.
  • [4] - Join prayer groups, view the bible, and search churches.
  • [5]-Emannuel!


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