Circumcision

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Some of the many tools used to perform circumcisions.

“The only reason Jewish people get circumcised as babies is because they haven't come to appreciate their foreskin yet.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Circumcision

“The reason that Jewish males are circumcised is because Jewish women like having 10% off of everything”

~ Two Live Jews on Circumcision

“So vat you vant I should put in the vindow?”

~ Old Mohel on Why he displays a watch in his storefront

“He's circum-super-sized”

~ Sarah Silverman on Barack Obama

“Roughly 5 years from now, scientists discover that the foreskin is the physical center of all happiness. Jews around the world agree: "It figures."”

~ Roseanne on Circumcision

“Beauty is only foreskin deep.”

~ Plato on Circumcision

“We used to have a blind mohel in our town. He got the sack.”

~ Rabbi Silberberg

“we don't get paid, we just keep the tips.”

~ Dr. Rabbi on Circumcision

“I got circumsized and now i fuck my sister”

~ Rabbi Tom Lawrence on Circumcision




Circumcision is the ancient and currently widespread practice of removing the protective epidermal shielding from the highly sensitive naughty bits of an unsuspecting human with a rusty Swiss army knife and a dab of after-shave. Unfortunately, this cosmetical surgical procedure has totally failed to cure the horrific epidemic of teenage wanking in the United States, due to the wide availability of affordable lubricants. Circumcision amongst modern Muslims and Jews happens to be much more effective in this regard, which in turn leads to increased levels of aggravation and open warfare.

Circumcision has become so much in demand that an entire industry has popped up for it. Professionals who snip foreskin for a living (saving them for future arts and crafts projects) are lovingly referred to as Mohels. Mohels live almost entirely in the USA. They are like vampires, in that both suck the blood of their victims. But more precisely, they are like drunk pedophilic vampires (see Jeffery Dahmer).

Contents

[edit] Pros and cons of circumcision

These children weren't circumcised, and consequently have miserable lives.
The plus side

Medically speaking, circumcision is a really bad idea unless you don't intend to infect yourself with Crabs by having unprotected sex, at a slightly lower rate. The reason for this wonderous effect is mostly because your penis is suddenly rendered much smaller, and so the lice have less surface area to bite on. Similarly, instead of a 1 in 999 lifetime chance of contracting penile cancer, with circumcision, you now have a 1 in 1000 reduced lifetime chance.

If you are a baby and somehow survived the very bloody, mutilating and often lethal procedure, your chances of being molested by anonymous caretakers is reduced from a factor of 1 in 200 to 1 in 500. Again, this effect is primarily due to the overall reduction of surface area.

Also, when a baby has the most sensitive part of his wiener chopped off, he is put to the horrors of a world where young men are forced to fight the good fight for Jesus abroad, instead of being allowed to stay at home huffing kittens and playing video games all day long.

The minus side

The biggest disadvantage of circumcision is that you essentially can't spank the meat with wild abandon, unless you have enormous quantities of soothing lotion at hand. Or vegetable oil. Or peanut butter (creamy!, not chunky). Essentially, your dick is at serious risk of turning into a glowing red rod of hot searing pain. Plus, you have an increased chance of suffering from skin lesions, disfiguring scars, second-degree friction burns, immature ejaculation, death threats from anti-circumcision organisation NORM and erectile malfunction, becoming fairly useless to women. You also have 99 in 100 chances of becoming bullied and called names by your intact peers. So you'd better get used to be called pet names like "kike" or "raghead".

However, it's not like the parents would actually care about this.

[edit] Top 10 reasons for male circumcision remaining legal in the United States

  • 10: The powerful Zionist-Kitten Alliance (ZKA) promote circumcision in an attempt to convert the entire planet to Judaism (and blow up the ones that won't).
  • 9: Outlawing circumcision in the US would mean that all male politicians over the age of 40 would have to come to terms with not possessing a real penis, but instead a mutilated chunk of flesh resembling a dehydrated raisin.
  • 8: Circumcision allows obstetricians to charge shitloads of money in tax-shielded fees, introducing the typical young male American to a lifetime of being ripped off without asking. Literally.
  • 7: 89% of lawyers have sadistic and/or masochistic tendencies. It's a fact.
  • 6: Sharks don't have eyelids. This isn't necessarily related, but it's interesting, isn't it?
  • 5: Nobody likes a whiner.
  • 4: It is funny-looking. Shouldn't that be enough.
  • 3: The little-known tenth-and-a-halfth amendment to the Constitution, stating that "The right of Medical Doctors or Jewish Rabbis to permanently mangle the genitalia of an infant shall not be infringed upon."
  • 2: Leftover cultural influence from the Wang Wars of the 1670s.
  • 1: The first reason is nearly as complicated as the entire Xenosaga series. Just know that it has something to do with God, aliens and sexy female droids with knives on their hands.

[edit] History of circumcision

[edit] Circumcision in the Ancient World

Renegade kittens are responsible for inventing the blight of circumcision in 4003 BCE. They unilaterally imposed circumcision upon Adam at gunpoint in a desperate attempt to stop him from engaging in nonstop masturbation marathons, so that Adam would have more free time to pay attention to them already. Unfortunately the kittens entirely forgot about those who are female, and thus completely immune to the effects of circumcision. Thus, thanks to the advent of all-girl slumber parties, the rate of masturbation was soon back to previous levels and the stalemate continued until the battle of Verkatnippen in 1944.

Circumcision was first widely practised by Abraham in 1999 BCE, primarily as a means of indicating membership within his nomadic tribe [1]. However, for reasons unknown, all of the surrounding Middle Eastern peoples immediately adopted the practice and inscribed it in their ancient penile (sorry, er,... penal) codes.

In 4 BCE, after the Baby Jesus was circumcised, His first words were "Ouch! Owwie! Yipe, that smarts!" [2].

[edit] Circumcision in the Not-so-ancient World

Many centuries later, the Pottsylvanian count Vlad the Amputater personally circumcised the entire male population of his fiefdom, just for the hell of it. What a weirdo.

[edit] Alternative theories of Circumcision in the Ancient World

While engaging in a ritual of early autoerotic asphyxiation Abraham accidentally ensnared his penis in the noose, which resulted in a horrible injury. Because he didn't want his five hundred wives to know that he was "spilling his seed" instead of herding the goats, He spoke, "The LORD sayeth that you do this because he sayeth it." And so they did. One day after religion has died out, it is speculated that the ritual may continue and nobody will have any idea what it is, but they will just keep doing it because their fathers did it.

[edit] Mushroom Fetish

In the garden of Eden, Eve began eating shrooms, and soon grew strongly attracted to their hallucinogenic effects. She stopped having sex with Adam, and as one last attempt to win back her love, he cut his penis to resemble a mushroom. It worked, except that she soon began eating apples.

[edit] Circumcision in the Post-Industrial Age

When the orthodox rabbi Lemuel Skroob was recently asked why Jews are routinely circumcised so soon after birth, he reportedly said, "Because they can't run away.".

[edit] Trivia

[edit] Famous celebrities who have been circumcised

[edit] Famous celebrities who have not been circumcised

[edit] Things unrelated to circumcision

[edit] References

[1] Genesis 17:10
[2] Luke 2:21
[3] This is doubtful in light of Bush's medical records, which were subpoenaed by Congress in 2004 during the Iraq War inquiry. There is circumstantial evidence that the relevant before-and-after photographs may have been doctored.
[4] In spite of several unsuccessful attempts by Lex Luthor in 1964.

[edit] See also

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