Church Ladies
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Their piercing and relentless interrogations familiar to anybody who has attended a service at a church to which he does not belong, church ladies (mulier interrogans ecclesiastica) are common in most Christian churches regardless of denomination, and are estimated to comprise nearly 75% of the weekly churchgoing population.
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[edit] Function
The function of these enthusiastic elders is largely unclear, though the foremost experts in the field of ecclesiastical senology or "the study of old people in church" seem to agree that they primarily exist to accost any newcomers with countless questions about their hobbies, love lives and financial histories.
Some believe that the ladies are merely attempting to make the guests "feel welcomed", while others believe that the ladies have more sinister motives.
[edit] Classification
Church ladies generally fit into two broad categories: Veteran and In-Training
[edit] Veteran
According to the most common methods of categorisation, veteran church ladies are any who are 70+ years of age, although many sociologists believe that a church lady becomes veteran after her children leave home or are married off.
They are thought to be matriarchs in the social hierarchy of the church ladies, responsible for the handing down of the sacred traditions to the younger generations. Higher social status may be indicated by a larger hairdo, many of which exceed three feet.
The most common species of veteran church-lady (mulier interrogans ecclesiastica prisca) is the Russian Babushka (pl. Babushki, mulier interrogans ecclesiastica prisca babusca). Noted for their fierce nature, headscarves and solid oak walking sticks (along with their ability to use these as effective quarterstaves), these can be among the most fiery and aggressive church ladies, and should not be provoked.
[edit] In Training
In training, or "green" church ladies (mulier interrogans ecclesiastica nooba) are those young mothers whom the veteran church ladies slowly put through the initiation (a long and rigorous process, involving much tea, crochet and bunco) so that they will be able to assume the role of the veteran church ladies in the future.
They are often not as intrusive as the veterans, but will instead follow the older members of the pack to learn by observation.
[edit] Feeding Habits
Apart from their usual diet of tea, coffee and free donuts, the church ladies are thought to feed off of the negative psychic energy emitted as they slowly anger the new arrivals to the parish. In extreme cases, this feeding has even been known to cause death or coma in a victim.
Pack hunters, they will relentlessly pursue any unfamiliar (or even sometimes familiar) persons until they corner them. Thereafter, it is only a matter of time before the interrogative ingestion can begin. Once the process starts, it can only be stopped with the use of garlic
Money may also help to satisfy the women, and many former ministers testify to using large sums of the tithes to satiate the church ladies and thus to protect the congregation from their attacks.
[edit] Conclusion
Church ladies comprise a vital part of the parochial ecosystem, but their danger to personal mental health should not be underestimated.
[edit] References
- "Near Death Experiences: Tales of the Preternatural". D.N. Budge. Unreal: Timbuktu, 1997.
- "Who Supports Mike?". Phil T. Lyre. Mike Huckabee for President. <www.mikehuckabee.com>, 2007.
