Cleveland State University
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“Assholes!”
~ Syracuse on Cleveland State's basketball team
“Assholes!”
~ Wake Forest on Cleveland State's basketball team
“Assholes!”
~ Anyone who went to Indiana University in 1986 on Cleveland State's basketball team
Cleveland State University (CSU) was originally built as a penitentiary for enemies of the state in 1394. People such as Oprah, John Wilkes Booth, and George Washington at some point in their life spent atleast one year here. It is also the place where Winston Churchill wrote his famous book, Mein Kampf, which inspired the Japanese to bomb Pearl Harbor. Decommisioned as a prison in 1848, the ridiculously huge prison complex now is a place of learning. While it is commonly believed that CSU is perpetually under construction, it is in fact in deconstruction. Pieces of the buildings are currently being shipped to The Ohio State University, which is in fact the favorite university child of Ohio. The pieces are being shipped there through a wormhole. The perpetual Deconstruction of Cleveland State is also an effort by the Soviet regime of Cleveland Mayor, Frank Jackson, to discover the hiding place of the Euclid Underground Resistance - Note the EUR WILL attempt to steal your tighty-whiteys. OH SNAP! In addition to being located in the poorest city in America, it is thusly fitting that it is the poorest university in America. About the only redeeming factor is their mascot, honestly, what is cooler than a sword-toting viking? I thought so.
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[edit] The Early Days
Due to Vatican II (circa 2002), ALL construction (deconstruction?) workers were exocommunicated
Vatican II was issued in response to Frank Jackson's unconstitutional attack on the EUR. Vatican II also legalized Kitten Huffing for first year students. It was bad ass. Also in the "olden days" (sometime before 2003) there was free parking, though this was so long ago in fact that most people do not remember it.
[edit] Other side effects of Vatican II:
- Euclid Avenue will never be fully reconstructed
- Bar with Beer on tap located in university center basement
- Free widgets to all business students
- Pray to our lord and god, Frank Jackson twice a day
[edit] The Way things used to be
- Free parking
- No construction (deconstruction?)
- Kitten huffing illegal for first-year students
- All male school
- Tuition was affordable
- It was clean!
[edit] The 1960's
CSU was a hot bed for martian activity in the 1960's. In one semester alone there were over 3 reported cases of abductions and anal probes. The abductees were returned within a week and subject to ridicule for the duration of their college career. The 60's at CSU also hosted the epic fightclub battle between George Washington verses Predator. A movie was made about the battle, entitled Predator vs. George Washington - 2009. It won the Academy Award in 2010 for Best Movie Ever, runners-up included Rocky XI and George Bush: The Autobiography.
[edit] The Cleveland Tea Party
The Cleveland Tea Party was a riot against the new compulsory $0.25 a day parking pass, which directly led to the tea-flavored water of Lake Erie (this new permit was the brain-child of the Dean of Admissions, Dr. Phil). In response to this heinous crime against academia, the students, were led by Paul Revere and Mao Zedong, whose objective was to push Cleveland into Lake Erie, though they were only partially successful, and due to a mathematical miscalculation, they infact started pushing Cleveland through a dimmensional rift back to it's home planet, Cardigan. Some of the town was pushed into the Cuoyahoga River and was lit on fire. No one knows, however, WHY the waters of Lake Erie changed to brown and tasted like Lipton tea, since most Clevelanders drink Coffee and ram urine. The student riot was eventually broken up by the roving gang of Tom Brokaws.
[edit] 2009 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament
Thanks to interference by the referee (Lebron James)-CSU lost in the Final Four round against Louisville in triple overtime with a final score of 7 to 3.
