Church of Oprah

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Protect her, love her, obey her, fear her.

The Church of Oprah has stood as a cornerstone of modern American society for many a year. As a pioneering religion, the Catholics denied The Church of Oprah as a religion. This angered the followers of Oprah, otherwise known as "Oprians". The Oprians then waged a long and bloody war on the Catholics. The Catholics used the full force of their suppressive powers on the Oprians, calling for things such as not eating meat on Fridays, and condemnation of masturbation. This infuriated the Oprians, who's one main practice is to masturbate to a large portrait of Oprah five times a day. Oprah then ordered her followers to quickly annihilate the Catholics. The Oprians fired birth control pills upon the Catholics without mercy. This sharply decreased the Catholic's forces, since most of their forces were babies that were rapidly birthed, then thrown onto the battlefield. The Catholics were getting desperate. Needing help, they turned to the Jews.

Unfortunately, the Jews said they were celebrating a year long Yom Kippur holiday. Modern day historians speculate that they were just too lazy (This later turned out to be true, either that or it seemed like the perfect situation to help get rid of the Catholics, whom hate them). The Oprians also tried to enlist some help. They ended up turning to a fellow pointless religion, Wicca. The Wiccans did not help much, since all they ever felt like doing was running around naked and cutting themselves. The times that they did try to cast a spell, however, resulted in the entire Oprian army developing anal-warts. The warts were painful, but the Oprians were still able to fight, until the warts popped. After five more years of fighting, the Catholics surrendered, thus declaring the Church of Oprah to be as official a religion as Scientology (but we all know Scientology is fake).

Oprahnism, is now the official religion of Canada, Japan, and New Zealand.


Oprah loves to eat here, in spite of its connection with Catholicism

The Oprians follow some specific guidelines that the great one Oprah has set for them:

  1. You must worship God, your heavenly father.
  2. Every fifteen minutes, a commercial break will occur. This period should be used for deep meditation about the greatness of Oprah.
  3. You must sob uncontrollably every show, no matter what the premise is.
  4. No conversing with anyone of the Catholic Religion. They're all stupid doodie heads.
  5. Absolutely no speaking of Oprah's weight, unless it's something about her losing it.
  6. Say the word "Oprah", in every sentence.
  7. Only read the holy texts as presented in the Oprah Book Club.
  8. Also agree to worship her great second in command, Dr. Phil.
  9. Once a year, you must make a hazardous journey to the Oprah Mecca and buy tickets to her show.

Failure to follow any of these rules will result in losing your free car.

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