Clerks

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The Quickstop on a typical day, here Dante Hicks is complaining to his cellphone about how he wasn't supposed to be at work today.

“"Would you believe me if I said I wrote the entire script for Clerks with my penis?"”

~ Kevin Smith on his phallic literary skills

“"37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!'”

~ Dante Hicks on his obvious homosexuality

“"Make that 38 now...ahhh......"”

~ Me on Dante's slutty girlfriend

Clerks[edit]

Clerks, also called Kevin Smith's first ass-baby, is a film set in a convenience store in the early nineties, but due to being filmed entirely in black and white, many viewers thought the film had originally been filmed in a alternate 1920's, and that it was a dramatic nonfiction film detailing the depression.Either case the film became notable for having the first openly gay character - Jay, because most critics also believed the film was shot in the 20s, Clerks also won Kevin Smith a larger ego, and money to make a set of movies that tried to be as shitty as possible, Jersey Girl being the most notable of these.

Plot[edit]

The Movie itself details the life of QuickStop clerk Dante Hicks, a whiny bitch who constantly shouts "I wasn't even supposed to be here today".He is anally raped by every character in the show, except for Randall Graves, who works next door in the Video Store, though being a slacker, he spends most of his time in the Quick Stop, watching hermaphroditic porn, and pwning annoying customers with his ever-so clever manipulative mentality.These two characters are the spotlight of the show, usually based around the formula that Randall commits a action such as selling a minor cigarettes or knocking over a casket and Dante in turn pays the consequences, but since Dante is a homosexual and deeply attracted to the fully-heterosexual Randall, he allows Randall to pin him with all the consequences, and most of the trouble Randall causes is caused by Dante's own inaction.

The show details some of their wacky antics before introducing the second duo in this film, Jay and Silent Bob, two drug-dealers who stand in front of the Videostore like a couple of bums, though at first it is made clear if they are bums, or are just dressed like bums.It is later revealed the Jay and Silent Bob do in fact own a house, that they paid for with drug money, and money that Jay earned by sucking off Bill Gates, who was passing through the set,as Kevin Smith tricked Jay into thinking it was a scene in the movie, but in fact Kevin Smith just wanted to blackmail that bastard Bill Gates for later, so he may star in his planned movie Gates : a untold story, and because Kevin Smith is just a asshole and wanted to see Jay go down on Gate's robotic Windows-VD edition penis.

Jay and Silent Bob spend most of their time doing the average tasks such as robbing the quickstop, getting high off paintspray cans, and sexually assaulting anyone who comes into view, this last task usually something done by Jay while he shouts "Pussy!", ironically something he doesn't like and has never seen.Silent Bob, as his name suggests, is very loud, and annoys most of the other characters, except for Dante who is a weak closet faggot.Silent Bob's conversations almost always drift towards somehow talking about either his penis, the hair on his penis, or about his wife Patricia, who is strangely also played by Kevin Smith, and looks just like Silent Bob, except with a dress and herpes.(Kevin Smith is rumoured to have gotten it from Jason Lee, while they were having gay sex to help think of ideas for another of Smith's shitaverse films Mallrats.

The Film continues for several hours with Dante inactiveness resulting in his female love-interests bickering at him, frustrated, he and a old jewish guy go into the back bathroom and masturbate together, upon cumming on the strange old dudes face, the old man has a heart attack upon coming to his senses that he just jerked off with a gay guy in the bathroom, the old guy instantly dies.Dante's old "flame" Caitlan, as he took her for a man at one point, comes into the bathroom to have sex with Dante, but Dante, being a closet-homosexual, tricks her into having sex with the dead old guy, while Dante sneaks out of the bathroom, to masturbate to Randall behind his back.

A badly photoshopped image demonstrating what the final part of the film looked like with Silent Bob dancing while his twin penises hang out.It is believed the third censored object is the seventh penis of Chuck Norris, given to him by god and michael jackson as a gift.Here is the true image of this historic scene.

Caitlan then catches aids somehow, at which point, Dante confesses that hes gay, and he once had a run-in with Freddie Mercury, Caitlan dies from a heart-attack also, her and the old dude are taken away in a ambulance.The Show ends with Jay and Dante having rough gay sex on the quickstop floor, while Silent Bob strips naked in the street, revealing he does in fact have two penises.

Randall Graves silently walks away, just before the store catches on fire due to Dante leaving the coffee pot on again.

Right before the screen goes black, a strange hairy man runs across the screen and screams "BESERKER!"

That last scene is credited as being the first piece of random humour in history, but most people have realized random humour requires absolutely no skill at all to create, most people hate Kevin Smith now, especially uncyclopedians, who sometimes burn a effigy of him along with other enemies of great Uncyclopedia such as Jimbo Wales.

A sequel, surprisingly called Clerks II was made, but it was basically the same exact thing except with popular culture references added in the mix.Kevin Smith supposedly came right in the theatre when someone asked him when Clerks III was coming out.After he ejactulated all over his step-mother Peter Jackson who was sitting in front of him, Mr Smith replied "Possibly in the next decade or so, I want it to detail Dante and Randall at the age of fifty working as garbage men, with Jay and Silent bob setting up a mobile drug-store within the dump-truck.Also a lot more pop culture references, and a new character who is of the Borat-persusasion.Yeah, I know, Im a total genius!"

See Also[edit]