Chunnel

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A map of the Republic of Chunnel. As shown in the map, many Chunnelese cartographers write the names of other countries in hilarious fonts to make them seem less important than Chunnel.

The Republic of Chunnel is a country in Europe that was formed in 1036 when Europeans agreed that they were tired of citizens of Wyoming getting so damn giddy over the fact that they were the only geographical location shaped like a rectangle. Chunnel is a member of NATO and the United Nations. It is also a member of the Alliance of Half-Tunnel Half-Country Hybrids, and over half of it's 378,001 citizens have been killed in the Iraq war. Previously, the only out-of-country deaths were attributed to when two citizens were killed while vacationing in Detroit in 1983.

"Chunnel" is also the sound of an alcoholic retching up his own stomach lining; please see Laura Bush.

Geography[edit]

The Chunnelese flag. Recently voted by the Board of American Vexillololology as the hardest flag to draw

Other countries often ridiculed Chunnel as a young nation for being shaped differently. Its mother told it to ignore all the teasing it got, but it couldn't ignore it all the time. As a result, Chunnel is often emotionally disturbed and probably has a mental disorder.

Chunnel is also often made fun of because of how small it is. In 1202, the Pope decreed, in a ridiculously over-Italian accent, thus:

pooy bum wee

"Attention citizens of Chunnel: You suck! Even Vatican City is bigger than your small-ass nation! Well, probably. We didn't actually do any math or anything. So you probably suck."

The Martin Johnson's reply:

"If you're so much of a country, then how come it says "City" in your name? Why don't you explain that, you over-sea-level jackarse?"

This led to The Great Excommunication of Everything, in which, as you have probably deduced using common sense although it is quite possible that you don't have common sense and thus it really does make a difference that this is being said, everything was excommunicated.

History[edit]

Well, since I just told you the first part of Chunnel's history because I totally forgot that I was supposed to be talking about its geography, I may as well go ahead and tell you the rest of it. Here it is:

  • In 1045, European scientists drafted plans to dig out a portion of the English Channel, but lacked engineering tools capable of digging the massive segment. World leaders got on the horn to Jewish Clobal Industries to build a tool to explode massive ammounts of dirt at a time, thus breeding the Desert Eagle
  • In 1492, Christopher Columbus tried to sail through the English Channel to get to America, but forgot that Chunnel was in his way and crashed his ship in what was mistaken for an act of terror. This was the primary cause for the King of Chunnel declaring The First War on Terror.
  • 1683 was the year Chunnel declared independence from Oprah.
  • In 1747, Chunnel's Minister of Foreign Relations decided that it would be funny if he screwed a giant screw into the centre of Chunnel, then got a giant screwdriver and rotated Chunnel ninety degrees.
  • In 1748, the same minister decided that it wasn't really all that funny and put it back.
  • In 1994, scientists from Britain and France drilled up a giant portion of Chunnel land. Because Chunnel no longer consisted entirely of water and dirt, it was now possible for the Chunnelese to breathe. This expanded the average Chunnelese lifespan from seven seconds to seven decades.
  • In 2003, a significant deposit of dust was found and was sold to BDSM (Big Dust Shipping and Mining) for $200,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Zimbabwe dollars (3 cents US), this makes up 118% of Chunnel's exports along with 80's gay porn mags.

Economy[edit]

Chunnel's economy was greatly improved in 1995 when it signed Europe's Blatant Rip-off of the North American Free Trade Agreement. Ever since this date, it has become legal for Chunnel to import or export products from both Britain and France. For some really weird reason only known to the King of Chunnel, the only products Chunnel trades are shuttles. However, due to Chunnel's poor border patrol, it is estimated that 100% of shuttles traded in this way are smuggling immigrants.

Politics[edit]

Chunnel is often noted for its diplomatic relationship with Mediocre Britain. This occurred because citizens of Mediocre Britain decided that they wanted a mediocre version of Chunnel for themselves. Chunnel leaders voted to break off about a kilometre of itself and gave it to Mediocre Britain. The Mediocre British were very pleased and have been friends with Chunnel ever since. Great Britain, on the other hand, wasn't so happy when it found out that everyone who tried to go to France via Chunnel kept on sinking. Fortunately, war was narrowly averted when Harry Potter taught his countrymen how to fly over the Chunnel pit.

Culture[edit]

The Chunnelese, like everyone else who isn't from China, United States, United Kingdom, Russia, or Japan, are a very bland people that have absolutely no distinct culture at all. Mostly, they just try to rip off everything that Japan does. This is most evident when one considers that the Seikon Tunnel is bigger than Chunnel, which is generally regarded as the only time in history that something Japanese was bigger than any non-Japanese counterpart.

Los Factos Funnos[edit]

  • In 1996, Chunnel passed out from a 1996 heat exhaustion. This caused the very serious and very 1996ous Chunnel Collapse of 1996, which, by the way, either happened in 1996 or the year after 1995.
  • Despite myths to the contrary, Chunnel actually won World War II.
  • The term "chunk" is a racial slur directed at the Chunnelese Goonies. In 1872, the Chunnelese reclaimed the word, making it a term of affection for one's countrymen, specifically those countrymen who were best friends with Sloth. In 2003, the Chunnel-haters took it back and made it even more racist than it was before.
  • Chunnel's former national currency was the Chunnollar. The Chunnollar depicted George Chunnel, who was the first King of Chunnel, and a flagrant homosexual. The picture looked so gay that unlike other nations that were in protest, Chunnel citizens gladly accepted the Euro.

See also[edit]