Church of Buffy
Hello there! Welcome to the page on the Church of Buffy! This page presents a true and unbiased account of our beliefs!
Founded in 1997, the Church is the fastest-growing religion in the world. Their beliefs are simple to understand and useful in everyday life, if you are a moany 20-something vampire slayer on her period every week. It is primarily liberal and recognizes the Primacy of Sunnydale. It favors the essential truths revealed via the spirit of Buffyness whilst deprecating Buffyliteralism and does not get hung up on how big Sunnydale actually is, and how can it have a port and be in the middle of the desert simultaneously, OK?
Believers focus on the essential three-part essence of Buffy: the trinity, if you will. These elements include;
- The action
- The softcore sex scenes
- The obligatory crying about
- 1. the untimely death of her mother
- 2. the stress of fighting vampires
- 3. the stress of fighting daemons
- 4. the fact that all of Buffy's boyfriends dump her ass
- 5. the way that no-one understands her.
A long time ago, in the small and humble village of Sunnydale, a saviour was delivered unto humanity. This woman was called Buffy, and she has love in her heart for every single one of us. Yes, even you. As Buffy fights the forces of evil, she reminds us of our duty to care for our fellow humans, and to do good works wherever we can. Accepting Buffy into your life will bring greater joy, more money, and much better sex. Unless you're Xander.
We greet our friends and co-believers with cheerful smiles and welcoming arms, in the full knowledge that we are walking the path of correctness as we do so! Every member of The Holy Church is considered equal, save the Saviour herself, and the Matriarch of Sunnydale, Amanda Tapping, who leads us with a clear and guiding light sent to her by the Powers That Be!
Afterlife: For the Faithful
If you follow Buffy, accepting her into your heart, you wil be rewarded with a long and happy afterlife in Devon! There is no fear, no pain and no doubt (until they pull you out)! Everything is perfect and pretty! In Devon, no one ever gets sick, there are no taxes, and our holy scripture is on TV all day every day! Gold cars line the streets of Devon and birds will suddenly appear every time you are near!
Afterlife: For the Faithless
Bad people go to hell! Hell is full of pain and fear and doubt! In Hell, you will have no friends and you will be forced to wear those little shorts that hang like a skirt and show off your unsightly knees! You will be daily poked with pokers and tortured in any number of ways too icky to mention here! Talk to us about how you can avoid hell!
We hope to see you at a meeting soon!
The religion is populated by fan boys, Gothic wannabees, and people wishing to become vampires, like the geeks that they are. The Church has suffered a recent schism and some congregants have converted to Reconstituted International Peoples Church of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Scooby Gang, the now-defunct Church of Buffy, Giles, Willow, and Xander, or Battlestar Galacticism. It is still however the most popular denomination.
The Church was accused of embezzlement, exploitation, brain-washing and discrimination, but was completely cleared of all charges arising from the infamous Stargategate incident and the subsequent legislation. The Church was fully investigated by the U.S. Government and the report concluded: "The Church of Buffy is as open and above board as the government itself. What more could any of us ask?"