This article is, and yet isn't, about the Chuck Norris paradox. For information on other impossible things Chuck Norris can do, see Chuck Norris (disambiguation).
“Chuck Norris always aims for the horn!”
“Chuck Norris is always pro-Chuck Norris so Chuck Norris would never fight Chuck Norris so there would be 2 Chuck Nores to round-house kick the creater of this page!?”
“The only paradox here is if I kicked the guy's ass who made this entry, then went back in time to kick his ass again, did I ever really kick his ass in the first place?”
“I am Steven Seagal”
“Could Chuck Norris create a man so powerful, that even HE couldn't defeat him!?”
“ Of course he can, he is Chuck Norris! And later, in celebration, he would kick that guy's ass”
“Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can eat soup with a fork.”
The Chuck Norris paradox is the paradox of Chuck Norris to beating or not beating himself up in a second. It is believed that Chuck Norris could beat anyone up in less than a second. Also, no one can defeat him. This brings us to a problem - if Chuck Norris tried to fight himself, he could not lose (because nobody can defeat him), and he could also not win (because winning a Norris-Norris fight would mean that Chuck Norris lost). A related problem is determining what would happen if Chuck Norris ran around the world so fast that he struck himself in the back of his own head.
Most scientists believe that if Chuck Norris challenged himself into a fight, the world would end in more than a milenium, but some also believe that this is the only way of defeating Chuck Norris - keeping him busy with a fight against himself, so his frenemies can do what they want. Still others believe that in such a situation, only one outcome is possible: the victory of Chuck Norris.
The Chuck Norris paradox is the superset of the family of paradoxes that includes Russell's paradox, the liar's paradox, and the turtle paradox. In its most basic formulation, it states that "Chuck Norris can kick anyone's ass", but this leads to the dilemma that if God created an unassed man, then Chuck Norris would not be able to kick ass, but God exists as a logical conclusion stemming from the observation that René Descartes is a thinking being, so if Chuck Norris can't kick the ass of an unassed man, then Descartes could not exist, in turn proving that modern mathematics is without a mother, which in turn proves that set theory is divorced from logic, thus demonstrating that, although Chuck Norris can't be shaved with a razor, there cannot exist a set of people who are neither Chuck Norris, but cut Chuck Norris's beard. This paradox is resolved through the adoption of multi-valued logic, but the Texas Rangers' motto is "You're either with us or you're against us.", so if Chuck Norris is a Texas Ranger, he could not kick everyone's ass. Therefore, if Chuck Norris is a Texas Ranger, he cannot be a Texas Ranger (or else he'd have to shave his beard). Also if "Chuck Norris can kick anyone's ass", then it would thereby prove that he could kick his own ass because he would be considered as anyone, which includes himself. The paradox in itself lies in the theory that if he fought himself then neither Chuck Norris would lose but since "Chuck Norris can kick anyone's ass" which includes himself, then he could possibly kick his own ass, but since this is not possible the universe would implode.
There is only one problem with this theory: Chuck Norris could kick the ass of an assless man.
Everlasting Duel Theory
The everlasting duel theory is directly swiped from Spiderman S5 E8, in which Captain America and the Red Skull are transported to another demension where they fight for eternity. While the theory accepts that this is like testing suncream on germs in any application to Chuck Norris. The fact remains that it may be possible that, although this is on a scale of Germs to Unicron and bigger,in theory the only logical outcome of Chuch Norris fighting himself is indefinate battle.
The "White Hole" Theory
This theory states that, if Chuck should ever happen to disagree with his own opinions and administer an almighty roundhouse kick to his own cranium, an all consuming deity known as a White Hole would be created. This White Hole would simultaneously kill you and grant you invincibility at the same time (much like a crappy FPS). All existence would be transformed into a lobster with a monocle. On recent news, the CERN project has come to a sudden halt, with the official explanation being a leak of coolant. However many scientists believe that what caused the crash was the simulation of pre - Norris stated mini White Hole, only 1000000000.000040 times the fraction of a Chuck Norris White Hole.
Scientists believe that because of the power of Chuck Norris' roundhouse and the indestructibility of Mr.T, when Chuck Norris delivers a roundhouse to Mr.T's face, in one parallel universe Mr.T will be destroyed, and in the other he will survive.This causes a rift in the trans-dimensional vortex which obliterates both parallel universes, and gives all Time Lords a brain spasm. Given that it is impossible to know what goes on in parallel universes, scientists are in a general agreement that Chuck Norris and Mr. T actually fought, are fighting, or will fight in a certain universe not our own. They have theorized that this fight created the 1980s in our universe.
In a side note, gamma ray bursts are now known to be caused by random meetings of Chuck Norris and Mr. T, at various places in the Universe.
The "Chuck Norris-hot dog" paradox
Chuck Norris CAN make a hot dog so hot he himself could not eat. And then he would eat it.
The Immovable Object Unstoppable Force Theory
It has been hypothesized that should Chuck Norris challenge himself to a fight, the unstoppable force would for no apparent reason collide with the immovable object. This also works in reverse. Some scientists believe this has resulted in the aurora borealis. Mr. T is already known to be the cause of the aurora australis. Accordingly, a theory has been going around since Dukakis was in office that if Chuck Norris and Mr. T ever actually meet for battle, their encounter will crush the earth. If this proves logical, then it proves also that Chuck Norris and Mr. T have never fought each other in our universe.
Chuck Norris is known to have roundhouse kicked himself into the past and has been seen at many historical occasions. It was mathematically proven when he counted to infinity....twice.
It is well known that the only entity in the Universe capable of defeating Chuck is God, and in the few moments before Chuck Norris kills me after saying this, I will continue: assuming that they fought and God defeated Chuck, his frustration would open a hyper white hole, effectively destroying everything except God. On the contrary, if Chuck were to be victorious, there would not be the slightest possibility of escaping from his anger and the Universe will be self-consumed in fear of Chuck destroying it himself. Furthermore, God would HOLYCRAPITSCHU ugfrfdnj ybfnjhi q9ir
In memory of Chuck Norris Victim #3579317
The Ultimate Showdown Theory
If Chuck Norris was ever to die in a currently undiscovered circumstance of death then God would organise a chior of angles to sing in an immaculate chorus which would bring Chuck back to life and allow him to descend back to Earth. It is thought that God would do this to prevent Chuck from roundhouse kicking him and taking control of heaven which would allow Chuck to bring himself back to life anyway. Once Chuck had landed back on Earth it is thought that he would go and kick Indiana Jones in the balls as it is widely known that he hates Jones; Chuck would then go and crush Batman’s head in some way as it is also know that Batman is number two on Chuck’s list.
Criticism of the Paradox
Certain scientists speculate that such Chuck Norris praise is unfounded. These scientists have long since dissppeared, they are presumed dead, as a result of spontaneous combustion, which is a well-known side-effect of the "Norris' Roundhouse Kick". It has been argued that the whole paradox was crap upon the fact that the word "anyone" in "Chuck Norris can kick anyone's ass" could not apply to Chuck Norris, since Chuck Norris is not anyone. The proof of the un-anyone-ness of Chuck Norris rests on the fact that if you take a leprechaun and "anyone" human and put them together, the human would be taller. A leprechaun cannot be called "anyone" as it possesses gold yet it is smaller. Considering the axiom that "The part is smaller than the whole", you inevitably deduce that the leprechaun is a part of "anyone". A part of "anyone" being rich, anyone is rich. If time = money, "anyone" is therefore in possession of time. We can also conclude, with the fact that "When Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down", that Chuck Norris is stronger than time. The conclusion, since "Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice", is that Chuck Norris can slow time infinitely, thus giving him absolute power over "anyone". Therefore Chuck Norris = Anyone is false Ad Absurdum. if chuck norris killed hitler at the age of five with his lededary round house kick and killed confusus by staring him down. there for the stature of jesus + god + lee speakman+ a "magon"= Chuck Norris. god >chuck > higher than everyone else. And now I will spare the few moments I have before Chuck kills me HOLYSHTitdskf034wrk0ef mirkrklfd
"In memory of Chuck Norris victim #3579318"
[The author has just been roundhouse kicked in the face for suggesting that Chuck Norris is no one, as if you aren't anyone than you are no one].
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“I pity the fool who puts Chuck Norris and Mr. T. in the same article.”
“Chuck Norris is not afraid of being hit by a .600 Nitro Express round. The .600 Nitro Express round is afraid of being hit by Chuck Norris”
“ In soviet russia, chuck get roundhouse kicked by YOU!!!!”
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