Chuck Norris Bashers

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The Mighty Chuck Norris

Early Life[edit]

Chuck Norris in his schooldays

Born Chuck Upp Norris, older brother of Steve Norris the infamous failed British Cameroonionian both found in an abandoned tipi with their father and sexual instructor Michael Jackson.

He went to school in which he learnt the art of being sat on in the dirt and the right moment to hold your breath when having your head flushed down the bog.

He became very despondent over the years never having won a fight, when he was 16 his counsellor a middle aged middle class women who had never fought in her life and was 4 foot 8" and 70lbs decided it might raise his confidence if she arranged a fight with him as surely she would lose, remarkably he lost.

After taking a job as a janitor at a Kindergarten he beat a 3 year old in a very close fight, but a victory nevertheless, he never looked back and became a major hero despite having to get his counsellor and Bruce Lee to sort out his rivals so he could become World Karate Champion and a long film career in which this terrible secret was kept hidden - until now.

The 100 years Chuck Norris War[edit]

Chuck Norris in the 100 Years Chuck Norris War

For eons, Uncyclopedians have fought over the Chuck Norris page. Many of whom praised Chuck and what they considered his blessings, while others claimed that he was a false idol, and would vandalize the Chuck Norris page with their opinion. Chuck stayed well out of it knowing full well that he might get hurt.

The battle was fought until a standstill, with either side not wanting to stand down. The Chuck Norris fans fighting with all their might imitating the roundhouse kicks of their idol towards their aggressors, the Chuck Norris haters, who would assert various invectives towards the icon, such as questioning his sexuality and masculinity.

False god[edit]

Chuck Norris is a false god who gained his "power" (actually weak and pathetic slapping abitities) by sucking on Satan's penis, hidden under Neverland Ranch, with Mr. T and Vin Diesel. It also warped his mind, changing his career from mediocre action movies to horrible ones. Unfunny "jokes" arose but many people, sensing his unholy aura, believed they were truth, that he was a god, and set up an heretic tribunal form of worship hailing him, Mr. T, and Vin Diesel.

Fights he has lost[edit]

Aishwarya Rai, eager to explore the great historic tradition of Chuck Norris Bashing takes time out from straddling the world in crossover films to pin Chuck Norris to the ground

Too many to list at school.

Was going to kill Hitler, but got beaten up by Eva Braun.

Was going to take on Kennedy but got beat up by Lyndon Baines Johnson.

Attempted to assassinate Jimmy Carter but got beaten up by that fierce swimming rabbit that Jimmy had fended off.

Has been the target of every Feminist Group since the dawn of time (ie the 1960's).

During filming of Lone Wolf McQuade, Barbara Carrera alleged he pinched her bottom and waited for him outside, after a couple of roundhouse kicks and various punches he was lying in the dirt with Barbara sitting on his chest pounding away, eventually she got bored and went away and he was poured into the ambulance.

Jane Fonda spent much of the 1980's sorting him out as can be seen in little known videos such as High Impact Workover (1985), Complete Workover (1988) and later Fonda sitting on top of Chuck Norris (1992).

In 1996 to the Spice Girls who saw it as a way of establishing their feminist credentials. Chuck Norris later had quintuplets through the miracle of Girl Power - hallelujah! In 2006 as part of a Cameroonian pact (rather like Mephistopholean (see Peter Mandleson) except New Tory), Chuck Norris agreed to be Victoria Beckham's slave.

In recent years beating up Chuck Norris has become a rite of passage for those aspiring to high rank in the Democratic Party - Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, even John Kerry.

He isn't called Bill, but Uma Thurman decided to beat him up anyway - just bash him and sit on him a bit not actually kill him.

Jennifer Aniston took out her frustrations on him after being beaten up by Angelina Jolie, she says it is a relief to know that at least she can take Chuck Norris.

In another rather embarrassing incident he was beaten in unarmed combat by Natalie Portman, suggesting to her that he could show her a few moves in fact he couldn't even touch her as kicks, flicks, throws, knees to various parts and finally she posed on top of his chest as he lay sprawled unconcious for a snapshot to show her future children and then going off to appear in Little Red Riding Hood.

In a recent school visit a little boy kicked him in the shins leading to him being in traction for weeks.

Proposed to Britney Spears but was quickly chucked.

But most embarrassing of all even Frank Bruno beat him.

His Infuence on the world of comedy[edit]

Stand up commedians were having a hard time before the rise of Chuck Norris. After the huge success of his show Walker, Texas Ranger comedians rejoiced with the ability to make fun of someone other than George W. Bush. With his jokes Becoming more and more annoying he became stupider, till the point he actually believed he knew how to fight.

After hearing these jokes Chuck became infuriated and decided to kill the people who were spreading these jokes. He went to kill Hitler, Hitler was busy though so Eva Braun beat Chuck up instead.

Advancing muscle spasms has made it difficult for him to go out, recently he roundhouse kicked himself into the hospital.

Was for many hours trapped in the Public Library under Volume one of a Sixty Three Million Volume Book Set called "Chuck Norris Facts", in the latest edition of the work it says he was trapped under all Sixty Three Million Volumes, however he was caught on CCTV being rescued by a 3 year old girl and it quickly ended up on YouTube.

How to Bash Chuck Norris[edit]

  • Sit on top of him and pound away.
  • Hold him by the throat with one hand and use the other.
  • Trap his head in a vice leaving you free to use all 4 limbs on him without him moving.
  • Get someone else to sit on him while you bash him.
  • Stab him with his penis...Oh wait, it's too small.
  • With a baseball bat.
  • With words.
  • Give him a tongue lashing.
  • Compare him to MacGyver.
  • Do anything, because Chuck Norris will imitate you and get hurt (if what you did didn't hurt him).

An Important Reminder[edit]

Chuck Norris would've roundhouse kicked this article into the endless abyss, but he cannot because this is physically impossible, and he's too weak to do so anyway. Chuck Norris is also terrified of Bruce Lee. He'd do anything for that guy, but then again, who wouldn't?

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]