Chuck Morris

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Carlos Raymond Norris, Esq (b. 1940), better known by his nickname "Chuck," was a world-renowned everyman the likes of which no one had seen since Paul Bunyan. Though he somehow managed to do every conceivable action both possible and impossible in his lifetime, his reputation has been slightly tarnished in recent years by allegations of steroid use. In fact, though his legacy is great, some even question whether or not he actually did anything notable. However, these allegations have been largely quieted in recent years, due mostly to irrational fears that his power will smite them.

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Early Life[edit]

Chuck Norris had a paper route when he was younger; there were no survivors.

Chuck was born of 18-year-old Wilma Scarberry (knocked up by Ray Norris) in a relatively uneventful birth. Various rumors credit God or Jack Bauer as the actual birther of Chuck Norris, but these obviously erroneous claims have been proven incorrect by Conservapedia and basic science, respectively. In fact, Chuck Norris' birth was so mundane that his father, in an attempt to "spice it up," inebriated the obstetrician delivering him. When later asked about the questionable responsibility of this act, he belched.

This was the sort of life that Carlos endured for his first ten years. Living a completely ordinary life, the neglect of his often-working father led him to take up martial arts. At once unnotable at that, he relocated to some random town in Kansas to "kick the shit out of some skeet." A bizarre goal indeed, his parents sent him for psychiatric help immediately. This monetary drain created strain for the family of five (brothers Weiland and Aaron had since been born), eventually leading to the unhappy divorce of Chuck's parents.

This change seriously damaged Chuck's psyche. His academic ability severely declined, and never recovered at all. Ever. So, in what can only be described as an unwise decision, his family once again relocated, this time to California. Later in life, he described his ecstasy at this as the "culmination of [his] desire to kick the shit out of something that wasn't skeet." He also discontinued his weekly psychiatric visits, and threw himself into his martial arts. He continued his education concurrently, and eventually managed to graduate high school (bottom of his class).

He cheated on the United States Air Force (USAF) psychological profile and became an Air Policeman in 1958. Predictably, his desire to join the USAF was related to kicking the shit out of things. Here, he began excelling in martial arts, and eventually earned a black belt in Tang Soo Do (which, contrary to popular belief, does not involve the similarly named orange beverage), and garnered the nickname Chuck for the first time. Obviously, this name stuck, and it is argued that it is what made him famous. Not much else is known about Chuck Norris' childhood before his legendary roundhouse kick came alive, either because anyone around during that time is dead or biographers asking Chuck Norris about his childhood have died for some reason. There are many theories as to how he came into existence. Some think that he was born feet first so he could kick the doctor in the face the moment he was born, while others theorize he punched his way out of his mother’s womb only moments after he was conceived. The most commonly accepted theory to his coming to being is that he had no mother, as crawling out of a woman's vagina is unbecoming of a man's stature. Chuck Norris rather spontaneously came into existence ex nihilo on Karl Marx's birthday, this is no coincidence as Chuck Norris is the polar opposite of communism; he is so American that when he gets interrupted during sex he gets red white and blue balls.

As a child Chuck Norris was a shy individual, who was often tormented for his Irish-Cherokee-Korean-Japanese-Jujitsu-Whatever-Else-Is-Awesome-About-Him background. Historians and scientists believe that Chuck Norris let his anger build up inside of him until the world's gravitational power could no longer support him, resulting in a massive explosion which created the rest of the known universe. Because of this outburst, Chuck had to attended an anger management class when he was only four. This specially designed class only had two pupils in it, him and The Hulk.

Rise to Fame[edit]

Chuck Norris demonstrating his deadly technique.

Returning to California, Norris decided to try his hand at becoming famous. It didn't work, and after five rejections from fringe talent agencies, he gave up. One of the letters is reprinted here:

Cquote1.png Dear Mr. Norris,
       We regret to inform you that your lackluster screen test with us has predictably yielded no result. While your ability to knock things over with considerable ease was noted, the only other thing notable about you is your Hispanic name when you are so obviously not Hispanic. Thank you for trying out for us, and enclosed you will find a bill for the damages incurred by your martial arts display.

Cordially,
J & M Talent Management
Cquote2.png

Sinking once again into a depressed rage, Norris also needed money to pay back J & M for their possessions that he had broken. He entered into tournament karate to garner income. This, too, proved to be a fruitless endeavor, as he promptly lost the first two tournaments. His little known second job as a karaoke singer proved to be far more lucrative for a couple of years, while his one-time gig as a geisha turned out to be too much for him to handle.

However, very soon he turned this misfortune on its head, winning 65 karate tournaments in a row. He avenged all of his previous defeats, an achievement that made him very cocky. This attitude led him to create his own form of martial arts called Chun Kuk Do. This form, which is deceptively similar to every other form of martial artistry ever created, became something of a fad in 1970s Hollywood. It was teaching Steve McQueen's son this most precious of art forms, in fact, that attracted him to acting once again.

Oh God! Please, get that thing away!

Fame[edit]

He rather quickly became the bitch of Cannon Films, a studio specializing in the production of B action movies. Reportedly, they were impressed by his fighting style, which they said "could easily fuck up any Asian that came around the place." This statement was in stark contrast to his first movie, where he played the villain opposite Bruce Lee (and got predictably pummeled). However, ignoring this blatant inconsistency, their analysis of him proved to be extremely lucrative. From 1977 to the late 1980s, he starred in multiple blockbuster movies.

However, though it took about five years too many, people finally started catching on that all of these movies were essentially the same. Sales plummeted almost instantly, and Cannon Films soon filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Unwilling to return to his dual job as a karaoke singer moonlighting as an Asian prostitute, he made more box-office flops for minimal gain. Finally, he fell the final rung, and was back where he started. Sinking into drink and picking random barfights for money, Norris seemed to have hit rock bottom. However, during one particularly drunken spell in which he began spewing anti-Semitic remarks, he got offered the job that would change his life.

That job was the role of Cordell Walker on the Christian-themed Walker, Texas Ranger. Borrowing from the format of his famous movies of yore, the Chuck-centered show followed a familiar formula. The variations were so slight that, were it not for the fake Southern motif he affected ever-so-subtly, it would be indistinguishable from such films as Missing in Action, Missing in Action 2, Missing in Action 3, and Missing in Action: The Musical. Despite this, the show won multiple religion-related awards for wholesomeness and morality, and ran for eight successful seasons.

A Washed-Up Superstar[edit]

But every good thing must come to an end. It logically follows that anything of subpar quality also must come to an end, a fact which led to Walker, Texas Ranger's cancellation. Though it can still be seen many many times every day in syndication on channels with little to no original or good programming, it has largely disappeared from the vogue.

This fact greatly dismayed Norris, though he did not sink into drink, self-pity, and hot money after this failure. Instead, he began wallowing in excess, developing yet more stupid mantras to live by, and spending the bottomless money that he had garnered along his career. These self-serving actions meant that he fell out of the vogue for a time, but this time was a short-lived oasis before an apocalyptic happening that would change the world forever.

In what most consider the pinnacle of selling out, Chuck Norris was featured on the cover of Masturbation Aficionado. Said he: good guys wank it.

Life as a Meme[edit]

On an indeterminate date at an indeterminate time sometime in the 21st Century (most speculate it to be around 2005), Chuck Norris sunk the most horrible depth a person can sink to: he became an Internet meme. The controversy started when, in 2004, Conan O'Brien introduced a bizarre and random segment known as the "Chuck Norris Button," in which he would press a button and Chuck Norris came out to beat up a random audience member. Chuck soon got tired of this, however, and when he was called up he instead knocked out Conan himself.

Conan — whose reputation as a strong fighter was previously unsurpassed — and his fanbase alike were incredulous at this development. However, nothing more came out of it until Chuck's fanboys, long looking for a way to erroneously catapult their god to stardom once more, posted "Chuck Norris Facts". This name was, as one might expect, a misnomer, as the "facts" listed on this website were little more than pipe dreams. An example of a "fact" in this vein – "Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People" – demonstrate both a lack of education (note the poor grammar abound in this sentence) and a lack of reality (everybody knows that people kill people, it's just common sense!).

Unfortunately, most people's minds were not as clear as this, and they loved these "facts." As the title of this section perhaps gives away, it became an Internet meme, meaning that it became nearly impossible to go through a day of life without hearing a Chuck Norris fact. The sensation spread like wildfire, with everyone wanting to get a piece of the action. This led to more and more unfunny people tossing their "jokes" into the hat. This resulted in such knee-slappers as "Chuck Norris is my Homeboy", " Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls", and "Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down".

The Legend[edit]

When one thinks of Chuck Norris, one immediately thinks "action movie star" (recalling his numerous feature films), "tedious Internet meme" (recalling the previously covered tedious Internet meme) and television star, (recalling, unfortunately, "Walker, Texas Ranger"). However, unfortunately, and to the chagrin of countless people who truly need a sense of humor and/or a life, this is all he is. A celebrity like any other. He is unremarkable in most ways that one can imagine, and this is fine. It is indubitable that he would wish it any other way.

Adventures[edit]

Voldemort's Lair[edit]

When Chuck Norris created Lord Voldemort in 1337, he expected him to be the perfect slave, but Voldemort revolted against him, and tried to become more powerful and overthrow Chuck. Voldemort forgot it was impossible to overthrow Chuck Norris, and Chuck battled his way through Voldemort's heavily armed invisible guards, ate his venomous man-eating lions, deflected Voldemort's evil spells, and killed him.

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny[edit]

When the Ultimate Showdown broke out in 9001 BC, Chuck Norris was quick to join in. He delivered a kick that could shatter bones into the crotch of Indiana Jones. Then he crushed Batman's head. Then, a large group of people, (Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, Benito Mussolini, the Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, Robocop, Terminator, Captain Kirk, Darth Vdaer, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston, Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan.) came out of nowhere lightning fast and attempted to kick Chuck in his cowboy arse, but he defeated all of them, and he later joined forces with them to form the Ryprian Party, who defeated Mister Rodgers, the champion of the Ultimate Showdown.

Armageddon[edit]

Recently discovered religious texts have discovered that Chuck Norris is destined to enter into an apocalyptic final battle with The Three Bishes to determine who will be the ultimate power in the universe. The battle was set for yesterday, and let's just say it ran on for eternity and Chuck Norris beat them hard, even though it was 3 on 1.



A Typical Day in the Life of Chuck Norris[edit]

Note: This section will not list the more minor sexual encounters and asses he kicks each day, for if they were to be mentioned, the list would likely use up all the tubes of the internet.

Chuck Norris starts his day like every red blooded man, with a giant boner. After rubbing one out because his wife is far too tired from their last nights wild supersex, Chuck Norris gets out of bed to go and do a gigantic two flush mega shit, which more often then not ends up breaking the U-bend of the toilet. He will then wipe his ass with intercepted letters to Santa.

Chuck Norris then after getting dressed because he is tired of the large crowd of women following his around, drooling over his body, Chuck Norris prepares and eats his healthy breakfast, which consists of eating dynamite and shitting gunpowder. He then gathers this gunpowder to make a bullet which he will use to kill something latter on in the day for his lunch. He then flosses his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris will then bring in his mail using the Spear of Destiny as an envelope opener. Chuck Norris not only stays up to date on current events but future ones as well so he can spoil the endings of new Harry Potter books before they are even written.

Chuck Norris then head-butts his front door into splinters and proceeds to go to work. His job, of course, is kicking random peoples asses, Chuck Norris is self employed.

On the way home from work, Chuck Norris will stop by the hardware store and buy a new front door and toilet U-bend. While he installs these (simply by staring at them) his wife will go off at him for wrecking them in the first place, to which he does not listen to her nagging, instead he just beats her... with his gigantic weiner. Then to make it up to his wife, Chuck Norris will have wild hyper super-sonic-sex with her, while working out on his total Gym, fighting any present ninjas, and playing with his kids. The latter has been disputed however, as no woman has yet been found with the strength to bear the super strength of Chuck's children for the required 10 years (that much awesome needs time to develop).

In the evenings Chuck Norris likes to sit in the dark and silently pray that his enemies get cancer, before going to bed and waiting, because Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits.

The Chukakikacoatl[edit]

The discovery of the Chukakikacoatl can be attributed to a well known but fanatically ignored fact about Chuck Norris - that his real name is 'Chuk', and not 'Chuck'. Armed with thus knowledge, many excited and unfortunate individuals proceeded to address him as Chuk (rhymes with 'book'), as opposed to Chuk (rhymes with buck, or Chuck) - eventually losing their lives to a 'you-know-what'(roundhouse kick, duh!)

The obvious truth about the matter is that Chuk is pronounced as Chuck (rhymes with Chuck) but spelled as Chuk. The reason - the 'c' is physically silent (absent from the spelling), but linguistically present (included in the pronunciation).

Deeply intrigued by this seemingly grammatical anomaly and partly envious of Chuk's multi-syllabic name, Mr. T was known to secretly fund a team of cunning linguists devoted to researching the matter further. The team met with remarkable success and discovered that a wise ancient race amongst Mayans worshiped an avatar of Chuk, called Chukakikacoatl, which resembled a feathered Chuk Norris. Alas, Chuk Norris did not take kindly to this. In full plume, Chuk swiftly eliminated the time-travelling grammar gurus before they could return to our own time with the news, leaving Mr. T to file for bankruptcy. Furthermore, in our own time, anthropologists and other misguided intelligentsia blamed the massacre as ritual sacrifice purported by the otherwise jolly Mayans, resulting in their sometimes unfair portrayal.

The Norris Powers: "The World Against Chuck Norris"[edit]

As you well know, The Norris Powers were a massive force in the War of the Worlds, the first one. Two other sides, Allies and Central Powers. The Norris Powers of course was no force to be reckoned with. The Norris Nation, located deep in the Indian Ocean, (Chuck Norris doesn't need to breathe) could not take the world not acknowledging Chuck Norris as supreme ruler of the world. While those silly Allies and silly Central Powers fought in their silly World War I, good ol' Chuck took this as an advantage to take over the world. ('course, he didn't HAVE to attack them then, he could attack them anytime and win! Don't you dare question the Great Norris!) So Fuhrer Norris sent the most norristorious fighting force that ever spawned from the bowls of hell: THE TEXAS RANGERS. It was a massacre. The rangers just glanced at enemy soldiers and they just die from their awesome, and sexy looks. The Norris Powers took every country one by one, until... Jack Bauer stood in his way from taking over the world. Two Gods. Only one Earth. Quickly, they both transformed into some anime gigantic robots. The fight lasted one trillion years. Chuck won and then when home..

Word on the street is that notorious wizard Voldemort, has resurrected both of the men...

Chuck Norris and the Apocalypse[edit]

Recently discovered religious texts have discovered that Chuck Norris is destined to enter into an apocalyptic final battle with Kurt Cobain to determine who will be the ultimate power in the universe, as well as the rightful heir to inherit the position of God because, let's face it, that bastard's gotten lazy. He become friend of Maxlam, why so? No one know!

According to these texts, Chuck Norris and Kurt Cobain have been eternal rivals, their battles transcending time and space, causing such travesties as the Holocaust, the fall of the Roman Empire, and Paris Hilton. In recent times, Norris has claimed a victory over Cobain, causing him to retreat into the afterlife and gather an army of demons clad in torn jeans.

It is unclear when this battle will take place, whether it will be in a few days or several million years. It is known, however, that when the time does come, the sky will turn red and split open, releasing a rain of fire and brimstone. The seas will melt away (yeah, they will become... more liquid... than usual), and the ground will become devoid of plant and animal life. After 8 days and 12 minutes, the two will meet on a sacred battlefield, currently Jersey, and their battle will last for months. Any man or woman that comes too close to this battle will instantly melt. Though it is not known who will eventually win this fight, it is known that the world will crumble into nothingness, and Saint Peter will be very pissed off at all the new arrivals at the Pearly Gates, claiming that he "...only had five goddamn minutes until his break."

The NorrisForce: "Galactus Vs Chuck Norris"[edit]

Jumping realities and having just 'done' the invisible woman, while kicking the Things ass with a mega-awesome roundhouse kick Chuck was merrily going about his usual day of being cool, wiping the floor with ninjas and taking out the entire Cobra Kai when all of a sudden from between the clouds (that Chuck had created with is hair folicals) came the Silver Surfer - the chromed herald of the planet eating Galactus. Upon seeing the impending potential doom that this might cause, with the world potentially being eaten and all (and in turn putting Chuck out slightly from his planned week of ass-kickery) Chuck of course high kicked into battle. Wielding the power cosmic the Silver Surfer thought that nothing could stop him, but of course he had never encountered the Norrisforce which Chuck used to melt the surfer into a shiny new set of cuff-links.

Upon hearing his Herald had been smelted down to a fashion accessory Galactus was well not pleased and headed to earth to confront Chuck man to man. Upon seeing the awesome power of Chuck and respecting his full man-ly-ness (in a non gay way) and respecting his facial hair prowess Galactus offered Chuck the position as his new Herald. Upon hearing this offer Chuck leaped up, knocking the giant purple helmet off Galactus, not the one on his head, that would be too easy for Chuck, instead he went for the 'other' purple hemlet and in turn caused Galactus wiener to shatter into a million alien-cock pieces ultimately turning Galactus into a cloud (or something equally shitty in the new movie). And lo it was that mighty Galactus was defeated by trying to take over the earth and even worse offending Chuck!! - Chuck is nobodies Herald! - The ultimate universal power of the NorrisForce will forever protect us, the mere mortals of the universe from other cosmic based bad guys such as Ming the merciless, Kenny G, The Hoff and Emo music.

Triumphant Chuck then jumped into the sky, tearing through the dimensional barrier with a flick of his eyebrow and then proceeded to kicked Superman, Batman, Lobo, the entire JLA, Lex Luthor, Doomsday and every good and bad guys ass in every know comic universe just for the fun of it, only stopping his rampage to 'Do' Wonder Woman and that hottie from Gen13 who were both grateful to recieve the manly seed of the Norris.

Chuck and the Hiroshima bomb[edit]

During the Second World War, the USA was looking for a way to scare the crap out of the Japanese. So, after a bit of research, they realised that there were two options: Chuck Norris or the atomic bomb. First, they decided to send Chuck, because it was cheaper than making an atomic bomb, but there were some moral questions that surfaced later. Many people didn't consider it human, as it was certain that there will be lots of dead people, and their deaths were going to be slow and very awesome. So the government decided to nuke Hiroshima in order to decrease the number of casualties thereby increasing lameness, which lead to the great period of Chuck Norris Pissedoffeïsm. During this period it is known that people who didn't wear at least thirty-seven bullet-proof vests at once would slowly die of Chucktation poisoning. However not a single product made by mankind can withstand the sole awesomeness off Chuck Norris, and that’s why not only Chuck Norris but the entire world think Hare Krishna's suck.

Chuck the sports hero[edit]

Only one man saved the Proteas in the 2007 worldcup

Chuck unexpected turned up in the West Indies while the 2007 Cricket world cup was being played. South Africa captain Graeme Smith was pushed aside after their last few losses and the now South African sport hero was urgently introduced as the new captain.

South Africa skittled England for 154 on Tuesday and then rattled off the target with more than 30 overs and nine wickets to spare in a match which was effectively a knockout quarterfinal.

The team is really on a high now, the momentum is good. I think if I was not brought into this game they would have lost and with it the dreams of being the top cricket team in the world, at least they now still stand a chance" Chucky told a news conference.

Smith the ex-captain said that the victory in a must-win match had put to bed the talk of his team as 'chokers' under pressure; if we did not introduce Chuck as our trump card we would have lost this fatal game

It was pretty emotional at the end of the game as can be seen with the picture above.

Achievements[edit]

In 1968, Chuck fought and won the World Professional Middleweight Karate championships by defeating the World's Top Fighters, which included Batman, Superman, TMNT, Tintin, Popeye, Bruce Wayne, Shaq, Aaron Carter, Stalin, all of G-Unit, Tupac Shakur, George Bush, Mr. T, all of New York City, Gerald Ford, and Godzilla. He held that title until 1974 when he retired undefeated.

Apart from head-butting bears/mimes/pregnant whales, or using hippies as firewood, or sleeping with Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie, and Eva Longoria (at the same time), Chuck Norris utilises his spare time standing/sitting around kicking pure ass. That's right he kicks ass even when not kicking ass. He just sits on a lawn chair winking at random people, who naturally implode from the awesomeness and gratitude, because of the fact that he spent time recognising their existence. He also likes walking and being awesome, but favours kicking ass while just standing/sitting there. Even when sleeping he kicks general ass (some in, and some out, of dreams). He also likes playing electric guitar while working out on his total gym.

Since then he has played a major part in almost every historical and mythical event known to humanity, and many yet to come.

Examples include:

  • The Great Flood (feat. Noah) - Chuck got pissed off because the sky was a really crappy purple colour, so he roundhouse kicked it until it was just black (at night) and blue (through the day). However, the sky was a sissy and cried for a month and a half.
  • The War of the Ring (Lord of the Rings) - Frodo and Gandalf believed that they had defeated Sauron by destroying the one ring. In fact, Chuck had been bathing in the fires of Mount Doom and caught the ring. He thought it looked cool and so he put it on. When Sauron and the Nazgul sensed this, they shat themselves and spontaneously combusted out of pure fear.
  • Clam's War (Maxlam Legend) - The clam's comings attack France and kill all of French, so

Chuck Norris take pity of Clam's stomach and kill clam's.

  • World War II - Hitler thought he could rule the world...and when Chuck Norris heard of this, he wasn't too happy. When Hitler heard that Chuck Norris was coming for him, he got so frightened that he and his girlfriend hid themselves in a bunker. Finally, Hitler came to his senses (a puny bunker can't stop Chuck Norris) and he shot his girlfriend and himself, presumably to save their lives. Unfortunately, Chuck was waiting for them in Hell...according to Satan, Hitler hasn't walked the same since.
  • World War VII - Chuck Norris, being impervious to lasers, nukes, and all types of weapons known to man, has totally destroyed all evil with the help of Maddox.

Now Chuck Norris mostly spends his time doing various things, such as staying home on his ranch with his family, saving the universe from various foes, helping charities, endangering the world himself every time he coughs, and beating up anybody who pisses him off (which is a lot of people). Another one of his favourite pastimes is "flexing the Bow" and doing numerous info-mercial with super mega-babes. He is also kept busy running his own country, Spain II: The Revenge.

He is a hero in every sense of the word, showing courage, strength, wisdom, honour, mercy, compassion, and even the occasional streak of raw passion.


Personal Life[edit]

Unfortunately, Chuck Norris does not have much time for a personal life. Making sensual love to thousands of women a day while battling various titans and causing other forms of chaos does not leave him any time to enjoy the finer things in life, or simply have fun like a normal person.

Chuck Norris managed to fix this problem when he discovered that all he had to do was threaten Father Time that he would kill him and his family if he didn’t give Chuck more time. Now Chuck himself decides what time it is, and is free to go bowling with his friends, have sex with his own wife, do some work around the ranch, kill some grues, repopulate endangered species, hunt endangered species, and when he has time, visit his friend God for their bi-monthly arm wrestling tournament. But unfortunately Chuck and God do not get along often. First of all Chuck always beats God, and unlike God, he DOES play with dice, and he DOES believe in coincidence because he actually creates all coincidence around the world...by playing with dice!

He is also undisputed leader of his own country, Spain II: The Revenge. Spain II was primarily a POW camp, but was then turned into a country by Franco, a childhood enemy of Chuck Norris. Norris decided one day he wanted his own country to begin his World Domination, so he smashed the gates to the country and killed all the Nazis inside with his bare hands, doing this whilst he was talking on his mobile phone to order a pizza to be delivered for his victory. He threw everyone out who had a bicep diameter of less than 30cm (12 in) and started his own race of superhumans.

He's laughing now but he won't be laughing when he's dead.

Chuck also enjoys spending time with the troops as well as others who can comprehend his manliness to the slightest degree. The only other such individuals are: lumberjacks, ninjas, pirates, Mr. T, Bruce Lee, God, Firemen, Vin Diesel (who is really Chuck Norris without his beard), and a man named Ernest Heegard.

Chuck Norris has sampled every and all hobbies available. He abolished some from the face of the Earth (x-treme quilting), while others he made known the world round(baby seal clubbing). Chuck personally likes to consume the souls of his enemies and go to hell to kick Hitler in the balls. The souls of those unlucky few who are eaten by Chuck are put to the impossible task of getting through his digestive tract in one piece. So far no one has made it out. The failures are disposed of in a sort of play-doh fun factory way.

Inventory/Trademarks[edit]

Chuck Norris demonstrating his "chin-scratchies" technique. His beard is seen looking for something on top of his head

Chuck Norris has a wide variety of attacks and signature moves. A list is as follows.

  • Roundhouse Kick: The deadliest attack in his arsenal, and his personal favorite. The kick has many strange properties, as the effect of the attack seems to be what ever he wants it to be, whether it gives lives or takes lives is all up to him. It has been known to delete people from the space-time continuum.
  • Staring: When Chuck Norris does not want to do a Roundhouse Kick, a solid stare is his second choice. Again, its effects seem to be his choice; some times it cures diseases, other times it can cause heads to asplode.
  • Beard: His beard has hypnotic and almost magical properties. But since Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic, it has hypnotic and almost magical properties but which can be explained by science. His beard has been known to be all he has used in some fights, which is admirable. In fact, at one time, Chuck Norris skewered 3 men with a single beard hair. It is also known that there is no chin beneath Chuck Norris's beard, there is only another fist.
  • Kung Fu Grip: While his trademark Roundhouse Kick is a physical and philosophical mystery to any who have taken one in the face, his Kung Fu Grip is a simpler technique whose power is capable of destroying entire worlds. However, he only uses it to crush his foes into burger meat, which is the best kind of burger meat in history.
  • Tender Lips: Chuck Norris has the most tender lips which could cause all women within a ten mile radius orgasm ten times over. However, Chuck Norris is incapable of love, so the gesture is one-sided. And if Chuck Norris sees a woman react to his lips, he'll roundhouse kick her orgasm back in to avoid any misunderstanding. It is known that every woman who has ever kissed Chuck Norris has had their teeth broken from the sheer impact of his beard.
  • Frowning: Chuck Norris' frown is second to none, and is rivaled only by that of Mr. T. Back in the Middle Ages, the Earth was orbited by a second moon called "Grue", the original homeland of the Grues. Fortunately, they were sold for slave labour by Zork because in 1984, Chuck Norris frowned extra hard at it and destroyed it outright. This event has been verified by an independent team of astrologers.
  • Grinning: Chuck Norris was once attacked by a crocodile at Disney Land, Paris, on two separate occasions. Because he had an ice cream in each hand plus random women dry humping his legs, he was almost defenceless, but was able to grin the crocodile into submission. Chuck Norris usually restricts his grin to only the most deadly opponents as 9 times out of 10, it stuns his victim all the way to death. When Chuck Norris grins, a dying person’s life is saved. Ironically though, Chuck Norris only really ever grins when he kills someone.
  • Cowboy Hat: he is seen with his Cowboy Hat at nearly all times, even when he is completely naked all but it. It is possible for him to take off his hat, he often does, but he decides to wear it for the same reason Indiana Jones does. It just looks badass.
  • Plain and Simple Awesomenessnessocity: How could you not know this? Just watch one of his movies and try to tell yourself the man doesn’t just reek with awesome.

Those who may be able to defeat Chuck[edit]

“Even though this section is ironic, those who made it are dead for even contemplating to joke about anyone being remotely able to beat me.”

~ Chuck Norris on "Those who may able to beat Chuck"
When Chuck Norris takes his shirt off, most of his opponents back down.

There are some forces that could potentially cause a small threat to Chuck Norris. Steven Seagal for instance, possesses the same kind of hard faced, pure badassness in his films as Chuck Norris does, but the outcome of a battle between them depends on various factors. For example if Steven Seagal shaved off his ponytail, he could no longer hope to even harm the Chuck, and if Chuck Norris was to shave his beard he would be hard pressed to win. Other actors who also produce the same kind of stone faced, pure awesome, hard arsed raw action flicks as Chuck Norris are also potential threats, such as Jean Claude Van Damme, Clint Eastwood, Christopher Walken, Mr. T, Vin Diesel, Sylvester Stallone, Daniel Craig, and Tony Jaa, but provide a smaller level of threat.

Apparently, if Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jonah Lomu and The Hulk were to join forces, they could actually cut a single hair of Chuck's beard using a pair of diamond bladed garden shears. Of course, this would only be possible if Chuck was being held down by Vin Diesel and Mr. T at the same time. But the risk of enraging Chuck Norris is far too costly for just a single hair on his beard, so this has never been attempted.

It is worth noting that if Sam Fisher and Solid Snake teamed up with Captain America, they could potentially possess the power to defeat Chuck Norris, however, this cannot be proved as they are fictional characters. It can also no longer be conceived as Chuck Norris recently took over Marvel and killed Captain America with a fatal spinning Roundhouse Kick.

There are also a number of deceased individuals who are rumoured to have possibly been able to defeat Chuck, such as Jesus, Bruce Lee, Erwin Rommel, John Lennon, George Washington, Rocky Marciano, Erica Terpstra, her son Zanger Bob, and not to forget James Brown and the greatSteve Irwin . However, it is impossible for them to prove this in their current state. (Chuck having gone back in time to kill them as children.)

If Samuel L. Jackson and Morgan Freeman ever starred in the same movie they would create a being equal to the power of Chuck Norris. This creature would be called Samuel L. Freeman. An epic battle would ensue and the earth would implode killing everyone but Samuel L. Freeman, Chuck Norris ,Bruce Lee, and Mr.T.

Chuck Norris arm wrestles Samuel L. Jackson

It is rumoured that either Jack Bauer or MacGyver may hold the key to defeating Chuck Norris, but as all three of these men share the same goals and same basic methodology (destroying their foes through sheer inconceivable awesomeness) there is little chance that such an impossibly destructive war in heaven could ever take place, because let's face it, nothing that awesome could ever happen in real life.

Apparently, if this group of people joined forces, they COULD pose a threat to Chuck Norris, according to the Lemon Demon: Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Night, Benito Mussolini, the Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston, Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan. This battle has been prophesised to take place in a future battle called the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.

It has also been rumoured that the combined forces of Bowser, Captain Falcon, Dr. Mario, Donkey Kong, Falco Lombardi, Fox McCloud, Ganondorf, the Ice Climbers, Jigglypuff, Kirby, Link, Luigi, Mario, Marth, Meta Knight, Mewtwo, Mr. Game & Watch, Ness, Pichu, Pikachu, Pit (a.k.a. Kid Icarus), Princess Peach, Roy, Samus Aran, Sheik, Solid Snake, Wario, Yoshi, Young Link, and possibly Sonic the Hedgehog could easily take on Chuck Norris. Also, at least ONE comment on YouTube states that Segata Sanshiro could actually BEAT Chuck Norris, which should be quite shocking to those who read this article.

YTMND theorised that Chuck Norris had one weakness 1 but this was leter disproven 2.

There is a little known fact that, even God and Satan are scared of The Legend, and, if he wanted to, Chuck could overpower both heaven and hell at the same time, from the comfort of his hammock outside his holiday home on top of Mt. Everest.

If Chuck Norris ever became evil, then Avenged Sevenfold and Metallica teaming up would be our only hope, for the fact that IF Chuck Norris would ever turn evil, then it would reverse the religious and political stance of both bands and they would be against Chuck Norris. but this is unconceivable for the fact that if the two bands did reverse stances, then the universe would disappear for the fact that Avenged Sevenfold and Metallica not being evil would be impossible.

According to Legend, when the unstoppable force hits the unmovable object, it will cause the demise of Chuck Norris, but as Chuck Norris IS both the unstoppable force and the unmovable object, this is not conceivable.

It has been speculated that, of course, a fight between any of the characters/persons listed above and Chuck Norris is purely hypothetical, for if any of them got close enough to battle Chuck Norris, the area would explode. A square mile simply cannot hold so much awesomeness.

It's a true known fact, that Chuck Norris is too Badass to be beaten. Just look at the toilet paper he uses.

chuck norris was killed in the The Ultimate_Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, were all his enemys were involed


Some Facts About Chuck Norris[edit]

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an air plane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his dick.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive boner. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

32. Chuck Norris can speak Slapuu, and is the only non-idiot who can.

33. Chuck Norris built Rome in a day, then destroyed it in a night.

34. Chuck Norris became a homosexual because no woman is man enough for Chuck Norris.

35. Chuck Norris can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

36. If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it must be a steamroller after being pulverized by Chuck Norris.

37. If Chuck Norris can't fix it, it's broken.

38. But only because Chuck Norris pulverized it with his fist.

39. Chuck Norris doesn't tea-bag people, he potato-sacks them.

40. Guess who the fifth horseman is? Yup.

41. When Maxlam meet Chuck Norris, only Chuck Norris left.

Filmography[edit]

  • Chuck Norris and Skandar Keynes in The Roundhouse Kid (2007)
  • Roundhouse: The Chuck Norris Saga (2007)
  • Snakes on a Plane (2006)
  • War of the Worlds (2005)
  • Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny [1] (2005)
  • Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by BAREFOOT (2005) (TV series)
  • Dodgeball(2002)
  • Forest Roundhouse Kicker (1996)
  • The Mighty Chuck's (1995)
  • Top God (1995)
  • Maxlam Life (ACDC)
  • Heaven Bound (1994)
  • Roundhouse Kicks (1994)
  • Sidekicks for Kicks (1994)
  • Walker, Texas Ranger (1993 to 2001) (TV series)
  • The Kickman (1991)
  • Delta Force 2: Operation Stranglehold (1990)
  • Roundhouse Kicking the Terror (1988)
  • Kicking in Action IV: This time It's Personal (1988)
  • Braddock: Kicking in Action III (1988)
  • The Carafe Kommandos (1986), animated children's show, with Chuck Norris himself appearing to reveal the episode and the moral contained in the episode.
  • Firewalker (1986)
  • The Delta Kicks (1986)
  • Chuck Norris invades Britain. (1985)
  • Lots of Screaming (1985)
  • Kicking in Action 2: The Beginning (1985)
  • Kicking in Action: Before the Beginning (1984)
  • Lots of Rage (1982)
  • Forced Round House Kicking (1982)
  • A Bollock for a Bollock (1981)
  • The Dodecahedryn (1980)
  • An Eye For An Eye (1980)
  • A Force Of One (1978)
  • Good Guys Break Blocks With Their Bare Hands (1978)
  • The Worrier Within (1976) (documentary on Woody Allen)
  • Breaker! Breaker! (1976)
  • Chuck Norris And The Kick Of Destiny (1974)
  • The Teacher's Students (1973)
  • Return Of The Dragon (1973)
  • Highway of the Dragoon (1972)
  • The Wrecking Crew (1969)
  • Dr. Roundhousekick: or how I learned to shut up and vow Chuck Norris (1964)

Discography[edit]

The Makers Of Pokemon Were So Happy For His Help With The Album They Made Him This Pokemon Card
Walker Card.jpg
  • Instructional Soundtrack on How to Avoid Pissing Chuck Norris Off (2005)
  • James Bond Sountrack (1968-2004)
  • The Wiggles ~(2004)
  • Linkin Park Meteora with C. NoRz (2004)
  • Pokemon, the Soundtrack (2001)
  • Kicking Ass to the Oldies (2000)
  • Can't Touch This Beard (1998)
  • Indiana Jones Soundtrack (1985)
  • Cher -(1984)
  • Cats, the Musical (1976)
  • Killing Graham Barker