Clarion, Pennsylvania

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Clarion, Pennsylvania is a rural green hellscape situated in the similarly named county of Clarion in the rolling, heavily forested, wolverine-infested hills of Western Pennsylvania. The town is generally belived by many to be approximately 100 miles (161 km) north-north-northeast of the medieval city of Pittsburgh, approximately 33 miles north of Alabama, and only marginally close to Luxembourg.

History[edit]

Prior to the settlement of Europeans, the area was inhabited by small, roving bands of Australian aborgines called the Clarionobobos, from which the town eventually derived its present name. The first European to enter the area was the notable 13th century Estonian explorer Priit-Siim Tiit Jäääääärve who established a small ferret pelt trading outpost on the banks of the swift flowing Clarion River; although from records held at the Clarion County Historical Society, it is unclear who Jäääääärve traded with due to the inability to read his apalling chickenscratch handwriting and the complete silliness and unintelligibility of the Estonian "language".

The first permanent European settlement came in 1809 when a small band of 29 illiterate, toothless German itinerant peasants were forcefully expelled from the Vaterland for "kriminal akts verboten by nature und vith beasts". Today, all 6,185 and a half of the residents of the town are descended from these first early, slobbering, slackjawed, pioneering cabbage and dachshund farmers.

Economy[edit]

Clarion has an agrarian-based economy and is a minor exporter of beets and gravel. Major trading partners include the neighboring villages of Lower Schlabia, Skunk Hollow, Opossum Hills, Anschlussburg, Einsatzgruppen and Belmopan, Belize. Major imports to the town are partial plate dentures, Bedazzlers and piñata effigies of gay men.

The median income for a household in the village was a paltry $1,902, and the median income for a family was $4,208. Many males earned significantly more in the lean winter months by supplementing their income sniping white-tailed deer from the flatbeds of pickup trucks and selling the venison along roadside stalls to menaced and mortified travellers who may accidentally pass through the town. Many female residents of Clarion are unemployed and spend the majority of the day phoning in queries to Pat Robertson's 700 Club. In the spring months, area children are frequently "loaned" to neighbors to be tethered to harnesses to plow onion fields and are compensated with cornhusk dolls and tobacco.

In August of 1994 the town's prosperity burgeoned when Alois Einfaltspinsel opened the Clarion's first Cabbage Yogurt shop on Main Street. The bustling shop employs three individuals, making it Clarion's largest privately owned business and Alois Einfaltspinsel a locally celebrated and highly esteemed entrepreneur.

Government[edit]

Clarion Bürgermeister Albrecht Baader-Meinhof spends a busy Thursday evening directing crucial town policy.

The town of Clarion, Pennsylvania is governed by a seven member Politbüro who are appointed by the general population every 3 years during a gathering by locals on Interstate I-80. All present are blindfolded except for the town's eldest resident, 88 year old Heinz Arschgeige, who wields in his hand a very agitated opossum. On the count of drei all are instructed to wander aimlessy about while Herr Arschgeige wildly swings the opossum by the tail. The first seven individuals bitten severely enough to draw blood are then elected as members of the Clarion Politbüro.

As of 2007, the current governing body of the Clarion Politbüro is comprised of:

The town's current Bürgermeister, Albrecht Baader-Meinhof also serves as Clarion's coroner and butcher.

Festivals[edit]

The residents of Clarion proudly celebrate their German heritage by celebrating Oktoberfest on the 11th of May each year. Fesitivites include bobbing for sauerkraut and the ever-popular "Kraftwerk Karaoke Kompetition", in which participants sing lively renditions of such popular progressive kraut-rock tunes as "Trans-Europe Express" and "The Model". At dusk, the festivities conclude with a moving re-enactment of the 1939 invasion of Poland, with children brandishing pitchforks and the adults gaily climbing onto their tractors, the townspeople charge into the nearest cornfield and raze a barn filled with pierogis and Chopin sheet music.

Notable Clarion residents[edit]

  • One of the Backstreet Boys or N Sync or . . . one of Osmond brothers was born here . . . or, something.
  • Clarion born actress Gabriela Gottschmackt had a minor role (in black face) in the 1915 D.W. Griffith directed epic drama The Birth of A Nation. She then toured the vaudeville circuit in the 1920s with a minstrel troup called "Those Darn Darkies". She retired from show business in 1932 and became a respected breeder of show-hamsters.

(Possible) Tourist Attractions[edit]

  • The nation's second largest crystal meth-lab, owned and operated by Schwanz Bros. Pharmaceuticals™.
  • The "Eternal Flaming Cross of Clarion" - a 50 foot high cross initally ignited by locals to welcome the town's sole Jewish family, the Bernbaumwitzsteinbergs in 1957 (the family relocated to Israel shortly after).
  • Seidle's cornfield - a . . . cornfield.

Fun Facts[edit]

  • Sodomy between consenting adult males is punishable by a public flogging of up to 25 lashes with a cat o' nine tail. However, forceful sodomy between a male and another, less willing male is openly encouraged.
  • It is alleged that Hollywood actor Robert Mitchum once used the men's room at Big Herman's Filler-Up in the 1950s. (Herman had the stool shallacked and it now resides in a plexiglass container at the Clarion County Historical Society on permanent display.)
  • In the summer of 1933 a major drought plagued the town, and local officials encouraged residents to conserve their urine in "community buckets" for public consumption and bathing.
  • In a 2003 Gallup Poll, 87% of residents of Clarion did Believe It Was Butter, 11% of the population thought it may be petroleum jelly or lubrication (and used it as such) and the remaining 2% thought it was possibly "some sort of unexplainable satanic manifesation".
  • Clarion, Pennsylvania has one of the nation's highest rates of infant micracephaly.