Claymore

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Claymore is josei manga disguises itself as a shonen-esque anime, but is in fact an attempt to corrupt the young boys and woman of Japan with explicit lesbianism and woman-on-boy sex, and is so popular that they named a kind of sword after it. Of course, there's one fatal flaw in this scheme: children are already the most corrosive substance in existence (especially in japan, the country that brought you kancho), and so trying to corrupt them further is like squirting an eyedropper of salt water into the ocean. Claymore involves hot chicks and large swords, which is a winning combination, no matter what you're doing. Example:

Guy 1: I was thinking about making an anime about the American Civil War.

Guy 2: Why not throw in some chicks with swords?

Guy 1: BRILLIANT!!!!!

See what I mean?

The world of Claymore is filled with monsters called Yo-Ma, and like many such places, has nothing even remotely associated with an army (see Laws of Anime Physics). In fact, many towns don't even have police, thus explaining the chronic levels of crime and banditry. An organization heroically created half-breeds and sent them off to kill the monsters, deciding not to name themselves or their creations because they thought that that would be ominous. Unfortunately for them, the clever townspeople of the world decided to call 'em "Claymores," and the name stuck. Claymores kill Yo-Ma, but they sometimes turn into Awakened Beings, which are like Yo-Ma, but ten thousand times as powerful, so in the grand scheme of things, the Organization is a bit in the red.

It may seem like quite a feet for iron-aged primitives to sucesfully splice human and demon DNA together and end up with something that doesn't look like the abomination unto the Lord that it is, but as luck would have it, Yo-Ma flesh is more promiscuous than Oscar Wilde; basically, you could weld it to old soviet tanks and have a half-way decent chance of coming up with something useful. The organization claims that the reason that there are no male Claymores is because they awaken easily, but that's a lie. The truth is they don't want them breeding.[1]

Characters[edit]

This show's plot revolves around the characters, unlike most animes, which just use them for cannon fodder.

Clare[edit]

Clare is the main typical boring heroine character (Theresa should be main leading-heroine character of the show from the very beginning). She became a Claymore by canniballistically eating the brains of another Claymore named Teresa, whom Clare had come to think of as her mother, in spite of the fact that the woman treated her like crap. She lives to avenge Teresa's death, occasionally molesting young boys and hanging out with Debora LaFave, sometimes at the same time. There are no age of consent laws in the world of Claymore, and even if there were, so what? There are no police.

Her hobbies include molesting young boys, being cold and emotionless, pretending to be bad-ass when she's not, getting people killed, and killing people.

Raki[edit]

Raki got his name from the fact that his parents didn't know how to spell "Rocky," and has a fetish for women who can kick the crap out of him. His brother, Zaki (their parents also couldn't spell or pronounce "Zachary") was eaten by a Yo-Ma, who then took his form because it was a prick and wanted to fuck with the family of the guy it just killed. It then fell in love with Raki, like all Yo-Ma the boy encounters, and is then killed by Clare in a fit of jealousy, who kidnaps Raki and makes him her love slave. His scent is scientifically proven to be the Yo-Ma and Claymore equivalent of kitten huffing. Or it could just be that he's the male lead of the show, and so naturally has a harem, in spite of being underage (anime cliche #21[2]).

His hobbies include getting sexually molested, being attacked by demons, getting rescued, being completely obsessed with Clare, disappearing for seven years, and not killing people/being a pussy for clare so that she can look awsome.

Theresa[edit]

Theresa, self-proclaimed Number-One Badass Goddess Fighter in the Organization, has five episodes dedicated to her towards the beginning of the series, and then pretending on died. Clare then eats her brains, but only got a small portion of Yo-Ma power, because there wasn't much there (ooh, SNAP!). Clare tries to emulate Theresa power 2.0, but is laughably weak, recieving the rank of 47 out of 47. The Organization has decided to only have one Claymore per region they operate in, in order to fight hundreds upon hundreds of Yo-Ma. Hey, I never said that the Organization is bright.

Her hobbies include extorting peasants cowardice, Helping lone children to raise as her own foster child, killing the demonic things, thinking that she's better than everyone (which is hundreds percent facts), and killing those murderous bastard.

Priscilla[edit]

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People killed by Priscilla.

Priscilla is the major villain of the show and so naturally is the biggest another badass ever, while Clare the weakest Claymore ever, is determined to kill her (anime cliche #47...ironically). Priscilla is the most powerful being in the universe, having consumed the essence of Chuck Norris, and once made Vegeta her bitch. Raki runs off with her when he realizes that she's much more powerful than Clare is, which is why Clare wants to kill her. Likes to run around naked, which would be awesome, if she wasn't so obviously underage (anime cliche #32) is awesome.

Her hobbies include amnesia, senseless and wanton slaughter, stealing Clare's boyfriends, convincin herself that she's not an Awakened Being, in spite of having purple skin and wings, and killing people.

Isley[edit]

"Easly" in the anime, because those people can't spell any better than Raki's parents. Isley is part of Priscilla's harem, with Raki and Rigald (Rigardo in Engrish). He dyed his hair white because he's a Shesshoumaru wannabe, and tries to act as bad-ass as Sesshoumaru is. He doesn't pull it off, but unlike Sesshoumaru, he gets laid on a regular basis, so in the grand scheme of things, he's the victor. He commands an Army of Worthless Pawns, that he throws away first chance he gets.

His hobbies include not letting any man be stronger than him in any way, wanting a girlfriend who is at least twice as strong as he is, and killing people.

Rigald[edit]

Isley's rival/gay lover (anime cliche #17[3]), as well as fellow whore of Priscilla, Rigald fought Isley for dominance and lost, thereafter becoming his bitch. He's in a grand total of nine manga panels, because Isley sends him on a suicide mission first thing after this happens. Also, he can turn into a lion, or something.

Rigald's hobbies include chasing mice, combing his lionesque main, "fighting" Isley for "supremacy,"[4] and killing people.

Rifle[edit]

Named after a weapon that doesn't exist in the world of Claymore, Rifle was ostracized as a child, which is why it was so easy for the organization to pressure her into becoming a Claymore. At an incredibly young age, she scheme-schemed and plot-plotted her way to that number-one spot.[5] Then she turned into an Awakened Being, getting tired of doing the bidding of evil humans. All tentacle monsters in hentai are her children.

Rifle's hobbies include having sex with ugly guys, luring pedophiles to their deaths, pretending to rule the world, and killing people.

Duff[edit]

Named after his parents' favorite actress, Duff was once a part of the Three Musketeers with Isley and Rigald, but left, deciding that he wanted to have sex with women (this was before Priscilla came along). He then hooked up with Rifle, and she has saved his ass many a time since. Being ugly, large, slow, whiny, ugly, and stupid, the only explanation experts have come up with for why they are still together is that he must be good in bed (i.e., capable of sustaining a lot of damage). Since Rifle is the mother of hentai tentacle monsters, it is assumed that Duff is the father, but frankly, they look nothing like him.

Duff's hobbies include being totally pussy whipped, shooting javelins made of his own innards at people, attending elementary school, opening a can of whoop-ass on Isley's Army of Worthless Pawns™, and killing people.

Helen and Deneve[edit]

Helen develops a crush on Raki and would have tried to sexually molest him, had she not already been in a lesbianic relationship with Deneve. Which is a good thing, because had she molested him, Clare would have killed her, but since she didn't they became friends. It's a strained friendship, though, because Helen is prone to randomly attacking Clare for shits and giggles and sometimes cops a feel off Raki. Deneve has a brief affair with Undine, which is brought to an end when Hellen kills her in a fit of jealousy. Deneve honors her memory (or something) afterwards by stealing her sword,[6] burying her in an unmarked grave, and using Undine's sword as her own so that her actual sword doesn't go dull (Deneve is an incredibly cheap person).

Helen's hobbies include being a loose canon, randomly attacking her friends, flirting with pubescent boys, randomly attacking total strangers, and killing people. better half, making lesbian porn, trying to dual-wield, stealing other people's swords, and killing people.

Miria[edit]

Miria (Engrish for "Maria") is a conspiracy theorist who thinks that the Organization is out to get her...and they are. After sending her on many suicide missions which she somehow survived, they send her and a few redshirts (Deneve, Helen, and Clare) after a male Awakened Being, hoping that they would mate. Instead, they kill it, and Miria recruits the other three to her cause. Like I said earlier, the Organization is not very bright.

Her interests include looking at 9/11 conspiracy theory blogs, leading armies into pointless last stands, faking her own death, and killing people.

Jean[edit]

After Raki runs away with Priscilla, Clare decides to try switching to women for a while, and gets Jean to become her loveslave by pretending to save her from becoming an awakened being. In reality, Clare just knew that the Yo-Ma inside of Jean always did things half-assed, and took credit for it when the monster inevitably receded. Clare later decides to switch back to little boys (women have the amazing ability to change their sexuality however they see fit) and kills Jean by tricking her into thinking that she sacrificed herself to save Clare.

Her hobbies include being honorable, finding out what she looks like as a demon, and not killing people.

Ophelia[edit]

A psychotic goth vampire-wannabe who loves the taste of human blood, and gets her fix by shanking people and drinking her fill, she is so pissed at Irene for pwning her in front of Clare that she turns into a demon that eats people's guts. This actually improves her personality.[7] She finds Clare again, but by now she had stolen Irene's arm, thus by causing Ophelia to lose their $20 bet. Ophelia kills herself in shame.

Her hobbies include killing people, being a psycho, killing people, pretending to be a vampire, killing people, sticking pointy objects into Raki's body, killing people, being a psycho (did I say that one already?), killing people, and killing even more people.

Irene[edit]

One of a group of women sent to kill Theresa, Zel- I mean Irene ("Princess Ilena of Hyrule, waits what?" in Engrish) loses her arm to Priscilla, who then took a leg from Theresa and gave them to a vendor because she didn't know that "cost you an arm and a leg" was just an expression. She survives, but Theresa dies of gangrene. Irene gives later Clare her other arm because she is obsessed with symmetry. Clare promises to returns it, but instead sicks Rafaella on her by telling her that Irene made fun of her sister, Luciella.

Her hobbies include nature walks, hiding from bounty hunters, trying to make her left arm grow back, and killing people.

Rafaella[edit]

A Claymore with only one eye, having cut the other one out on a dare, Rafaella (whose parents didn't know that that wasn't a real name) is the Organization's hitman, mercilessly hunting down and shanking anyone they want out of the way.

Her hobbies include hunting people, killing people, watching 3-D movies, killing people, plotting her sister's death, and, as always...crochet.

Ruble[edit]

Named after Barny Ruble, this is a suspicious looking man in black who collects the payment for the Claymores' services. He is bald and wears sun glasses in direct defiance of the fact that sun glasses shouldn't logically exist in the world of Claymore.

His hobbies include showing no visible signs of aging in spite of having been around forever, taking credit for getting rid of Yo-Ma, sending hot chicks on suicide missions, keeping secrets from people, watching Claymores' shower, and acting like a jerk.

Deviation of the Anime from the Manga[edit]

The manga ran for seventy-two chapters and then they decided to take a seven-year hiatus,[8] so the makers of the anime decided to take it in a completely different direction after episode 19. The Anime ending was apparently designed by top Japanese scientists to end the series as quickly as possible, while at the same time make up for the gross lack of anime cliches. (There had only been a dozen or so in the nineteen episodes so far--a record low!) Even if you don't read the manga, you can tell when the anime splits from it, because it suddenly starts sounding like Dragon Ball Z, and Raki decides he wants to "protect" Clare, a woman ten thousand times as powerful as he or any mere mortal could ever hope to be. I mean, Rigald "powering up" in the middle of a fight, rreeeaalllyy?

This anime is highly unique in that while there are chicks with swords, there aren't many male equivalents. This doesn't seem like much to an american audience, but in Japan, making all the most powerful characters women (especially when none of them are idiots) is a highly controversial and revolutionary idea. The anime tried to remedy this situation by showing how the (all-female) Claymores got pwned by Isley's (mostly-male) Army of Worthless Pawns, and then bowing out while hoping to appease the Anime Gods with buckets upon buckets of cliches. (Apparently, all of the male Claymores from more than a century ago, before the Organization realized that boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, had turned into Awakened Beings and with the exception of Duff and the one the Organization tried to breed Miria with had joined Isley's army.) The manga, however, held out as long as they could, before finally kowtowing to conformity, and introducing Clarice, a character so weak, clumsy, and dumb that she can't even dye her hair properly. The Organization, deciding that they'd be better off without her, decide to sacrifice Clarice to Miata, a mentally unstable child with the power to destroy the entire world (anime cliche #5[9]). Instead of killing her, Miata confuses Clarice with her mother, and Clarice becomes useful by proxy, because through her, they can control Miata, Miata having much in common with Norman Bates.

Manga-Only Characters[edit]

Luciella[edit]

Has one scene. Gets into a slap fight with Isley and barely survives, just to be shanked by her own sister over a dispute in their parents' will. She apparently has mouths all over her body in order to give multitudes of oral sex to many people at one time.


Her hobbies include plotting global domination, trying to win her sister's love, and drooling over Isley.

Clarice[edit]

The aforementioned hot mud MILF™. The writers gave her a name and rank similar to Clare's in order to mock her (mock Clare, that is). The difference is that, while Clare was ranked 47 out of 47, Clarice is ranked 47 out of 30.

Her hobbies include tripping over her own feet, breast feeding, being late, and popping pills.

Miata[edit]

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People killed by Miata.

Miata is a mentally unstable young girl who once ripped off both of Goku's arms and beat him to death with them while in one of her "off moods." As if that's not scary enough, just imagine what it will be like if she Awakens, or, worse yet, when she's old enough to have PMS. HOLY FUCK WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!! Excuse me for that fair warning outburst. Anyway, as I was saying... She sometimes thinks she is a grue, with disastrous results for whatever town happens to be the nearest. While this would be a fatal error for most to make, she is powerful enough to kill grues, and often eats them for dinner. See what I mean about we are all going to die?

Her hobbies include trying to breastfeed on Clarice, ripping demons to shreds with her bare hands, and slapping around the cast of DBZ.

Alicia and Beth[edit]

Twin sister Claymores, they were made using parts of the same Yo-Ma, because the Organization was running low that day. Using the Magic Power of Twins™, Alicia can awaken, while Beth "holds her humanity" and restores her to her human form after the battle. So, in other words, Alicia becomes powerful and bad-ass, while Beth stands around and does nothing. It is clear which twin got the short end of the stick.

Their hobbies include fighting Yo-Ma and...um...er...

Cynthia, Uma, and Tabitha[edit]

They exist in the anime. It's just that nobody cares. Come to think about it, no one cares about them in the manga, either...

Their hobbies include being lucky enough to survive, not being cared about, and making it seem somewhat less suspicious that the main characters survived the "War" in the North.

Comparison: People Who Have Been Killed By...[edit]

Priscilla:

Miata:

Clare:

  • Ophelia
  • Rigald
  • Jean
  • Priscilla (she wishes)

Ophelia:

  • no one's survived to squeal on her

Related Content:[edit]

References[edit]

  1. see also: Jurasic Park
  2. see also: Naota (FLCL); Shinji (Evangelion)
  3. see also: Kazuma/Ryuhou (S-CRY-ed); Yusuke/Kuwabara (Yu Yu Hakusho)
  4. This is about as believable as it was with Kazuma and Ryuho (last footnote).
  5. see also: Nelly
  6. Since a Claymore's sword is supposed to double as her gravestone, this is technically graverobbing.
  7. I'm not making that up.
  8. Seriously.
  9. see also: Shinji, Asuka, and Rei (Evangelion)