ChuckNorris

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“I, Superwoman, alone can defeat Chuck”

For other, more juvenile uses, see Chuck Norris (disambiguation).

Carlos Raymond Norris, Esq (b. 1940), better known by his nickname "Chuck," Is the weekest man on earth he was a nobody had no job and sucked at fighting and he died because he stubed his toe one had seen since Paul Bunyan. Though he somehow managed to do every conceivable action both possible and impossible in his lifetime, his reputation has been slightly tarnished in recent years by allegations of steroid use. In fact, though his legacy is great, some even question whether or not he actually did anything notable. However, these allegations have been largely quieted in recent years, due mostly to irrational fears that his power will smite them.

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Early Life[edit]

Chuck Norris had a paper route when he was younger; there were no survivors.

Chuck was born of 18-year-old Wilma Scarberry (knocked up by Ray Norris) in a relatively uneventful birth. Various rumors credit God or Jack Bauer as the actual birther of Chuck Norris, but these obviously erroneous claims have been proven incorrect by Conservapedia and basic science, respectively. In fact, Chuck Norris' birth was so mundane that his father, in an attempt to "spice it up," inebriated the obstetrician delivering him. When later asked about the questionable responsibility of this act, he belched.

This was the sort of life that Carlos endured for his first ten years. Living a completely ordinary life, the neglect of his often-working father led him to take up martial arts. At once unnotable at that, he relocated to some random town in Kansas to "kick the shit out of some skeet." A bizarre goal indeed, his parents sent him for psychiatric help immediately. This monetary drain created strain for the family of five (brothers Weiland and Aaron had since been born), eventually leading to the unhappy divorce of Chuck's parents.

This change seriously damaged Chuck's psyche. His academic ability severely declined, and never recovered at all. Ever. So, in what can only be described as an unwise decision, his family once again relocated, this time to California. Later in life, he described his ecstasy at this as the "culmination of [his] desire to kick the shit out of something that wasn't skeet." He also discontinued his weekly psychiatric visits, and threw himself into his martial arts. He continued his education concurrently, and eventually managed to graduate high school (bottom of his class).

He cheated on the United States Air Force (USAF) psychological profile and became an Air Policeman in 1958. Predictably, his desire to join the USAF was related to kicking the shit out of things. Here, he began excelling in martial arts, and eventually earned a black belt in Tang Soo Do (which, contrary to popular belief, does not involve the similarly named orange beverage), and garnered the nickname Chuck for the first time. Obviously, this name stuck, and it is argued that it is what made him famous.

Rise to Fame[edit]

Chuck Norris demonstrating his deadly technique.

Returning to California, Norris decided to try his hand at becoming famous. It didn't work, and after five rejections from fringe talent agencies, he gave up. One of the letters is reprinted here:

Cquote1.png Dear Mr. Norris,
       We regret to inform you that your lackluster screen test with us has predictably yielded no result. While your ability to knock things over with considerable ease was noted, the only other thing notable about you is your Hispanic name when you are so obviously not Hispanic. Thank you for trying out for us, and enclosed you will find a bill for the damages incurred by your martial arts display.

Cordially,
J & M Talent Management
Cquote2.png

Sinking once again into a depressed rage, Norris also needed money to pay back J & M for their possessions that he had broken. He entered into tournament karate to garner income. This, too, proved to be a fruitless endeavor, as he promptly lost the first two tournaments. His little known second job as a karaoke singer proved to be far more lucrative for a couple of years, while his one-time gig as a geisha turned out to be too much for him to handle.

However, very soon he turned this misfortune on its head, winning 65 karate tournaments in a row. He avenged all of his previous defeats, an achievement that made him very cocky. This attitude led him to create his own form of martial arts called Chun Kuk Do. This form, which is deceptively similar to every other form of martial artistry ever created, became something of a fad in 1970s Hollywood. It was teaching Steve McQueen's son this most precious of art forms, in fact, that attracted him to acting once again.

Oh God! Please, get that thing away!

Fame[edit]

He rather quickly became the bitch of Cannon Films, a studio specializing in the production of B action movies. Reportedly, they were impressed by his fighting style, which they said "could easily fuck up any Asian that came around the place." This statement was in stark contrast to his first movie, where he played the villain opposite Bruce Lee (and got predictably pummeled). However, ignoring this blatant inconsistency, their analysis of him proved to be extremely lucrative. From 1977 to the late 1980s, he starred in multiple blockbuster movies.

However, though it took about five years too many, people finally started catching on that all of these movies were essentially the same. Sales plummeted almost instantly, and Cannon Films soon filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Unwilling to return to his dual job as a karaoke singer moonlighting as an Asian prostitute, he made more box-office flops for minimal gain. Finally, he fell the final rung, and was back where he started. Sinking into drink and picking random barfights for money, Norris seemed to have hit rock bottom. However, during one particularly drunken spell in which he began spewing anti-Semitic remarks, he got offered the job that would change his life.

That job was the role of Cordell Walker on the Christian-themed Walker, Texas Ranger. Borrowing from the format of his famous movies of yore, the Chuck-centered show followed a familiar formula. The variations were so slight that, were it not for the fake Southern motif he affected ever-so-subtly, it would be indistinguishable from such films as Missing in Action, Missing in Action 2, Missing in Action 3, and Missing in Action: The Musical. Despite this, the show won multiple religion-related awards for wholesomeness and morality, and ran for eight successful seasons.

A Washed-Up Superstar[edit]

But every good thing must come to an end. It logically follows that anything of subpar quality also must come to an end, a fact which led to Walker, Texas Ranger's cancellation. Though it can still be seen many many times every day in syndication on channels with little to no original or good programming, it has largely disappeared from the vogue.

This fact greatly dismayed Norris, though he did not sink into drink, self-pity, and hot money after this failure. Instead, he began wallowing in excess, developing yet more stupid mantras to live by, and spending the bottomless money that he had garnered along his career. These self-serving actions meant that he fell out of the vogue for a time, but this time was a short-lived oasis before an apocalyptic happening that would change the world forever.

In what most consider the pinnacle of selling out, Chuck Norris was featured on the cover of Masturbation Aficionado. Said he: good guys wank it.

Life as a Meme[edit]

The Chuck Norris Equation.

On an indeterminate date at an indeterminate time sometime in the 21st Century (most speculate it to be around 2005), Chuck Norris sunk the most horrible depth a person can sink to: he became an Internet meme. The controversy started when, in 2004, Conan O'Brien introduced a bizarre and random segment known as the "Chuck Norris Button," in which he would press a button and Chuck Norris came out to beat up a random audience member. Chuck soon got tired of this, however, and when he was called up he instead knocked out Conan himself. Conan — whose reputation as a strong fighter was previously unsurpassed — and his fanbase alike were incredulous at this development.

Chuck Norris Facts[edit]

There is much speculation about what powers Chuck Norris really has. For a very long time, it has been belived that Chuck Norris is what you get when you cross Jesus, Superman and a vat of toxic waste At his 23rd birthday party, Chuck Norris was so angry when he lost "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" to Tom Cruise that he took the tak that had cost him his reputation and killed Tom Cruise 10 separate times. Tom was revived 7 years later but had lost 85% of his brain. Even after 37 years Tom Cruise has not ragained more than 50% of his original brain.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris IS death.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

Tom Cruise molests Oprah.

The Legend[edit]

When one thinks of Chuck Norris, one immediately thinks "action movie star" (recalling his numerous feature films), "tedious Internet meme" (recalling the previously covered tedious Internet meme) and television star, (recalling, unfortunately, "Walker, Texas Ranger"). However, unfortunately, and to the chagrin of countless people who truly need a sense of humor and/or a life, this is all he is. A celebrity like any other. He is unremarkable in most ways that one can imagine, and this is fine. It is indubitable that he would wish it any other way.