Clarence Thomas

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Justice Thomas in his Chippendales uniform

Justice Clarence Thomas (AKA Uncle Thomas, Long Dong Silver) has been an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States since 1991 and a Chippendales dancer since 1979.

After being introduced to exotic male dancing by a young Chris Farley, Thomas quickly worked his way up the ranks using the gimmick of being a judge during his strip-shows. In 1990, Fate knocked on Thomas' doorstep in the form of President George H. W. Bush. Hired as part of a male entourage to a "girls' night out" party for First Lady Barbara Bush, Thomas was spotted stripping out of his usual judge's robes during the act, and a drunken George W. Bush (then acting as owner/manager of the Hackensack Bulls) convinced his father to nominate Clarence Thomas for membership on the Supreme Court right on the spot, despite Thomas' complete lack of qualifications, except that he is an evil Uncle Tom buttboy. The senior Bush, for his part, was happy to oblige, since he wanted to hoist the Democrats on their own petard by nominating an African-American, albeit a Fascist one, to the Supreme Court. Thomas agreed to accept the nomination on the condition that he be able to continue to pursue his dancing career. After the nomination, the country was riveted when a former private client, Anita Hill, came forward and praised his sexual prowess and immense dong. Her testimony sealed Senate confirmation and Thomas assumed a seat on the Supreme Court.

A groin injury in 1997 forced Justice Thomas to end his association with Chippendales. He has reluctantly continued to sit on the Supreme Court ever since, having gained a reputation for providing many personal services to its female members as well as Justice Scalia. It is likely that new Associate Justice Samuel Alito will also avail himself of what Thomas has to offer. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is a Thomas client as well.

Justice Thomas has been accused of sleeping during Supreme Court cases. Thomas defends his naps by saying, "I'm not sleeping, I'm just listening to this boring crap with my eyes closed." Thomas also rarely speaks during oral arguments. Some attribute his silence to the fact that he has the voice of God, and no mere mortal can survive the awe of his words. That, or talking would interrupt naptime.

I mean, come on, when you have to show up for work about 40 days a year for 3 hours a day and have four law clerks do your work for you, you would need a nap, too.