Cincinnati, Ohio

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Cincinnati, Ohio.

Cincinnati was founded in 1897 by the United States Steel Corporation as the home of its new plant. The name was quickly changed when the city's founding fathers' discovered the name was actually local trapper slang for "I got the Clap while going down on a Kentucky prostitute, and All I got was This Craving to Put Cinnamon in My Chili..."

Cincinnati is best known for producing groundbreaking African-American mayor Mark L. Mallory, a hero to many aspiring black politicians because of his unique approach to governing equally as bad as white mayors, joining the ranks of Washington's Marion Barry in the pantheon of great leaders... but without the crack cocaine problem.

Cincinnati has long suffered from many affluent and rich upper-class residents leaving Cincinnati and relocating to the surrounding towns and cities. While this has been a blow to the economic outlook of the city, most citizens still celebrate the annual White Flight Coward Sales hosted by many downtown businesses.

Because of the loss of jobs in the city, many people left the area altogether for regions with employment. Cincinnati's fortunes have risen and fallen with those of the steel industry, and on the ability of the prostitution industry to flourish on former mayor Jerry Springer's bounced checks.

In the 1950s, like many other American urban centers, Cincinnati entered a downward spiral of decline, brought on by the growing competitiveness in the steel industry and layoffs for many workers from the Cincinnati area. Proctor & Gamble quickly usurped the steel industry's labor force, offering the same union-fighting corporate structure, but with better smelling soap in the restrooms. Crime increased, including use and trade in illegal drugs, under the supervision of crime lord James T. Molloy & noted terrorist Marge Schott.

Cincinnati faces numerous difficulties, such as high local unemployment, the Cincinnati Reds, the Brown family's success at keeping the Bengals out of the Super Bowl, economic restructuring, abandoned buildings, fragmented families, hippies and bohemian pest control problems, political candidates, uncontrollable lawlessness, war, a high rate of crime, Chad Ochocinco's breath, and a desolate, inhospitable city landscape designed carefully by urban planners to resemble a Cleveland Steamer left on the chest of a Thai hooker.

Completely randomly, however, and having nothing else to do with anything on here, Cincinnati is home to Cintas, a so-called company that provides uniforms that is actually a religion. The religion.

In March, 2008 the Chief of Police, Deputy Chief and a police sergeant were all indicted by the federal court for violating the civil rights of a Cincinnati resident. Cincinnati has been ranked the most dangerous city in Ohio, but the 2nd most dangerous city in America, especially for groups darker complexioned than albino near uniformed white men with badges.

Geography and Climate[edit]

Cincinnati is so screwed up that it does not even share the same climate or geography as the rest of Ohio; it is special. Cincinnati has a Humid Subtropical climate and is located in the Bluegrass area of the Upper South. [[1]] [[2]] [[3]]

Abortion and Gun Control[edit]

Where do you stand on the issues? Well, talk radio in Cincinnati has something for everyone. There are radio show hosts who offer up opinions on both sides of the abortion issue in Cincinnati. That's right! There are hosts who are against abortion and think anyone who has one should be sentenced to death. Then there is the other side of the argument, the people who are against abortion and think anyone who has one should be sentenced to death... except for them or someone close to them because "their situation is different."

Many citizens of Cincinnati have found common ground on the argument of gun control. They apply a color coding system similar to a terror alert chart. The darker your color, the less they feel you should have a right to own a gun. They apply a similar model to deciding who should be able to own a home or get service in a restaurant. Nonetheless the first purchase upon entering Cincinnati should be a high powered rifle and a large caliber revolver. It is the only way of stopping the rising tide of extremely dangerous poverty stricken individuals to push their way outside the 275 loop. Your second purchace should be a large suv or luxury automobile that costs more than your mortgage payment to own and maintain. This will give the skanky 20 somethings attention better than having your own meth lab.


Cincinnati neighborhoods[edit]

  • Addyston - Full of prostitutes, rapists, pimps, and molesters.
  • Amelia - Teen girls who are pregnant and use tobacco and cigars. A lot of men and women in this part of the city are obese.
  • Arlington Heights - This town is mostly surrounded by different fragmented families, gangs, and killers. This area is surely an urban decay.


  • Blue Ash - Most sadistic place there is, all whites and blacks end up getting wasted, shot, tortured, and/or beaten.
  • Downtown - The place where people sell tobacco, marijuana, alcohol, esctasy, weed, cigars, crystal meth, heroin, and crack cocaine.
  • Corryville - Lots and lots of XXX Strip clubs right by this neighborhood.
  • Clifton - Home to the University of Cincinnati, contains lots of abandoned apartments, train stations, and buses; people end up having tons of sex parties.
  • East Walnut Hills- Numerous opportunities for the suicide prone, including getting the possibility of getting shot for wearing a Browns jersey by by one of the local drunks on McMillan, then run over in a rusted-out 1972 El Camino by a john from Colerain too busy shopping for hookers to notice.
  • Golf Manor - A modern warzone. The Jews and Black Panthers fight for control and domination while keeping whitey under close surveillance.
  • Hamilton - Gays and lesbians run this part of the city.
  • Hyde Park - "I see white people." is the official slogan.
  • Indian Hill - Another urban decayed part in the city; 5 abandoned churches, 9 abandoned homes, and 6 broken cars are sitting in the street.
  • Loveland - Murder Capitol of Ohio, this area smells very bad.
  • Ludlow - Often mistaken for a sewage plant, this neighborhood of Cincinnati is found in Kentucky. Here Cincinnati's suburbs freely dump their trash and bodily waste products. The result has been a large number of people being born with HIV/AIDS.
  • Middletown - Also known as Middletucky. Official motto? "Pornstars & Steel...That's All We Gots." Former Hamilton natives are known to move to Middletown in order to get away from their parents and to feel better about themselves.
  • Milford - Despite being called MILFord, MILFs are here to be found.
  • Montgomery - Home of spoiled rich/poor kids, lesbian soccer moms, and ketchup-covered pork. Conformity is expected and required to live in Montgomery. Every road is 25 mph, with no stop signs on the main roads.
  • Mt. Healthy - Strangely enough, the most dangerous, fatal, brutal, foul/diseased part of the city.
  • North College Hill - Home of the maiden North College Hill Barbie.
  • Over the Rhine - Sort of like a dark midevil 3rd riech of prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers, and the new Casino.
  • Oxford - Known to most as Cincinnatian's as "Hickville," Oxford is known mostly for it's pot farms and potheads
  • St. Bernard - Contains crackheads, malestrippers and female strippers.
  • Lebanon - The only tourist attraction is a prison and the prisoners escaped out of the prison.
  • Norwood - In this part of the city, you'll find policemen that are drug addict and police women that are on crack.
  • Price Hill - CHome of both Elder and Seton High schools, Price Hill, in 1978, is famous for being the first place in the world where a person of European descent was compared to a loaf of Wonderbread. Many Elder grads become Cincinnati Police officers and are often affectionately known as "Pork Sandwiches" by many of the same drug dealers they went to school with.
  • Walnut Hills - Otherwise known as Stalag 13, hundreds of the city's best and brightest are herded into a special detention facility for the Queen City's gifted school children. Few are paroled, and offer suffer later in life as doctors, lawyers, and working professionals who, sure enough, still can't catch a taxi or not get pulled over because they fit the description. See entry on Price Hill for more information.