Churchdown

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Churchdown is the most boring village in the world. Period. Don't argue with me. I'm wrong?! How did you come to that conclusion! Hey if you don't want to read the article then fine thats not my problem...

The road to churchdown... as you can see no one uses it

History[edit]

In ancient times (2003+) it was first settled by the farmers of Gloooucestershire, due to the fact that they couldn't speak properly they called it Churchdownnnnnn (the last n is a mistake) when quite clearly the church is on top of the hill. The church was built in 0 A.D by a load of pagan vikings, originally it was a strip club and brothel but this closed due to high taxation by Cheiften Tony Blair. The church is now a refuge for old people from the chavs. It is also the birth place of road-kill in which on a daily fox hunt several dogs were smashed by a flying vauxhall corsa. Local farmers blame the fox, which hasn't been since, and it failed to attend it's court hearing with it being charged with 4 counts of murder and rape. It was here where the great polish migration of 1873 began when war began in Europe, this began the great expedition as at the time it was believed the village was the land of the free, but since they could not speak English this resulted in them getting America and Churchdown mixed up. The Village was frowned due to the fact many polish gypsys were invited in this part england. The Village has been black-labeled as a terrorist hideout and laboratory in which monkeys are being trained as suicide bombers. One incident was that a person went around stealing man-hole covers, don't ask me why... in 2000 chuchdown was never to be the same again. the local children from the primary school joined chosen hill and entered the village into a gloomy 6 years crime and terrorizing. this dark age was brought about by the local gangs of the area.

Geography[edit]

  • A hill
  • A church
  • Another Church
  • Some more Churches
  • Woods
  • Sheep and numerous other cannon fodder for the British Army
  • Did i mention a Church?

Population/Residents[edit]

A total of 11,000 people are said to live in the village, another several million mole men are said to live underneath the hill and generate electricity for the village. These are the results from the census taken in 2001:

  • 89% are old people
  • 50% are Chav
  • 0.1% Emo
  • and dont forget the 5 million mole men

Schools[edit]

There are 2 secondary schools as well as 2 primary schools. These all failed the governments examinations in every area including anti-social behavior. Chosen Hill School was first built as one them posh schools that everyone hates until finally a poor kid got in and they realized that in fact they were shit. They now boast themselves to be a technology college but on a recent visit it was concluded that in fact they still don't know what "technology" is, especially if you ask the geography teacher that wears a waistcoat. Churchdown are the arch nemesis of Chosen Hill. 99.9999% of the pupils have ASBO's and pretend to be black. It is also the breeding ground for most of the virus, bacteria and other parasites that have managed to spread to the rest of the world. Most of these were transported out of this shithole of a school by the dirty little cum guzzling sluts that live in the rat infested hell-hole (also known as coriander drive).

Crime[edit]

In a resent study it shows crime is on the increase in Churchdown, now over-taking Canada as the drug capital of the world. Many hippies come to stay yet are mugged and beaten ironically hippes have no possessions instead they were mugged of their virginity. The Village is regularly used as a battleground for chavs every friday night at 11 PM. Chavs from Gloucester and Cheltenham meet in the Park and begin to batter the crap into each other, there are no rules and the result is usually death or a really sore ass the next morning Melville road is increasingly becoming infamous for it's horrific collection of culturally unacceptable freaks of nature such as Brian the piss head (stellaman), Pickle the human sloath, gollum the troll of flat no. 5 and the entire Saunders clan which actually adds to 95% of the population of this shitty crack infested road. the poverty, that has become a by-product of such a criminally active area, has now forced OAP' s to start selling there wrinkly old saggy prunes to the local slags of churchdown school. Business is booming for the P.I.M.P Livin in no.59 but is leaving many casualties on the OAP side of things. It seems like the filthy male students seem to apply a swinging hay-maker to the rear neck of the pensioners (also known as a donkey punch). this donkey punch results in an involuntary squeezing in the anus. this is fucking brilliant when you are about to blow your nut.

July 2007 Floods[edit]

In July 2007 Gloucestershire was hit by bad weather and floods, this caused the village itself to become a boat and it soon began to float down river until it got stuck at slimbridge wildlife center where chaos ensured as all the polish immigrants began to eat the birds, this caused a massive debate in the house of commons where is was suggested that the village should be nuked in order to save the world, however it was not, this meant the infectious virus "boreditus" spread across the world causing millions of people to become bored, a vaccine is still being worked upon.

During the floods Churchdowns well known ship 'The Teetanic' was lost when it struck a gypsys caravan..all 12 passengers survived..but it goes to show how pointless gypsies are.

Things to do in Churchdown[edit]

  • Play cards
  • Play old-fashioned board games.
  • Paint landscapes of the countryside.
  • Color a pretty picture.
  • Take a bath.

Number of Churches[edit]

20 odd, possibly several thousand due to satanist cults

Notable Residents[edit]

  • The Piped Piper is said to have once lived in the village as a school headteacher until he was put on the sexual offenders list in revenge he played his magical "pipe" and kids from all around began to follow, they were never seen again and many say you can still here his call on the wind. Although most of the people who say that come form the local mental hospital "Churchdown Community Centre" and live never see daylight again.
  • Also Alan Carr is said to have lived in Churchdown though his high pitched voice was never welcomed and he was banished to MORDOR.
  • Super Douper Simon Pegg was said to be Christened in one of the many churches of churchdown. Unfortunately, as there are so many, no-one knows which one.

Warning[edit]

Please do not attempt to talk to the locals, they may be harmful, carry a shotgun and repeatably shout "GEET OFF ME LAND!" Extreme Caution is advised

See Also[edit]

Nuvola apps important blue.svg This template is blue because this article needs cleanup.
Please make spelling, grammar, or punctuation corrections, reorganize the content, or delete bad content and clich├ęs so this template will cheer up.

Incorrect usage! Please sign with timestamp: {{Cleanup|~~~~~}}