Chutney
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[edit] Chutney Basics
Chutney was originally the rendered remains of non-protestant Christian food-industry workers who were pushed in to processing plant during traditional play breaks in Tudor-era manufacturing facilities. Chutney is now thought to be responsible for the split between the State and the diabolic Bishop of Rome under Henry VIII. In recent times Catholics and Protestants have been allowed to sleep together provided they are either gay or blind, to the extent that chutney is now mainly comprised of ant eggs, condensed Tizer (Tab Clear in the USA) and choice spices like dust, chalk and astronaut.
[edit] General chutney evolution
Since English cuisine was far superior to the French equivalent during the 16th Century, considerable pressure was put on cooks to lower it's quality, especially following the so-called "Field of the Cloth of the Table of the Way of the Killer" where King Lewis XVCIV of France wrestled King Henry III to the floor and stuffed him with chive, apples and snail's eyes, resulting the Henry expelling a now-legendary savoury/sweet condament from the royal Exit. Such was the force of his expellation, some quantity of the "Chute-nay" was gushed on to the dinner plate of a retainer who mistook it for a new French sauce. Through experimentation and double-blind three-way multiball taste trials, a generally repeatable formulation for chutney was found by monks at Lindesfarne.
It should be noted that "true" chutney MUST include 10% air by mass.
[edit] Chutney conflict, Worcestershire Sauce Schism 1780-1934
Between 1780 and 1934, there was a sustained schism within manufacturers of chutney, who by this point were regulated by the Royal Guild of Sauces. During the formulation of the five most important types of chutney (mango, gooseberry, lamb, Harry and flaps), a dark fluid would develop if the base mix wasn't sufficiently heated. Master chuntetiers considered this to be the hallmark of poorly made, second rate chutney and would often run those who's foundries produced chutney of this type out of town, brandishing Lego maces and stickle-brick guns. However a select few who had tasted the heady juice were convinced that the fluid should be the aim, rather than the chutney it's self. Today we know this liquid as Woursecesterishire Sauce, and a division within the chutney community formed in 1779 which rivals the Wispa vs Aero saga, or the Bisto/Oxo Convocation of '72 in terms of drama, bloodshed and insatiable animal lust.
The arguments raged until 1934, when Whootshestintonshire Sauce was recognised by Le Federation D'Unit Internationalle as the liquid with the highest flavinoid per unit volume ratio ever measured, and a UN warrant persuent to UNESCO Resolution 162/54 was issued to all soveriegn nations forcing member states to recognise Werewolfstershore Source as a distinct foodstuff entity in it's own right. An uneasy peace has continued to today, although it's thought that some chutney manufacturers may be trying to replace Woucestershire Sauce with Soy Sauce mixed with fox's musk to see if anyone notices.
[edit] Modern formulation Chutney
Since the ceasation of World War II, it's been considered impolitic to deliberately murder Catholics to make chutney, but it is still acceptable to use recently deceased Christians of any denomination which takes Communion. In the UK, most private ambulances have a direct hotline to chutney manufacturers and a whole, fully grown Catholic will make up to 50 500ml pots of this exotic sauce. In the all too frequent event of a shortage of suitable believers, hedgehogs can be used although this lends the end product a strangely faecal caste and aftertaste. Adding extra ground beta-tester's teeth counters this and some manufacturers are experimenting even now on using the ashes of Muslims balanced with poorly printed rave flyers to capure a whole new generation of chutney lovers.
[edit] Unpopular Chutney Facts
Fat-faced UK entertainer Keith Chegwin uses chutney as toothpaste and gargles with the amniotic fluid of Asian cows.
Every newly-invested President of the United States must submit the closest Catholic member of their family for rendering down to a chutney which is used at the Congress Buffet on July 4th.
Monty Python star and musical bastard Eric Idle has never talked about chutney in a press interview, unlike nice guy Michael Palin who devoted an entire episode of "Bicknor to Catford" to a chutney factory in Harlow New Town.
Chutney is the only foodstuff which can not be delivered using parachutes due to it's immense density and poor aerodynamic qualities.
[edit] Chutney in Popular Culture
Chutney Porn is sweeping Japan, with many shocking films now reaching the west.
Chutney features in the smash-hit-club-cult-youth song 'The Chutney Song', which includes the famous verse:
Chutney, Chutney, is a wonderful sauce, you can have it with your popadum or with your main course.
It should be noted however that chutney is a preserve rather than a sauce.
