Cider
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Also known as "Happy brain death", "Legless in Taunton", "Rural rocket fuel", "Loser Juice", "Kung-Fu Cordial" and "Rats piss with alcohol", cider is a (notionally) drinkable liquid made mostly from apples. Well, mostly from things that have fallen off of or around apple trees and into whose origins it is unwise to inquire too closely.
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[edit] Fermentation
French wines, as is well known, are fermented by rare and exotic yeasts which have been bred in the families of vintners often for generations. Wine experts speak with awe of the Edelfaule that is responsible for the unique taste of wines such as the Schlockengetrunkenbeerenluftseilbahnwasserstoffauslese of Wurtzburg. Cider, however, is traditionally made with whatever appears to be growing on the apples at the time. If it is actually moving, though, it is sometimes allowed to drop off so as to create Vegan cider.
[edit] Maturation
Real Somerset cider is allowed to mature in plastic tubs for several hours before sale and consumption. Devon cider is allowed to mature for longer because Devon farmers do not get to market so often.
[edit] Concentration
Cider is subject to a secret process which is passed down from generation to generation, and which involves (among other steps) putting it into a chest freezer overnight and decanting the liquid afterwards. This raises the strength to approximately that of industrial methylated spirits, and removes the characteristic bouquet of tractor oil, making it approximately drinkable. Just as with the Austrian wine industry, cider is often improved with ethylene glycol. However, in the case of cider, this actually reduces the toxicity.
[edit] Applications
In recent years interest has grown in cider as an alternative, carbon neutral, biofuel. Unfortunately so far it has proven necessary to line the working parts of engines with exotic metals such as monel to prevent corrosion.
Experiments in using cider to etch glass were discontinued when it proved more toxic than the usual hydrofluoric acid.
Today, its major application is as a contraceptive for working class teenagers. This is considered to come under the European Union's Prime Directive (to stop the lazy, xenophobic and violent Brits from breeding any faster) and so is subsidised by the Common Agricultural Fund. The bounty for production of cider from English apples is, in fact, so high that supermarkets have to import apples from as far away as New Zealand in order to put them on the shelves.
In America it is seen as a manly substitute for the appletini. Many men like the flavor of apple in their booze. However, the gender police will arrest any straight man holding a colored martini (unless of course said man happens to be colorblind). To avoid having one's manhood go to gender court, men will simply drink cider as if it was beer.
Hornsby's is a brand of cider that is used as an aphrodisiac. Men have give it to women to make them horny.
[edit] Sociology
Cider is exclusively drunk by social classes C--, D and E. Anybody from a higher class who tries drinking the stuff will inevitably before long find themselves braindead, unemployable, and with gangrene in one or more extremities, so this is a fairly self-fulfilling statement. Unless he, she, or it is a member either of the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Battenberg family or of any of the social classes which refuse to use the word "toilet", in which case it's business as usual.
