Clara Schumann

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“What a horrible, disagreeable, bad person.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Clara Schumann

“Clara Schumann has done more to ruin the enjoyment of music than MTV, Celine Dion, the Super Bowl, and Carson Daly combined.”

~ Carson Daly

“If I had a time machine, I would travel to Clara Schumann's village and burn it to the ground.”

~ Dmitri Shostakovich on Clara Schumann (posthumously)

“Rock on, sister!”

~ Celine Dion on Clara Schumann

“Muahahaha!!! Soon my plan to destroy music will soon be finished!!”

~ Clara Schumann on her evil plot to destroy music

“And I thought Satan was evil!!!”

~ God
Clara Schumann: Self Portrait

Clara Schumann, born Clara Wieck, was born in Austria to Belgian parents Löszt and Næxtte Wieck, who fled Belgium to evade the ostrich-ninjapirate brute squad, hired by the conservative arm of Flemish Wallpaper to collect on gambling debts. She led a completely uninteresting life, and would have been completely forgotten by history if not for Robert Schumann, who fell in love with her fingers. As the punishment for fingerogamy in 19th Century Austria was execution by electric guillotine, Robert Schumann convinced (by means of Schnapps and an outlandish sum of money and toads) young Clara to marry him, and, she soon discovered, share in the enormous debt he accrued in convincing her to marry him.


Musical Career[edit]

To repay the family debt, Mrs. Schumann made a living through her invention, the player piano. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't this invention's manufacture and sale that garnered the Schumanns a fortune -- the invention was kept quite secret for decades. Rather, Clara, who went blind shortly after manufacturing the first prototype, would host grand concerts in which she would "play" the most complex, difficult musical passages on her player piano seemingly effortlessly. Audiences were taken aback at her impeccable technical skill and rushed buy tickets at outlandish prices, none the wiser that the music was being generated by a mechanical system of pipes and levers, controlled in a cavity beneath the stage by the Schumanns' staff of enslaved Belgian street urchins.


Legacy[edit]

Coming from an era of rude patrons, Clara Schumann's real impact on history, for which she is best remembered, is in utterly ruining the concertgoing experience for audience members in her era, and for generations to come. She published many treatises on concert etiquette, which became very widely distributed, including:

  • Shut Up, You Uneducated Cretins. I Know People in the Secret Police that You Don't Want to Meet.
  • Sit Down and Look Forward or Demons Will Devour Your Eyes and Feed them to the Unwashed Poor.
  • If You So Much as THINK About Opening That Candy I Will Personally Disembowel You Multiple Times, After Which I Will Resume the Concert.
  • Every Time You Talk During a Concert, A Kitten Is Drawn and Quartered.
  • Why God Hates People Who Arrive Late.
  • If You Do Not Pay Attention During Every Last Second of My Forty-Minute Mozart Cadenza, You Are Obviously a Complete Uncultured Moron Who Will Never Amount to Anything in this World, Will Die Poor and Alone in Bavaria, Will Be the Cause of Endless Suffering Among Underprivileged and Malnourished Schoolchildren, Are a Personal Insult to the Kaiser Himself, Are Lower on the Scale of Importance than a Salesman of Dutch Three-Legged Hamsters, and Will Die a Prolonged and Painful Death to Gangrene of the Genitals, After Which Your Remains are Devoured by Wandering Wolves, Excreted in the Gardens of Gypsies, and Cultivated into Grass that is Digested by Cattle Which is Fed to Adolf Hitler, Therefore Making You Completely Responsible for the Genocide of Millions.
  • Handy Tips for Building a Successful and Respectful Performer-Audience Relationship.
  • The Cost-Conscious Performer's Guide to Central European Secret Police Organizations

No.1 worst person ever[edit]

Clara Schumann was also famous for being the worst person in the world, ever. After lying about her age to marry Robert Schumann who was 116 years older, she left him to have a romance with Brahms. Brahms had a beard... need I say more?